IMPORTANT INFO for Mondays hash:

Run #1843 Monday 7th September from the Wild Goose Inn at Combeinteignhead TQ12 4RA with T Humper. The pub is opening especially for us. There will not be food available but you are welcome to bring your own sandwiches etc. Please indicate here if you are going. Thank you.

Please do not try to approach the Wild Goose from the Teignmouth Road down Stoke Road via Stokeinteignhead as the road is closed just before the Church House Inn and you will not be able to get through. Fine to go Ringmore Road from Shaldon end or the Newton Abbot approach via Netherton.

WW2 AIRFIELD REVISITED, DAS PANZERKAMPFWAGEN TRUNDLES AGAIN & A HOCKNEY MASTERPIECE

Run #1842 Monday 31st August from Little Haldon, OD Devon Arms, Teignmouth

At long last, after miraculously surviving yet another world 'war', das Panzerkampfwagen trundled into the shell hole masquerading as a car park at Little Haldon. Oh Yes, Oh Dearly Distressed, reports of Bobby's demise had Shirley been exaggerated. Struggling out of the unMOTable, black smoke belching machine of woe, the Rottenführer stood tall without his de rigueur Heroes of Telemark ski poles.*

If you couldn't spot the turn-off into the shell hole, you Shirley couldn't miss the imposing figure of Piltdown Man at the entrance, waving the Panzers in.

The final roll-call:

Piltdown, Georgie P, Manpig, Beefy, Strap-on, Wetfart, SM Ellie, Bobby, Polyfella, Melon Picker, Soapy, Ollie (welcome back the aforementioned five), Artful Dogger, Plonker, Pisswell, BroadS, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Screwed, BB.  Slip on Me - 21 in all.

I was too far away to hear the hares' trail briefing so missed the finer points of the exercise but had an uneasy feeling of what lay in store out there in the wilds of Little Haldon.

Blessed release and the shorts were Shirley shuffled out of the back of the shell hole while the longs surged majestically out onto the tarmac and hard right up the dividing lane between the golf course and the former Teignmouth aerodrome.

The majesty was short-lived however, as a rather pernicious check halted the cavalry in their tracks. The FRBs were dispatched and at long last the ON ON was called - into the scrub heath of the 1940's airfield. Oh the pain of the off-road, Oh Dearly I Did Not Like It Up Me and the tarmac loving Bird was reduced to a mere shuffle as the Young Guns, Manpig, Beefy and Polyfella swept by.

But never mind, it was called hashing and it was a last, lingering, lovely evening of a tormented summer on planet Earth, Oh Dearly Waxing Lyrical.

The mini tour of the airfield completed, we were back to where we had nearly started at the B3192 and there was Piltdown to shepherd his flock across the murderous Highway to Heaven.

As we passed, Piltdown gave the secret code: 'At the solar panel farm, make sure..' and the rest of the message was swallowed by the wind.

Off into the woods we plunged and a quick chat with Polyfella as nettles and twisting paths were negotiated at pace.

Into the clear and the solar panel farm loom-ed large in the gunsight  It was fortunate indeed that Artful Dogger was there already to reveal the vital missing part of the message. 'Keep to the outside of the field.' Well done that man! And there it was - a well concealed gap in the hedge and the trail true.

Meanwhile, several minutes earlier, Plonker had careered into the clearing and sped past the solar panels. He was still smoothly accelerating towards Dawlish Water before he realized that there may be a problem Houston.. sigh.

Hurdling logs and swerving round shorts - Hi Bobby, Georgy, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Spud, Wetfart, Ollie - we lurched towards the advertised attraction of the VP and Beefy photo-op. The Heroes of Telemark were being arranged just as a renegade mix 'n' match S/L peered round the corner. Oh generously indeed did Beefy welcome the interloper** into his framed creation.

The finished Hockney style artwork reveal-ed five semi-silhouetted figures set against a dramatic cloud formation with the setting sun astride the horizon. The dying orange shafts pierced and accentuated the figures - Oh bravo, Beefy, a masterpiece Shirley!

But I digress and back to the action. Out onto a back lane we emerged with a make your minds up check. Down, way way down or up, that was the question. Beefy and the Bird hovered [sic] while Artful Dogger, abetted by Manpig 'It could be down and right,' decided to risk it and go as biscuits. Polyfella drifted up and calls came back from both directions: ON ONE - ON TWO... Melon Picker appeared and enquired what the odds were. 'Four to seven up' came the bookmaking Bird's reply and satisfied with that, Melon went up.

It all went horribly quiet down the hill and then Polyfella called ON ON and we left the hapless duo to their sad fate...sigh.

Spiralling down into the woods, I was glad I had brought the head torch as a tumble was on the cards in the fading light under the trees.

And there was Piltdown plus chariot again, directing us over a gate and more scrub heath. The longs had now broken down and it was Beefy, Polyfella and the not cruising Bird who teamed up for the final frontier run for home.

Fortunately (again for me) Beefy was there to call the ON HOME as another arrow would have taken me right onto the outgoing short trail...whatamistakatomaka that would Shirley have been.

The shell hole was welcoming and it was a fulsome four miler plus as we consulted our tech and awaited the returnees. Strap-On (Gold Star performance) and BroadS (I know how you felt old son) preceded the unfortunate Manpig / Artful team-up and Wetfart (I know where I am ok!) boldly declared that he'd completed the short of about four miles (!) as did Screwed and a host of golden daffodils.

Nine declared their undying devotion and completion of the undulating, scenic long: Beefy, Plonker (last home but then it's a long way back from Dawlish Water), Artful, Polyfella (quite pleased to be able to keep up with him and Beefy even though they covered more ground), Pisswell, SM Ellie, BroadS and Manpig.

A few lingered in the twilight lit shell hole as the convoy trickled down the hill to the Devon Arms.

The snug cum snooker table room was ours to command and the fine Teignworthy ales, Gun Dog 4.3 abv and Deck Hand 4.5 abv ensured satisfaction guaranteed. Many a beer-induced tale was spun and Wetfart proved to me that he was no fool (and walked across my swimming pool***) in recalling television shows from the stone age.

POSTSCRIPT

A well-judged mix and match long/short trail over varied terrain which was taken advantage of by Melon Picker and Ollie.

The OD pub was fine for our needs and we would have supped in the garden but for the advancing autumnal chill. Thank you, Georgie and Piltdown, top marks for your efforts.

*That was a helluva intro Bobby, but you failed to make the pubberido - Disappointed!

**Melon Picker - who actually did rather well out there - though it pains me to say it.

***Jesus Christ Superstar you fools.

ON ON to next week and the Wild Goose at Combeinteignhead with T Humper.

Monday August 31st details

Run #1842 Monday August 31st 7:15 pm with Piltdown & Georgy P from Little Haldon National Trust Car park just past the golf club on the right (approaching from Teignmouth). The OD is the Devon Arms, Northumberland Pl, Teignmouth TQ14 8DE Advised by SM Ellie that there are two nearby car parks. One opposite in Brunswick Street and the other is around the corner in New Quay Road. As usual, PLEASE INDICATE IF YOU ARE GOING. Thanks. ALSO PLEASE NOTE THAT on downs are also being held on moorland at side of car park. Please bring your own can and a fold up chair, for those not wanting to manage a pub.

MANPIG LAYS A FAMOUS TRAIL FOR THE YOUNG GUNS, B ROADS HIT & BEEFY CAVALRY

Run #1841 Monday 24th August from the Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell with Hare Manpig

'Manpig laid a runners' seven

Which nearly sent the Bird to heaven'

But back to the beginning, Oh Dearly Jumping the Gun...

Over the Kinky Kinkerswell [sic] speed humps did the Swing Low Sweet Chariot trundle and as the Nellie was approached, a waving figure came into focus. It was young 69 who had arriv-ed early to Thomas Cook his parking space on the oasis pavement outside the loo (and preferred option for Teapot). Not wishing to risk it and go as a biscuit, mine chariot U-turned back to the exclusive three chariot tether alongside the pub.

The landlord's head peered over the gate to give permission for the space of spaces to be occupied. Five minutes later and the GM slotted seamlessly in behind. HA! Shirley the plan was coming together, Oh Dearly Don't You Love It.

There was nary a sign of Hare Manpig (way out on trail) as the tiny band's numbers were swelled with B Roads Hit*, Strap-On and Coldtits (shedding the pounds impressively) - joining the GM, I-Poo'd, 69 and T Humper. Sunglasses were needed as SM Ellie dazzled with a bright orange glow tee shirt.

The Flying FRBs, Flasher, Plonker and Artful Dogger appeared line abreast like gunfighters at High Noon and the game was Shirley a foot** Oh Dearly Ready to Rock 'n' stroll.

A slightly confused roll call but the participants tentatively identified as follows: GM Shitfaced, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Flasher, Plonker, Artful Dogger, BB, Beefy, BroadS, SM Ellie, Strap-On, Pisswell, Coldtits, 69, Piltdown, Wiggy (Hi! you're back at last!), Wetfart, Archangel and Manpig. 3Sum (welcome back) and Slip on Me made the pub afterwards.

It was now gone 7:20 pm and with still no sign of the hardy hare but armed with the knowledge that the first L/S split was at the foot of Fluder, the GM sent the longs on their way.

The watch was tardy acquiring the GPS and a fifty metre start was gifted to the gunfighters... sigh. It really was demoralizing watching the lads disappear up Fluder and I thought it was a case of drawing the short straw Shirley - on my lonesome for six miles was a bitter pill to swallow so early in the run..

Meanwhile, B Roads Hit also faced a lonely run and set off solo at his Sunday best stroll. Just after two miles, a patter of feet heralded the cavalry in the shape of - Here's Beefy! The daring duo did doddle down*** the rest of the trail together. Well done lads!

But never mind, back at the sharp end and atop Fluder the first check halted the charge and contact was reestablished. Along the 'Kerswell Road we coursed with the first (pleasant) surprise as we dropped down below the Holiday Park onto the bridlepath cum cycle/scramble bike path. A fallen tree blocked the path but gosh and by golly, we hadn't been down here for decades!

Descending onto Brown Bridge Road and the Young Guns had to be called back to go straight across into the path with the 'Road Closed' sign - Manpig had to check whether it really was and then go back to lay.

Crossing the Newton Road, the hare had us guessing before we turned off into Edginswell Lane and at the three mile mark the shorts were encountered - giving the lie to the Nellie's landlord's pre-trail comment of the Grand Master not going anywhere! GM Shitfaced turned: 'There's Bluebird hanging on for dear life!' Too true Blue, the Bird was eyeballs out but firing on all cylinders for once.

A bit further up the lane there were Manpig and 69 and a little respite as we quizzed MP on what was to come.

Assur-ed that it was only a 5.4 miler (not quite but MP didn't want to frighten the Bird)), we set off into the gathering gloom, recalling adventures from long long ago.

Up a gloomy gorge we struggled in near darkness. Flasher scouted and distant calls were borne on the wind back to Plonker (hindered by a knee injury), Artful and the Bird. The ON ON was sounded and in a flash, Flasher [sic] was gone, never to be seen until the end. Plonker and Flasher had run a fourteen miler on Sunday but this had no effect whatsoever on the flying hasher on this, his last trail for a while.

Familiar territory and SM Ellie was sighted below Manpig's drum and a chalk 'P' for pool by the turn-off. No time to tarry though as there was the glorious On Home marker and the salvation of the Nellie and, most importantly, the beer!

The light had fled and summer flown with the rain just about to start. 'Head torches next week,' was the consensus.

Coldtits was back from the short and the lads have a conflab before heading off. And who was this? Why it looked just like the Wiggster - and it was - back from his Tour de Poland and completing the short to earn his pint.

The ale of choice was the Salcombe Gold 4.2 abv, a thirst quenching harvest gold ale with a friendly £3.80 price tag.

We had the pub to ourselves and plenty of room for all. Pisswell arrived and had done the short and it was great catching up with B Roads Hit after many weeks away. Rare pubsters were Wetfart and 69 who had put himself about and needed a pick me up. Shitfaced proudly displayed a 3 mile clocking for himself T Humper, I-Poo'd and Spud - power to your trainers. Catch you next week Wiggy for a chat!

Flasher bid us adieu and signed off with a tarmac scorching run - I doff my Bluebird cap to you!

POSTSCRIPT

A REALLY SUPER trail laid by Manpig. A long designed for the runners by a runner and how we greedily gobbled it up. The checks were judiciously placed and arrows kept the pace high (new rules now to keep the pack apart!). A family style gathering in the Nellie afterwards, yes, Oh Dearly Did You Ever Doubt It, we are Shirley still hashing!

And finally, an ode to Manpig's magnificent runners' long:

Manpig laid a runners' seven

And nearly sent the Bird to heaven

The smooth tarmac did seduce

Fast running did we produce

Mile after mile we poured it on

Until our energy was truly gone

Off road sections gave respite

Before we continu-ed the fight

Late August light fades all too fast

The time for indecision long past

Checks are few, arrows reign

To give the warriors maximum pain

SM Ellie heard the shout

As the blessed On Home

Hove into sight

Oh Shirley we have won the fight!

*BroadS tee shirt

**Afoot you fools

***Only five, have to do better

ON ON to next week and Run #1842 from Little Haldon with Piltdown & Georgy P Orgy. Details to follow here and on our website at www.teignvalleyh3.com

'NEVER MIND THE MARKS, FOLLOW THE TYRE TRACKS'

   Run #1840 Monday 17th August from Only Here for the Beer's abode in Coffinswell

'Second house down from the Linny, easy peasy lemon squeezy', I mused as I turned off the rat run to descend into Coffinswell once more. Oh Yes, Oh Dearly Have You Forgotten Already, I knew it well from the week before.

So Cruising past the Linny, I slowed as I got to where Only Here's abode should be, but no luck. Ah, it must be on the right and it was down, way way down into Daccombe before the dull-witted one realiz-ed it must be the Wong Wei. Oh well, I wuz early..

Abandoning the chariot by the Linny, I wander-ed down towards the church. As I was looking left, a booming voice came from on high: 'What are you doing Bluebird, there's plenty of parking up here!' The Grand Master and Mine Host Only Here, on Wally Watch, had spotted the hapless wretch who it seemed would have trouble getting out of his garden... sigh

And there 'twas - the Hash destination of our dreams. A cavernous off road parking area with a Park Inn sized garden to accommodate all and sun dry*. Hash heaven hallelujah, we're Shirley frying tonight.

Forrest and his faithful mutt felt lucky and had decided on an away day from Dearest Dingly Dell deep in the Teign Valley. That man with the suntan and everlasting smile, 69, dropped by from Haytor way - high five perhaps no but elbow collideroo yes.  After many (well documented and avidly followed) adventures, Strap-On finally escaped the confines of Abbotskerswell to return to the fold along with SM Ellie, Just Coming (or Cums Too Late, take your pick) and Stung Down Under. Wetfart made his by now de rigueur flying visit and that rare bird, 'you can survive without Facebook', Able, tracked us down via the website at www.teignvalleyh3.com..

Here then, Oh Dearly Why Doesn't He Get on With It, is the roll of honour from #1840:

GM Shitfaced, Piltdown, Beefy, Flasher, Plonker, Artful Dogger, Wetfart, SM Ellie, Coldtits, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Just Coming, Forrest, Manpig, Screwed, Stung Down Under, Pisswell, Strap-on, #69, BB, Archangel, Able, Only Here and Dog End.

As last week, no circle and hashers rocked and rolled when ready.  The flying FRBs Hit The Road (Jack) first with Artful Dogger and the Bird in their slipstream. Straight on up into Only Here's private lane and his grand 280 acre estate the advance guard cruised with the perennial longs and hard as nails hashers, Manpig and Beefy setting off in arrears.

Hard a port into a barley field and the rapido tuxedoes left the Bird trailing in their wake. But Only Here had his first snare in place and over the brow of the field the FRBs came to a juddering halt.

Oh rampant was the confusion that ensued and we had only gone a quarter of a mile, what fun what fun.  Artful by name and by deed, the Artful Dogger had kept the faith and was seen merrily dashing around the barley above us. The awful truth dawned and a hashing technical term was screamed by a berserker: 'Silly sod! Back troops!' It was a complete circuit of Only Here's barley field but Flasher and Plonker stood for it and played the game though someone did not - though the culprit could not be identified with any certainty.

 

Into a sloping meadow and the hares' awful design became clear - the trail was laid around the perimeter of Farmer Beer's fields and Farmer Beer was so proud of his fields that he wished us to examine all of them.

The Artful one soon cottoned on: 'Never mind the marks, follow the tyre tracks!' Oh Yes, Oh Dearly The Game's Up, the trail had been laid from Only Here's truck, driven by Dog End whilst Only Here flour bombed from the passenger seat....sigh

Descending to the Auld Empty Barn, Flasher called back to Artful in the field above: 'Make sure you go round the field!' And Beefy was only about fifty yards away but actually two fields distant on the bewildering helter-skelter configured trail.

Surprisingly, no one seemed to have picked up that the Bird is the word had shamelessly continued short-cutting and excusing the outrage with a plaintive wailing of: 'Sorry lads, but I'm very old!'

At last we tumbled out onto the blessed tarmac and headed off into the boondocks down Daccombe way.  The last time Flasher and Plonker were sighted was at the three mile mark betwixt the Orestone and Killpark Plantations below Fluder Hill.  From then on it was a wild and lonely meander back to the beer. If I knew then what I discovered after, I might not have ventured up the last iniquitous (for me but hash-friendly terrain for the hardy) long split. Fear of death (and no beer) forced a virtual walk the last mile and there was many a furtive look over mine shoulder to see if Beefy and Manpig were coming to claim Despicable Me.

Nearly home and two hashers loomed large - Strap-On and SM Ellie though I was too far gone to speak. Then charging towards me were Flasher and Plonker who were determined to make a 10K out of it. Good luck lads, 5.4 miles is good enough - show me the beer..

A supply of Proper Job, a chance to catch up on all the gossip, fairy lights, food supplied by Dog End, Oh Yes, we had it all. 

Offers for forthcoming hash trails and venues were pledged and with fingers tightly crossed, a fervent hope that we can keep on trucking...

Thanks Only Here and Dog End (who knew that the longs would want a gallop), it was a lot of work for but six longs (I think) but we really loved the trail - it had something to cater for all tastes and after surviving that last off-road section, we really earned our beer - as did the shorts and walkers out there.

ON ON to next week from the Lord Nelson at Kingskerswell with Manpig as hare.

*Sundry you fools

THIS MONDAY'S DETAILS

Run #1840 Monday 17th August from Only Here for the Beer's abode: 'Bradstone', Willowpark Lane, Coffinswell, TQ12 4SS close to the Linny pub. Off road parking as well as in property. Trails for longs/shorts/walkers. FOOD MUST BE PRE-BOOKED before the run. Hot dogs/salad/chips about £3. PLEASE REGISTER (add comment) ON THIS POST IF YOU ARE ATTENDING so we can have an idea of numbers and indicate if you wish to eat. Thanks.

TWENTY LOST SOULS SEEKING REDEMPTION IN A CRUEL LOST WORLD*

Run #1839 from the Park Inn, Kingskerswell

From far and wide they came to rediscover the ages old art of hashing, but this time in a different way. Here follows the sacred roll call of They who Dared:

Manpig - looking a little trimmer and sporting the latest fashion of the Surrey with the Fringe on Top; Popeye - carrying a little more in condition and taking the Fringe on Top to award winning proportions; Piltdown & Georgy P - sans Yellow Submarine transport; Screwed - with the Daz Brilliant whitest pooch I have ever seen; T Humper and I-Poo'd + Spud; Slip on Me - a fervent and guaranteed attendee; sweet and forgiving (more on that later) Coldtits; a pugnacious (I heard you were laying it Bluebird you effing Pillock) Wetfart; Only Here for the Beer (cider actually on the night); the FRB battalion of Flasher, Artful Dogger and Plonker; Pisswell - hoping to get a long run in; late arrival Archangel bless him [sic]; even later arrival ParaP with dawgs; Beefy and last but Shirley not least our Grand Master Shitfaced who had arranged the affair with Piltdown and equally supportive Mine Host Park 'n' Ride. Twenty lost souls seeking redemption in a cruel lost world... No? Well please....

Unsurprisingly, it hadn't begun well. Wishin' And Hopin' to get ahead of the game, the becatlittered** Bird had commenced operations Sunday at 6:33 pm. Two hours and thirty six minutes later and with 9.69 miles on the clock, a gibbering and mortally wounded maniac staggered back to his chariot. I will gloss over this sorry sob story as I do not wish to dwell further on the details.

A Sleepless in Seattle night followed with the extra bad news that thunderstorms were likely Monday which could well wipe out any marks laid - though the trail did not actually link up and needed a complete rethink. Shirley enough, a rumble of thunder at 7:45 am presaged a downpour which flooded my extension...

Never mind, another foray at 2 pm on this Day of Days saw a rough and ready 10K trail cobbled together. It wasn't pretty and A Wing and a Prayer summed it up. Unsure who was going to arrive, there was as yet no short or walkers' trails, but at least there was something to run out there.

A fine blend of anticipation and trepidation (on the hare's side) prevailed as the GM and Piltdown, complete with official clipboard, awaited. The babbling Bird was ordered back on station by the GM to direct any shorts and T Humper was tasked with organizing a walkabout, hereabouts or thereabouts.

Oh yes, Oh Dearly Beloved, it was a hash - for the loyal and battle-hardened longs at least. High up on Connybear Lane just off the footpath (and only salvation from the tarmac for the tiny band of shorts) I waited and counted the longs through: Flasher, Plonker, Artful Dogger, Beefy, Manpig, Popeye - still recovering from deep calf muscle tear and Pisswell - all game and up for it. I tried to mark their cards and bid them a tearful goodbye.

Putting the shorts marks down (merely sending them back down the lane to retrace their steps back home) I return-ed to mine chariot to head back to the watering hole at the Park.

As I turned, there was Coldtits coming round the corner. She was so understanding when I explained that she was merely going back the same way and I felt really guilty at the deception. Two hundred yards away there was the welcome sight of that grand hasher Archangel and I paused to apologize to him as well and I felt a tiny bit better for both of their understanding.

Great news in the Park as I saw that the Teignworthy Gundog 4.3 abv was on and at an amazing £3.60 a pint, Oh Wow with bells and ribbons on it!

However, it was still an anxious wait for my longs to get back, but get back they Shirley Valentine did. I really shouldn't have fretted Betty, as all Magnificent Seven hashers were some of our finest and well used to searching out missing or faded (yes, some marks had been savaged in the early monsoon) marks.

Beefy and Manpig apparently had gone for a swim post trail which left us puzzled - perhaps the drainage ditch down by the church? Where on earth would they find water? The answer was, of course, at MP's gaff and his heavily sawn-off Olympic sized pool.

Hashers were given the choice of returning home or entering the pub as individuals to have a drink. No RA'ing or DDs but simple social distancing and a chat over a beer or two - magic...

Plenty of space inside and out in the garden and wasn't it blissful being together once more.

A pint of Gundog, beautiful company with long-absent friends, quite simply a fantastic night. Nuff said.

Grateful thanks to our Grand Master and Piltdown for having the courage to put together and carry out the exercise.

*The header was to read: SHIRLEY VALENTINE & A DAZ BRILLIANT WHITE POOCH WITH A GUNDOG but I thought this was more relevant and perhaps, poignant in these Doomsday times..

**So let it be written, so let it be coined.

ON ON to next week with details to follow.

AWARDS NIGHT FROM THE UNION INN AT DENBURY

Run 1837
Annual Awards Night
Union Inn, Denbury

Hare Wet Johny

TVH 3 v Coronavirus 0 … Another wet and windy one.

Undeterred by the Devon Covid19 outbreak an estimated 35 disease resistant hashers braved the trying conditions. Don’t ask me to name them all, I’m significantly less efficient than the bat.

Almost everyone got the GM’s question correct and were awarded free food in the pub.
To facilitate the awards presentation a relatively short (for the normally athletic Penners) run of 5.2 miles; 3 miles for the shorts plus a walkers trail had been laid in flour and Forests sawdust.

We were promised a wet run and for sure it was amply delivered. Encouraged by a decent stretch of road the pack was well spread by the time we reached the shiggy. You can check one of the tech savvy hashers' trail maps to know where we went. I can attest to several very slippery fields, seriously marshy undulations and a particularly cruel round trip over Denbury Hill. Copious sweets proffered at the welcome sweety stop were eagerly snapped up by everyone bar the SCB walkers.

Man Pig, Archangel and Forest were among those suffering from the effects of running Sundays Grizzly and deserved hearty congratulations for their effort. Despite bringing up the rear they were back in the pub in good time for the ceremonies.

Down downs went to Pisswell for misplacing her award from last week; Piddler for suggesting a couple of hashers should be left to go in the wrong direction, just for a laugh; the Hare for a well marked trail and Teapot who was reunited with his Credit Cards.

Shitfaced announced the Awards with the help of 3Sum and each winner received a specially selected memento. Thanks to everyone involved in making it a very special evening.

Oh dearly disappointed, I’m trusting normal service will be resumed by the naturally talented Bat as soon as possible. Until then this is George Dent signing orf.

Awards Night 2019 at The Union Inn Denbruy

Last night's winners! 🏆 (from right to left)
Hasher of the Year : Shitface
Fancy Dress of the Year: Soapy

Hash of the Year: Pisswell
Hare of the Year: Beefy
Newcomer of the Year: Well Hopped
On Down of the Year: The Park Inn (T.Humper)
Harriet of the Year: I-Pood
(Apologies for the bad pic but it was the best of the lot!
Well done Well Hopped!
Congratulaions to all of the 2019 winners !!

TRAILS OF THE UNEXPECTED

Run #1835 Monday 24th February Wiggy's 69th Birthday Hash from Newtons Free House, Newton Abbot

 

Another wicked Wiggster Birthday Trail and you'd better beware when you go down to the woods tonight, t't't teddy bears everywhere...

 

But patience, mes Misérables munchkins, we'll get to the woods a bit later Shirley.

 

'Here is where we will be and car parking shouldn't be a problem'... Thus spoke the Wally and Shirley Chaos was her name when the Bat arriv-ed to take his assured spot in the upper car park - NOT! Jam-packed it was as were the roads roundabout and thereabouts. Forced to repair the Batmobile to Wolborough car park half a mile away, I wuz legging it back when Piddler picked me up. The Piddler was not taking no as an answer and found a space recently vacated, Oh Luck of the Irish.

 

Teapot called it at thirty five and I believe I can name the shigateers plus two for luck:

 

GM Shitfaced, Teapot, Piltdown, Georgy, I-Poo'd, T Humper, Soapy, Melon Picker, Artful Dogger, Plonker, Wet Johnny, Erection, Able, Coldtits, 3Sum, SatNav, Wetfart, Bobby Woll, Wiggy69, Poles Piddler, Fukarwi, Forrest, Popeye, Well Hopped, Big End, Fishbait, Small Fry, Archangel, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Manpig, Strap-On, SM Ellie, virgin, Gaga4It, Triple Jump, BB 37

 

Arriving a tad late for the circle (legged it back down to Wolborough CP to fetch the chariot) I missed some of the preamble but was in time for the Birthday Wiggster's spiel. Trails three there Shirley were - a long of 6.9 M, a short of 6.9 KM and a walkers' of 6.9 furlongs... No? Well that's wot he said, don't shoot the messenger please. Oh, nearly forgot, a SS somewhere along the way. 

 

I suspected this might be a toughie (as was the Wiggster's wont on his Birthday ritual) the way that he smiled thinly and said: 'You longs are really going to enjoy the trail...' And we were pointed down the hill and released on our 'Almost no hills and nearly dry underfoot' trail... sigh

 

A large group of wannabe longs gathered at the first check: Manpig, Well Hopped, Big End, WJ, Erection, Artful Dogger, Plonker, Fukarwi, Forrest, Popeye, Fishbait, Small Fry, Strap-On and SM Ellie and it wasn't long before we hit the muddy slopes. It was happening fast out there and you had to react accordingly. Artful Dogger went sharply left calling ON ON as the main body of the longs kept smashing right. Fukarwi and the Bat followed the Artful speed machine but we came unstuck in Bakers Park and had to return to seek assistance from the Birthday Boyo. Well Hopped and Ned doggedly [Shirley sic] headed on out towards Bradley Manor before giving it best and wheeling.

 

Up to Wolborough Church we trekked and a horrible suspicion form-ed as I recalled 'Shoeless and Clueless on the Wig Wam Wiggle' exactly a year ago. It was there that the hash was led through the field forever known as the 'Slurry with the Flour on top'.

 

Well, Fukarwi, me old mucker [sic you fools] I was right, we did venture into the Slurry with the Flour on Top - even though there was a pernicious cross just past the deepest part....grrrrr. That was nasty Wiggy, really nasty.

 

Undeterred, the pioneers wended back to the church and there was quite a gathering awaiting the scouts' return.

 

Down the Coach Road it was - to the next 'minor' test. HA!

 

Manpig knew it and the Bat knew it - Killer Hill alongside Decoy Brake. Halfway up a wounded and half dead warrior lifted his head and entreated the gods on high: 'Is that all you've got Wiggy, IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT!'

 

Two tests down and just one more to gogo - the Teddy Bears Picnic in the woods...

 

By now, the longs were just that, strung out with mighty gaps between hashers and confusion, never far away return-ed heavily tinged with mud.

 

On a descent of hellish mud, Able and Gaga4It hove into view and appeared to be trying to scramble up a near vertical side of the bank though I couldn't see any form of path. They didn't seem to be on any part of the 'official' trail and were evidently intent on finding the exit from Doomsday Wood. Ladies, I would have stopped to offer assistance but I was having some difficulty navigating the trail myself as other longs (Coldtits, Popeye and Fukarwi to name but three) would testify.

Able and Gaga4It weren't alone in their Trails of the Unexpected* however, as an even stranger trail tale emerged post hash.

 

Wet Johnny and Plonker had also erred from the trail and had come across 3Sum who was mixing short and long trails and had somehow departed from the play grid. It was difficult to comprehend what was going on as the shorts and longs came charging out onto the trail from right angles. Then again, just as strange was Fukarwi, washing the mud from his legs although there was plenty more to come... sigh.

A veritable Piccadilly Circus was the flatlands of Bradley woods as WJ, Plonker, Artful Dogger, 3Sum, SatNav, Piltdown and Georgie converged with Fukarwi, Erection and the Bat. Shirley a triumph by the hare some four miles into the trail.

 

It was a relief to get onto tarmac and actually run but suddenly there was Wigwam at the SS wondering why we hadn't got there sooner... sigh.

 

Mention must be made of Coldtits who arrived in the pub as the DDs were taking place. She had tarried by the river (Lemon) crossing as she had heard the frog frenzy mating calls and taken some photos (one inserted below).

 

With apologies to W H Davies:

 

'What is this hash, if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs and stare as longs at sheep or cows'.

 

No more surprises and gently did we glide back down the hill to the pubberino. Bobby was just entering sporting some fine bright white tennis shoes. 'I'll have a Spitfire Bob, see you in two shakes..'

 

Newtons Free House was ours to enjoy, tables and bar with Wiggy69 enjoying the fruits of his labour with that so well-earned beer.

 

The disco music was playing a favourite and the Bat went a dancing, completely oblivious that Fishbait was filming from the bar. You missed my best moves Shirley.

 

A great trail and I for one, was pleased as Punch to get round it and all that did are to be congratulated. It wasn't for the faint-hearted was it?

 

Quite a Night to Remember for 3Sum, Able and Gaga4It on their Trails of the Unexpected and they managed to go nearly as far as the longs in the end!

 

Well done Wiggy, old lad, and many more of these Birthday hashes to come!

 

*Didulikethat? No? Well...

 

WIGGY69 DOWNDOWNS directed by Fallen Woman

ERECTION (White Bat) for swerving round a hasher and slipping up.

DANCING BAT (Ceremonial Bat) awarded in absentia by Small Fry for diabolical parking.

FORREST (Hashit Pillock shirt) a revenge DD by Bobby Woll who had to have his hair cut after snide comments.

WIGWAM of course for his killer trail and 69 Birthday.

 

ON ON to next week and The Lord Nelson Kingskerswell (TQ12 5JB) 7:15pm with Hare Shitfaced

7

A SAD STORY, CONVERTED TO REGGAE & AN OUTRAGEOUS BLEACHED PERM

#1834 Monday 17th February from the King's Arms at Kingsteignton with Fishbait & Small Fry

 

A fair to middlin' turnout from the King's Arms car park but at least it wasn't raining:

 

GM Shitfaced, I-Poo'd, Teapot, Piltdown, Georgie, Check Mate, Big End, Well Hopped, Ollie, Ellie, Fukarwi came back at last, Manpig, Wet Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Fishbait, Small Fry, Knotty, Soapy, Palmolive, Allo Vera, Wash 'n ' Go, Poles Piddler, Coldtits, Only Here, Dog End, McMuffin Weeny Whopper, Mouldy, Popeye, 69, Able, Hotlips, Zoot, BroadS, Doris, 3Sum, SatNav, Forrest, Pisswell and BB 41 all told with Melon Picker and Bobby making the pub later.

 

However, I really don't want to discuss the weather after Saturday's near death experience, but after witnessing the deluge decided that the trail shoes would be wisest and promptly left them on the draining board... sigh. So only had the one pair of road shoes to go out and play in.

 

The pub CP was soon rammed to capacity with latecomers in Ever Decreasing Circles Desperately Seeking (Susan) a space.

 

Fishbait and Small Fry arrived just before the circle with the glad tidings: A long, a short, a walkers' with one L/S split and a SS and, as no-one wanted to call the 'off' I legged it stage left from the tunnel of fear.

 

Abandoning after only a mile the previous week, I couldn't help thinking that a similar fate awaited early on, but with growing confidence, there was little sign of the injury and working on the adage 'you're only young once' I had agogo..

 

Up to the church and the longs began to form up. Wet Johnny was cruising in the van (vanguard you fools not a van van) baby and that rascal Popeye must have felt lucky as he was bang there with a neon FRB flashing on his back. Manpig, without the weakener of an A-B was looking good and it was going pretty well I thought. How wrong I was though...

 

Flat and good footing as we cruised over the Town Quay Bridge with a strong sense of deja vu.

First mistaka occurred when WJ and the Bat missed the trail by the River Lemon and had to play catch up.

 

Not so much traction along the side of Whitelake and the lonesome Bat emerged onto the Avenue roundabout to see Fishbait and the little fella waiting across the road - was this the mythical site of the SS Oh Dearly Where are My Berties?

 

It was here Oh Dearly I'm Going To Tell You a Sad Story that my destiny was seal-ed.

Being old and hard of hearing, I thought that Fishbait said 'At the flooded bridge go up into the woods' and armed with that info, I set off with hope in my heart plus a desire to get back to the longs.

Threading my back and there was Fukarwi and BroadS chatting away and further ahead Manopause, Erection, Forrest and Muttley HA!

 

Then loom-ed a flooded section and there seemed to be a turn up into the woods - so Shirley this was the place foretold? With a cry of triumph the Bat ascended to meet his destiny. At the summit, an awful vista unfolded... A taunting cry 'ON ON' came from WJ on the OTHER side of a Stalag style perimeter fence. 'Where are the marks?' did cry Manopause and the wiser headed ones turned.

 

However Trevor, the Bat was sticking to the plan - 'I swear I can get through!' and down to the seven foot razor-tipped fence he plunged. Skirting the fence it looked like it was only going to work but then a wall of brambles barred the way. No way out, no way out* and the expletive echoed for miles..

Guffaws aplenty from the other side and that was that. Whatamistakatomaka...

 

Then the Hash gods did frown and the heavens opened with the everlasting and inevitable downpour and my right calf muscle went into spasm. It was good to be alive.

 

But there's always a game to play on any hash and there were other hashers following. Deciding to go long were Well Hopped and little Ollie who was preparing for an upcoming 10k run. Only ten years old, the little lad was game as a pebble and wanted to make 5 miles on the run. Loitering outside the King's Arms, Piltdown watched in bewilderment as the trio of hashers went up and down the road past him three times to get the 5 mile readout.

 

An excellent run Fishbait and Small Fry and I can see the funny side of my detour now.

 

The King's Arms was packed with footie followers and the DDs were commenced at the half time interval in case some were displeased. Only there for the beer Bobby was spotted sporting a bleached perm and was swiftly summoned forward for the outrage. The sarnies and chips were plentiful and after Forrest had bought me a pint of Otter Reggae 4.0 abv I was converted from the Legend for the duration.

 

Did we have fun? Shirley yes, thanks Fishbait & Small Fry.

 

* The Producers 1967

 

DOWNDOWNS & AWARDS

SMALL FRY (White Bat Hat) for his efforts laying the trail

BLUEBIRD possibly for going off trail

MANOPAUSE for comments about Able's sex potions

BOBBY WOLL for his white perm

POPEYE has his 50 run badge at last

 

ON ON to next week from Newtons Free House. Birthday Hash Highweek Rd, Newton Abbot TQ12 1TP Circle 7:15 with Hare Wigwam, for his 69th Birthday Celebration.

MIGHT AS WELL HASH IT, YOU'RE ADDICTED TO LOVE*

Run #1833 Monday 10th February 'Love Trail' from the Manor Inn at Galmpton with Coldtits & Shitfaced

The weather bit savage again Monday eve with plummeting temperatures and the threat of icy showers. Little wonder then that numbers were markedly down cometh the love circle out in gibbous Galmpton. Lurgy bound hashers also had to cry off as the love starved stalwarts assembled and were recorded thus Oh Dearly Now It's Time To Love (Red Velvet):

GM Shitfaced, Teapot, Piltdown, Georgy, 3Sum, SatNav, SM Ellie, Fallen Woman, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Erection, 69, Only Here 4 Beer, Dog End, McMuffin, Weenie Whopper, Coldtits, Wigwam, Stung Down Under, virgins Ryan and Kelvin, Able, Big End, Well Hopped, Roger, Polyfella and BB. Twenty seven lovers all told.

Pre-circle titillation ensued when Wet Johnny beckoned Coldtits with a suggestive 'Look what I've got for you..' then raising his fluorescent jacket to reveal - oh horror of horrors - a pair of leering eyes astride his Love Gun (Kiss) red love flashy shorts. Dialogue cannot do justice to the awful scene though taken aback were those that witnessed the opening love gambit...Score a bonus point WJ with your Look of Love (Burt Bacharach).

Wind chill took the temperature well below 39f and the lovelorn lovelies listened with shuffling feet to the Maestro Himself who explained what was on the Love Menu this frosty night.

Two L/S splits, a short and a walkers' trail with a Love SS along the byways, the GM adding that prizes would be forthcoming later on and the tiny band was scattered three ways: Longs to the left, shorts to the right and walkers straight on...

The Love Long Distance (The Gossip) longs comprising Wet Johnny, Manopause, Erection, Big End, Well Hopped, Kelvin and Polyfella went Pete Tong and Wong Wei turning left across the common but regained the trail back outside the Manor Inn.

Big End shouted 'Man down' as an injured hasher - Where Did Our Love Go (The Supremes) peeled off for the beer - remember to always inform a buddy if you can't continue.

The Love Table SS, well adorned with red cloth and hearts galore was a little sparsely attended - perhaps a tad too far for the Lovers Walk walkers (Elvis Costello & the Attractions) and Love Gun WJ was given the blame for leading some of the longs past the SS at a partially smudged marker.

Poor Well Hopped suffered a tumble in some far flung field and the following love songs can but console her: Can't Help Falling In Love (Elvis) or I'll Never Fall In Love Again (Tom Jones) or Love Hurts (Nazareth) or Fallen In Love (Alice Cooper) and Why Do Fools Fall in Love (Diana Ross). No? Well....

It was snug back at the Love Shack (The B-52's) (Manor Inn you fools) and a sharp shower - I Love a Rainy Night (Eddie Rabbitt) made the bar look mighty attractive. No contest for the best dressed hasher with our Grand Master natty in whistle and flute plus red snooker waistcoat - contrasting sharply with the Penners who preferred ultra casual Bermudas and flip-flops in deepest winter....sigh

Three harriets were mentioned in despatches: Love harriet with blonde tresses and candy stripe schoolgirl stockings - ah, I remember a girlfriend from my schooldays in 1944 well.. I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. A red check trousered chick who was the life and soul of the 'Love-in' and a pretty party dressed harriet. You know who you were ladies.


Well, there we have it my little lovebirds everywhere so Goodnight My Love (Jesse Belvin) and happy Valentine's Day upcoming. As young 69 said 'I felt the love man'.

*Robert Palmer

AWARDS

WELL HOPPED (white bat hat) A Victim of Love (Erasure) for taking a tumble.

WET JOHNNY (vampire bat hat) A Look of Love (Burt Bacharach) and for leading some of the longs away from the SS - but making it himself!

ABLE Lost Love (Judas Priest) who went to the wrong pub.

PRIZE WINNERS

BIG END Love Survive (Michael Nau) the Love Survival kit

ONLY HERE 4 BEER & DOG END the Candlelit Romantic Dinner for two.

POSTSCRIPT
A real Labour Of Love (Hue & Cry) by hares Coldtits and Shitfaced who were hampered by Sunday's Storm Ciara, forcing a partial lay Saturday and again on the Monday reinstating washed out marks. A hard core 'love-in' tarried a while after the hash proper had departed and it was a Proper Job (even at £4:20 a pint) evening. Virgin Kelvin travelled 36 miles from Saltash and 69 continues to support many a TV hash from up on Dartmoor even though he seldom has the opportunity to get to the pub after the run - well done both of you.
Apologies for the brief words this week as I was unable to complete the trail.

Must love you and leave you now..

ON ON to next week Monday 17th from The Kings Arms, Kingsteignton TQ12 3EG Circle 7:15 with Hares Fishbait & Small Fry

JUST BEAUT

Run #1832 Monday 3rd February Australian Night from the Park Inn with T Humper & I-Poo'd

 

Parky in the Park car park [sic] and a lone idiot was chanting dementedly. So come along sports, singalong with me to get you warmed up early in these shenanigans:

 

Oh tie me kangaroo down sport

Tie me kangaroo down

Who let me wallaby out trout*

Tie me kangaroo down

Come on let's hear it

TIE ME KANGAROO...

 

No? Well please yourselves then.

 

And an extra verse for SM Ellie's splendid (even though she had to explain what it was) cockatoo outfit:

Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl
Keep me cockatoo cool
Ah, don't go acting the fool, Curl
Just keep me cockatoo cool
Altogether now!

 

Yes, it was Aussie Night in aid of the fire afflicted animals and the outback outfits arrived: Strap-On with splendid face paint flag; Wiggy in gay beachwear; Mummy Soapy and baby Palmolive koalas; T Humper in koala sleepover kit and the inevitable cork hats too manifold to mention.

The roll call was:

Winfield, Teapot, Piltdown, Georgie, Coldtits, Wet Johnny, Erection, 69, Wigwam, SM Ellie, Soapy, Palmolive, 3Sum, SatNav, Grinder, Big End, Well Hopped, Slip on Me, Only Here 4 the Beer, Dog End, McMuffin, Weenie Whopper, I-Poo'd, T Humper, Manpig, Just Coming, Doris, Gaga4It, Brenda, Forrest, Strap-On, Archangel, BB 33 all told and ably supported later by Para and the legendary Bobby Woll.

 

Circle up and they awaited the pep talk from T Humper. A SIX miler long and Manpig was extremely aghast; a three mile or so short trail and of coursey the walkers' trail which would presumably be the trail of choice for Mrs Doubtfire - more on this a bit later, Oh Dearly Who the Hell Wuz That sport.

A gentle start saw cobber Wiggy lead the pack down the hill with Grinder sans Deep Throat (evening in doing his washing) and warrior Wet Johnny right behind.

 

T Humper had indicated that it was a 'runners' trail for the longs and she was Shirley right. Gloriously did WJ, Grinder, Manpig, Erection, Forrest and the Bat flee along the languid lanes.

Surprisingly missing from our merry band were Big End/Ned and Well Hopped and we looked back a few times to see where they were but they were on the short as Well Hopped wasn't too well.

Home territory for Manpig and he was the man to follow, steering Forrest and the Bat clear of Grinder and WJ before they inevitably closed up again.

 

About three miles under our belts when an arrow pointed menacingly upwards into the woods and off-trail for the first time.

 

It had been a great rolling trail and the cool ones beckoned from only a mile away and, after all, I was very old and decrepit and I had my Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia racing flats on.... shall I continue or do you get the vague notion that I didn't Go West Young Man...

Fearing that the Bat might be mugged, Forrest and Manpig escorted him back to the Gun Dog Park, Manpig veering off for a wash and brush up at his drum en routey.

We came upon a Child of God, he was jogging along the path towards us and there was Archangel, ploughing a lonely furrow down the short and, as usual sport, playing the game.

 

Close to home by the railway bridge was a wandering Erection, babbling incoherently about sightseeing in North Whilborough.

 

Exactly four tarmac miles recorded and I summoned my Gun Dog at the bar before being intercepted by T Humper. 'How was it BB?' My guilty look said it all. 'Oh, it took me hours to lay!' So sorry T Humper, the spirit was lacking and I can only blame it on the Gun Dog - now where have I heard that before?

 

But never mind, Grinder and Wet Johnny (did extra loop as well) and I think SM Ellie completed the long. The shorts were full of praise for the short trail which was mainly off-road and all were soon safely back to commence the fun and frolics.

 

Slip on Me was made up to the nines in her classy Dame Edna Everage garb and 3Sum certainly looked the part but many had made a fair dinkum effort. Good on ya sports.

 

*Poetic licence sports

 

WINFIELD'S MEMORIES of #1832 Mon.3rd Feb

Following an appeal from our Australian colleagues, to help the animals effected by bush fires An Australian Eve at The Park Inn Kingskerswell was organised by Hares:T.Humper & I'Pood "Wear something Australian" was the call for this special event with I'Pood baking cakes etc while T.Humper organised the Bush Tucker Challenge to help boost funds.

 

Hashers rose to the occasion immediately, with an excellent turnout of Australian costumes dressed as either people or Animals with £232.03 raised so far to help the injured animals in Australia but we will be collecting next week as well for all of those who missed this week

 

.Firstly last eve, a great a trail, where we could well have been deep in the outback bush when the 50/50 trail led us off road to some of the muddiest tracks ever! some even turned back here!

The police questioned Piltdown and Georgie who were in costume! when some unusual characters were spotted on a bridge throwing turnips at passing cars!

 

All was sorted, when we were finally able to kicked off the muddy shoes and change before and heading into Little Australia at the Park Inn.

 

T.Humper's Bush Tucker Challenge was now in place, DD nominations had a choice, pay the price eat the Tucker or face a DD First some bulls eyes to swallow with Slip-On me and Palmolive who did fail that the test! Next Fish eye drink with both Grinder and Erection taking the Challenge! McMuffin had her Birthday DD without a problem but Bobbiball has a problem with those Crickets. Archangel mastered the didgeridoo But Just Coming needed to wash those Meal Worms down quickly!

 

A great evening well done T.Humper & I,Pood, no doubt we will increase on the current donation for Australian animals

 

POSTSCRIPT

A bonza evening at the Park and all credit to I-Poo'd and T Humper (not forgetting Park and Ride of course) for their magnificent efforts to make it happen. The Bush Tucker Challenges struck fear into some and Erection has threatened reprisals from being nominated but it was all good fun though possibly not 'in the best possible taste' for the nominees. We loved it all T Humper and such a good cause. Summed up in a word - BEAUT.

And finally, where the hell did the Crocodile Dundee inflatable croc come from? I woke up Tuesday morning to find it sleeping next to me on the top bunk bed. Yes, quite an evening.

 

ON ON to next week at The Manor Inn Galmpton our "Love Trail" with Shitfaced and Coldtitz

MAGNIFICENT

Run #1831 Monday 27th January from the Drum Inn, Cockington with Beefy & Pisswell

The Batmobile nosed cautiously up the drive to the Drum and slotted seamlessly into the one remaining space available. It was 6:30 pm.

Next to arrive at 6:50 pm was Able who had to repair to the Sheriff of Nottingham car park below the Drum. Walking down to greet the advance troops, I noticed the (unlit so how could you see it?) pub sign with the 'welcoming' legend scrolled beneath: Drum Inn - NO PARKING - please park in the (pay 24/7) car park opposite. I bet that's popular with locals in winter.

No illuminated pay board but it was there, skulking at the rear wall to extract parking fines galore for the unwary. Able's comment that she didn't trust Torbay council well founded. But enough, I will desist from my parking lament and take us back to the inclement evening and an upcoming saga of some note..

Hashers congregated on the wide steps of the pub and there were a few unfamiliar faces.  The Gromit (long time no see old buddy) had been lured from his lair close by and was accompanied by Brewers Droop (AH3);  Skinny Dipper - a rare straggler from Land Ho; Yon Virgins Libby (Pisswell's daughter) and Charlie; Paddy (Cold East Cross last June) and the Torbay AC warriors Grinder and Deep Throat.

Teapot called it at thirty seven but a fearless forty one recorded herewith:

GM Shitfaced, Teapot, Manpig, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Just Coming, Archangel, Manpig, Well Hopped, Big End, SatNav, 3Sum, Strap-on, Wet Johnny, Erection, Skinny Dipper, Gromit, Brewers Droop, 69, Beefy, Pisswell, Charlie, Libby, Able, Doris, BroadS, SM Ellie, Wigwam, Grinder, Deep Throat, Paddy, Plonker, Artful Dogger, BB, Broken Man, Fallen Woman, Piltdown, Georgie, Slip on Me, U Bend and Coldtits.

Unbeknown to all, there was drama aplenty unfolding out on the trail.  Beefy had commenced laying around 4:30 pm but without co-hare Pisswell who was 'running' late.

Circle up time came and went with still no sign of the hares as the Grand Master waited with staff in hand and stoic pose.

At last Beefy was sighted and made the circle glistening with sweat. The Strava told a remarkable story: In 2 hours and 46 minutes, Beefy had covered FIFTEEN miles, averaging under 11 minutes a mile while laying in extremely muddy conditions. And here he was about to sweep the trail - think long and hard about it...

SIX L/S splits were mentioned along with a SS and without further ado, we were pointed downhill and the adventure commenced...

At the loiter the pack formed by ye olde forge awaiting the scouts and with two crosses sighted, the only game left was forwards - to the lakes.

It was crowded at the sharp end with Grinder, Deep Throat, Gromit, Wet Johnny, Erection, Plonker, Artful Dogger, BroadS, Manpig, Well Hopped and Big End all on the bunny. With such a wealth of talent, the trail was discovered with ease.

A little loop bringing us back from whence we had come about five minutes before had allowed Beefy to lay link up marks and things were going swimmingly.

Inevitably the pack shredded as the FRBs class (and ability to cope with the mud) took them away from the main body of longs. Artful Dogger, Grinder and Deep Throat had a right set to with Plonker apparently soloing around most of the trail but at a rate of knots in the ground.

A cohort of longs comprising Big End, Well Hopped, BroadS, Manpig, Erection, Gromit, Skinny Dipper and BB assembled and plodded onwards until things went awry.

I don't know how - and let me hasten to add that no-one was to blame - we just lost the trail.  Big End with Ned had now assumed trailfinder role of our group and after half an hour and two miles (!) we escaped the lake section and discovered Pisswell at the SS.

We were a long way adrift of most of the hash by now but determined to Carry On Hashing (2020).  Our group was reduced to four after some disappeared (Gromit met Wet Johnny and they went a different way) and Well Hopped peeled off leaving Big End, BroadS, BB and Manpig.

At every L/S split Big End asked if we were still okay to go long (we must have looked pretty bad by now) but we were committed (please, no jokes) and no one was going to knowingly go short.

The trail was most cunning and had us frequently backtracking.  We happened upon Pisswell, Libby and Paddy and looking back down a valley four or five other head torches could be seen so we weren't the tail enders. Manpig slipped [sic] a little way behind but Big End kept his tiny band together and camaraderie prevailed out there in the mud.

Lights from the bay appeared on the heights near the Marldon Road and it was familiar terrain as we dropped back down to Cockington Lane but we were over half an hour behind the FRbs. Sensing the beer, Manpig came back from the dead and legged it across the swampy ground to the lane.

After seventy minutes of unrelenting mud, I must hold up my hands and confess that it was here that I ran up the white flag with a lamentable cry: 'We've done enough!' and we legged it to the pub a half mile off.

It was only after consulting the Strava returns that I see that we missed the last two miles on road (Ned would have given the paws up here) but as stated, we had been out for around ninety minutes and had to forego the completion. Like others, I would dearly like to run this trail in summer sans sludge.

Entering the Drum around 9:15 pm, Teapot was informed of those still out on trail and the DDs were delayed. With no less than eight awards, beer had to be bought to accommodate the throng

DOWNDOWNS AWARDED TO:

CHARLIE (Horsey Horse head hat) for his slip and slide manoeuvres in the Cockington mud.

BLUEBIRD (White Bat Hat) whose name was mentioned so probably was responsible .

SM ELLIE (Hashit Pillock Shirt) apologies but I cannot recall the misdemeanour.

BEEFY for possibly the greatest lay in TVH's history.

PISSWELL for assisting and manning the SS.

TWO BIRTHDAY DDs for LIBBY & SLIP ON ME

And finally a 400 RUN BADGE for our RA MANPIG.

(Come back next week Winfield, I'm not too good at remembering the awards!)

POSTSCRIPT

What an evening it turned out to be. I cannot recall a greater effort to lay a trail in all the runs I have experienced as a hasher. To lay fifteen miles in winter and mud in such a short time AND then sweep the seven mile trail is truly remarkable. A feat that is worthy of recording for posterity.  The Drum was welcoming and parking fees aside was a good venue, providing a great atmosphere for the DDs. Thanks Big End for leading us out of the morass and finally, one word to sum up the hare's effort - MAGNIFICENT.

ON ON to next week and our Australian Evening at The Park Inn Kingskerswell,(TQ12 5BQ) with Hares:  T.Humper & I'Pood  Wear something Australian - a special evening to raise funds for caring for animals affected by the bush fires.