TVH3 The Words for 11th April 2022 - Court Farm, Abbotskerswell - The Cloverleaf - Run No. 1912

by Man-Pig

HARE: Piddler

 

Who wuz there: Piddler, Going Down, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Arkangel, Only Here for the Beer, Piltdown Man, Smellie, Broadshit, Melonpicker, Soapy, Wash 'n' Go, Aloe Vera, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Rambo, Fallen Woman, Coldtits, Tamsin (needs a name), U-Bend, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Strap-On, Mrs Strap-On (now Strap-Dancer), Bobbiball, Screwed, Bella, Rise 'n' Shine, Mateus Rose, Teararse.

 

The Circle

In the absence of our GM, U-Bend was notionally earmarked as stand-in RA for the evening. Piddler's main concern seemed to be filling out a questionnaire regarding who wanted a hot buffet and Pisswell was now taking money.....still not sure what she was taking money for but she had gathered £4 by the end of the evening.

 

U-Bend welcomed everyone into the circle.....well, not quite everyone as Tamsin snuck into the last available car parking space just as the circle finished and Coldtits had yet to arrive. This was a bit of a shame as the Hares instructions were.....errrrrrrm......baffling. "For those people on the Longs, ignore the Longs' arrows!". Piddler then went on to befuddle the easily befuddled even more. "There are three loops. Each loop finishes back here at the pub. Make sure you return to the pub and I shall direct you onto the next loop".

 

The Trail

Well, the instructions sounded simple enough. However they were predicated on two assumptions:

1) that hashers would all make it back to the pub - not necessarily a given

2) that Piddler would, indeed, be back at the pub to offer his divine guidance.....hmmmmmmm

The Longs and the Shorts exited the pub car park via the pedestrian gate to the left of the entrance drive. We then wound our way onto Slade Lane in the centre of Abbotskerswell and the first Long/Short split/loop and confusion. There were marks on both sides of the road. Neither were dots. On one side of the road were lines of flour about a foot long. On the other side of the road there were similar lines but these were all accompanied by a flour "L". We assumed that the latter must be the return leg of the loop.

 

The Longs trail (if that was what we were on?) led us northwest along Slade Lane before bearing right and up Ford Road. Beefy was the FRB as the trail then went straight across Manor Road and followed the footpath uphill and across an open field. Well, this is not entirely accurate.

 

Up until 3 years ago, the footpath did run through an open field that was used for village fetes and children's games. For all practical purposes it was used as the village green. Now the footpath is fenced in on both sides. I don't know why it had been fenced in but it was a shame to pass the 3 large oak trees, now inaccessible, in the middle of the field. For many years I have run past these oaks and at least one of them has always had a swing or a rope hanging off its boughs for the children to play on........now nothing.

 

On Stoneman's Hill our first check. Beefy went left whilst Man-Pig checked right. Both were back checks. The only alternative was a dogleg and onto the public footpath that would take us down to Decoy Woods. This was going to be a long loop.

 

Wet-Johnny led the pack down into the edge of Decoy Brake and another check. Man-Pig went left only to find a false trail. Wet-Johnny had gone straight ahead into the woods and was now calling "On-On" just as the rest of the FRB's caught up. These comprised Broadshit and the remaining Penners - Erection and Manopause. Other regular Longs were not in sight. Smellie has a foot injury, Tamsin might still be recovering from Covid and Arkangel was on-trail but conducting it at a more leisurely pace.

 

I was now at the back of the Longs, but not for Long as the FRB's had overrun a junction and stumbled across another back check. I guessed that Wet-Johnny was in front of me but I never did see him again till the pub.

 

The trail skirted the south western edge of Decoy Woods. Upon exiting the woods onto a cart track we came to a check. Man-Pig was already checking out the public footpath that runs southwest along a hedgebank. Sure enough, at the end of the first field we came to the third mark, "On-On". We crossed the corner of the second field before entering the field with the deserted barn slap, bang in the centre of it. The last time we ran through this field it was planted with maize 6 feet tall.

 

The footpath rejoined tarmac on Priory Road. Behind me I could see Broadshit, Beefy and the Penners. No sign of Wet-Johnny though. Was he in front or behind?

 

Arriving back at Court Farm car park, I caught up with Screwed, Bella and Piltdown Man. They said that they'd been a little off trail and were doing their own thing. In the absence of any sign of Piddler in the pub car park I embarked on the second loop.

 

This took us into the churchyard and immediately right and along the footpath, crossing Corn Park Road before turning left onto Court Grange Road. The trail took us onto the homemade cycle cross track that runs parallel with the road for 200 yards. Back on tarmac and yet another back check (Piddler really likes these!). A track marked as a public footpath took us due south and almost to Whiddon Road and.....you guessed it.....another back check! Back down the flooded footpath that we've hashed along many times in the past.

 

At the end of the perpetually flooded section of track, we turned right and through a galvanised steel pedestrian gate. This had us traversing the two fields that took us back to the pub on Wilton Way. This time Piddler was present!

 

Q. "Where have you been Man-Pig?"

A. "Decoy Woods and then the second loop through the graveyard"

"You fool. You've done the third loop second"

"Well. You weren't in the car park to give directions!"

 

With that, Piddler imparted the divine wisdom that had me on the third/second loop down Grange Road before joining Wilton Way and bearing right past the Butchers Arms. I wonder if it will ever reopen as a pub? The out and return legs took us up a track that then narrowed into a footpath. It was just getting dark and two torches were coming towards me. It was Smellie and Anne on the Walkers trail. A quick "Hello" and "Goodbye" and it wasn't long before I was in a field and catching up with Arkangel just below the power pylons. We were having a quiet conversation about Exeter Chiefs' win over Munster when the peace was shattered by the Pillock with the small horn. Bluebird was wandering around parts of the trail blowing his horn. Exiting the field, we came to the final check which had been kicked out to the right to the final (or should that be second?) return leg.

 

The idea of setting a trail in the shape of a clover leaf is inspired. However, it will always need co-ordination at its centre. It almost worked. The publicised distance of 5 miles wasn't far off. My elderly, and occasionally dodgy, Garmin recorded 5.43 miles; probably not far off the mark.

 

Well done Piddler. You nearly pulled it off. Now, where is Coldtits?

 

The Down-Downs

Hashshit shirt absent as it is with Shitfaced.

 

Jester's hat from Manopause to Wet-Johnny for not shouting "On-On".....He's the meanest. He sucks etc.

 

Wet-Johnny gives baby bat hat to Beefy for wearing dodgy leather gloves on trail. A note for the rapist.

Piddler a very slow down-down for setting the trail.

 

Anne gets named Strap-Dancing.

 

Next week

Passage House Inn, Kingsteignton with Screwed as hare - no doubt assisted by Bella.

On-On to next week.

A WARM FRONT PEDALS IN

Run #1911

Each week I scan the Strava pages to study TV hashers' trail adventures. This week, I was drawn to Beefy's stats from the AGPU trail. It seemed to be a sustained run, averaging 8:15 mile pace over undulating terrain.

I was puzzled as this week there didn't seem to be any FRB's who could have kept him company and Beefy is not known for blasting a 'solo' (unlike some I shall not mention).

 

Upon enquiring, all became clear. Read on, Oh Dearly Want to be Informed for Beefy's 'View from the Longs' ...

 

I am, as some know, wont to be tardy leaving a Hash CP, and this week was no different, having taken a video and faffed about trying to make the Strava work.

 

So who were the Longs? Well, I caught up with, and passed: Pisswell, Arkangel, Erection and Manopause before the first check. In the distance was Warm Front. But what was this?... none of the usual suspects: Big End, Well Hopped, the 'Bird, the 'Pig and WJ himself, were missing.

 

Nothing for it but to try to catch Warm Front. Easy! WF checked into a field and I ran on to find three dots. I started to run back to call "On" but, the pack had run past the check with no WF in sight.

I heard later that Manopause had used his insider knowledge and sent the pack on without even stopping to kick out!

 

On we went, into the 'burbs of Ipplepen city where WF caught up and passed us all as I went into a cul-de-sac (and back out). I managed to stay with WF as we reached, and crossed Totnes Road, entered Marldon Road and turned off, into a lane which took us behind Dainton golf centre.

 

Apparently, WF had pedalled ten miles to be at the Hash but, to my embarrassment, she showed no sign of tiring as she skimmed effortlessly the surface of the roads. We traded checks as we continued along Whiddon Road and crossed Totnes Road again at the Two Mile Oak.

 

I had to work hard to keep up (which I failed to do, much of the time) as we coursed the very well marked Trail back to Moor Lane and the On Home. 

 

I recorded 5.3 miles, which I topped up afterwards. It was a very enjoyable Trail and a credit to the Hares. 

 

On On. Beefy

Run number 1911 4th April 2022

With no Blue Bird or Man Pig to write the words tonight

Shitfaced asked for volunteers, I though…… then said “alright”.

‘Twas good to see our GM back, no covid ill effect,

A smallish circle gathered round present and correct.

19 hashers came tonight to attend the AGPU

(Warm Front even cycled here to join ‘the chosen few’).

On the edge of Ipplepen, met at the football club

(Wet Johnny did the food tonight - Cheaper than a pub).

Wet Johnny also laid the trail, such a busy fella

Still quite light and nice n dry, no need for an umbrella.

Longs and shorts and walker’s trails all clearly laid in flour

Laid on the right, 3 and on – be back in ‘bout an hour.

The lycra boys (and girls) ran off, leaving us still standing

Uphill back along the road at first we found demanding.

Then narrow path the other side, ran along the road

The L/S split laid in flour, direction clearly showed.

All along to Two mile Oak and crossed the road once more

And followed signs to Denbury, flour arrows on the floor.

The fast front runners out of sight, with Ubend I now run

We were first to reach the checks and checked them every one.

Got it wrong the first time and the second time as well

On trail the hedgerows filled with primroses and bluebell.

Looking over shoulder saw Warm Front close behind

(she is an elite runner you’ve got to bear in mind).

Then on her heels was Beefy trying to get home first

‘cos football club had cheap beer, enough to quench his thirst.

In dribs and drabs we all got back, some at just a walk

Some people run, some people jog, some just come to talk.

We changed our clothes and settled down to curry, chips and rice

(I didn’t actually have some but the aroma was quite nice!!)

Shitfaced called us all to order, to start the AGPU

Who else was on committee? – I didn’t have a clue!

He was looking pretty lonely, saddened and bereft

So, Piltdown ‘came his right-hand man but sat down on his left!

No one to write the minutes? So, I thought I’d have a go

With in’s and out’s and bank accounts – the things we have to show.

The GM thanked committee and said some want to leave

The accounts were read, not in the red, the black I do believe

3Sum had it all wrote down, in rows and columns clearly

the subs collected every week and People paying yearly.

Insurance paid and badges bought and Tshirts for awards

(I took a photo of her notes, to keep for our records)

3sum would like keep her roll, Hash Cash she will remain

But Sat Nav (who did Hash Tax) doesn’t want to stand again

So Pisswell now will greet you all, beg or take your pound

And Piltdown man who takes your names is gunna hang around.

Our G.M. will stand again, we needn’t ask him twice

And to help him with the work load, Ubend will be his vice.

Rambo ‘came our new trail raiser. Wet Johnny social sec

If night out you want to organise, with him you’ll have to check.

Zoot will remain our Haberdash, and web master still bluebird

Pork Torpedo will sing songs, the ‘worst’ you’ve ever heard!

Forest Stump, Fallen Woman and Man Pig our R.A.s

And their Organiser Teapot entertain us on Mondays.

 

Well that’s it folks, I’ve done the words and craftily within it

I hope you read them, that’s because you've also read the minutes

On on Soapy xx

Monday 4th April map

 

A TRAIL OF TWO HALVES & ONCE MORE UNTO THE BREACH FOR PISSWELL

Run #1910 Monday 28th March from the Divers Arms at Babbacombe

 

LAST MINUTE HARES: Bluebird and Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Bluebird, Man-Pig, Arkangel, Forrest Stump, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Smellie, Broadshit, Melonpicker, Soapy, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Rambo, Fallen Woman, Piddler, Coldtits, Able Semen, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Ernie, Swinger, Polyfella, Tamsin (needs a name), Satnav, Threesum (on-down only), Bobbiball (on-down only). PLUS Strap-On!

 

THE CIRCLE

A void week in the Hash Diary i.e. no hares. The demon duo of Dick Dastardly and Mutley stepped in to lay the trail. An early improvised on-down at Kents was changed at the last minute to the Divers Arms - formerly Route 16; Coach and Horses and originally the Roughwood.. It has been a long time since we ran from here. In fact, the last time that many of us were in this pub was for Mavis's 40th birthday party prior to him running off to New Zealand with Half Nelson.

 

Able Semen had an announcement regarding The Devon Lunatics weekend commencing on Friday 13th May 2022. It will kick-off with a run/pubcrawl from the Mill-on-the-Exe on the Friday evening. It is a self-funded pay-as-you-go affair so come for 1, 2 or all 3 days. More details to follow on the Devon Lunatics Facebook page.

 

Man-Pig then had an update regarding Number 2's funeral. Yes, it is now open to the hash to attend. However, the chapel is small and can only accommodate a maximum of 50 people. The funeral details have already been posted on both the TVH3 and Ashburton Hash Facebook pages. It will take place at in Newton Abbot at 2.30pm on Friday 8th April. Thereafter, it is off to the Union Inn, Denbury for a rum or two to celebrate Number 2's life. Dress attire is bright and colourful. Threesum is co-ordinating numbers. Early indications are that the threshold of 50 in the chapel might well be exceeded. Watch the TVH3 Facebook page for updates.

 

Over to the remaining hare as Bluebird had run off to live lay the remaining piece of the trail jigsaw. This, despite, having promised that the Shorts trail had been completed the previous day. The remaining hare, Man-Pig, explained:

 

First, scoff - if you want food do not do the Longs. The kitchen closes at 8.30 but the chef will give us a 10 or 15 minute leeway. Anyone arriving back at the pub after 8.45 would go hungry.Second, "the trail - there is a Walkers, Shorts and a Longs. I have no idea about distance as I had had no part in the Walkers and Shorts' trails". Almost as much information as had been imparted by Arkangel the previous week!

 

THE TRAIL

The early parts of the trail had been laid by Bluebird in a combination of blue chalk and cat litter. The latter parts of the trail had been laid by Man-Pig in flour. The trail led past Babbacombe theatre and then along Babbacombe Downs, past the cliff railway, and onwards past the Model Village. A Long/Short split had the Shorts turning right down towards Oddicombe Beach. 

 

The Longs carried on along St Marychurch Road before turning right onto Petitor Road, past Torbay Golf club, and to a check on Redcliffe downs. The trail then beared right and downhill taking us onto the commando challenge on Oddicombe Beach. This comprised clambering over large blocks of fallen sandstone from the collapsing cliff face. Normally sandstone is fairly soft and smooth. Not this stuff. This appears to contain sherds of flint. Whatever it is, it is like climbing over very coarse sandpaper.

 

Despite the trail being conducted at low tide, no one was afforded the luxury of a simple run along the beach. The choices were: 1) get wet, probably very wet or, 2) to clamber over the rockfall and risk breaking your ankles. The state of the tide rather dictated the latter as being the only plausible option.

Once clear of the obstacle course, it was a simple run for Piddler and I along Oddicombe Beach passing Piltdown Man and an injured Smellie on the way. I was sure that I was the last of the Longs, but it later transpired that Arkangel had taken up the role of tail-end-charlie and cleared the rocks on his own.

 

At the end of the beach, it was up the very steep Beach Road past the Carey Arms. The Walkers continued up Beach Road and back to the pub. Meanwhile, the Longs and the Shorts had to bear sharp left. This leads to an area of wooded hillside and a climb up to open downs at Walls Hill. Here we came across Tamsin. She was resting as she was still a little weak whilst recovering after having contracted covid.

 

Soon all three of us were on open ground and a number of other hashers torches could be seen. We ran past the Babbabcombe cricket club pavilion only to see Pisswell and Forrest Stump a little off trail and running back to the pub. Melonpicker was in front of us and looking for marks. With a little help from the hare, we got him back on trail just before arriving at the last Long/Short split. Tamsin and Piddler sensibly elected for the Shorts. Dastardly, or is that Mutley, decided that he should sweep the Longs.

 

The Last Long was a 3 mile loop. Leaving Walls Hill, the trail led through woodland and the footpath that took us down to the car park on Ansteys Cove Road (sometimes known as Palace Road). At the rear of the car park the trail crossed the playing fields. The southern end of the playing fields is bounded by Ilsham Road. The check here had been kicked out. Good. There were Longs in front of me. The trail took a left down Ilsham Road before an arrow took us into Ilsham Meadow - the site of our first post third lockdown run - courtesy of Wigwam.

 

Almost at the southern end of Ilsham Meadow, where Ilsham Road turns into Meadfoot Sea Road, a check took the pack right and into the woodland of Manor Gardens. The trail took us up a steep incline before exiting the wood onto Lincombe Drive. Almost straight across the private drive and up a very steep public footpath that leads up to Higher Lincombe Road. An arrow now took us right and along Higher Lincombe Road before dropping down left onto Ridgeway Road.

 

At the apex of the first hairpin bend, another arrow. this time guiding us down a rather overgrown public footpath. This took us down and onto Higher Erith Road. Another arrow pointing to the right and we were heading past Lincombe Road and onto the Babbacombe Road at Kents in Wellswood. Arrows took us right and up Babbacombe Road. But not for long.

 

Before arriving at the entrance to the huge construction project, on the site of the old Palace Hotel, a long curved arrow took us down another public footpath. This was signposted "Footpath access to Ansteys Cove". The footpath ended at the Ansteys Cove car park. An arrow with an "OH" below it took us back up that part of Ansteys Cove Road that we had just run down 25 minutes earlier. 

 

This time it was all the way up to the top of the road where it rejoins Babbacombe Road. The marks took us up a slight uphill ascent until yet another arrow pointed right and along 250 yards of footpath. This led us back onto Walls Hill to rejoin the Shorts trail for the final 600 yards back to the pub.Back in the pub, I had thought that I had been the last to be out on trail. Not so. Arriving back at the pub with Forrest Stump, Pisswelll was aghast that she'd only recorded 2.83 miles. U-turn, out of the pub and back unto the breach of Walls Hill to find that elusive last Long/Short split. 

 

Well done - dogged determination if ever there was.

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

The Baby Bat Hat, perched upon Georgy was the first Deliverance (1972) and manifold were the propos-ed culprits. Eighteen consumed chips later and Wetfart was summoned for allegedly baring all. A note for 'hung like a donkey' if you please.

 

The wise or wizened Wizard Piddler spun a tale of adventure and disaster before finally getting to the point and awarding the Jester's Hat to Pisswell for being late back to the pub. (see main text!).

Forrest had smelt a rat cum sardines in brine as He who should not be nam-ed approach-ed with the revered Hashit shirt in tow. I know you are mildly interested or held captive in my text bubble, so I'll elaborate:

 

I feed a one-legged seagull (I'm not the only one, so does BroadS) sardines daily as he crash lands onto my flat roof. I then have to wipe my hands on something - and, I think you've only sussed it - the closest thing to hand the past week was ... No? Well please yourselves then.

 

Anyway, rewind back to the Divers Inn and Bobby wheeling his Panzer cycle through the doors into the pub. Wishing to come to the aid of der Rottenfuhrer, I hastily provided a cover story to the management.

 

'He's eighty five you know.' The bar manageress looked across at the bewheeling apparition and retorted: 'Eighty five? That's amazing!' 

 

Poor Bobby, and a stale pork pie caught him under the eye and Bobby bit the dust - or floor as Teapot presented that Little Shop of Horrors (1986) aka the doggie beer bowl.

 

Bobby blanched and doggedly [now come on SIC you fools] prepared for the worst. But then a shining light came upon the assembly and White Knight (I know, a man of many parts) Piddler stepped forward, picked up the doggie bowl and placed it in bewildered Bobby's clammy hands.

 

Whoa! I didn't know it was that simple! And down it did young Bobby to the accompanying chords of 'Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy' Hurrah!

 

MP comment: The Homing Horse Head Hat - although absent, rumour has it that stabling has been found for it at Ka Ford in Maidencombe! (Dire threats have been uttered by Wetfart who awarded the hat to the Idiot on Awards Night).

 

POSTSCRIPT

Relieved to get this one done and dusted. It was quite a slog, what with the Hunt for Red October (1990) and a DD at short notice; the pre-lay of the short trail on Sunday and the live lay of the last section of the long on the night. 

 

Mighty thanks go to co-hare MP who trekked over at 5 pm and stayed after laying his loop of the long.

The chariot tether charge was iniquitous - as many of you rightly did protest. Charges applicable to midnight! The Sheriff of Nottingham evidently is alive and well in Torbay. 

 

But never mind, the shares in RentaHare are steadily rising and we wait in the wings to come to the aid of the Hash. 

 

Thank you all for making the journey.

 

NEXT WEEK

It's the Big Night, our AGPU from Ipplepen football club with hare Wet Johnny and the usual Penner suspects.

 

And now it's goodbye from Man-Pig and goodbye from me.

ON ON!

Monday 28th March location map

 

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY & YOU CAN DROWN IN A HALF INCH OF BEER!

Run #1909 Monday 21st March from Teign Bridge CP, OD the Kings Arms.

REPLACEMENT HARES: Shitfaced & Arkangel

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Arkangel, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Cheeri-Beerio, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Smellie, Broadshit, Only Here for the Beer, Melonpicker, Soapy, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Wet-Johnny, Manopause, Rambo, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Piddler, Coldtits, Slip On Me, The Virgin Mary (returnee from 2008!), Strap-On, Mrs Strap-On, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Able Semen. A howling Bluebird impersonator (we never did find out who this was - a civilian as mad as Bluebird?)

 

THE CIRCLE

In the absence of our original covid stricken hares, Shitfaced stepped in to lay the trail. Once again most of it was delegated. This time to Arkangel. This was mainly on account of the fact that Shitfaced was still recovering from a week's worth of 40th birthday celebrations - including an excellent party at Forde Hall. Thankyou Shitfaced. I guess that we'll now have to wait till your 50th for another week long party?

 

Arkangel was brief on the description of the trail. "Two long short splits". Piddler, as ever, wanted to know the full route of the trail; distance, topography, air temperature, sea temperature - the whole caboodle. But Arkangel was giving nothing away.

 

Just before the "off", Man-Pig delivered a rather sad announcement. Long term harriet of several Devon hashes, Number Two (Val Dean), had died on 8th March at Derriford Hospital. And, on that sombre note, the trail commenced.

 

THE TRAIL

 

DERANGED (1974)

The trail took us straight across the road from the car park and northwest along the western bank of the Teign. To our left we could hear shouts and bellowing of the deranged Bluebird over by the Stover canal.....or so we thought. That was until we eventually caught up with Bluebird at a check. So who was the deranged hasher? Shirley it must have been a hasher as he had a head torch. We never found out who the mystery impersonator was. We eventually concluded that it was almost certainly a non hasher.

After a mile, we came to the Walkers' split. The Walkers peeled off left towards Locks Bridge whilst the Longs and the Shorts followed the Teign along its banks to Ventiford Bridge. This was beginning to look like an anticlockwise re-run of Screwed and Bella's run from last year. However, the check at Ventiford Bridge had us all heading back towards Teigngrace. In Teigngrace an arrow took us over the railway line and the Stover canal before rejoining the Shorts. The return leg took us along the new cycle track which is built on the route of the disused railway line. It wasn't long before we were back on the old Exeter Road and the "OH" sign....but there was a catch. This was also the second Long/Short split.

 

The Shorts went left for 100 yards before arriving back at their cars. The Longs, meanwhile, embarked on a trek down to Jetty Marsh in Newton Abbot. This one and a half mile loop had us going down the western edge of the Stover canal and back up the eastern bank of the canal. And, for good measure, Arkangel put in an arrow leading down some steps at its furthest point. I was a little perplexed as I don't recall ever having gone down these steps before. Nevertheless, the arrows don't lie (usually). This turned out to be the shiggiest part of the trail and it was a Ha! Ha! Back up the steps to find the real trail. Sure enough, we'd missed an enormous arrow. This guided us onto the east bank for a fast trot back upto Exeter Road and the car park.

 

Well, that was the end of the official trail. However, for some reason, Pisswell had elected to run back to the pub. I was the second last to leave the car park. Only Pisswell's yellow AA van remained. Hence, imagine my surprise to find her standing outside the pub as I drove past? How perplexing. A down-down for next week methinks.

 

Well done last week's birthday boys, Arkangel and Shitfaced, for standing in and setting a worthy trail.

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

Beefy awarded the Baby Bat hat to Georgy Porgy for startling him in the car. Georgy pulled a face and stated that 'I don't like beer!' WHAT? She then refused to drink out of a urine specimen container, choosing the normal glass. An apology was (after prompting) tendered to the completely innocent Bird who had also been mentioned for 'screeching' on trail.

 

IN THE FRAME SHIRLEY

On leaving the Teign Bridge CP en routey for the dash back to the bar, Pisswell was entering the CP and the Bird brain decided to give her a wide berth Bertha but managed to mount the kerbing instead. Two loud bangs ensued as the silver chariot crashed over... sigh. Shirley the Bird was in the frame!

But neigh, ever so neigh, Neddy, hold your horses. Pisswell enquired as to the whereabouts of the Virgin Mary [First Bible refs: Matthew (1:16; 18-25) and Luke (1:26-38)] but our harriet the Virgin Mary was not in the pub. 'Okay, where's Manopause then?' Oh lackaday, the Penners also were missing. Oh-oh, Pisswell would now have to resort to the third choice... Enter stage left One Idiot..

 

DEATH ON THE DOWN-DOWN (2022)

Did you know that you could drown in a half inch of beer? Nearly a first fatality on the DD as the Bird thrashed wildly in his beer bird bath.. not a pretty sight..

 

The lead up to the Jester's Hat destination left little doubt that Piddler was favourite. A catalogue of transgessions followed, including forgetting what the Grand Master was called... step forward Piddler please.

 

NEXT WEEK

A gap in the diary filled once more by Rentahare© Inc.

We will be at the Divers Arms, 86 Babbacombe Downs Rd, Torquay TQ1 3LU Confus-ed? Formerly Route 16 which also may not ring any bells, but before that it was the Coach and Horses where we have hashed from a few times in the past.

 

As usual, it's goodbye from Man-Pig and goodbye from me until next week's episode.

 

ON-ON!

 

POST SCRIPT: On hearing the news of Number Two's passing, Poacher has expressed a wish to lay a trail from Denbury in Number Two's memory. Watch this space for details.

Monday 21st map

 

TRIPLE BIRTHDAY BOY - RENT A HARES & ONE MILLION CALORIES B.C.

by Man-Pig

Run #1908 Monday 14th March from the Park Inn

 

HARE: "Shitfaced" & friends!

 

Stentorian sang the centurion atop the wooded valley and tormented were the legionnaires of the Imperial TVH who toiled up the rocky and treacherous incline. Oh Yes, Oh Dearly Deja Vu, there was a Bluebird singing over the muddy cliffs of Coffinswell...

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Archangel, Bobbiball, Forrest Stump, T-Humper, Ipoo'd, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Only Here for the Beer, Andy (newby from the Park Inn), Melonpicker, Soapy, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Rambo, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Piddler, Triple Jump and Julie (apres trail), Ablesemen, TT, Slip On Me, Floss (post run beer only). Informed that Artful Dogger and Muttley were there as well.

 

THE CIRCLE

Historically, this had been the St Patrick's Day hash and the Hare has been Irish birthday boy Arkangel. However, this year the green tradition has been usurped by the GM.....and for good reason. For it is Shitfaced's 40th birthday on the 18th.

 

Now, I don't know if the lofty status of GM has gone to Shitfaced's head, but he has gone one better than the Queen. Her Majesty only hs two birthdays a year. Shitfaced has three. Monday's run was birthday No.1; Thursday is his actual birthday and on Saturday he has his official 40th birthday party at Forde Hall in Newton Abbot. Shitfaced welcomed everyone into the circle.

 

Tonight there would be a pre-birthday barbecue laid on, gratis, by the birthday boy and prepared by Park 'n' Ride.....and how excellent it was - replete with a gorgeous pavlova courtesy of Soapy. In addition to the evening's free scoff, Shitfaced invited all the Hash to his official party. This will take place at Forde Hall, Newton Abbot from 7pm till midnight on Saturday 19th March. Splendid.

Over to the Hare(s). Shitfaced looked towards Man-Pig. Well, after all, he did have a barbecue to organise! In fairness, Bluebird did offer the services of himself and Man-Pig to help lay the trail at the end of last week's Awards Night.

 

Man-Pig described the trail whilst Bluebird disappeared in his car to, "do something on the trail". Man-Pig advised that there were three long-short splits and a short-walkers' split. The Walkers' would be circa 2 miles, Shorts 4.5 to 5 and the Longs pushing on 7 miles....or so he thought.

 

As it transpired, Bluebird's, "doing something on trail" turned out to be him morphing into a traffic warden. This was in order to knock half a mile off the Shorts' trail. The Hare then recommended that, if the Shorts didn't want too long a trail, just do the second Long/Short split.

 

THE TRAIL

The trail took us straight across the road from the Park Inn car park and up the pedestrian alleyway and onto the first check on Park Road. After quite a bit of checking, and an absence of marks, it was "On-On" left and along Woodlands Avenue and the junction with Coles Lane. Another check, barely visible in peach coloured chalk. On-right and up to the A380; the main road which bisects Kingskerswell. Down towards the quarry at Aller Brake and the first Long/Short split.

 

The Walkers and Shorts climbed up Yew Tree Climb to Paraprick's pad on Milber Lane before turning right towards Coffinswell. The Longs, meanwhile, embarked on a 700 metre loop down the old A380 and then back to Romany Jones' cafe via a track that runs parallel with the main road.

 

Now back on the Shorts' and Walkers' trail the Longs pushed on to the next Long/Short split. This was at the end of Milber Lane at its junction with Blackenway Lane. The Shorts and Walkers went right. After 100 yards they arrived at the Shorts/Walkers' split. The Walkers went right and dropped back onto the A380 just behind the garage that sells the camper vans. It was then a simple backtracking of the outward trail back to the pub.

 

SIREN (2016 horror)

The Shorts went left and towards the centre of Coffinswell. After 300 yards, a large arrow directed them down a broad track called Kerswell Lane. This then rises steeply to the top of Kerswell Hill where we could see a very bright torch and hear (unmelodious) singing, screeching, yodelling - call it what you will. This, unsurprisingly, turned out to be the siren call of Bluebird luring hashers to their fate.

In reality, it was Bluebird correcting a trail laying error from earlier in the day which had resulted in an additional, and unplanned, half mile loop. In his new role as yodeller cum traffic policeman, he guided Hashers to the top of Kerswell Hill where all were ushered left and across the field at the top of Kerswell Hill. Coldtits and I followed the harrowing sounds to the crest where Bluebird confirmed who had and had not passed through beforehand. Quite a few Shorts had been through including, surprisingly, Forrest Stump with Muttley. The usual FRB's would still be on the second lang/Short split but no-one knew where Piddler was. Was he on the Long? We never found out. (I forgot that he was next on trail behind Forrest. BB).

 

In daylight, this highpoint delivers a spectacularly picturesque view over the village of Coffinswell. At nighttime, it additionally afforded Bluebird a birdseye [sic] view of Hashers' torches proceeding through the village.

 

After crossing the field atop Kerswell Hill, it was a left turn and back down the track known as Coffinswell Lane. Coffinswell Lane exits onto Willowpark Lane near Coffinswell church. A right turn and continue along Willowpark Lane to the final Long/Short split.

 

Meanwhile, back at the second Long/Short split Beefy, Pisswell, Manopause and Erection had climbed up Blackenway Lane to its junction with St Marychurch Road. Here they came upon a peculiar mark - a circle with a cross in it. Completey befuddled by this alien mark, they took it as a Ha Ha and decided to run all the way back to the previous Long/Short split in order to rejoin the Shorts' trail.

 

On the way down Blackenway Lane, they came across Arkangel plodding slowly uphill. They recounted the story of the mystery mark. Arkangel explained that this was a back check. There would have been a turn off somewhere near the mark which they had missed.

 

Unconvinced by this explanation, the quartet continued down Blackenway Lane to embark on the Shorts' trail. Arkangel, meanwhile, continued up to the top of the lane. Twenty five yards before its junction with St Marychruch Road, there is a galvanised steel gate on the right. In truth, it is pretty concealed but it leads onto a public footpath across the edge of a 150 yard wide field. On the other side of the field is another galvanised steel gate. This exits onto Connybear Lane. The trail then beared right, dropping into Coffinswell via another footpath that runs infront of two large posh houses, before rejoining the Shorts. Well done Arkangel. The only hasher to stay on trail for the entire hash!

 

Back at the bottom of Coffinswell Lane, Coldtits and I trotted first up and then down Willowpath Lane to the final Long/Short split at the junction with Daccombe Mill Lane. The FRB's had just caught us up. Manopause and erection elected to follow Coldtits on the Shorts. This part of trail went along the occasionally flooded, Daccombe Mill Lane to Kingskerswell where it enters the village just above the Lord Nelson on Fluder Hill.

 

Beefy, Pisswell and myself opted for the Long which added just over a mile to the trail. This took us upto the crossroads at the top of Fluder Hill. If we had continued straight across the crossroads, we would have had a fairly steep descent down to Kerswell Gardens. The Hare was not so cruel. The trail took us right and along the crest of Fluder Hill before the long descent back to the village. We were convinced that we were the only ones to have done the final Long. But what was this in front of us? None other than Melonpicker....a closet FRB!

 

Passing the Lord Nelson on our right, we arrived at the village war memorial where we came to a faint chalk "OH". This took us right and along School Road and Coles Lane and back to the on-down and the barbecue that awaited us.......if there was any left. There was!

 

Thanks to Shifaced and Park'n'Ride for laying on the barbecue and thanks to Soapy for a wonderful pavlova.....and the grand finale? Rum and raisin and Baileys alcoholic fudge crafted by soon-to-be super chef, I'Pood. Well done all.

 

BARBIE DOWN-DOWNS

 

A DOWN-DOWN OF TWO HALVES

I-Poo'd awarded the Jester's Hat to Birthday Boy Shitfaced - after he had his Birthday DD, they were only halves after all.

 

SHE'S L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D

Forrest, his ears still ringing from the trail onslaught cacophany, nominated the stentorian centurion but wary of being counter- downdowned, sensibly lumbered Pisswell with the Hashit Shirt for flashing a light on exiting the CP. 

 

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

Delivering the Baby Bat Hat was problematic as the Bird, perched atop a five barred gate for much of the evening had Much Ado About Nothing as Will would have whispered. However, there was a rumour emanating from the Penners' beer table and, in desperation, the Bird flew [Shirley sic you fools] with it.

Sorry, Beefy, old mate, they made me do it...

 

HORSE HAT CHELTENHAM BOUND

'Where's Ned?' enquired Wetfart who had sussed that the Homing Horse Head Hat was missing from the show.

Well neigh, it's a most special week - Cheltenham Oh Glory Be! and the horsey will be watching with me of course!

 

T Humper was awarded a 100 Run Badge and a celebration half to seal the deal.

 

ONE MILLION CALORIES B.C. (2022)

Another Birthday Boy was brought forward for a celebratory drink - Come on down Archangel please! And with that, the One Million Calories B.C. (2022) creation was produced courtesy of Soapy and a few helpings were dished out - but leaving the bulk of the calorie 'bombe' for the Grand (now even grander) Master to demolish.... whoa!

 

NEXT WEEK

Teigngrace car park near the river. The on-down is the Kings Arms, Kingsteignton. Original Hares of Pork Torpedo and Horny are, unfortunately, unavailable due to covid. It currently looks like replacement Hares will be Forrest-Stump and Arkangel.

 

Don't forget Shitfaced's party at Forde Hall this Saturday.

 

And so it's goodbye from Man-Pig and goodbye from me.

On-On to next week.