by Man-Pig
Run #1899 10th January 2022 from the Devon Arms Hotel, Teignmouth
HARES: Piltdown-Man & Smellie
Who
wuz there: Piltdown-Man, Smellie, Shitfaced, Georgy-Porgy, Gaga-4-it,
Fast Auntie Brenda, Strap-On, Well Hopped, Coldtits, Rambo, Wetfart,
Beefy, Pisswell, Man-Pig, Arkangel (late SCB), Piddler, Only Here for
the Beer, Forrest Stump, Bluebird, Fukarewe (pub only).
Who
wasn't: late message from Cheerio Beerio who had intended to attend
and bring the Hashshit shirt but caught in traffic in Exeter.
THE CIRCLE
Shitfaced
welcomed everyone into the Circle. The only announcement was that
annual subs are now payable at £25pa which ".....lasts a whole year from
January to January!" Shitfaced confirmed that the pub didn't do food
but takeaways would be allowed. The Hare's description was brief. "Longs
just over 5. Shorts about 3 and a Walkers' "....no distance stated.
Additionally, no co-hare. It transpired that the trail had been laid the
previous day. However, overnight, all the marks had been eaten. Hence,
Smellie was on a last minute dash to reinstate some of the marks.
THE TRAIL
Almost
from the start there was a feeling of deja vu. The trail was following a
very similar route to Smellie's virgin lay on the Halloween fancy dress
hash. The trail took us down Northumberland Place, a sharp right and
onto backbeach before crossing the Den and turning left onto the
Promenade.
At
this stage, as amazing as it sounds, Piddler was the front runner.
Beefy had checked the wrong way and Man-Pig and the Bird had ended up on
the wrong (seaward) side of the road. Inevitably, it wasn't long before
Beefy caught us up and the usual suspect FRB's began to pull away from
the pack.
All
along the promenade and up past the yacht club to start our ascent. For
the second time in just over two months, the marks took us up and up
and up East Cliff Walk. A short way up, a peculiar set of marks; one
arrow pointing up the hill, the other down the hill. We assumed that
this must be the return leg for the Shorts.
The
Longs continued up East Cliff walk; a little further up than we'd gone
on 2 November. Then an arrow took us left and along a narrow footpath
that I've never been on before. Unsurprisingly, this took us out onto
the Dawlish Road. Another arrow directed us across the road and then
left towards two shadowy figures....hashers? Not just hashers....Hares.
Piltdown directed us up Oak Hill Cross Road advising, "Turn sharp left
after three quarters of a mile".
Definitely
deja vu. This was another uphill climb onto Holcombe Down. It wasn't
long before tarmac gave way to a farm track. Additionally, it became
clear as to the reason for Piltdown's imparted wisdom.....NO MARKS! Not a
single one. They must have all been eaten. We ran past a stile at Lower
Holicombe Farm with a home-made "Private Land. No access" sign next to
it. I am sure that we've run over these stiles and across two fields in
the past.
Bluebird
reckons that if the stiles are still in place then it should still be a
public right of way.....maybe? Answers on a postcard please. Beefy was
well out of sight....and so was Bluebird. Yet again our Birdbrained
septuagenarian had opted for road shoes which was not the wisest of
choices on the slippery climb up to the top of Holcombe Down.
At
the top of the track there was a check. I decided to wait for the Bird
and hid behind an ex-MOD lorry. Just as Bluebird drew level with the
back of the lorry I jumped out to give him a scare.....how childish?
(Not needed at my time of life! BB)
At
almost the highest point on Holcombe down, we rejoined tarmac near
Woodlands Farm. Bluebird was delighted....tarmac, hmmmmmm, he could put
his road shoes to good use here. Our uphill travails were now rewarded
with a two mile downhill, all tarmac decent back to the Devon Arms. The
descent followed Woodway Road down to the A379/Dawlish Road.
Amazingly,
the marks had reappeared and some of them were quite new. Convinced
that we were doing a repeat of the Halloween trail, we carried on across
Dawlish Road. It looked as though we were still on trail as blobs of
flour had now given way to white chalk arrows.
It
was only upon arriving back at the Devon Arms that we noticed marks
leading from the Quay car park to the On-Down. We hadn't been on trail
since half way down Woodway Road.
Piltdown
did show us where we should have gone but I wasn't wearing my glasses.
My guess is that we missed a mark which would have taken us right and
along Haldon Avenue. This would have explained why the Bird had only
clocked-up 4.84 miles on a trail that was, "just over 5". Nevertheless,
it was good to have the Bird for company as I was never going to catch
up with Beefy.
And now, our new feature to keep y'all amused. I offer up for your edification and possible disapprobation:
THE TRAIL FILM REVIEW by the Bird
TRUE GRIT (1969)
We
Shirley got rollin' rollin' rollin' with the most welcome gritted cliff
path as we commenced our climb out of Teignmouth. Great traction for
mine Hoka pure bred road shoes, but it would be a short-lived luxury...
MUDBOUND (2017)
Piltdown
and SM Ellie waving the longs up into the boondocks with a cheerful
'Sharp left after three-quarters of a mile!' The sharp left took Man-Pig
and the Bird into a veritable skating rink of slick mud. The Hokas
struggled valiantly but were Shirley overwhelmed and gave up the ghost
(three hundred miles on the clock so they have served me well). Even
walking proved problematic and the heart rate was in the red at 150+.
Man-Pig scaring me to death by leaping out from behind a truck certainly
woke me up. I won't be forgetting that lane for some time..
RUNAWAY TRAIN (1985)
Meanwhile,
many minutes earlier, Beefy had breasted the muddy rise, passed the
military truck and had careered like a Runaway Train hard a starboard en
routey for Teignmouth golf course... long two mile detour sigh...
DOWNHILL RACER (1969)
Back
with the plodders and Oh Glory Be! Can it be So? (Cruise) Blessed Bird
beloved boulevard beckoned and, wait for it, a glorious Downhill Racer
back into town with both Man-Pig and the Bird in (So) cruise control.
THE DOWNDOWNS
Our
beer mugs Shirley overflowed as there were two physical awards on show
at the snug tavern. Strap-On had returned with the 'Is that my t-shirt
Bluebird?' stand-in Hashit shirt and Archangel had the Horse Head hat
unceremoniously stuffed in his back pocket .. neighhhh.
With
Forrest officiating, the hares were first up to be made an example of -
I mean to be recognized for their travails. Piltdown's birthday (yes,
on the day) did not go unnoticed and bravely did the hares swap sips of
the hallowed water of life.
Strap-On
blamed a detour from the short (again?) onto the quagmire long on
Pisswell who was duly awarded Forrest's slimline Old Guys Rule shirt.
Archangel
had a sad story to relate. Too long to describe but apparently Forrest
had been an 'unsociable git' for hiding when Archangel dropped by...
Shirley not Forrest? Horse Head hat homes in on its master yet again...
the toast was, more charitably - to 'absent friends'.
Two more halves to dispense and outrageously did Forrest ad lib.
Poor
Piddler was singled out for his signature moaning - this time about
Forrest's muttley allegedly doing his doggy-do's en route.
Finally,
SM Ellie lost out on the awarding of the final half - mainly because it
was recalled she had downed three previously from the same venue on her
virgin lay!
POSTSCRIPT
A score draw [sic] attained with Fukarwi making a special guest appearance in the pub and a good time was Shirley had by all.
After
three months of injury, a glimmer of hope tonight as I got round with
no twinges (but predictably hobbling the next day) and it was glorious
to be able to cautiously stride out once more on the long.
I
had wrongly assumed/hoped that the trail would have been mainly on road
as was the case the last time we were here. Whatamistakatomaka!
Never
mind, another memorable trail and thank goodness I followed Man-Pig on
our truncated version. I would not have survived Beefy's 7.21 miler!
The Deck Hand was great while it lasted but I can confirm that the Gun Dog was an excellent substitute.
Well done the hares and thanks to the pub for their hospitality.
ON ON to next week and the BIG 1900 HASH from the Cridford Inn at Trusham with Forrest.
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