PERFECT TEN (2019)

 

Run No. 1915 TVH3 The Words for 2nd May 2022

Circle-up from South Brent Railway Station Car Park

 

HARE: Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Man-Pig, Beefy, Shitfaced, Ernie, Rambo, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie.

 

The Circle

The Circle was, erm, well - small. Only ten souls arrived at South Brent (Primrose Junction) station car park for the May Bank Holiday hash. Bank holidays are always quite iffy to call in respect of numbers. Some people are on holiday, others have visitors staying and some have "looking after the children" commitments. 

 

The weather also didn't help; Sunday and Monday were more damp than raining. Shitfaced also commented on the distance. Historically, South Brent has never been out of area for Teign Valley Hash. We have had several hashes from here in the past, usually hared by Poacher. Other regular "far away" venues have, in the past, included Dunsford, Halwell, Drewsteignton, Exeter, Mortonhampstead and Chagford. So, South Brent is not so far really. 

 

However, 10 is not the lowest TVH3 turnout recorded on a bank holiday. I do recall a McWot trail about 17 years ago, in Kingskerswell. It was the August bank holiday. We had eight!*

Shitfaced announced that there were no announcements and then waited another ten minutes to see if anyone else would turn up. By 7.30 ,it was over to the Hare.

 

Man-Pig confirmed that there was a Walkers', Shorts' and Longs'. Approximate distances: 1.5 miles, 4.5 miles and 5.5 miles. There would be quite a few back checks. Some blank faces suggested that I might have reverted back to my native gaelic in my final sentence. The Pig clarified what a back check was and everyone seemed happy enough.

 

The Trail

The trail was simple. In basic terms we were going up the River Avon on its southwest side and returning back along its northeast side.

 

The Walkers would follow the trail up to Penstave Copse. Here they could go off-trail and follow any of the paths within this piece of woodland which is managed by the Woodland Trust. They would, eventually, always come back to the marked trail as there are only two ways in and out of the copse. They would then backtrack on the outward trail back to the car park......Simples!

 

The Shorts would carry on up to Didworthy and then follow the public footpath back to South Brent via Lutton.

 

The Longs would do the Shorts plus a two Long/Short splits. The first L/S split was at Binnamore Cross and took the Longs on a half mile loop up around Badworthy before rejoining the Shorts opposite the junction for Didworthy. 

 

The second Long/Short split had the Longs on another loop. Instead of heading straight into Didworthy, they looped up to Shipley Bridge and then back into Didworthy via the public footpath.....but only after having encountered another back check.

 

The Walkers comprised Piltdown Man, George Porgey and Smellie. Smellie was still recovering from a bad cold and was also having treatment for a tight tendon in her foot. Hence no running for at least a month. 1.5 miles seemed too short and 4.5 miles too long given her foot injury. We agreed on a happy medium. "Wander around the woods until you've covered 2.5 miles and then walk back to the pub. The woods are very pretty this time of year". And that is what Smellie did.

 

The Shorts had Big End, Well Hopped and Ned running it all. At the more relaxed end of the athletic spectrum Rambo and Shitfaced walked the entire Shorts trail and weren't even late for the pub!

Only Beefy and Ernie committed to both of the Longs and they were quite close together. It was good to see Beefy back after a two week absence due to covid and my apologies to Ernie as I missed him off last week's Words.

 

The Down-Downs

Back in the pub everyone commented on how nice the run was. It is the time of year that the bluebells are out in force on the moor; especially in woodland. Frankly, you could hardly move for bluebells. It was a very picturesque trail with three viewpoints marked en route. It was a shame that the weather wasn't a bit better - the views would have been even more stunning.

 

The pub cum cafe had opened especially for us. The owner, Richard, is an ex South Hams hasher. He had got a pin (36 pints) of Dartmoor Jail Ale in especially for us as the cafe doesn't usually do draught ale. Additionally, he had put on a Hash menu for us. A choice of vegetable chilli with rice and tacos or mild chicken curry with rice and pappadoms for £6 a head. The chilli was lovely and I think the curry went down well too.

 

Because Richard had gone out of his way for us, everyone returned to the On Down and virtually everyone ordered food - even if it was only to have as a takeaway. Richard wasn't at all disappointed that we only had ten hashers present and he made us very welcome. 

 

In fact, the low turnout meant that we could all join in a single conversation without splintering into smaller groups. It was all rather convivial.

 

After devouring the scoff, it was on to the Down-Downs. I hadn't dared be cheeky enough to ask the pub to sub us the Down-Down drinks so we paid for four halves of Jail Ale but, to whom should they go?

 

Beefy had the only physical award; the Baby Bat Hat award from three weeks ago. The contenders were Georgy Porgy as Chocco had a poo less than fifty yards after leaving the car park.

 

However, there then ensued a story about a hasher referring to the marks as having been laid in dust and not flour! Man-Pig then elaborated that Ernie had been quite right. The price of flour has shot up to a punitive 90p a bag. The Scotsman in Man-Pig took over the driving seat, "I'm nay paying that!", in a Private Fraser accent. "I know. I can use the dust in the vase on the mantlepiece. Well, more urn than vase".

 

And so it was that poor Rusty's ashes were employed for the good of the hash. This must mean a note for the dustman but, as we all know, dustmen are members of the National Union of Refuse Disposal Engineers - NURDE for short. Hence a note for the Nurde as Urnie sorry, Ernie took his Down-Down.

Second up was Shitfaced. He had a story to recount (or should that be recant?). Anyway, it concerned the sheer gall of a hasher who had the balls to go into print on Facebook and tell the world that he had been sucked-off on the hash. Some clarification, please?

 

Shitfaced elaborated that the lucky blighter was our very own Man-Pig. "Wot? Me? I hardly ever use Facebook!". More elaboration. The story actually originated from a Facebook post by Man-Pig referring to tics that had attached themselves at last week's Hash. As the old saying goes, "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story".

 

Beefy then led the "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy" song for Man-Pig's down-down.

There were two drinks left. Were there any more stories? There were none so the final Down-Downs went to the Hare and to Smellie for being the last back to the pub.

 

Despite the numbers, I think everyone enjoyed the trail and the views. The pub was incredibly welcoming and would be delighted to have us back. We must think of setting another trail from here in the future. Our thanks to Richard, the owner/landlord, for making us so welcome.

 

ADDENDUM

The Bank Holiday hash was originally Thomas Cooked under the heading: BB's Birthday Trail, but events conspired against me and I was unable to discharge my duty. Apparently, whilst reporting my cancellation to the pack, Man-Pig seemed to have 'volunteered' himself and subsequently planned an extravaganza like no other.

 

Beefy nearly persuaded me to come along - if only to do the walkers' trail - but I could not risk leaving the house that evening.

 

You can only try to imagine my disappointment for the valiant Man-Pig when I saw how few had turned out. However, when I scanned Beefy's FB images, I realised what a great trail we had missed out on. And MP is spot on when he stated that a small turnout can be just as good fun - remember that post Christmas trail from the Kings Arms?

 

I am really pleased that next week's edition is from the Nellie and, perhaps, all fingers tightly crossed, I can partly repay Man-Pig's favour.

 

ON ON, BB

 

* The all time 'record' low turnout for a TV hash was also to McWot and Vera on a Bank Holiday Monday. Only one hasher appeared and McWot and Vera drove the hasher (the identity unknown) around part of the trail before adjourning to the pub.

 

Next week

Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell with Hare, Shitfaced (and friends!).

 

On-On to next week, MP