YELLOW HAMMER, SAUSAGES & GREBES. OH MY!

TVH3 The Words for 6th June 2022 - The Horseshoe Centre, Heathfield - Run No. 1920

HARES: Beefy and Pisswell

 

Who wuz there: Beefy, Pisswell, Shitfaced, Soapy, Melonpicker, Man-Pig, Forrest-Stump, Hotlips, Zoot, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Manopause, Wet-Johnny, Able Semen, Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Piddler, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Wetfart, Teapot, Bobbiball.

 

The Circle

We circled up in new territory - The Horseshoe Centre, Heathfield. This used to be a tiny village primary school and Forrest was delighted to tell us that he was one of their former alumni.

Shitfaced, having recovered from his excellent method acting of Captain Jack Sparrow, advised that the On-Down was The Star at Liverton. The food was sausage and chips at a heady £6.80 a head.

Man-Pig asked for a volunteer to do the Words. Piddler volunteered Smellie whilst Smellie was still tying up her shoelaces! 

 

Beefy introduced the trail. Marks were always on the right - except where they had been gone over by a lawnmower. Longs were about 5 miles. Longs and Shorts less!

 

The Trail - by S M Ellie

Arriving a bit flustered at the circle somewhere Newton Abbotish (?) I managed to inadvertently volunteer for the words while putting on my shoe. Damn! 

 

Announcements were made. Sorry, little recollection. I do, however, recall there being confusion about what’s medium? A balti and 175ml glass of Sauvignon Blanc. On a similar note, Beefy said there would be yellowhammers on the trail. Oh goody, I thought! 

 

Off we set into beautiful countryside. The FRB’s shot off! Given the current foot rehab status, I soon fell behind. Hey ho! That didn't last long. I was soon joined by Piddler, who was following up my rear [Shirley sic] and it was noted he had stopped moaning for the first time that evening. 

 

The trail was well marked and it was a lovely evening. Nobody to disturb my peace...

 

As the trail progressed, it seemed that the rather lovely Long's were rather short. Clocking only 3 miles, we passed the On Home marker. Damn again! 

 

As my rehab feet were faring ok, I wanted more. 

 

I had a cunning plan! Why not run the walkers trail? Well as it turns out... That was the plan. Anyhow. Funny that! All was well except somehow, we managed to do it backwards? 

 

Arriving in some woods, I heard mention of Yellowhammer. Yay! A Beer Stop! I was rather bemused by being told to listen. ‘It sounds like milk and bread’ Beefy exclaimed enthusiastically. No! Not Beer? It appeared the yellowhammer was of the feathered variety! Damn.

 

As we passed Georgie P, Piltdown. Soapy, Melon Picker, Zoot and Hot Lips and most of the Walking Crew, they all informed us: ‘You’re going the wrong way!’ Oh, the shame! Well, anyone foolish enough to follow me deserves it! 

 

Trekking along a stunning riverbank, I heard a voice from above in the trees. ‘Look Grebes!' How did Coldtitz do that? And what are Grebes? Sounds like an STD?!

 

Further along the river, there was a photo opportunity to be had. Pisswell joined us, making Piddler the thorn between the roses. (You’re welcome!) 

 

We continued backwards on trail to the On Home.

Joining Piltdown and Georgie P In the car, we made bets on the final score. We caught the results. Boris remains in da House. Politics over and time for a beer at the Star.

 

Talk at the table of the hash descending on a beer festival. One for Wet Jonny! Then the expensive sausage debacle. We were instructed to eat up to help out. Money in the pot. Threesome would have a turn! 

 

The Down Downs

Able Seaman awarded the hare the birthday hat for the stunning trail that was enjoyed by all.

Soapy ran out of options after her first choice had already gone home. Finding Beefy taken, she opted for Teapot though I don’t recall his misdemeanour. However, the down down receptacle nearly found an alternative use as a barf bucket. 

 

I am happy to report that Teapot recovered himself well. Piddler was awarded a 500 badge and almost a double down down for being distracted on the trail.

S. M.Ellie was called up to help. (As the Word mistress I can be economical with the truth!) I can also report 'beaten by a woman' was chanted! 

 

The final award, now known as the Checking chicken hat, Wet Fart awarded to Piltdown man for his navigation skills during the perilous journey from Teignmouth. He gallantly delivered Georgie, myself and Choca safely to the hash. 

 

So endeth the account, as much as I can recall. Many thanks to the Hare for a beautiful and memorable trail. A great time was had by all!

 S.M. Ellie

 

The Down-Downs - backup notes by MP

 Forrest-Stump presiding:

 

1st Down-Down: Able Semen gives the first award to Beefy for a lovely trail on virgin ground and with wonderful vistas and wildlife.

 

2nd Down-Down: Wetfart gives the Hashshit shirt to Teapot - can't remember why. Hopefully, Smellie will remember. (Oh no she didn't!)

 

3rd Down-Down: Beefy has the Horned hat to give away. I simply wasn't paying attention. I can't remember who had it. Amnesia has set in....or is it dementia?

 

4th Down-Down: There is a 500-run badge to award. This goes to Piddler. He didn't even want a whole half-pint so he wanted to share it with Smellie; something about Smellie's rear. Anyway, there was a spare beer so they ended up downing a half each.

 

5th Down-Down: Finally there was a half-pint of water. I can't remember who had it or for what. It may have been awarded to Beefy for a bit of a cock-up regarding the food. Apparently Beefy had advised the pub that they might expect to have up to 15 hashers wanting to eat. The pub had interpreted that as a confirmed order for 15 sausage and chips at £6.80/head! 

 

The upshot of all this was that Beefy initially paid for all the sausage and chips as we didn't want to risk alienating the pub and blacklisting TVH3 (this hasn't happened since the episode with Mavis and his exposed undercarriage at the Cleave at Lustleigh). 

 

The sausage and chips were brought out on trays in any event after the Down-Downs. Teapot partially explained what had happened and suggested that we simply put some money in the pot to contribute towards the food - which they did, generously. 

 

The shortfall should be made up from hash funds as it was a genuine misunderstanding. 

 

These things do happen to even the most experienced hashers as both MP and BB know only too well!

I forgot that one of the awards was to Piltdown Man for not reading the traffic report. There was an accident on the Teignmouth/Wear barton road which caused Piltdown, Georgie and Smellie almost to miss the Circle. I think Beefy made this award and it made to a chorus of, "Here's to the misguided one etc....."

 

Next week

The Ness car park, Shaldon with the On-Down at the Ferry Boat Inn. Hares are Well Hopped and Swinger.

 

It's time to say goodbye from SM Ellie and goodbye from MP.

 

ON ON to next week!