TVH3 The Words for 10th April 2023

The Highweek Inn, Newton Abbot

 

Run. No. 1964

 

HARES: Ernie & Strap-On avec family members

 

 

Who wuz there: Ernie, Strap-On, Forrest Stump, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Hotlips, Zoot, Soapy, Melonpicker, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Big End, Well Hopped, Triple Jump, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me, Strap-Dancer, Bluebird, Wet Johnny, Erection, Piddler, U-Bend, Cold Tits, Fallen Woman (no Broken Man - he was supping ale with Trucker at the Cridford Inn), Rise 'n' Shine, Mateus Rose & (almost virgin) Nine inches!

 

Circle

An unusually busy Easter Monday saw us welcome thirty one hashers and numerous family members of the Hares who were assisting on the sweetie stop. Announcements were brief. Shitfaced had a message from Satnav regarding Teapot. Sadly, his wife, Leslie, was in hospital after suffering a stroke. This would, understandably, result in a further delay before Teapot can rejoin us.

 

Zoot had posted a newspaper article on the TVH3 Facebook page regarding Winfield's and Hovel Annie's 60th wedding anniversary. What an achievement. Well done!

 

Next week's hares also wanted an early indication of numbers wanting a pint and a pie at £5.50 a head. Hungry hashers raised their hands. Piltdown did not raise his hand as high as others and looked more reminiscent of a Hitler Youth salute.

 

The Hares promised us great things. A Walkers' Trail of about 2.5 miles. A Shorts' of circa 4 and the Longs' would be 6'ish (hmmmm.....more about the "ish" bit later). Marks could be on either the left or the right....that's useful! Far more importantly, there would be not be one but two searches for mini-Easter eggs plus the all important sweetie stop. Finally, more hands up for bubble and squeak in the pub.

 

Well, not quite finally. Pork Torpedo arrived late and nearly repeated his parking faux pas from last week. At least this week he could get out even if Horny had to navigate beer kegs in order make it into the circle. Bluebird arrived even later and proceeded to park in a non-existent parking space which prevented circular access and egress from the pub car park. How selfish?

 

Trail

The trail proved to be a counter cyclical lay with the outward Walkers' and Shorts' trail also being the return of the Longs' trail (hence the marks on both the left and right). The Longs' included a monster loop up and down the banks of the River Teign with Beefy clocking up an incredible 8.37 miles on his epic reverse walk on the Longs.

 

The first check was within 200 yards of the pub. The Shorts' and Walkers' went down Whitehill Road while the Longs' carried on along Exeter Road to Highweek church and then diverted onto the footpath below the church and back towards Pithill Road. Left down Pithill Road and left again along a narrow fenced footpath path that runs behind Coombeshead College and exits near Knowles Hill roundabout. 

 

Almost inevitably, Beeflicker was in front with Man-Pig chasing. A missed arrow at the roundabout at the top end of Jetty Marsh Road relegated the Pig to the back of the Longs' whilst Wet-Johnny, Big End, Well Hopped, Forrest Stump and Pisswell continued to chase Beeflicker.

 

The trail went left and followed the cyclepath next to the Stover canal towards Teigngrace. Halfway along this length of pathway, the pack had ground to a halt. It was the first of the Easter Egg hunts. Forrest immediately found two eggs and I think everyone else left empty handed. Determined to get my daily chocolate fix, I hunted, in vain, for the elusive eggs. Again the pack got some 400 yards in front of me and I would not see them again till the sweetie stop.

 

The SS was well manned with Ernie's daughter and grand-daughter as well as Strap-On, Strap-Dancer and Ernie himself. Some of the Shorts were still there, some had yet to arrive. Chocolate mini Easter eggs - lovely. The FRB's had already embarked on the Longs' just before I arrived at the sweetie stop.

 

For the third time, I was some 400 yards in arrears. Little did I know then that this would be the last time I'd see them in the next four miles! Pisswell and the Pig left the SS simultaneously and followed the cycle path north to just before Teigngrace. Here I noticed Wet-Johnny on a reverse trail (this proved to be the Walkers' and Shorts' outward trail) whilst Forrest SCB'd by sneaking across the canal and railway at Teigngrace station. 

 

The Longs' trail was marked east and across two fields and then downstream following the meandering Teign. Apparently, all FRB's assumed (incorrectly as it turned out) that we would join the Exeter Road, turn right and backtrack along the outward trail. BONG! WRONG!

 

Perplexingly, as I got nearer to the Exeter Road, I could hear the FRB's calling. However, they sounded as though they were to the left of me and on the other side of the Teign. Shirley not. The next crossing point is a mile back up the way we had just run but on the east bank. Sure enough, I got to the Exeter Road (close to where we usually park) only to find an arrow....LEFT!? 

 

Over the new pedestrian bridge we coursed and left again onto the upstream riverbank path. Pisswell was some 600 yards behind so I kept calling to give her some (dis) encouragement. This was going to be longer than the 6'ish miles I thought - although I had not brought my Garmin with me and I hadn't turned on Strava on the phone either.

 

Eventually, after slipping and sliding my way upstream, I got to the first bridge. Thankfully, an arrow confirmed this as the correct crossing point. I had expected to catch glimpse of the FRB's once I was on the west bank - but nothing. Then, in the distance, a yellow hi-vis. I was catching them up. Or was I? It soon dawned on me that this hi-vis was coming towards me. "Lost trail?" I thought. No. It was Beefy who was walking the Longs trail but in reverse. He was also looking for Pisswell who was probably some 800 yards behind at this point. The marks were good though. There shouldn't have been much chance of anyone getting lost. But, you can never tell with Hashers. A brief exchange of pleasantries, including Beefy's doubts as to whether he'd be back in time for the Down-Downs, and we both went on our merry ways.

 

As expected, the trail followed the Teign before crossing three fields, passing the basin on the Stover Canal and rejoining tarmac at Ventiford Lodge. Arrows then had us on road for the rest of the trail. The road between Ventiford Lodge and the Exeter Road is a very minor road. There is only Hope Farm, Teigngrace and the caravan park at Twelve Oaks Farm along its route. Nevertheless, four or five cars passed in the space of a mile.

 

The marks began to get a little confusing. They were on both the left and the right and, from Teigngrace onwards, most marks on the right were arrows with a big "L" below them. This was where the Longs were running against the Shorts' outward trail. 

 

By the time that we'd hit the Exeter Road for the third (strictly fourth) time, I'd caught up with Beeflicker, Big End and Well Hopped who had run out of marks. "Go right", it's the shortest route back to the pub". Sure enough, we found marks. The trail finished by climbing up Whitehill Road which took us almost back to the pub.

 

Six'ish miles! Well, I ask you?

 

Down-Downs

Forrest was RA for the evening. He commenced by thanking the pub for the beer. He then asked what we all thought of the trail? "A great sweetie stop!"

 

Man-Pig was the first up to give away his award from last week. There were a number of potential candidates. Smellie for planning to travel back from her holidays in Prague on a bank holiday Monday when there were no trains running. She was stuck in Dover. Two SCB contenders comprising Forrest and Wet-Johnny. But the winner, by a mile (or should that be fathom?), was Pork Torpedo who had fallen in the river, albeit, not today but some twenty years past. It made no difference as PT had to sing his own Down-Down song. It was something about a magic lantern that wasn't very magic. Well, what do you expect if you buy something from a Hasher?

 

Next up was Slip-on-Me who had the Turkish wedding hat. This was awarded to Beeflicker who had left some underwear in Slip-on-Me's car. Raised eyebrows all round. Even more eyebrow raising was to come. This was not even male underwear. It was a pair of girlie socks! Pork Torpedo carried on with the story of the dodgy magic lamp. Something to do with the Sultan's camel and a secret hidey-hole.

 

Bluebird had the Jester's Hat but no story as he hadn't seen a soul on his truncated walking trail. Hence he deferred to Forrest to make up a story on his behalf. 

 

Forrest recounted the story of the dizzying heights that some Hashers will go to in the pursuit of personal grooming post trail. This particular hasher had moved the front passenger seat as far forward as it would go and then climbed in the back of their car to get changed. How bashful. This must be a Harriet. The hasher rubbed themselves down very thoroughly with a soft pink towel....definitely a Harriet....and then proceeded to apply various fragrances to various body parts. Antiperspirant for pits. Hairspay and just a hint of perfume for the pub. This must be a young Harriet looking for a mate....it is spring after all. Some 40 minutes later the culprit emerged from their car, smelling of roses and looking like.....errr, well, an elderly gentleman.

 

The guilty party.....Piddler! Songmeister PT immediately came up with, "Old McDonald had tourettes".

 

One last lonely half looking for a tummy. There were two hares and at least four helpers at the sweetie stop. Who should have the beer? Eventually, Ernie managed to foist it onto a reluctant Strap-On as co-hare.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Red Rock Brewery, Humber. Our Hares for the evening are Big End and Well Hopped. Don't forget to get your orders in for a pie and a pint asap.

 

On-On to next week, MP.