TVH3 The Words for 1st April 2024

The King William IV, Totnes

Run No. 2014

 

April Fools' Hash

 

HARE: S.M.Ellie

 

 

 

Who wuz there: Smellie, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Forrest-Stump, Beefy, Pisswell, Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Piddler, Slip-on-Me and a drive -by guest appearance by Poacher.

 

Circle

Bank holidays are a hit and miss affair. At one end of the spectrum Hashers have family and friends staying who are then press ganged into attending the Monday evening Hash. 

 

At the other end of the spectrum, Hashers are either away themselves or waiting hand on foot upon their visitors. 

 

Hence numbers can be either very high or very low. Alas, for poor Smellie, it was the latter. 

 

It must be said that the weather didn't help much either. The Easter weekend was pretty much a washout and Monday had been showers on and off all day. Thus numbers were down to a paltry ten. 

 

Nevertheless, this was a 'perfect 10' made up of quality Hashers and Harriets, most of whom had entered into the spirit of the April Fool theme. Namely, wear something silly.

 

Now some Hashers' attire were sillier than others. The Hare was adorned in a head to toe Fool's outfit complete with three pronged Jester's hat and a harlequin black and red onesie; Man-Pig, clearly believing that the weather was going to get even wetter, was wearing an ABLJ (adjustable buoyancy life jacket) from some old diving gear; Beefy thought that long white socks and Jesus' sandals were just the job for tackling a bit of shiggy - also, if you looked very hard, he had shaved off one half of his beard; Squeaky Bum was wearing a coat of many colours with matching skirt and earrings; Beeflicker, I think, was wearing part of his Ninja Mutant Turtle outfit; Pisswell wore a floral dress but had mislaid her whip so made do with a twig instead: Slip-on-Me was adorned with perfect circular red rose cheeks and Shitfaced maintained that he was in fancy dress but I am not convinced that he was.

 

As numbers were so low, we waited till after 7.30 before commencing the Circle. Regrettably no Hashers were running late so our numbers remained at ten. Poacher drove by, stopped, blocked the road, and then disappeared never to be seen again.

 

Hence, over to the Hare. Before describing the trail, there was a plea from Smellie. A Hare is needed for 15th April. Forrest tentatively volunteered. 

 

So, what about the trail? Smellie advised that there were Walkers', Shorts' and Longs' trails of circa 2, 3 and 6 miles. There was one Long/Short split and the Longs might find themselves in Alice and Wonderland. As the trail had been laid single handedly, it would be "One and On".

 

Just before the off, another plea, this time from Piddler. If anyone has surplus newspapers or cardboard boxes could he please have them? Him and Going Down are going to Spain and need to get packing!

 

Trail

The mention of Alice in Wonderland had some of the Pack speculating that we might be going to Dartibgton Hall where there was a surreal light show taking place.

 

The trail commenced by taking us down Fore Street and right along Ticklemore Street. Then we lost the trail. A few minutes were lost whilst we searched in vain for a single grain of flour. 

 

Then a call from an unexpected direction. Piddler had located a mark that took us onto the Plains and towards Bridgetown. A check on the bridge and the trail then took us down and onto the banks of the Dart heading upriver. The rain had stopped and both Beefy and Man-Pig had to stop to remove some layers. 

 

The trail continued upstream and then another stop. Not as a result of a lost trail but to have a look at the new(ish) archimedes twin screw device that was pumping water into the Dart. It all looked rather clever.

 

Turning right at Dartington Lane, we came to the Long/Short split. Beeflicker and Beefy would have been well ahead as, indeed, were Piddler and Pisswell, Man-Pig and Forrest-Stump were now the laggards. Pisswell and Man-Pig went Long and up to Dartington Hall. Forrest elected for the Short along the leat towards the cider press.

 

It was dark now and torches were needed. The marks were quite good. At the arch that leads to the Great Hall, we had a quick nosey at the light show but only ventured as far as the White Hart.

 

After our little jolly, it was up Dartington Lane and then a loop around the north edge of the Hall before an arrow had us cross the road and follow the footpath down past the Foxhole Centre. 

 

The path then enters into an open field and arcs for about 150 yards before entering woodland and a drop down to the water wheel at the cider press. There had been no marks since leaving tarmac but now it was clear that we had rejoined the Shorts.

 

A new mark greeted us just before we crossed the main road at Shinners Bridge - a square shape in flour with a solid square inside it. Perplexing - but it was probably intended to be a "Danger - main road ahead" sign. 

 

We crossed at the traffic light controlled pedestrian crossing and almost immediately came across an arrow directing us up Cott Road. The marks here zigzagged from the left and to the right of the road. The blobs of flour varied from small to enormous. Apparently, Smellie's bag was getting wet and falling apart. A check near the Cott pub had not been kicked out but the trail continued dead ahead and up Barracks Hill.

 

At Longcause, a public footpath to our left warranted checking out even though there was no check. A fruitless 3 minutes was spent looking for the elusive flour. It had also started to rain again. Had the marks been washed out? Some marks had been barely visible on The Plains however, all the marks coming up Cott Road were still clearly visible....including the blobs that must have used a quarter of a bag of flour each! 

 

Dropping down Barrack Hill, my torchlight scanned both sides of the road but the marks had disappeared. On the left, there is what appears to be a tarmac entrance drive but no house was visible. i have driven past it several times and wondered where it led? Curiosity got the better of me, so I crossed the road for a closer look. "Whoohay" - an arrow. Well done Smellie. Wherever this leads its virgin territory for me. 

 

An archway in an ancient stone wall led to a small wooded area. No marks and it looked like a dead end. 

 

Carrying on along the track, tarmac gave way to crunchy gravel. We ran past some houses and then arrived at the Kennicott Centre. We were in Kevics. I have never been here before. A mark, then no marks. 

 

I continued downhill knowing that the Ashburton Road would not be far ahead. After a couple of wrong turns, I was back on the main road near the police station. A straight run back to the pub was in order. Sure enough, there were marks and I made my way up Station Road and back to the pub.

 

Back at the On-Down only Slip-on-Me and Squeaky Bum were present.

 

"Where are the others?"

"We haven't seen them. You are first back".

 

I didn't think that I was off trail at any point but it did cross my mind that I hadn't found the promised drinks stop either. Nor had anyone else as it transpired.

 

Eventually, everyone made it back to the pub. Apart from Piddler who had gone home to start packing for Spain. But it transpired that everyone had been on trail for most of the time. The only thing that we all had in common was that we had missed the drinks stop that was being manned by Smellie and Shitfaced. 

 

All of us had missed an arrow that would have taken us across the road and into the station. All those shots and no takers. What to do? Take them into the pub for a bit of aprez trail!

 

Down-Downs

As numbers were so low, Smellie suggested that we forgo the Down Downs this week. Forrest and I agreed. It would have been perceived as a bit rich of us to ask Rob, the landlord, for 4 halves when only nine of us had pitched up in the pub. 

 

Nevertheless, who was the best contender for April Fool? Man-Pig had the best dress but Beefy's choice of footwear had resulted in him ending up on his back whilst traversing a muddy field. He was filthy but at least he had a soft landing. 

 

However, and without a shadow of a doubt, the winner of Hash April Fool 2024 must go to Smellie. This is for organising a drink stop with no takers!

 

Down-Down substitute

In the absence of Down-Downs, Slip-on-Me had provided her own version of Jeux-sans-Frontiers. She had got a puncture in her Landrover. 

 

The wheeljack was just a fraction too short to raise the flat off the ground. Post pub, Beeflicker, Man-Pig and Slip-on-Me returned to the marooned vehicle. Some ingenuity in the form of a diver's weight belt and Beeflicker's inch perfect reversing (with the jack still under the car!) created just enough clearance to change the wheel. All sorted, but probably not in compliance with any guidance from the HSE.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Two Mile Oak, strangely enough 2 miles from Newton Abbot on the Totnes Road. Our Hare is Piddler. Bring a newspaper or a cardboard box! We are also advised that Broken Man should be joining us.

 

On-On to next week. MP