WIND, RAIN, OUT OF TUNAS & CHEWING GUM FUNGUS

TVH3 The Words for 29th April 2024

The Union Inn, Plainmoor, Torquay

 

Run No. 2018

 

Apparently not Bluebird's birthday run

 

HARES: Bluebird & Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Bluebird, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Beefy, Forrest-Stump, Perry, Big End, Well Hopped, Rodger the Dodger, Miss Inn, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Shay, Warmfront, Psycho, Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Fukarewe, Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Archangel, Only Here for the Beer, Wet Johnny, Wetfart, Piddler, Squashed balls, Twin Buffers, Threesum, Pollyfella, Base Camp, and returnees Satnav and Smash (not Grab!).

 

Circle

A rather dishevelled Hare arrives five minutes late at the Circle. Is the co-hare here? No. He must be at home looking after Mum.

 

A goodly number have turned up for the run...or is it out of curiosity to try out the new pub? There are no announcements from Shitfaced. Once Smellie has returned from powdering her nose, she announces that Hares are required from late May onwards.

 

So it is over to the Hares, or Hare as it turns out.

 

Man-Pig explains that the trail is laid in both pink chalk and in flour. Essentially the first half of the trail will be predominantly in chalk when on tarmac. The latter part of the trail is mainly off road and is laid in flour. There is a single Long/Short split and there is also a Walkers' trail. For the Walkers, when you come to the Walkers/Long & Short split, they will be following an unmarked, line-of-sight trail back towards the floodlights of The Seagulls.

 

The Pig takes a short pause from his description of the trail. Beefy is gesticulating. In fact he is pointing at a new pair of trainers being sported by Shay. 

 

In traditional Hash fashion, the new trainers are given a liberal dusting of flour....far too liberal, in fact. The Pig turns round to continue his brief of the trail. Whatamistakatomaka. The next thing is that there is a huge amount of flour being stuffed down the back of the Pig's shirt. Oh well, he was rather asking for it!

 

Trail

The Pig did not explain that the first part of the trail would be laid in checks at almost every road intersection. He also failed to mention that there were no false trails marked in the early part of the trail. Hence, the trail is, effectively, one-and-on. Nevertheless, this did seem to keep the pack together and no-one got off trail - well, at least up until Babbacombe Downs.

 

The trail took us up St Paul's Road and past Torquay United's ground. It then continued pretty much in a straight line along a south easterly bearing; we ran along St Paul's Crescent - check, Westlands - check, Windsor Road - two checks and a back check. 

 

The pack soon picked up the trail down a small wooded footpath opposite the end of Quinta Road This looped around a wooded area that was virgin territory for all of us - despite the Bird having assured me that we'd done it over 20 years ago.

 

The loop took us up, round and back onto the top of Windsor Road and the Walkers/Long & Shorts split.

 

The Walkers would have an easy trot back to the pub as they'd be backtracking on the outbound trail whence they came. However, this assumed that they would walk straight through the back check.

For the Longs and the Shorts, the virgin territory continued as they now found themselves on a long, long footpath that ran behind a bank of houses on Lydwell Road. This path ended at Perrinvale Road. The trail then ran southeast along Babbacombe Road for about 50 yards before crossing to the Downs side of the main road and the solitary Long/Short split.

 

The Shorts went straight onto Walls Hill....and promptly got lost. It was daylight and the trail simply followed the edge of the Downs along the Southwest Coast path down to the Carey Arms. 

 

However, it had been jolly windy all day. A lot of the marks had simply blown away in the wind. 

 

Nonetheless, everyone got back on trail and it did allow the Shorts and the Longs to reunite on the Downs and take in the couple of View Points for which the marks remained relatively intact.

 

The Longs were blessed with a simple loop down Ansteys Cove Road and then back onto walls Hill via the Southwest Coast path but, this time, on a northwesterly bearing.

 

The sweeping hare caught up with Coldtits who was, unintentionally, tail ending the Longs. We didn't find any lost souls and continued a leisurely trail past the Carey Arms, along to Oddicombe Beech passing a couple of kicked out checks and another viewpoint. This time at a waterfall which Beefy photographed. 

 

It was then a clamber up the footpath parallel to the Cliff Railway and up to Babacombe Downs Road. Arrows took us right and along Babbacombe Downs Road, across Babbacombe Road, then along York Road and York Crescent and a short footpath to Palermo Road. The dots lead us into and out of Carey Park and thence the "OH" mark at the junction of Carey park Avenue and St Marychurch Road. It was 8.50. Good timing.

 

Down-Downs

Back in the Union Inn, the pub did us proud. It does not usually do food but the landlord Dave had put on a decent spread of sarnies and nibbles. We were made to feel very welcome on our first visit. thankyou.

 

Forrest-Stump assumed RA'ing duties to the accompaniment of the Out of Tunas. There is some discussion as to who was the Hare with the Pig and the Bird pointing at each other like a pair of tell-tale-tit primary schoolboys.....which probably accurately reflects their combined mental ages. 

 

Forrest has a choice of Dumb or Dumber to which to award a half pint of Courage Ale. Bluebird is confirmed as being dumber than Man-Pig and so gets to have a Down-Down.

 

Next we have Smellie who has remembered to bring along the tittie apron.....complete with punctured/deformed boob. this she awards to Wetfart for parking misdemeanours. You didn't park in Lidl's car park did you?

 

Last week's hare, Beefy, has the Union Jack stove pipe hat. This he awards to one half of the Topiary Twins, Warmfront. This is for insisting that she, and her FRB'ing co-conspirator, get photographed in front of the Babbacombe Cliff Railway winding house.....but why?

 

Fukarewe has also remembered to bring his award to the pub; the Hashshit shirt. Unfortunately, Fukarewe has to leave the pub early so he leaves the Hashshit shirt in the safe hands of Piltown.

This is awarded to Shay for numerous Hash crimes. Namely: running with SH4 and stating that South Hams Hash is better than Teign Valley (WHAT?!). Additionally, flour abuse of the RA. This is quickly followed by a naming. He wants to become a carpenter so various shouts from the floor including: Woodworm, Hardwood and Squashed Ball's contribution - Woodcock.

 

"The Woodcock has it. The Woodcock has it".

 

A rather reluctant Shay is duly anointed by the RA under the powers conferred to him by the Great Hash God.

 

"From this moment hence thou shalt be known as Woodcock".

 

Finally, a quick thank you to the Hash for paying for the Down-Downs and then another rendition from the Out of Tunas.

 

The pub had looked after us well so we all thanked the Landlord and Landlady as we left in dribs and drabs. Another Monday concluded but what will next week have in store?

 

Last word from the Bird

I really wasn't sure about this one. Somehow the Hare Raiser managed to manouevre us into this double booking as I couldn't decide on the date for my Birthday Hash - mid-week as it was.

 

The main problem was my commitments at home, I had a horrible feeling that the time was nigh.

Dear Man-Pig was on emergency standby (yet again) but I was most concerned that he would be by himself for the trail lays.

 

There was a slim two hour window for me to get out and we met up at 2 pm outside the Union. Up to then, it was dry and I had grandly declared that chalk would definitely be fine for the tarmac. Sigh.

 

All was going well until I emerged on Walls Hill laying the short whilst MP was laying the long down by Ansteys. The wind really picked up and horror of horrors, it began to rain - oh have mercy, Sir Percy. Unfortunately, at this point, a stern voice was heard from above: 'Come in, Bluebird, your time is up...'

 

After a fuel transfer (flour you fools), I bade the valiant Man-Pig a tearful goodbye as he disappeared in the wind and rain down to Babbacombe beach while I scampered back to the Union across the downs.

All chores completed, I was set fair to depart when both of my tomcats escaped through the catflap - oh bu**er! I spent nearly half an hour trying to get them back in but in the end had to give up.

 

By the time I got to the Union, the hash had gone so I adjourned to the bar just as the massed ranks of the Out of Tunas arrived to wish me down the well on Part one of my Birthday trilogy.

 

Old and senile that I am, I barely recall the following two hours. I had a wonderful time with all my dear friends of the hash and the Tunas on this, my last Big Birthday hash (Part one!)

 

Thank you. Man-Pig and the Out of Tunas.

 

Birdscript

By the way, did any of you spot the strange white fungus on a tree just after entering the first wood section? Man-Pig and I were intrigued. As I reached out and touched it, MP exclaimed: 'It's chewing gum!' Scores of spent gum pressed into the tree over many months. Whatamistakatomaka and, oh yuk!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from Maidencombe car park - just past the Thatched Tavern. Regrettably, and for the first time in over 60 years, the Thatched Tavern is not opening on a bank Holiday Monday. Accordingly, our Hare, Bluebird (it's his real birthday Hash trail) may be arranging a BBQ at Bell (End) Rock (or perhaps on Maidencombe beach). This is about 400 yards along the Southwest Coast Path towards Torquay. The trail will be marked. It will be a BYOB & BYO scoff! What can possible go wrong.....apart from the weather?

 

On-On to next week. MP