THE DIRTY DOZEN

TVH3 The Words for 8th December 2025

The King Bill, Totnes

Run No. 2106 

 

THE DIRTY DOZEN

starring Wet Johnny

as Major John Reisman

 

HARE: Wet - in fact very Wet Johnny

 

 

Who wuz there: Wet Johnny, Man-Pig, Beefy, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Coldtits, Beeflicker, Psycho, Miss Mash, Smash and long term absentee & new grandad - Fukarewe

 

Circle

Wet, and I mean a very wet, Johnny rounded us up for the pre-run instructions. He stepped up to the mark and matched the Gold Standard for perseverance in the face of adversity as set by last week's Hares, Roger the Dodger and Well Hopped. Despite the weather, there were, indeed, three trails. Although the marks may well have been making their way down the Dart estuary at the present time.

This would mean 2 Hashers on each trail as there was a paucity of wet, anxious faces looking back at him. A mere half dozen. Piltdown said, "Let's give it another couple of minutes". This was just as well as first an incoming via Whatsapp from Smellie, "Train running late. I will miss the Circle". Then, returnee, Fukarewe pitches up followed by Man-Pig. Soon thereafter, Psycho makes an appearance (well, that's one of tonight's DD's accounted for) followed by Coldtits. Hence the dirty dozen.

 

Announcements

Surprisingly, Psycho announces that Warmfront isn't coming as it's too wet....TOO WET for she of the fastest female on the Grizzly. What sort of a wuss is she turning into? I think that one of next week's DD's has also been accounted for.

By the magic of Whatsapp, Smellie passes a message to the Circle requiring Hares for January. Finally, Man-Pig is just about to ask for a volunteer for The Words. But he is stopped before he can even start. A "volunteer" has already been assigned. It is the Pig - for being late at the Circle. Drat and double-drat.

 

Trail

So where will our star Hare take us on this wet and windy evening? Virgin territory; that's where.

The trail starts by taking the pack down Station Road to Sainsbury's filling station where there is a Walkers/Long & Shorts split. The former head towards Brutus Bridge the latter across the road.

The Longs embark on a loop of footpaths; initially along Borough Park Road and then a series of footpaths towards Totnes railway station and thence onto a check on the river bank footpath. The Pig checks upstream only to find a cross. Meanwhile the FRB's, Beeflicker, Beefy and Psycho steal a small lead on Fukarewe and Man-Pig.

 

The trail now takes us off the river bank and over Brutus Bridge before an arrow has us crossing the main road and onto virgin territory in the form of Bourton Road. Here we catch up with Coldtits (the only other Hasher we were due to encounter on tonight's mildly damp trail). Another arrow and we were directed right and up Jubilee Road (Nicki Court - oh where are you now?). Yet another arrow and it was straight across Bridge Town Hill and onto Blackpost Lane. We were now back on familiar territory but running clockwise....previous excursions have always been anti-clockwise.

 

Despite the weather, the marks were still intact and the trail easy to follow. Fukarewe was running well after his prolonged absence and, due to a couple of checks, it wasn't long before we caught up with the FRB's. A right turn along Weston Lane and then left down Home Reach Avenue and Camomile Lawn before the "Snakes and Ladders" style descent to the sweetie stop at the crime scene at the end of Steamer Quay. Beeflicker went over to investigate but little information was divulged by CSI officers; merely that it was "serious", Police speak for "Bugger off". Apparently, a car had crashed into a hedge at the far end of Steamer Quay car park...at speed.

 

With no further information to be gleaned, Beeflicker returned to the "It's a Knockout" competition taking place between the FRB's and the Hare. The name of the game was, "Open the packets of sweets". As try as we might, wet hands just weren't gaining traction. We pulled. We tugged. We chewed. We bit. At last Psycho got into a bag just before Beeflicker made a micro-hole in his bag. Then, for no apparent reason, we all started feeding sweets to each other - popping them in each others' mouths; Romantic or just plain odd?

 

Post sweetie stop, the trail took us along Steamer Quay and Steamer Quay Road, over Totnes Bridge, left along The Plains and to a W & L/S split near the Victoria Road car park. The temptation of an early Legend was too much for Fukarewe who parted company with the Pig and returned to his car.

With hindsight, I should have followed him. A couple of hundred yards later I caught up with the FRB's at at the bottom of Moat Hill. Beeflicker found the trail leading to the final L/S split at the junction of Moat Hill and Totnes Down Hill. Surely some mistake? We can't be going all the way up here I thought....It's one hell of a hill. But no mistake. I looked at the GPS - a mere 3.6 miles and we'd been promised 6 miles. Oh misery, because the next one and a half miles was all uphill.

 

The rain had abated a bit and, at sea level, the wind wasn't too bad. But we were climbing high now and by the time we reached the rear entrance to Bowden House it was quite blustery. An arrow had us turn sharp right and onto a broad but jolly muddy lane. Beeflicker shouted "On-On" and, indeed, there were marks at the beginning of the deathly slippery lane. 

 

About a third of the way along this lane there was another public footpath to our right. Beefy and Psycho pushed on ahead. I stopped for a quick look but no marks. 

 

Thus far, despite the rain, the marks had been pretty good. We pushed on down to the end of the lane. I recognised the spot as where wet Johnny had his sweetie stop 53 weeks ago! Beefy checked uphill. Psycho checked downhill upto the junction with the Western Bypass/Kingsbridge Hill, but no marks also no Beeflicker.

 

What should we do? Given the time, 8.50, we thought that we would stay on road and make our way back to the pub via Western Bypass and Cistern Street. We did, however, stop at the toll house at the top of Fishchowters' Lane (one of Wet Johnny's favourites) and looked for marks but there were none to be seen.

 

A simple run back to the pub where the Pig stuck his snout in just to tell everyone that we were back and just off to get changed.

 

Down-Downs

With numbers so low we contemplated not bothering with the DD's. Smash and Miss Mash frequently do not do the post run pub as it is a school night for Miss Mash. Fukarewe's early retirement meant that he'd already been to the pub for his pint of Legend and gone home by the time the last of the FRB's arrived at the bar at 9.25. Additionally, Psycho had sloped off early too....she would have been bound to have been awarded a DD.

 

Nevertheless, with only 8 present it was decided that we would push on with the DD's. However, given the low numbers it was felt that it would be a little cheeky to ask Rob (the Landlord) for some free beers. Hence 3 halves were purchased and a glass of water (how apt) for the DD's.

First up was the Hare for a vey good trail, substantially well marked, laid in atrocious weather. A note for "Wet wet Johnny".

 

Next were two contenders for wardrobe malfunctions. Man-Pig had misplaced his dry socks and Smellie had forgotten a change of clothing. Whereas her top was dry she had a very wet bottom half, and that wasn't going to get dry before she got home. Inevitably, Smellie won hands down and a note for the "Soggy arse".

 

Were there any awards from previous weeks present? No chance. But were there any stories? Yes. Beeflicker has one. It is about the three FRB's who did not stay on trail. 

 

Apparently, we should not have continued all the way along the muddy track to the site of last year's sweetie stop. We should have taken a right and down the footpath that would have taken us onto Fishchowter's Lane. So, who was following who? Beefy explained that he had not learned from the previous week where he blindly followed Psycho off trail and that he'd done the same again this week. As the real culprit had already exited stage left the final half went to Beefy accompanied by, "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

 

There is a solitary half pint of water on the table but, unsurprisingly, we'd all had enough water for one evening.

 

Thankyou Wet Johnny. A great trail in appalling conditions. Well done.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Kings Arms, Kingsteignton. Our Hare is Beeflicker and we are promised a fairly short trail as it is the TVH3 Christmas Raffle - bring a large cardboard box to take your winnings home with you!

 

On-On to next week. MP