A WARM WELCOME FROM TVH3

Welcome to the Teign Valley Hash House Harriers of glorious South Devon. You are guaranteed a warm welcome and a great hash experience. We are the 'Party Hash' and we run from pubs all over Torbay, Dartmoor and the Teign Valley every Monday evening at 7.15pm. Our trails are marked with flour, chalk or sawdust and take in woodland, streams, byways, bridle paths and rolling countryside. We cater for all abilities, you needn't worry about keeping up, a leisurely walk with others or a good paced run if you're fit - you choose. The run duration is anything from 30 minutes to an hour and the distance is normally between 3-6 miles depending on whether you decide to take a short or long trail. Your first run is free, so come along and give it a go! After the run hashers enjoy a drink and food in the pub. On many occasions, the pub will lay on a 'Hash Menu', food specially for hashers.

WHAT TO EXPECT AT YOUR FIRST HASH

Starts soon after 7:15 pm each Monday.
The Grandmaster will gather the hash together in a circle and welcome Virgins & Visitors to TVH3 and inform the group of pertinent news or upcoming events.
Hares will announce details or the trail, number of long and short splits and regroups.

Down-Downs - sometimes at the circle but usually in the pub after the run. Hashers and harriets (lady hashers) have a half pint and under age hashers have a soft drink or water. If you are driving, just ask the RA for water.

A Down-Down is a means of punishing, rewarding, or merely recognizing an individual for any action or behavior. Once awarded, the downdown must be drunk without pause, otherwise the RA may take action!

Individuals may be recognized for outstanding service, or for their status as a visitor or newcomer.

Down-Downs also serve as punishment for misdemeanours real, imagined, or blatantly made up.

Such transgressions may include: wearing new shoes, pointing with a finger, or the use of real names rather than hash names.

Hash Names

The use of real names (nerd name) during an event is discouraged, and members are typically given a new "hash name," usually in deference to a particularly notorious escapade, a personality trait, or their physical appearance.

Members are named after attending the hash on several occasions or if something noteworthy occurs to prompt a naming.

Other hashers may share stories or observations about the individual, with the final name being chosen by general consensus from all suggestions put forward by the hash.

NEWCOMERS TO THE HASH
Completely new to hashing? Don't know what to expect? Worried, shy or nervous? You needn't be as all newcomers or virgins as they are known, will receive a warm welcome. When the hashers are called to make a circle - about 7:15 pm each Monday, the Grand Master will welcome all hashers and after various notices about forthcoming events etc are dealt with, he will ask if there are any visitors from other hashes or virgins present. You will be asked to come forward and be introduced to the hash. A tip to remember, don't wear new trainers as these are frowned upon by the RA (Religious Advisor) and will incur a sprinkling of flour over them. That's all there is to it and you can then step back and enjoy the run and the social get together after in the On Down (the pub). Whatever your pace, there are certain to be others who will keep you company along the trail. Walk, jog or run - it's up to you.
Hashing is all about making friends and having fun, so just turn up any Monday and have a go.

TVH3 The Words for 28th November 2022

 

As posted on Facebook by Beefy:

by Man-Pig
 
Tucker's Taphouse, Tucker's Maltings, Newton Abbot 
 
Run No. 1945
 
HARE: Wet-Johnny
 
Who wuz there: Wet Johnny, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Arkangel, Cheerio Beerio, Hotlips, Zoot, Ollie (Hot Lips' son), Smellie, Beefy, Pisswell, AA, Raff-as-Fuk, U-Bend, Fallen Woman, Able Semen, Slip-on-Me, Melonpicker, Soapy, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Big End, Ned, Well Hopped, Roger the Dodger, Strap-On, Broadshit, Scott (virgin), Wetfart, Amy & Bobbiball (pub only.)
 
The Circle
Announcements were almost exclusively about money. Fallen Woman wanted money for the Brixham fancy/Christmas dress fish'n'chips run on 12 December. Shitfaced wanted money for the TVH3 Christmas party on 10 December. Man-Pig didn't want money but a volunteer for the Words....usual response.
 
Smellie didn't want anything as she wasn't there to do the Hareraising; her train was running late apparently. But not as late as her train to Brixham for the South Hams pre-Christmas bash. Oh no, that train was running 70 years late!
 
Nevertheless, Shitfaced confirmed that all dates were available in 2023. It was unclear as to whether this referred to Smellie's availability to go on a date, or opportunities for hashers to get laying! Sign up quickly to avoid disappointment.
 
Over to the Hare. Wet-Johnny explained that there would be a common bit of trail on both the outward and return legs. Hence don't be surprised to see dots on both sides of the track, cycle ,path, road etc. There was a Longs', Shorts', and Walkers' trail. There was also a sweetie stop. Longs' could be 5 or 6,, Shorts' 3 and Walkers' 2 miles.
 
The Tap House does not do food but feel free to visit takeaway Ali and Ali's kebab shop. I never knew Cheerio had so many strings to her bow. Big portions assured.
 
The Trail
Whatever Wet-Johnny had in store, it was bound to be better than last week's abomination. As it turned out, all of this evening's hashers managed to make one of the laid trails. Even if it took one lone hasher till 9.45 to return to the On-Down.
 
The Longs were sent back towards takeaway alley before turning left under the railway bridge and heading for Brunel Industrial estate. As we passed under the bridge, a Mercedes AMG 55 E-class estate roared through. What an echo from the 5-litre V8.
 
The Long proved to be a loop through the industrial estate. This took us down to the banks of the Teign estuary before rejoining the Shorts' and Walkers' at the new bridge that takes pedestrians and cyclists onto the newish (about 12 years old now) cycle path that runs alongside the eastern edge of Newton Abbot racecourse.
 
Beefy was running ahead and taking photos. Pisswell was a little slower than usual as she was still recovering from a bicycle accident. Returnee Broadshit and virgin Scott were near the tail end of the Long with ex-virgin Amy not too far ahead. RAF (Raf as Fuk) was long gone.....never did see AA either!
 
Along the back of the racecourse, I overtook Smellie who had had to catch the train from Teignmouth to make this week's hash in Georgy Porgy and Piltdown's absence. Piltdown is pretty poorly with flu.
 
At the second Long/Short split, I just passed Ablesemen and Slip-on-Me before the paths of the Longs' and the Shorts' diverged. 
 
Heading towards the Passage House Hotel, I passed the demon duo of Wetfart and Melonpicker, soon followed by the trio of Roger the Dodger, Well-Hopped and Ned.
On we coursed through the Passage House car park and onto Hackney Lane before the final Long/Short split.
 
The final Long was a long loop that followed the public footpath towards the Teignmouth Road. This crosses two fields and then a dogleg across Teignmouth Road and onto Coombeshead Road.
 
I passed Arkangel in the first field. That would be the last that I, or anyone else from the Hash, would see of him till 9.45!
 
In the far distance, along Coombeshead Road, I could make out flickering torchlight. Someone quite quick but I couldn't quite make out who. But I did recognise the top. It was the Hashshit shirt. This must be ex-virgin Amy dutifully adorning the Hashshit shit on only her second Hash!
 
The trail took us onto the footbridge over the A380 and into Kingsteignton. The trail then turned left down Vicarage Hill before an arrow had us turning right and up Longsford Lane.
By this time, I had caught up with Amy. Another 600 yards and another arrow had us going left, crossing Longford Lane and running up Golvers Hill Road. This exited just behind the car park to the Bell Inn.
 
An arrow had us crossing Fore Street and running down Church Street with the leat running along one edge. Into the churchyard where Beefy was, once again, on photographic duty. Two snaps later, we were back on trail and following the footpath that crosses Greenhill Way and back into Hackney Marshes. 
 
It wasn't long before we arrived back at the junction of the second Long/Short split. Here Wet-Johnny was merrily handing out Cadbury's Celebrations and also ensuring that no-one went around the trail again!
 
Then it was back up the cycle path next to the racecourse where we had been some 25 minutes earlier. We passed Ablesemen, Slip-on-Me, Melon-Picker, Rodger the Dodger, Ned and Big End for the second time.
 
At the far side of the new bridge over the canal, there were two "OH" signs clearly pointing back towards the canal and the shortest route back to the On-Down. But hold! What's this I spy in the yonder distance? 'Tis Wetfart re-entering the Brunel estate in the direction of Sainsburys.
Before you could say "ex-virgin", Amy, Beefy, and I were back at the cars. A quick run. It was only 8.30 but excellent marks kept the pace up.
 
The Down-Downs
Man-Pig led the evening's proceedings but couldn't remember if he'd thanked the pub for the beer...or had Wet-Johnny bought it? Nevertheless, awards were thin on the ground but, as Amy had worn hers all the way around, she was first up to give it to someone equally deserving. Not sure what "story" she came up with although she started with,"Once upon a time.....".
 
Ultimately, the Hashshit shirt went to Wet-Johnny for an excellent trail. Removing his shirt was a revelation. It looked like a huge chest merkin. Accordingly, a note for "Ryan Giggs"!
The birthday cake hat had been returned from Polyfella's run from Teignmouth rugby club. Pork Torpedo awarded this to U-Bend for huffing and puffing his way around the trail. "I was trying to catch you up!" wheezed U-Bend. A short ditty from Pork Torpedo's extensive repertoire ensued.
 
No more awards but two half pints of Edwin Tucker's prize winning beer to give away. Shitfaced dropped Smellie in it for being late and missing the circle. Smellie didn't want a down-down as she's got the Ofsted inspectorate at her college for the next four days.
 
"Please don't give me one", she pleaded. This made matters ten times worse and Pork Torpedo came up with something that ended, ".....so stop your whingeing and get back in the kitchen".
The final half went to Wetfart for ignoring the very large "OH" marks and embarking on an alleged shopping trip to Sainbury's. 
 
However, when he got there they'd sold out. This was because Cheerio-Beerio had got there first.
 
Is this what the hash has come to? An excuse to do your weekly shopping? I blame Smellie....she started it!
 
However, this wasn't quite the end of the evening. We weren't all present and correct. Someone was missing. It was Arkangel. 
 
Slip-on-Me wondered if he'd taken a tumble into the canal. A seriously concerned Wet-Johnny dragged Man-Pig into the car park to ID his Honda Jazz...still parked. Hence he was still out on trail.
 
Wet-Johnny dutifully started checking back towards the racecourse. Fortunately, within a few minutes the single torch of a lone hasher could be seen heading towards the "On-Down".
Just like a horse will always find water, a Hasher will always find a pub.....sometimes it's even the On-Down!
 
Next week
Next week's Hash is from The Abbey Inn, Buckfastleigh with Pisswell Haring.
 
On-On to next week!

TVH3 The Words for 21st November 2022

The Cridford Inn, Trusham (cancelled fireworks hash)

Run No. 1944
 
Alternatively, "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?"
 
HARES: Forrest Stump & Man-Pig
 
Who wuz there: Forrest Stump, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Cheerio Beerio, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beefy, Pisswell, Wet Johnny, Fallen Woman, Deep Semen, Strap-On, Warm Front and virgin Amy.
 
Preface
The weather forecast for the postponed bonfire and firework hash was even worse than that on the night of the originally penned 7th November. Accordingly, the Hares made a decision on the Sunday morning to cancel the fireworks and bonfire. Credit to Shitfaced and Bluebird for getting this information up on the TVH3 Facebook page within 20 minutes of having been contacted by the Hares.
 
Plan B was to move the On-Down to the Cridford Inn. Even better, was the fact that the very accommodating landlord, Paul, agreed to take Forrest's Roadkill stew and French bread and to serve it up at the pub. But what to do with the four dozen bottles of beer that Forrest had bought especially for the bonfire night at Tinkley Bottom.....Christmas raffle draw prizes?
 
Sure enough, we awoke to gale force winds and horizontal rain on the day of the Hash. Forrest had reviewed the weather forecast. There was a potential break in the weather at midday.
 
The Hares met at the Cridford Inn at midday, agreed a trail, and promptly set off to lay it. But where to put the marks? The soil was saturated, some stretches of road were more like streams than parts of the public highway network. Nevertheless, we persevered and got some sort of a trail laid; and all in dry weather. 
 
There was a Walkers', a Shorts' and a Longs' but the marks were saturated. These marks were going to be jolly difficult to see in the dark to be sure. The question was, who would turn up with such a foreboding forecast, further compounded by the late change of venue?
 
The Circle
As it turned out, fifteen hardy hashers made it to the Cridford Inn in good time to secure parking in the limited space of the pub's car park. Who was this turning up late? It was Warmfront....in a car! She usually cycles from Chudleigh. I don't think I've ever seen her in a car before. The reason became apparent as not one, but two blondes alighted from the chariot. Warmfront had brought her friend Amy for her virgin Hash. What on earth was she going to make of it?
 
GM Shitfaced called the circle to order. The only announcements were that Fallen Woman was collecting money for the fish and chips at her hash on 12th December. If Hashers hadn't got cash, she would provide her bank account details in the pub after the run. Additionally, Smellie advised that all dates in 2023 were now available for filling. Nobody wanted to do the Words and, as it transpired, only two Hashers managed to find and complete any of the three trails!!!
Forrest Stump advised that the pub would be serving his Roadkill stew at £5 a head, and then we were off.
 
Statistics
What should have happened:
1. Some Hashers should have done the Walkers' trail.
2. Some Hashers should have done the Shorts' trail.
3. The balance of Hashers should have done the Longs' trail.
 
What actually happened:
1. No trail: do not do any of the trail at all - Shitfaced decided to stay in the pub and drink beer until everyone was back. (1)
2. Walkers: do a bit of the trail, wander around a bi and walk back to the pub - this included Fallen Woman, Piltdown Man and Georgy Porgy. (3)
3. Shorts: start off slow; follow the Hare (assuming that he knows where he's going); overshoot a cross and carry on without marks for 2.1 miles before turning around and retracing one's steps back to the pub. The misled ones comprised Cheerio-Beerio, Strap-On and Smellie. (3)
4. Trying to make amends on the Shorts: as above but at least attempting to do the Shorts when we got back on trail. The culprits were Man-Pig and Pisswell. Even then they didn't complete the Shorts as a wet and chilled to the bone Forrest-Stump suggested making a beeline back to the pub. We didn't take much convincing. (2)
5. The Longs: just like the Shorts, the Longs fell into two categories. The first category was for those who just can't get enough of the hash and have to go the extra mile...or 3 miles in this case. In fairness, the shortsighted ones were on trail for over 50% of the time. They missed a check at the top of the lane that leads down to the notorious ravine. This meant that they carried on all the way down Farley Hill before looping round, uphill, to the pub. The long distance trio were made up by Deep semen, Beefy and Wet Johnny. (3)
6. The Longs, no deviations, 100% on trail all the time: this was Warmfront and Amy. Admittedly, Warmfront was on home turf (or should that be water?) but how on earth did they manage it? Congratulations. (2)
7. And finally, Forrest marshalling the Walkers and waiting for the lost Shorts makes a total of 15 all accounted for.
So, in summary, there were only two Hashers who managed to make it around any of the marked trails. Really, you couldn't make this up.
 
The Trail
Appalling. We will redo it again in the Summer when we can see what we're doing.
 
The Down-Downs
Forrest once again commenced proceedings by thanking the pub for the beer and for serving up his roadkill stew. Sterling service from a very Hash friendly pub. Thank you, Paul.
 
As the two hares are the usual RA's, we suggested that Fallen Woman might want to do the RA'ing for the evening. It just didn't register. We all smiled and giggled as we repeated the suggestion. No response. Fallen Woman was obviously in deep conversation with Pisswell and had no idea that she'd been nominated to RA. At the third time of asking, she refused. Much merriment all round.
 
Deep Semen had the Hashshit shit from the previous week. In true hash fashion, he opted to wear it around a very damp trail. I pitied the poor devil who was going to get this. Amazingly, despite leading the Shorts astray on my own trail for nearly four miles, I wasn't even mentioned in despatches.
 
Fallen Woman was the first potential candidate for stating that she was "....after a length", in the Circle. But it was not be. We had two officers from the meteorological office in our midst - Warmfront and Amy.
 
Before the run, Deep Semen had asked them if it was going to rain during the run? One said "Yes" the other said "No". Our virgin Amy got the wet Hashshit shirt on her very first run. I've never seen this before in thirty five years of hashing! Her misdemeanour, an incorrect weather forecast.
 
The Hares got the following two halves of beer. This time Fallen Women led the chorus of, "Here's to the Hares...."
 
One last half pint of ale to give away, but no awards and no stories. This despite Cheerio-Beerio's efforts to drop Man-Pig in the quagmire. Somehow, in a rather convoluted manner, Smellie got the final down-down for being foolish enough to follow the Hare and still get off trail. A rendition of, "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy.....", which woke the landlord.
 
Unfortunately, by the time he appeared the last beer had been drunk. Otherwise he would have received it for his excellent hospitality.
 
Next week
Next week's Hash is at Tucker's Maltings Taphouse, Newton Abbot with Hare Wet-Johnny. The Taphouse does not do food but will allow you to bring food in from takeaway alley which is just round the corner.
 
On-On to next week, MP.

TVH3 The Words for 14th November 2022

Red Rock Brewery, Humber (Jackie comes out of retirement)

Run No. 1943
 
HARES: Big End & Well Hopped
 
Who wuz there: Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Shitfaced, iPoo'd, Cheerio Beerio, Archangel, Man-Pig, Forrest Stump, Perry, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Beefy, Pisswell, Swinger, Matt, Paul, Manopause, Wet Johnny, Fallen Woman, Piddler, Deep Semen, Ablesemen, Twisted Tart, Teapot, Wetfart, Bluebird, Bobbiball, Mateus Rose, Rise 'n' Shine, Tamsin, Polyfella, Warm Front, Threesum, Martin and Coldtits!
 
The Circle
A cooler night than of late, blustery too, but at least it was dry. Shitfaced called the Circle to order and advised that the cost for the Christmas party would be £10 for members and £15 for non-members.
 
It will take place on 10th December at Newton Abbot Constitutional Club where we have the upstairs function room all to ourselves.
 
Fallen Woman announced that she was taking pre-orders and pre-payment for Brixham's best fish 'n' chip hash on 12th December; the cost is £8 which is cheaper than the shop price. It will be a fancy dress run - Christmas theme/Santa suits. No doubt there will be Christmas carols and we are scheduled to stop at the CAMRA (Campaign for Real Ale) pub which won South Devon's CAMRA pub of the year last year.
 
No announcements from the Hare Raiser as Smellie was absent - which is pretty rare.
The Hares mentioned something about a Walkers' trail of about 2 miles. The Shorts' would be 4 and the Longs was about five and a half, "I think". Hmmmmmm. There are three Long/Short splits.
 
Finally, the Pig reached out for a volunteer for the Words.......silence. Although the Bird did say that he would add his two penneth worth.
 
The Trail
We ran down the drive from the brewery to the Walkers'/ Long & Shorts' split at the bottom. Walkers to the left. Longs and Shorts to the right. 
 
Outside the entrance to Lindridge Park, a check. The Bird and the Pig checked left, whilst a few checked right. Most hovered around the check. By the time the swine and the avian returned from discovering a cross for their efforts, all that could be seen were the shadows of back markers making their way along Humber Lane.
 
Time to catch up but where was the Bird? The crafty old coot was last seen heading back whence he came. Was he planning on roosting at the bar or gliding silently along the Walkers' trail?
 
The trail took us along Humber Lane where I was running with Polyfella. We passed Arkangel, then Twisted Tart and Piddler. 
 
A cross was encountered at the bottom of Three Tree Lane where I was sure the trail would take us. We overtook Forrest Stump and Pisswell before arriving at a kicked-out check. This was at the top of the long downhill track that takes us right and down into Luton.
 
Outside the Elizabethan pub, we came to the first Long/Short split. Here I caught up with Paul and Matt who are Swinger's friends. These were not virgins as this was their second run. Paul had run from Red Rock brewery about this time last year and Matt had been on Swinger's trail from Shaldon Ness car park earlier in the year. I'd also caught up with Swinger. The Longs took us along the footpath that runs through the Elizabethan's car park.
 
On hitting the lane, I could see Deep Semen checking at a cross, and I could just see the back of a disappearing Warm Front heading uphill towards Little Haldon.
 
We had been up this road earlier in the year, and I was sure that Warm Front was on trail, so I followed her up this interminably long hill. A call of "On-On" from Warm Front confirmed my fears....I hate this hill. Amazingly, I overtook her but she was taking it easy. In fairness, she had just cycled over from Chudleigh. 
 
Eventually, I could see torchlight in front of me. This must be Beefy or Wet-Johnny. Whoever it was, I was catching them......slowly.
 
In the distance, I could barely hear, "Long/Short split" and then the torchlight disappeared. Bugger.
 
More uphill as the second Long/Short split took the Longs around three sides of Little Haldon. The Shorts, meanwhile, kept on road to the sweetie stop at the top of Three Tree Lane. 
 
The Longs' trail took us out onto tarmac at cross-roads where Big End had just put the final Long/Short split. This was where I briefly caught up with Wet-Johnny....a hard man to catch up with.
 
The Longs went diagonally across the cross-roads and onto the public footpath that crosses the, now empty, golf course. At the club house, we went left and right and commenced a short descent down the top of Shepherd's Lane before an arrow had us going right and through a small gravel car park. At the far end of the car park, there was another arrow and we descended trestled steps into woods.
 
By this time, Warm Front had caught up and overtaken me. The trail followed the footpath that runs just below the club house to the picnic tables at White Well. Wet-Johnny and Warm Front had disappeared from sight by the time the trail rejoined tarmac. 
 
An arrow left followed by an arrow right, took us up to the boundary of Teignmouth golf course to a welcome sweetie stop. This is where, for the first time, I'd seen Beefy on trail. The Walkers had already been through but quite a lot of the Shorts were still scoffing.
 
By now, I was hot and sweaty so it was time to take off the wind cheater and get a push on down Three Trees Lane. Big End kindly offered to take my wind cheater back to the pub but I declined the offer. This was simply because Three Trees lane can be a bit dodgy underfoot at night. The lane used to be tarmac along its entire length, but that was many moons ago. Very little tarmac remains but where it is still intact, it presents a problem. This is the case when sound black top gives way to eroded sub-base, and there is usually an ankle twisting two inch drop. If I were to fall over and stop running, I would soon get cold. Hence my decision to decline Big End's offer.
 
The final leg down Three Trees Lane and back onto the out trail was uneventful. Inevitably, I never did catch up with Beefy, Wet-Johnny or Warm Front but I did overtake some of the Shorts including Piddler, Twisted Tart and Cheerio Beerio.
Just before the brewery, I caught up with Shitfaced and iPoo'd and then it was time for a quick change and a beer.
 
And now, we dubiously present:
 
The Adventures of Crafty Coot, Bobby Woll & Bobby Kirk
 
A rare excursion for the Blues Brothers, and excitement was in tents. Der Panzerkampfwagen was fired up and trundled forth to do battle with the shrapnel-scarred veteran Bobby Woll at the controls.
 
The crafty Coot was all of a flutter as he waited at Maidencombe Cross for der Panzer. Should he risk it and go as a biscuit, or merely adjourn to the bar for what he Shirley does best? The vexing question would be answered shortly.
 
A dull rumble and billowing clouds of black diesel heralded the arrival of der Panzer, and the Red Rock baby beckoned.
 
With a snarl of rage, Bobby slewed the Panzer into a parking bay, narrowly missing young Wetfart and effectively precluding any further entry into his chariot. A splendid start to proceedings, I doff my flying helmet to you, Bob.
 
A goodly turnout to the hash-friendly brewery, no doubt lured by the pasty and pint deal. I had missed the deadline but had packed my usual cheese and pickle sarnie as a consolation prize.
 
The long was decidedly off menu but the forecast four for the shorts might just be possible. Meanwhile, Bobby Woll had morphed into his other alter ego, Bobby Kirk, as he unpacked the ski poles.
 
Bobby was given a crisp twenty for the drinks, and the chequered flag dropped. Game on!
After a hundred yards, I knew it wasn't going to happen. Warm Front didn't like the look of the Coot and advised him to take the walkers route which did little for the confidence.
 
Never mind, the first check loomed at the grassy island junction. Left would have at least ensured a little longer on trail, but right, down the hill and then up up and not away would Shirley be goodnight Vienna for the aged Coot.
 
On one, on two, blast it, the cross of destiny, and the Coot ran up the white flag, intent on initiating Plan B, with a capital B that stands for beer. 
 
Cries of bewilderment ensued as hashers called to the Coot as he careered crazily towards the bar. But there was Bobby, who said he was going left for a potter down the bridle path. Whoa there, Neddy, and the Coot turned once more.
 
While Bobby slowly advanced, the Coot coursed up and down the lane until the maximum two miles was reached, and then rejoined the ski master for an amiable amble, brewery bound. Fifty minutes in the bag, job jolly well done. We thought so anyway.
 
Inside, we both plumped for the Freshwater IPA 4.2 calibre which was quite suppable, and I had a refuel just to make sure. 
 
However, the adventurous Bobby (with my cash) thought he'd like to try the Tasty Waves, and I quote: 'Naturally Hazy New England IPA, dry hopped with a load of punchy American hops' - packing a mighty 5.5 calibre punch.
 
What did Bobby do? He only poured it into the remaining half of the Freshwater! An absolute disgrace Bobby, I can't take you anywhere.
 
Back to near sanity with MP:
 
The Down-Downs
Forrest commenced proceedings by thanking the pub for the beer, and for Jackie coming out of retirement especially for us. Hooray! 
 
The pasties and the pint offer should have been pre-ordered by the previous Thursday. Naturally, being hashers, there were always some who would chance it on the night, "Any spare pasties?" Fortunately, there were so I don't think anyone went home hungry.
 
Beefy had the Hashshit shirt to give away. Apparently, Beefy had slept in it and then proceeded to spill lumpy porridge all over it the following day. Ablesemen could have been the recipient for forgetting when the raffle draw was going to take place.....and she's the organiser.
In the event, the shirt went to Deep semen. I think Beefy felt sorry for him as he turned up in late autumn dressed for summer. He really did need another shirt. The master of proceedings called for all to join in with "Hold it your hand Mrs Murphy".
 
Big End had the bat hat from last week. The request to pre-order food had fallen on deaf ears as Threesum had sent an e-mail to Big End at 2pm on the Monday afternoon for her pre-order. A note for the Ginster minger.
 
A mystery award in the form of a pearly king/queen hat was produced from nowhere to accompany a down-down for the Hares. 
 
Rather than electing to share their well earned beer, Well Hopped nominated Big End to to drink it on behalf of both Hares. It was dispatched in pretty swift order to a rendition of "Here's to the pearly queen....." well done hares. A good trail.....but that bloody hill!
 
Finally a run badge to award. Man-Pig gets his 500th run badge. Obviously a chorus of, "Get a life, life,life".
 
Next week
Forrest's firework hash at Tinkley Bottom. If you don't like beer, bring your own poison. Roadkill stew will be on offer but please bring a plate and your own eating irons.....along with fireworks of course..
 
On-On to next week.

TVH3 The Words for 7th November 2022

by Man-Pig

The Palk Arms, Hennock (in lieu of postponed Fireworks' Hash)
 
Run No. 1942
 
HARES: Forrest Stump & Wood Lend
 
Who wuz there: Forrest Stump, Wood Lend, Shitfaced (circle only), Man-Pig, Piltdown Man, Smellie, Beefy, Pisswell, AA (Pisswell's daughter), Raf (to be named), Big End, Well-Hopped, Ned, Swinger, Ernie, Manopause, Wet Johnny, Fallen Woman, Fukarewe.
 
The Circle
The forecast of gale-force winds and heavy showers did not deter eighteen hashers from making the blustery trip up to Hennock for a change from the originally advertised venue.
The Teign Valley road is closed for 10 days so Forrest's Firework Hash had to be postponed. Just as well because nothing was going to burn, fly or explode in this weather.
 
The Firework Hash is now rescheduled for 21st November - weather permitting. So get down to Trago Mills and see if they've got any fireworks going half price.
 
As per usual, the circle commenced with Smellie reiterating her request for Hares. The only date that remains unfilled for this year is Boxing Day! U-bend couldn't now do 5th December but someone has stood in for this slot.
 
Returnee Fallen Woman, resplendent with healthy tan, confirmed that the annual Brixham Fish 'n' chip run would take place on 12 December. I seem to recall that the fish 'n' chips will be delivered to the on-down for consumption. This will be CAMRA's South Devon pub of the year for 2020, The Queens. Man-Pig requested a volunteer for the Words. No takers......yet again.
 
The Trail
The trail commenced with the whole pack trotting from the pub, along Church Lane and past the church, to the dead end. A Walkers' trail was marked to the left and through the churchyard. Amazingly, there were no takers. 
 
At the end of the cul-de-sac, we passed through a wicket gate and down the public footpath towards the fantastically named Twizzle Tree Cottage. The field gave way to woodland as we started our descent to the bottom of the valley. Down a couple of steps and then a dogleg. A concrete drive took us downhill towards the cottage for a hundred yards before we spied a public footpath sign to our left. It was back into woodland and uphill through Greatrock Copse and past Great Rock itself.
 
This area of the valley is heavily mined and, at times, there was a steep drop to our right. Up and up and up followed by down and down as Wet Johnny led the pack towards a distant lone torch. This was Wood Lend and Fuddle guiding us down and to the first of two Long/Short splits.
 
At Beadon Bridge, the Shorts went left and up Beadon Lane. The Longs were directed right and up into Newton Cleave Wood. Here we came to a mark which almost no-one recognised. It was a fishhook with the number 4 below it. The first four to the fishhook were Beefy, Raf, Wet-Johnny and Man-Pig. A bit of head scratching went on whilst Swinger, Ernie and Manopause caught up, closely followed by Big End, Well Hopped and Ned. 
 
Some thought it was the sweetie stop and looked for non-existent sweets. Man-Pig, who knew exactly what this was, simply asked if anyone was behind us. "Yes. Pisswell and AA" replied Big End. "OK, we'll wait for them and push on" suggested the Pig.
 
The fishhook had sort of been complied with - despite Swinger saying "You've broken the rules". "There are no rules on the Hash my dear!".
 
Not far after the fishhook, the track levelled off and we came to a T-junction. This was on the broad track that is, nominally, the boundary between Netton Cleave Wood and Canonteign Down. An obvious place for a check but we found nothing.
 
Soon there was a shout of "On-On" to our left. Wet-Johnny was on trail as we headed back towards the reservoirs on the high path. Another check and we were on a more minor path that descends back to the Long/Short split at Beadon Bridge. Here we rejoined the Shorts (who we never caught up) and ascended Beadon Lane to Chericombe Head.
 
Chericombe Head provided the second and last Long/Short split. Wet-Johnny was waiting for Manopause and I guess that they both took the Shorts' route back to the pub via Bell Lane. 
 
Raf and Beefy were well ahead. Not even a reflection of their torchlight in the distance as Ernie and I commenced the final Long. This took us down the bridal path that enters Hennock at Five Lanes and, inevitably, a check. Beefy and Raf were running back to kick-out the check but I had already done the needful.
 
Up to this point, the weather hadn't been as bad as forecast but now it was pelting down. Despite the torrential downpour, Beefy had decided to dispense with his kagool. I, on the other had, zipped up and rummaged around for my beanie hat. A quarter mile trot back into Hennock had us back at the pub in no time.
 
What a fantastic evening to be out and close to nature whilst everyone else was tucked up at home.
 
The Down-Downs
Back at the pub, the landlord had put on a vey welcome chilli con carne. This, despite the fact that Monday is the chef's night off. Just what we wanted after a wet and windy run.
 
First up was Fukarewe to award the Bat Hat. Initially, there was a story about a hasher who thought that he knew where he was going, "Because I've seen an arrow", but proved to be wrong.
 
However, this was trumped by an out-of-hash sighting the previous week. Fukarewe had been out and about on his antiquated two wheeled British iron when he saw what he thought to be a hasher. He was correct. This was Big End having a pee at the side of the road. We did ask which part of the hasher Fukarewe recognised but there was no answer. A note for the "Hasher Slasher".
 
Next up was Forrest. He had been passed the hashshit shirt to award. Forrest had thoughtfully hung it outside to get a good clean before awarding it to Beefy. Beefy had started the trail with a kagool, hood, gloves and survival pack but ended up back at the pub in just a pair of speedos. Accordingly, a note for the "Wardrobe malfunction".
 
There were no other awards but there was an un-named hasher in our presence - Raf.
Now, Raf is Portugese and the last time we saw him was four years ago at the Rugglestone when Jess was named AA (pronounced "Ahhhhh"). The jury is still out as to whether this is an abbreviation for "arseholes anonymous" or a reference to Mum's van. 
 
Some naming suggestions were put to the floor, all pivoting around the initials RAF. In a wholly undemocratic conservative three line whip, Raf was duly anointed "Raffasfuk".
 
A final half of the valley's finest ale to dish out. The award properly went to a deserving Hare. However, Forrest admitted that the reality was that he had been the Hare's assistant. The true hero of the hour was Wood Lend. Hence Forrest nominated his son as the worthy recipient of the final down-down.
 
Well done Hares. A great trail laid in atrocious weather conditions. Well worth the journey out to darkest Hennock and a very welcoming pub to boot.
 
Next week
Wed Wock Brewery, Humber with Hares Big End and Well Hopped. There is a deal on regarding food. i.e. a pasty and a pint for some money (I've forgotten how much was quoted). 
 
More importantly, if you want food, Well Hopped needs to know by Thursday. 
 
Well Hopped/Bluebird will put something on the Facebook page so that hungry hashers can place their orders by the deadline. We are, additionally, promised that Jackie is coming out of retirement to serve behind the bar....sterling service.
 
On-On to next week.

Halloween Hash Newton Abbot 31.10.22


We laid the trail in Sunshine – Palmolive, M.P. and I,
then waited for the hours to pass, kept looking at the sky.
The clouds came in, the rain came down as we bore our fancy dress,
we drove to Newton Abbot to assess the sodden mess
Most of the dots were still in place, but checks were washed away
some long/shorts splits had disappeared, so again we had to lay.
We huddled in the car park as the rain again starts spitting
Piltdown man had taken names, so now there was no quitting.
A fine display of spooky guises, such effort people made
zombies, skeletons and werewolves, I was sore afraid.
Face masks, face paints, blood and bandages even pumpkin twins
Shit Faced called us hares in circle - so Melon Picker begins:
“3 long/short splits and walkers trail, laid in flour on right”
Forgot to mention sawdust too was washed away tonight.
He did remember pub stop and take some money to buy beer
There would be games at re-group. “You have to stop” was clear!
Spitting now had turned to rain as we left Newfoundland way car park
around the corner Longs split off and disappeared in the dark.
The pigeons had eaten most the flour, the rest had washed away
Longs ran to far end of the road then set off on wrong way!
Eventually they realised no marks upon the ground
And after running half a mile the whole pack turned around!
Through traffic lights past back of Asda, then along Bradley Lane
At re-group - donuts on a string, they met with hares again.
“ you have to eat them with no hands and do not lick your lips”
Pisswell got in quite a mess as down her face jam drips!
Past derelict buildings to Bakers Park, we waded through the flood
Confused the longs as sodden sawdust was invisible in the mud!
With a little help from nearby hares who kindly called them back
To St Marys church at top of hill we puffed up narrow track.
We forgot to say the sweets were hidden in nettles behind the bin
But luckily the shorts had found them and were already at ‘On Inn’.
A variety of spooky sweets were quickly gobbled down
Then off they set through muddy field - great views across the town.
Last long/short split at top of hill most of the flour still there
With thought of pub stop spurred them on - a spooky one beware!
Through narrow streets and terraces adorned with Halloween
We made it down to East Street where Red Riding Hood was seen.
Entering the Locomotive pub – I realised was SM Ellie
Other hashers drinking shots or watching football on the telly!
i-pood who now has turned eighteen had various shots in line
but 5 min warning, “Time to leave - we have to eat at nine!”.
Twelve Twenty for the ON Down, a new venue but no avail
Although the food was yummy there was no beer or real ale
A pub that’s open, and sells food is difficult to cohere
It never crossed my mind to ask “excuse me do you sell beer?”
But they gave us Haze for Down Downs that sparkly cider stuff
The first one went to i-pood (‘cos she wasn’t drunk enough!)
Then poor Palmolive got an award for falling on her arse
She took a mouthful, made a face then gave i-pood the glass
Who drank it down without a breath - this one even faster
A true professional like her uncle Shit faced our Grand Master!
Palmolive was a pumpkin and Fukarewe looked like her brother
Fukarewe got the down down as we couldn’t waste another.
Melon Picker drew short straw to represent the hares
Guinness, Cider, Beer or Ale - He never really cares!
Here ends another evening of frivolous, harmless fun
I hope you all enjoyed it and now the words are done.
Everyone looked brilliant, I thank you one and all
I look forward to our Christmas Newton Abbot Pub crawl.
Next weeks trail is from Palk Arms and NOT from Tinkley Bottom
Our bonfire party’s two weeks time - in case you had forgotten.
On on Soapy xx

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