PIG AND WHISTLE

Run #2069 Monday 31st March Circle up 7:15 pm from the Pig and Whistle, Newton Road, Littlehempston, Totnes TQ9 6LT with Beeflicker.

TVH3 The Words for 24th March 2025

The Highweek Inn, Newton Abbot

Run No. 2068 Awards' Night

 

HARE: Poacher

 

Who wuz there: Poacher, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Forrest-Stump, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Beeflicker, Beefy, Pisswell, Psycho, Coldtits, Smellie, Roger the Dodger, Well Hopped, Big End, Ernie, Strap-On, Sarah, Red Rum, Smash, Miss Mash, Wet-Johnny, Only Here for the Beer, Two Little Schitz, Ablesemen, Slip-on-Me, Wetfart, Polyfella, Judgemental, Pocket Rocket, Archangel, Base Camp and Threesum

 

Circle

As per usual on an Awards Night, the car park filled early but everyone appeared to get parked satisfactorily. The roadworks inn Newton Abbot only resulted in two latecomers. Sarah, who just made the Circle and Polyfella who didn't!

 

The Circle commenced with Threesum collecting names for eaters. A heavily subsidised chilli con carne with baked potato at £5/head was on the menu. Noshing headcount over it was over to the RA.....possible for the last time. Shitfaced announced that he would soon be standing down from his position as RA due to work commitments. Accordingly, the Hash would have to put their thinking hats on and put themselves, or their choice of candidate, forward. Currently only Man-Pig has been pressganged volunteered to fill the position.

 

Smellie needs a Hare for the end of April.

 

Now it is over to the Hare. Poacher advises that: "The trail has everything" but we never did get clarification as to whether that included a Walkers' trail. However, there was definitely a Long and a Shorts' trail out there somewhere.

 

Trail

The evening was comparatively mild and dry. This was a good start, especially on a Poacher trail as you never know what you're going to get.

 

The first check was at the entrance to the pub car park. Hashers checked hither and thither eventually picking up marks going down Pitt Hill Road and then turning left along the footpath that leads onto the downs below Highweek Church. There ensued a lot of navel gazing or running around in circles until we were called "on" down Church Walk. But not for long as Poacher had us scrambling over a hedge for another loop around the down before continuing down Church walk to Exeter Road. 

 

At the roundabout, there was another check that took us onto the footpath that runs westward behind Knowles Hill School. Back onto Pitt Hill Road for a short while and then up Coombeshead Road before an arrow had us take a left and down another footpath to Ashburton Road.

 

Up to this point, the FRB's had alternated between, Psycho, Beeflicker, Wet-Johnny and Man-Pig....surely Beefy must have been at the front at some stage? 

 

Across the Ashburton Road and drop through a small park until we hit the River Lemon and turn left on the tarmac footpath that eventually runs past Sainsbury's. But we never got that far.

 

From this point on, I get confused. There is some trotting about in a residential area and a Long/Short split. Poacher takes the Longs up a narrow footpath and then off piste. I think we are in Bradley Woods. We climb up a long and steep, wild garlic covered hill to its top. There is not a sign of a track or rabbit run anywhere. The garlic is both pungent and slippery. Once at the top, we have to do the same down the other side.We drop down another slippery wooded slope. I can just see Poacher and Wet-Johnny's torchlight ahead of me. Behind me are Psycho and Beefy who are both threatening to fall like a house of cards on the poor Pig.

 

Eventually, we arrive onto a broad rocky track and head left for about 200 yards before hitting a check, but this time on a tarmac footpath. There is a call of "On" to our right from Beeflicker. We run parallel with a small leat to our right. I am sure that we are in Bradley Woods just below Bradley Manor. We pass the last Long short split and cross a small bridge over the River lemon and grind to a halt at a check. Poacher has forgotten where he is and needs illumination from Psycho. 

 

After a bit of scurrying around with Psycho's head torch Poacher marks the trail up a steep bank. In fact a bloody steep and high hill. Normally this would have been manageable. But it would have been better if Poacher had allowed Psycho to simply lend him her head torch. Joined at the head like some abominable circus attraction from the 19th century the pair commenced their ascent of the north face of the Eiger. These were closely followed by Wet-Johnny and Pisswell, who had caught us up whilst the headless duo were trying to find the trail. The Pig was tail end-charlie.

 

Just below its peak, a fallen tree impeded progress even further. Poacher calls back, "Watch your head". Too late. Wet-Johnny is bloodied and Pisswell is out of earshot. In an almost perfect replay Pisswell crawls under the tree and attempts to get up. Bang. She's hit her head on the same bit of tree as Wet-Johnny and crumples to the floor. A little dizzy, but otherwise unscathed, the sextuple continue on their way; this time down the mountain and onto the upper footpath. 

 

We pass the Puritans' Pit which always looks rather ghostly at night with its large crucifix. But tonight, we'd all be OK. No vampires were going to get anywhere near us for we were all reeking of the wild garlic which had impregnated our trainers.

 

Inevitably, we arrive at the Ford. An arrow has us pointing away from East Ogwell and across the Lemon.......bridge or ford. It's a tough choice but all six Longs maintain 12 dry feet as we commence our climb up the track that leads to Ogwell Mill Road. The last time that I had been up here the mill was a ruin. It appears to have been knocked down and rebuilt as a modern home....nice but no character.

 

The final leg has us arrive at the Ashburton Road at its junction with Barton Drive. It is left and then right and up the two footpaths (unusually dry for this time of year) that lead us back onto Coomeshead Road and the "OH" sign.

 

Back in the pub car park just before 9; a perfectly planned trail by Poacher and our only casualties are two sore heads.

 

Down-Downs

Back in the pub Forrest-Stump and Man-Pig are intercepted by Shitfaced before they can get to the bar.

"We want to get on with The Awards. Get the Down-Downs done as quickly as possible...all at the same time".

 

We had every intention of pandering to the whims of our gerrymandering GM but this would have to wait for another half an hour as the food was just coming out of the kitchen....one by one.

 

Scoff over, the Forrest-Pig duet spring into action. The Hare (Poacher), the head bangers (Wet-Johnny & Pisswell), Beefy and Sarah were called up, front and centre to receive their Down-Downs for various misdemeanours on trail.....mainly head banging and a being a drama queen. This was accompanied by a note for the head bangers.

 

Well, that was nice and quick so over to The Awards.

 

The Awards

After faffing around with his iPhone and its windscreen mounting holder, Shitfaced gets the show on the road. In addition to a T-shirt, the 2024 Awards winners will each receive a bag of flour. How topical! However, these are no ordinary bags of flour. Within each bag is a hidden gift.  

 

This immediately takes me back to my youth when my brothers and I used to badger mum to buy Kelloggs corn flakes. This was because the TV ads were promoting a free plastic toy in each pack.

The following morning we would all want cornflakes for breakfast. Each one of us hoping that the toy would drop out and into our bowl. It never did. It was always at the bottom of the pack. this resulted in the entire contents of the box being poured out over the kitchen table in order to retrieve the small plastic object of our desires. There then followed a hurried, and usually botched, attempt to get all of the cornflakes back into the box before Mum re-entered the kitchen. Almost inevitably, some cornflakes had made it onto the kitchen floor.....Mum was never impressed. But I digress

.

Shitfaced starts by thanking Threesum and, I think, an absent Zoot for arranging the T-shirts and arranging the venue for the Awards Night. Then it is straight into The Awards in no particular order.

Shitfaced announces that some Awards have been dropped this year, including Scribe of the Year; others have been combined i.e. hare of the Year and Best Lay of the Year, some have been remade and a new category of Groomer of the Year has been introduced.

 

First up is Harriet of the Year. The top three candidates name are read out and the winner, in this case the thoroughly deserving Pisswell is called up to collect her T-shirt and jolly useful bag of flour. regrettably, for all awards I cannot recall the names of those mentioned in dispatches but who fell a smidgen short of taking the top prize.

 

Hare of the Year goes to Poacher. Again, a deserving winner.

 

Hasher of the Year is awarded to Beefy, always there, reliable and many a magnificent trail to boot.

 

Newcomer of the Year goes to Pocket Rocket who is so delighted that he texts Runner Bean to rub it in. Don't you just love little brothers?

 

Best Sweetie/Drinks' Stop of the Year has many deserving contenders. My favourite was Ernie's strawberries and cream washed down with a Pimms refeshment stop. Although this was a runner up the votes had been cast and Beeflicker's wheeled pop-up bar was the winner. I am not sure that Psycho can remember much about that particular Hash.

 

Groomer of the Year goes to Pisswell - the only person to win two awards...but it might have been more.

 

On-Down of the Year is shortlisted to: The Park Inn, Beefy's Place and Tinkley Bottom. And the winner is......Tinkley Bottom! Forrest promises that he will have another firework hash there later this year!

 

Club Hasher of the Year goes to Piltdown Man for all his work in the background. At this point, the runners up are also invited up for a drink-off. The runners up are Psycho and Smellie. This is not quite your ordinary Down-Down. The trio line up behind a table. Each contestant has in front of them a half pint of beer and a half pint of water with a lemon in it. The rules....there are no rules in the Hash.......are to drink both glasses with one hand behind you back.

 

The gathered ensemble of TVH3 Hashers do not place bets and no money changes hands as this is going to be a one horse race. The dead cert is Psycho....and, let's face it, she's had enough experience this year. The thoroughbred finishes both glasses just as Smellie is starting on her water....but she is still progressing at a commendable lick. Not so Piltdown Man. Our three legged donkey has inadvertently strayed onto the course for the St Ledger. He is only one third of the way through his beer when the race is won. The Harriets have it. The Harriets have it. All rise.

 

And finally the...errrr....grand finale. Pillock of the Year. This goes to Only here for the Beer but there is no explanation forthcoming from our Master of Ceremonies as to the reason why. Maybe it was building his log cabin too close to the woods or perhaps it was the open brazier burning away next to a giant roll of hay - twice? Perhaps, we will never know?

 

Our winners then don their respective shirts for the obligatory Awards' photo for posterity and the evening is done for another year.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Pig and Whistle, Littlehempston. We haven't been there for a while. Our Hare is Best Sweetie Stop award winner - Beeflicker.

 

On-On to next week, M-P

AWARDS NIGHT AT THE HIGHWEEK INN

Run #2068 Monday 24th March Circle up 7:15 pm from the Highweek Inn, Highweek, Newton Abbot TQ12 1QA with Poacher for our AWARDS NIGHT EXTRAVAGANZA. Excitement and disappointment aplenty on this, our Oscars night of the year!

TVH3 The Words for 17th March 2025

The Devon Dumpling, Shiphay

Run No. 2067 

 

Paddy's Day Run.....and someone's birthday

 

HARE: Beefy

 

Who wuz there: Beefy, Shitfaced (in body only), Man-Pig, Piltdown Man, Beeflicker, Pisswell, Coldtits, Smellie, Miss'ing, Roger the Dodger, Well Hopped, Ernie, Sarah, Smash, Miss Mash, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Only Here for the Beer, Two Little Schitz, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Squashed Balls and AH3 visitors Gromit & Gazunder

 

Circle

Barely a Shamrock or a sign of green in the Circle to celebrate St Patrick's Day. That was up until Shitfaced tried to convene the Circle. It was, as repeated many, many times, Shitfaced's birthday....and it showed. I think that Shitfaced had enjoyed an early start celebrating. 

 

Eventually, everyone was welcomed and the GM imparted some new information. Namely a change of venue for next week's Awards' Night. The On-Down has changed to the Highweek Inn, Highweek (unsurprisingly), Newton Abbot.

 

Man-Pig had no announcements for a change but Squashed Balls did. Squashed Balls just wanted to thank all those that attended last Tuesday's funeral for Twin Buffers. There was quite a big turn out of Hashers, mainly from SH4 and TVH3. The eulogy was kind, sincere and comforting - a lovely send off for a lovely lady.

 

With that it was on to the sole Hare - Beefy. Pisswell was nowhere to be seen as this was Beefy Haring solo. I think the brief was Walkers' about 2.5, Shorts' about 3.5 and the Longs' trail sixish.

 

Trail

The evening brought with it a brisk and bitterly cold wind from the east. We were all eager to get going and warm up. Beefy promised us three Long/Short splits but delivered four...and that's excluding the initial split from the pub car park.

 

What followed was a trail so cunning that you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel. Even with the benefit of Beefy's Strava record I am having difficulty recalling exactly where we went. Suffice it to say that there were at least two long/Short splits where the Longs looped around and back onto the Shorts......very cunning indeed.

 

The Walkers turned right out of the car park whilst the Longs and the Shorts turned left, up Collaton Road and then down Cadewell Lane and past the main entrance to Torbay Hospital. Miss'ing was FRB'ing with Wet-Johnny and the Pig in pursuit. 

 

Past the hospital the trail did not a go-go and W-J and the Pig were called back to engage in a loop around Rougement Avenue, Grosvenor Avenue and Wallace Avenue; back onto Cadewell Lane to rejoin the Shorts going down Water lane....a lovely and well hidden culture-de-sac [sic]. But this was not before a lone cyclist had rode towards us shouting, "On-On". Who on earth was this? Pisswell - as it turned out.

 

Surprisingly, the Pig and Wet-Johnny found themselves FRB'ing at this point. More perplexingly, they stayed there. I have no idea where Beeflicker was, or even if he was doing the Longs? Shirley a week is long enough to recover from the Grizzly......unless you're into face-planting? (see the Pig for guaranteed ways to enhance your looks by adopting the bitmac facial massage technique). The other usual suspects were also absent. The Topiary Twins were missing so no chance of Psycho getting an 8th consecutive Down-Down and Beefy was Haring. Hence some new faces at the head of the pack.

 

At the end of Water Lane, there wa a Long/Short split....or was it a Walkers/Long & Short split? Can't remember. Don't care. We were definitely on Shiphay lane for a while and then perhaps Lloyd avenue. Anyway, in next to no time we were passing the Chineses takeaway on Queenway before an almost invisible arrow had us enter the footpath that separates the boys and girls grammar schools. We followed the marks along the no-mans' land between the metal palisade fencing. The only thought that crossed my mind was, "Would this fencing really perform a secure barrier against jumping sperm?" There is a story behind this query....and it is a true story (see me for details of incredulous naivety).

Just exiting the no-mans' land, we meet up with Beefy, Gromit and Gazunder. Gromit has recovered well from his earlier, and undisclosed, fall. 

 

We are now in a loop around the edge of a small park and probably along Raleigh Close and Grenville Avenue taking in a bit of Markham Plantation....are we heading to Cockington? Another footpath across a road and up Weeksland Road would be my guess and then up the steep track that leads onto Staddons Lea Lane. Some of these paths look familiar but I am not used to running them in this direction so I am having difficulty placing myself...until....hallelujah....Nut Bush Lane. A loop into a field parallel with Nut Bush City Limits and back across and down the track past Armada Park. 

 

At the lowest point, an arrow leads us into Armada Park. We now do three sides of a square around the submerged reservoir.

 

The marks really are quite excellent and we are soon out of the park and heading for Higher Edginswell Lane. A long descent followed by our fourth Long/Short split of three?! 

 

Back up Fowey Avenue turn right at the garden gnomes and back onto Higher Egdinswell Lane to retrace our footsteps back onto the Shorts. Then it is a straight trek along Higher Cadewell Lane and "On Home" at Collaton Road.

 

Looking at the OS map, Beefy has done jolly well. He has very nearly had us back on the outward trail by yards and he seems to have covered every footpath in Shiphay. It's not surprising that he's clocked up 15 miles laying it....fantastic. 

 

Who says that you can't have a good Hash in town? Excelllent.

 

Down-Downs

Back in the pub, it is evident that the birthday boy never actually made it out on trail. He is a tad wobbly. Hence Shitfaced gets all the right notes.....but not necessarily in the right order.

 

The second Down-Down goes to the Hare. But not for Haring. This is for delivering a wholly inaccurate pre-Hash briefing. We were all clearly advised that there would be three Long/Short splits. there were, in fact, four. Well, four for everyone except Smellie who, somehow, managed to find five L/S splits. Both were called up front and centre - a note for the mathematically challenged. Beefy also gets the only award present, the Checking Chicken Hat.

 

Are there any stories? Well Hopped has one. Unfortunately, she has had the misfortune to be sitting beside our rather wobbly GM. 

 

I think the gist of the story was that Shitfaced had asked her, on four occasions within 15 minutes, "Do you know it's my birthday today?" A rather poor chat up line and I can't recall what we sang.

There is a half pint of water left but are there any more stories?

 

Pisswell discloses that there were quite a few fallers on the Shorts' trail. These included Ernie and Strap-On. Strap-Dancer confirmed that Strap-On will sleep anywhere and at every opportunity....but cuddling up to a sleeping policeman in the middle of the road...at night! How unwise. A note for the Plod Lover.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is the AGPU....so be there! Our Hare is, once again, trail laying supremo - Poacher.

 

On-On to next week, MP

DEVON DUMPLING

Run #2067 Monday 17th 7:15 pm circle up from ye olde Devon Dumpling, 108 Shiphay Ln, Shiphay, Torquay TQ2 7BY with Beefy.

Hash fare: Curry or, vegetarian alternative £10.

Please order, and pay for, your food before the Circle.

TVH3 The Words for 10th March 2025

Maddacombe Farm barn

Run No. 2066 Revenge of the WereRabbit

 

HARES: Cheerio Beerio & Martin

 

Who wuz there: Cheerio Beerio, Shitfaced, Only Here for the Beer, Man-Pig, Forrest-Stump, Beeflicker, Beefy, Pisswell, Pocket Rocket, Poacher, Coldtits, Smellie, Psycho, Forest-Stump, Miss'ing, Melon-Picker, Soapy, Roger the Dodger, Ernie, Red Rum, Sarah, Smash, Miss Mash, Slip-on-Me, Ablesemen, Archangel, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Base Camp, Threesum and Two Little Schitz

 

Circle

Melonpicker commenced the announcements with an update on both Broken Man and Teapot. Soapy and Melonpicker had been over to see Broken Man a couple of weeks ago. Basically, he is OK and his daughters visit fairly regularly. However, Broken Man hasn't been out with any of the Hashes recently which I think we should all be aware of. The last time that I saw Broken Man on a Hash was at the South Hams pre-Xmas Hash weekend in Brixham where he was helping out with the drinks stops. All seemed well enough then so I am just a little concerned that he appears not to have been out since. Soapy & Melonpicker had also phoned Teapot. Teapot is fine and very much welcomes hearing from the Hash. However, he is still tired and his mobility does ebb and flow a little so he is looking forward to meeting up with us again as soon as his mobility improves.

 

Smellie requires Hares from 14th April onwards.

 

Man-Pig gave us a reminder of Twin Buffers' funeral arrangements as St Mary Magdalene Church, which is actually on Union Street in the Upton area of Torquay. Details should be on the TVH3 webpage and they are definitely on the SH4 webpage.

 

Soapy also has some news. The Devon Hashes are applying to host NashHash in 2027, exactly 30 years after it was first hosted in Devon.

 

Finally, Shitfaced advises that he is not available to continue in the role of GM after April due to work commitments. Are there any volunteers for this prestigious position? - you do get perks i.e. a free stick!

So, over to the Hare.

 

Cheerio explained that there were the three usual trails. The Walkers' would be about 2.5 miles, Shorts' 4 miles and Longs' maybe 5.5 miles. "The first and last part of the trail are along the same route but you will realise this when you reach it. Turn right at the road."

 

Trail

Trail? What trail?

Initially, all was well and good. We climbed Maddacombe Road up to its highest point by Foredown kennels before a large arrow has us turn right and into Kerswell Downs. Man-Pig, Forrest-Stump, Slip-on-Me and Ablesemen comprised the Walkers; the former two on account of having done The Grizzly the previous day.

 

At the edge of the wood, there was what appeared to be an arrow but it was a little indistinct. We took the broadest track up to the open part of the Downs that runs along the top of the north ridge. There were no marks. But it didn't matter. We weren't in a rush so we were happy to do our own thing.

Eventually, the open downs give way to woodland. We pass through one of the two stone walls that separate Kerswell Downs from Whilborough Common and spy our first blob of floor - but it is on our left. Are we doing the Trail in reverse?

 

The next two blobs are on the right. Then we see torchlight coming towards us. It is the FRB's (well, most of them). They have been onto Whilborough Common only to find an arrow pointing back into the woods.

 

Forrest and the Pig have lost contact with the other Walkers and are now on their own. We get onto the Common convinced that we will finds marks - but no. We elect to take the narrower of the two tracks that drop down onto Bickleigh Road near Brook Cottage and simply make our way back. It is 8.45 and we are not first back; nor are we the last back.

 

From speaking with Cheerio and viewing Miss'ing's trail map, it looks like we went wrong from the moment we entered the woods. I suspect that we should have followed the central track through Kerswell Downs, straight across Whilborough Common and then down the farm track known as Common's Lane. This joins up with Doctor Mac's Lane/Poo Lane (local names) where we should have gone right, past Long Barn, and into North Whilborough. Then, first right and up and then down Mill Lane onto Bickleigh Road opposite the Bickleigh Mill Inn.

 

Next, the Longs undertook an anticlockwise loop up the track called Compton Lane. Then its left and up Whilborough Road for a short jog until a right and up the steep track called Windmill Lane (and for good reason). At the top, there is a real windmill - but no sails alas. Left at Moles Lane and the long downhill drop towards Kingkerswell. But well before the village the marks are taking the Longs back into North Whilborough via Burnthouse Hill....at least it is downhill.

 

This is where the Longs find themselves running back on themselves to rejoin the Shorts which I am guessing was at the junction of Common's Lane and Doctor Mac's Lane.

 

Well, I don't know who did what trail wise. All I can think is that, despite the best efforts of mice and men (Cheerio Beerio & martin), they appear to have been undone overnight by the actions of the wererabbits!

 

Down-Downs

Irrespective of what sort of trail you undertook, Only Here for the Beer's hospitality was exemplary as usual. The barbecue was fired up and it wasn't cold outside. Basecamp, however, had moved the fire pit away from the hay bales.....a wise move.

 

Shitfaced was on cooking duty and doing a pretty good job of it. Miss'ing was, in fact, not Miss'ing at all. She was back at the barn and enjoying a burger and a beer....no star gazing lessons this evening sadly.

 

After most people had enjoyed a bit of scran it was Down-Down time with Forrest presiding. We start by thanking OHFB for his hospitality and the venue and then it is onto the Down-Downs.

Amazingly, there are awards present. Basecamp has the Union Jack stove hat. Almost inevitably, this went to the Hare....but there's a problem. Cheerio will be sick if she has a beer.....and beer is all that there is. There is not even a glass of water in sight. Fortunately, Cheerio has brought her own beverage. It looks like antifreeze but we are assured that it is vodka based and not ethylene glycol based. She takes a couple of swigs whilst Pork Torpedo leads us in S.H.I..Y. T.R.A.I.L.

 

Threesum has the Horned Hat. I think this might have gone to our host, OHFB. Pork Torpedo leads us into another song. I think it is, "He's the meanest. He sucks....." etc.

 

There are no more awards so Forrest blames poor old Man-Pig for taking him off trail and getting lost in his own back yard. These are, of course, mistruths. I think the real story has its origins in the Pig's failure to match fluid intake with fluid loss the previous day....and he has the scars to show for it....feckwit! I have no idea what song Pork Torpedo came up with but Mrs Man-Pig's instructions not too have a beer rather went out of the window.

 

Psycho was feeling a little under the weather and managed to avoid her seventh consecutive Down-Down so Forrest nominates himself to have a well deserved Down-Down. this is, ostensibly, for having complete the Grizzly for the seventeenth time! Well done. However, Pork Torpedo's ditty was not quite as flattering, "You're a c**t, c**t, c**t to the tune of "get a life....."

 

[I wonder if this will get through facebook's language control protocols?]

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from The Devon Dumpling, Shiphay with Beefy Haring.

 

On-On to next week, MP