MONDAY'S MAP 6TH DECEMBER

 

TALL TALES OF TWO LONGS by Man-Pig & the Bird

Run #1892 Monday 29th November

VENUE: The Village Inn, Highweek, Newton Abbot

 

HARES: Only Here for the Beer & Shitfaced

 

ROLL CALL: Only Here for the Beer, Shitfaced, Bluebird (returnee), Melon Picker, Forrest-Stump, Gaga-4-it, Ernie, Fallen Woman, Wet-Johnny, Man-Pig, Piltdown-Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Strap-On, Able Semen, Tamsin (needs a name), Beefy, Pisswell, Rambo, Zen, Big-End, Well-Hopped, Satnav, Threesum, Wetfart, Pork Torpedo & Hornie.

 

IN ABSENTIA: Arkangel, Bobbiball, most Penners, Cheerio Beerio (building kitchen)

 

THE CIRCLE

Only Here for the Beer was the named Hare for the evening's shenanigans. What we didn't know was that he had a co-conspirator - Shitfaced - recently recovered from a wrist injury (self-inflicted!). With these two in charge what could possibly go wrong?

 

Shitfaced engaged us with a rather long winded tale of how they set the trail or, more accurately, how they failed to set the trail. "What do you do if you see a Road Closed sign when setting the trail?". "Carry on", was the obvious response. For we are on foot and road signs do not apply to hashers... or do they? I guess this rather depends on whether or not you're laying the trail by car or on foot.

 

Inevitably, it proved to be the case that much of the trail had been laid with the assistance of the internal combustion engine (in 10 years time the scribe will be writing hydrogen fuel cell).

 

Yes, Shitfaced and Only Here for the Beer came up against a Road Closed sign. Despite the kindly advice of a helpful local, "The road really is closed", Dick Dastardly and Muttley drove on before coming across a huge gaping hole spanning the fill width of the carriageway. Worse still, there was no room to turn around. "Drat and Double-drat". Hence a neck wrenching half mile reverse back to the original road closed sign. Unfortunately, the helpful local was still there. A sheepish smile from Shitfaced towards the good samaritan. Now, if Only here for the Beer's car was covered in astroturf everything would have been explained.

 

Anyway, the outcome of all this was that if you see a road closed sign, ignore it, but only if you're on foot.

 

There was one Long/Short split. The Walkers' trail was completely separate from that of the Longs and Shorts. Accordingly, if the Long trail proved to be too short, just tack on the Walkers' trail at the end. This seemed a tad confusing as the Hare had previously told us that the Longs was six miles.......ho hum.

 

PART 1: MAN-PIG'S LONG

The Longs and the Shorts turned left out of the pub car park and commenced a rather long descent down Ringslade Road to the A382. At the new roundabout, Beefy and Wet Johnny checked left towards the A38 while Big End checked right back towards Newton Abbot. Although Beefy was calling, passing traffic meant that we couldn't hear what he was calling. Nevertheless, as he hadn't come back to the check we decided the he was probably "On". A canter along the A382 took us up to Forches Cross and a big arrow pointing right and onto Greycoat Lane.

 

At the bottom of Greycoat Lane, the only Long/Short split, the Longs went left towards Teigngrace whilst the Shorts took a right towards the old Exeter Road. At this point, the pack was pretty spread out. Wet-Johnny and Beefy were ahead and we couldn't hear any calling from them so they were probably a loooooooong way in front of us. The Pig had been joined by Tamsin and Big End (sans Ned) as we headed towards Teigngrace and the obvious right turn over the railway and Stover canal.

 

Marks took us right along the new cycle path. An obvious route would have been to take us straight on and across the field to join the footpath that runs along the banks of the Teign......but no marks. So it was down the Templer Way following the marks to Teign Bridge.

 

Would we be continuing down the Templer Way to Jetty Marsh road or would we be heading back towards the A382 by the Vauxhall & MG garage? The arrows don't lie and a big arrow pointed us right, along the old Exeter Road, across the A382 and up Whitehill Road. Well, we had started with a long downhill stretch on Ringslade Road so it was inevitable that we would be finishing with a reciprocal uphill slog. And this is exactly what we got from Whitehill Road.....uphill until we hit the pub!

Wet-Johnny and Beefy were only just back at the pub and were looking perplexed. "Only 3.5 miles. But Shitfaced had said it was a six miler". We discussed the route. Wet-Johnny and Beefy had done exactly the same route as ourselves and we had been "On trail" all the time. We couldn't have gone Wong Wei!

Nevertheless, Beefy and Wet-Johnny elected to tack-on the Walker's trail to make up the mileage. Man-Pig, Tamsin and Big End elected to go for a pint of beer instead.

 

Back in the pub, the number of hashers seemed lower than expected. Sure, all the Walkers were back and there would be some Longs still out on trail but what about the Shorts?

 

The only Short we'd seen was Zen whom we'd passed on the climb up Whitehill Road. Where were the others? Later, quite a long time later, Smellie, Strap-On, Ernie and Well-Hopped staggered through the front door of the pub:

 

"Where have you been?" asked the Pig.

"On the Longs", replied Smellie.

"What? till now? It was only three and a half miles", retorted the Pig.

Incredulously, Smellie queried, "Where have you been Man-Pig? The longs was five and a half miles". Smellie was quite adamant about this.

 

Further analysis of the trail revealed that a cunning plan had been conceived by the Hares. "Why don't we put in a second long short split but don't tell anybody? Put down dots the same distance from the junction in every direction and let them find out for themselves? We won't even mark it as check. The best bit is, those that do the longer trail will come back to exactly the same place. They could be going round in circles for ages!" A cunning plan indeed.

 

The net result of Dumb and Dumber's efforts was that some Longs had a jolly jape of circa 5.5 miles whilst the other Longs got away lightly with a mere 3.5 miles. Fortunately, no-one was foolish enough to repeat the loop or even retrace the outgoing trail back to the pub!

 

PART 2: THE BIRD'S LONG

Many thanks MP for manning the ramparts, shades of Beau Geste (1966) (dead legionnaires admittedly) but now, amidst screams of rage and pleas for mercy, the Bird proudly presents the upcoming epic:

 

FIVE CAME HOME (based on the TV mini series 2017)

 

Certificate HHH*

 

All day was the Bird in a state of High Anxiety (1977). After a yawning chasm of six weeks, The Return of the Living Dead (1985) was nigh. BUT would the plan actually work?

 

Oh Yes, Dearly Beloved, it was Shirley showtime and there was a lot riding on Antonio** from Papillon (1973). Failure would Shirley drive the Bird back into his bunker for a considerable time - and that would include all pre-christmas fixtures... I heard that hoorah!

 

It started badly and got worse. Striding Wong Wei (after all of twenty yards) towards the church, the Bird glanced back to see he was alone, whatamistakatomaka.

 

Skulking back onto trail, the longs and shorts had long gone - game over so soon Shirley? Grrrr. To compound his misery, it was quite a steep descent that was more than tricky and the Bird gingerly proceeded at impulse power only, shouting a curse to the skies..

 

A light ahead, a hasher walking a dog mayhap, but try as hard as he could, it proved impossible to get any closer.

 

But he was a tough old Bird and persevered. It became flatter and semi-trundle speed was applied.

'Nice to see you back, BB' came the greeting as the walking dog combo was passed, but I failed to identify the hasher, only learning later that it was Well Hopped and Ned!

 

Poor Well Hopped was also injured and unable to run after taking a tumble from her bike and cracking a rib in her back. Very painful as I can Shirley testify. Ned had a good walk though - Well Hopped appeared after we had finished and changed seventy minutes later.

 

A luridly lit roundabout loom-ed and hashers could be seen in the distance giving the Bird a chance to dance. No need to check, just follow.

 

Zen appeared in the cross-hairs and the Bird closed with menace. A few yards from triumph, Zen broke into a trot and the chance evaporated. However, Zen eventually tired of the manoeuvre and ground to a halt to admire the views and the Bird carved the first notch on his Lee-Enfield.

 

Veering right at Forches Cross, three hashers: SM Ellie, Strap-On and Pisswell were espied and a little further ahead was Ernie, he of the fastest milk cart fame. A veritable mini hash pioneering gaily along - until the manic loping Bird rudely interrupted their peaceful jaunt.

 

And so it began. The Bird surging ahead with a curious loping gait on any gradient (though unfortunately very few) and being rapidly reeled back in on any downhill where the lope could not work.

The banter was convivial indeed and hey! the Bird was back in the Fray Bentos.

 

Approach a familiar railway crossing did the querulous quintet quest with only a slight delay actually undoing the latch.

 

It was here, Oh Dearly Bemused, that the diabolical devil dice duly dispensed disaster (Six Ha!).

He who should never be named, spotted a flour scuff to the left and off we merrily went. Another (dubious) mark beside a bridge reinforced the opinion that we were Shirley on trail but...

 

Confidence began to wane as the highway was reached with no further marks and we turned to Ernie for advice and the way home as the black-attired Bird crow flies.

 

Back we spurred like madmen and a half mile later arrived - back at the railway crossing... sigh.

The Bird threw a tantrum and was loath to embark on another circuit, but gently did they cajole him once more unto the crossing - or close the wall up with our hashing dead.

 

The Groundhog Day (1993) was overwhelming as we came to that far side turn.

And there it was, as plain as plain could be, a crystal clear, ghastly white flour mark on the grass - indicating right.

 

Four pairs of eyes glared accusingly at the Bird who immediately began to wail - not with the guilt but with the realization that there was now another two miles to get to the beer.

 

Singalong with me please to the Bryan Ferry classic:

Let's stick together, come on, come on, let's stick together

You know we made a vow to leave one another never

 

And they Shirley did not leave one another, collecting Rambo on the last climb back into Highweek.

The Famous Five who had endured, received a ticker-tape welcome as they triumphantly entered the pub car park.

 

I need a beer.

 

DOWNDOWNS IN THE HIGHWEEK INN

A paucity of awards to dispense and only the Horse Head Hat on show but never mind, thine RA Forrest weaved and waffled as the seated hash scoffed their bangers and fries.

 

A sympathy award to the Bird - listed as a 'returnee' by MP, so long has he been away.

 

That old chestnut 'parking' was cited as the misdemeanour and MP was in the frame for revving and reversing his lady wife's 'Kensington canoe' in and around the slanting chariot tether.

 

The Song Master was given the nod and such was the delivery, MP choked and had difficulty recovering his composure to down the Raven abv 3.8.

 

The heavily censored version of the song herewith:

'He's stupid, he's stupid,

He's really ****ing dumb,

If it wasn't for his mother,

He'd be a spot of c**e!'

 

Two halves of Raven for the hares turned into an impromptu downdown competition with Only Here false starting and having to top up his glass which gave a slight advantage to the Grand Master to take the honour.

 

POSTSCRIPT

With Dog End poorly, Only Here for the Beer called in Shitfaced to assist. I was most relieved about the predominantly road trail and may not have ventured out if advised it was rough cross-country terrain.

 

Yes, it was mainly my mistaka that took our Band of Brothers on our unadvertised long split. 'A hasher of your experience missing that..' was Ernie's take as we sighted the clear mark second time around. But we had a fun time out there and grateful was I for the company of Strap-On, Ernie, Pisswell and SM Ellie.

 

Well done the hares!

 * As played by the late Gregory Sierra (see photo) who was Puerto Rican by descent. A frightening chase scene ensues through the jungle, with Antonio and Papillon pursued by Indian trackers with blowpipes. Antonio does not run, he lopes but is still quicker than Papillon (Steve McQueen) who runs conventionally. The scene left a lasting memory and was recalled recently when I found myself unable to run after adductor injury.

•  

** HHH = Hasher health hazard

 

On-On to next week and Manaton Village Hall; meet at the Church car park. Hare Pisswell will arrange beer and scoff so no need to BYO.

WELCOME HOME TO A REAL FIRE! by Man-Pig

TVH3 Run No. 1891 22nd November 2021

VENUE: The Keyberry, Newton Abbot

HARES: Bobbiball and Dozy Parrot

 

ROLL CALL: Bobbiball, Dozy Parrot, Forest-Stump, Arkangel, Warmfront, Wet-Johnny, Man-Pig, Broadshit, Piltdown-Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Strap-On, Mrs Strap-On, Tamsin, Triple Jump, Able Semen, Hot Lips, Zoot, Cheerio Beerio, Beefy, Pisswell, Coldtits, Rambo (now driving himself!), Roxanne, Mini-Penners (Harry & Mason? Roxanne to confirm ID), Manopause, 69'er, Zen, Big-End, Well-Hopped, Satnav, Threesum, Wetfart, Only here for the Beer, Piddler.

 

IN ABSENTIA: Bluebird (Mum poorly) and Shitfaced (hurt his wrist!)

 

THE CIRCLE

Brrrrrr. Wasn't it cold on Monday night? Temperatures back to the November norms so wasn't it nice to come back to a nice warm pub with roaring fire? Lovely and snug!

Now, on to the Circle. Announcements comprised Threesum plugging raffle ticket sales with Able Semen actually undertaking the sales in the pub afterwards. Man-Pig announced something about the Movember Foundation for men's health but then deferred everything till next week due to Bobbiball failing to bring the sponsorship form. Then it was over to the Hares.

 

First the excuses. "Bluebird was supposed to help me but he cried off at 1 o'clock. What could I do?" Well, he requisitioned Dozy Parrot to help him, but it was getting dark by the time they finished so it was not as long as planned; about three and a half miles and no Long/Short splits. Everyone would do the same trail but, if you fancied a walk, just follow Bobbi and Dozy Parrot. "Whatever you do, do not run through a cross or you will be on the return trail and you'll be back in the pub before you know it. Go around the lake again." Bobbi mentioned something about the trail having been laid in both flour and sawdust. Bobbi then finished his spiel with those immortal and reassuring words, "Good luck"

.

THE TRAIL

Chilly hashers warmed up slowly by cantering across the road from the Keyberry to pick up the first marks. After two lampposts, it was left down a ginnel and onto the edge of Decoy Country Park playing fields. We skirted around the playing fields till we came upon the first check. We entered into Decoy woods (actually called Blackball Plantation) with Warmfront in pole position and calling "On-On". A meander through the woods/plantation and we were out on a track on the other side of the woods. An ideal place for a check but there was none.....or was there?

 

If you peered very hard, you could just see some flour under a pile of leaves. This was not as a result of hash sabotage. It had been a dry and blustery day and in the 3 hours since the trail had been laid the wind has simply blown the dry leaves over the check.

 

To our right was a track that would have taken us up to Coach Road. Wet-Johnny and Pisswell had checked this out, but no marks. Warmfront had checked directly ahead and had come back after finding only two marks. Wait a minute, didn't Bobbiball say something about "Two and On"? On-On it was.

We exited Blackball Plantation and commenced the ascent up the edge of Decoy Brake before hitting tarmac above Abbotskerswell. Would we go right towards the cemetery or left towards Abbotskerswell?

 

The arrows don't lie and an arrow in flour had us heading towards Abbotskerswell. Torchlight ahead of me - Warmfront and Beefy. Torchlight behind me - Big End. Initially we were on the level, but after 300 yards we commenced a steep decline into Abbotskerswell and, another arrow. What goes down must Shirley go up? And so we did.

 

A sharp left and uphill towards Abbotskerswell Priory. Just as we levelled off, a large arrow, about four yards to our left, took us onto a well hashed public footpath across fields that once belonged to Priory Farm. However, despite being well hashed territory, the dark left some hashers disorientated.

Beefy was just behind us as we ascended away from Abbotskerswell but as we turned left and traversed the first of three fields on our way back to Blackball Plantation, we could see reflections of torchlight on the road above us. Beefy had missed the arrow and was now continuing towards the Priory. But Beefy was not the only one to miss the arrow. Roxanne and the mini-penners also carried on past the Priory, down Priory Road, until they joined the Kingskerswell Road and bumped into Beefy coming the other way.

 

Roxanne and co. thought that they were on Coach Road in Newton Abbot. Once it was established that they were, in fact, half way between the pub and Kingskerswell, they decided to stay on the Kingskerswell Road and make a beeline for the pub. As for Beefy, I know nothing. The next we saw of Beefy was in the pub. Did you make it back on trail Beefy?

 

Back in the fields just below Hennaborough, Warmfront and Big End were getting a move on and leaving the Pig for dead. Re-entering Blackball Plantation, I thought that it would be a simple trail down the broad track that would hit Kingskerswell Road 200 yards south of the pub. Wrong. Another arrow directing us northwest up the edge of the plantation. I could hear Warmfront calling, but no sign of torchlight in the woods.

 

The trail led up and then arced right in a large loop to rejoin the broad track. Bugger! I should have kept going and saved myself a half-mile loop. Nonetheless, the marks were very good. I could not hear any calling so I assumed that Warmfront and Big-End were already back at the pub....and so they were.

A nice little run that many commented was well laid and they enjoyed running it. There you go Bobbi.....no need to have worried. Thankyou Hares.

THE DOWN-DOWNS

Forrest Stump assumed the RA'ing duty for the evening. The pub was an incredibly comforting environment with its lovely open fire after the first cold run of autumn. Just as welcoming was the sausage and chips put on by the pub for a very Hash friendly £3 a head.

 

Forrest commenced the Down-Downs by calling on Smellie to come up and name and shame. She recounted some very ungentlemanly behaviour from one our most innocuous and polite Hashers, Wet-Johnny! Not far into the trail a speeding Wet-Johnny had cut across in front of Smellie tripping her up. What a cowardly act. Regrettably, Wet-Johnny had already headed home so Smellie awarded the Jester's hat to Roxanne for his red light.

 

The second Down-Down was not accompanied by a physical award....just a story. Forrest recounted a tale about a big yellow Lorry (is that a Susan Vega song?) and a very small parking space. After several attempts, the lorry moved a further 20 yards down the road and parked in a huge space on the side of the road. Accordingly, a Down-Down to Pisswell for "Perfect Parking".

Arkangel mentioned something about someone leaping out of the bushes and smacking Forrest in the face causing him to fall.........or did he just fall over without any assistance from anyone else? Who knows? I don't think a Down-Down was actually awarded for this misdemeanour.

 

Forrest was wearing the Hashshit shirt and was looking for suitable recipients. Prior to the Down-Downs we were chatting with Cheerio Beerio and asking if she was enjoying hashing. "Oh yes", was the reply. "I am even going to buy some hash haberdashery". We wished we hadn't asked. For the next 20 minutes, Cheerio happily waded through Zoot's haberdashery catalogue. "Do you like that one? What colour shall I have? Long sleeve or short sleeve? Technical or cotton?". It went on for ages.

 

However, there was a fly in the ointment. When asking about long sleeve or short sleeve it was noted that she was looking at the Hats' page! Despite encouragement, and even a vote from the floor to remove her top/bottom before donning the Hashshit shirt, we saw nothing more revealing than a smile.

Finally, a Down-Down for each of the Hares and a thank you to the pub for their hospitality and the beer. I was truly sorry to see that there was only one local in the pub when the Hash arrived. The hospitality industry has had a torrid time over the past 18 months. I hope that the Keyberry's trade picks up later in the week, many pubs don't even open on a Monday these days. The pub looked after us very well. We must use it again sometime.

 

On-On to next week and the Highweek Inn, Highweek, Newton Abbot. Hare Only here for the Beer.....expect a long one - no, not the trail - a long time in the pub!

TO HAL(DON) AND BACK! by Man-Pig

RUN #1890 Monday 15th November

 

VENUE: King William IV, Totnes

HARE: Wet (himself)-Johnny

 

ROLL CALL: Wet-Johnny, Man-Pig, Shit-Faced, Piltdown-Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Strap-On, Tamsin & partner, Alexis and partner, Triple Jump, Able Semen, Hot Lips, Zoot, Cheerio Beerio, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Beefy, Pisswell, Coldtits, Rambo, Roxanne, Mini-Penners (Harry, Ilya + another 4), Manopause, Big-End & Ned, Well-Hopped, Satnav, Threesum, Wetfart, Only here for the Beer......and all of Haldon Hash! (see later)

 

IN ABSENTIA: Bluebird (injured) and Bobbiball (growing a 'tache)

 

THE CIRCLE

We circled up outside what I believe is a new On-Down for Teign Valley - The King William IV pub. There was no need to be apprehensive with regards, "Would the pub be hash friendly?" as the landlord, Rob, was the former landlord of the Dartmouth Inn at the bottom of town. Announcements were brief. Shitfaced announced that he had tickets for sale for the TVH3 Xmas party - £7 members, £12 non-members. Threesum announced that she had draw tickets and Fallen Women confirmed that there would be fish and chips at her annual Brixham Christmas Carol hash (13 December); please pay £6 in advance for the fish and chips and BYOB. No virgins or other announcements so it was over to the Hare, Wet-Johnny.

 

The trail would be about 2 miles for the Walkers; 4 for the Shorts and 6 for the Longs; there are two Long/Short splits. There would also be a sweetie stop. "Go".

 

THE TRAIL

The trail took us down Station Road towards Morrisons' petrol station and then right towards Brutus Bridge. The usual suspects of Beefy and Big End took the lead with Smellie in a surprising third place; no doubt on a mission to burn off Friday night's Chinese takeaway!

 

Just before Brutus Bridge, an arrow directed us down onto the footpath on the banks of the Dart. Here the marks became jolly difficult to see amongst the fallen leaves. Wet-Johnny had used sawdust instead of flour on this stretch. this was so as to avoid marks in flour being eaten by dog walkers! I think he meant the dog walkers' dogs. The head torches dimmed behind us as the three FRB's blazed their way to the first Long/Short split which was at the lower entrance to Dartington Hall.

 

An arrow directed the Longs into Nellie's Wood and an uphill arc which exited into a flat field on high ground. The trail meandered along two sides of the field before an arrow directed us over a locked gate.

As we climbed over the gate, we could just see torches entering the field some 400 yards behind us...."The mini-Penners" we guessed. A peculiar concrete track consisting solely of two strips of concrete, an axle-width apart from each other, traversed a large open and relatively flat field. I'm not exactly sure that this was a public footpath. On exiting this field, we rejoined tarmac and also joined up with Haldon Hash.

 

The marks were a little confusing and blurred at this point. I had assumed (incorrectly) that the plethora of marks included the second Long/Short split. That was until a helpful Shortie (Haldon H3) said, "You're going straight down the road Man-Pig". And so we did, meeting most of Haldon Hash, looking perplexed, coming the other way.

 

At Shinner's Bridge, more confusing blurred marks until we worked out that the blurs were where Haldon had differentiated their marks by marking them with an "H". The blurs were where the "H's" had been kicked out. Satisfied that we were on trail, Big-End and I crossed the A385 and commenced the ascent up to the Cott Inn.

 

At the top of this ascent is a footp[ath on the left that drops back down into Totnes. It was bound to be this one. It wasn't. The trail took us right and behind the Cott Inn until we came to a cross. We had missed a check. Doubling back we found a kicked-out check and a narrow footpath that took us down to Redlake Cross and away from Totnes. "How far is Wet-Johnny taking us?" I cried.

 

At Redlake Cross, an arrow directed us left and uphill. At the first junction, it was right towards Copland and Peek Plantation. Then the final check, but not kicked out - most peculiar as Beefy always religiously kicks out all the checks.

 

Unbeknown to us, Beefy had run straight past this check and was now heading towards Follaton House on an unmarked trail. We were soon on a spur off Coplands Lane. Sure enough, at the point where the spur joins Coplands Lane, an arrow had us cantering down Coplands Lane to the bottom of the Western Bypass which would be the "On-Home".....or was it? Big End was sure that we'd only done one Long. I was sure that we'd done two Longs. We would find out soon enough.

 

Crossing the Western Bypass, Wet-Johnny greeted with a tin of Cadbury's Celebrations. Pointing up the Western Bypass, the hare gave out the dread news: "Take a big breath. The second Long is up there." It can't be far I thought.....turn left at the top of town near the closed Kingsbridge Inn. Wrong again.

We had to continue the ascent to K2 (OK, the Old Toll House) before the relief of an arrow taking us down Fishchowter's Lane to Moat Hill. At Moat Hill an arrow pointed left....uphill again, but not for long, before another arrow took us down a pretty much obscured narrow footpath near Magdelene Close and through Grove Close and thence Victoria Road. We arrived back at the car park bang on 8.30. But, where was Beefy?

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

The Down-Downs commenced with thanking Rob, the Landlord, for the beers and his hospitality. The RA passed on a message from Forrest Stump apologising for his absence and the corresponding absence of the Hashshit shirt. Forrest had been compelled to attend rehearsals for the pantomime. "Oh no he wasn't" was the retort from the baying hashers.....I hate Christmas! On to the Down-Downs:

First up was Wet-Johnny as Hare. Once again an excellent trail and well marked. And this despite the overlap with Haldon Hash. Hence a note for "To Hal(don) and Back".

 

The second award was going to be a virtual award until Wet-Johnny produced the Jester's Hat and gave it to Arkangel to award. Arkangel came up with some off-Hash story about bumping into Smellie outside a Chinese takeaway on Friday night. Accordingly a note for "Smerrie....shee too broo...." etc etc in a Chinese accent. All very politically correct!

 

Eventually Pisswell arrived at the pub to award the Horses' Head Hat. This was given to Wet-Johnny for placing checks near pools of urine. Hence a note for, "Wet-himself-Johnny".

 

Two more Down-Downs to dish out, albeit without any accompanying award. Did anyone have any stories? Eventually a timid Satnav relayed a tale of our GM asking Wetfart if he was a member? Wetfart has been hashing with Teign Valley for just shy of 30 years! A note for, "He who should have gone to SpecSavers".

 

In the absence of any more stories, it was decided to award the last Down-Down to Rob the Landlord for his hospitality. He had always run a Hash friendly pub down at the Dartmouth Inn and it looks as though this will now continue at the King William IV. Thank you, Rob.

 

ON ON to next week and the Keyberry Arms, Decoy, Newton Abbot. Hare Bobbiball.....all together now, "Bobbiball, Bobbiball, Bobbiball......."

MONDAY 15TH LOCATION MAP

 

FORREST'S FIREWORK HASH & ROADKILL STEW

TVH3 Run No. 1889 8th November 2021

VENUE: Tinkley Bottom, Teign Valley

HARES: Forrest Stump & Man-Pig

 

ROLL CALL: Forrest Stump (chef), Wood-Lend (pyromaniac), Man-Pig, Shit-Faced, T-Humper, iPoo'd, Just Coming, Piltdown-Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Strap-On, Mrs Strap-On, Kermit & partner, Triple Jump, Gaga4It, Anne, Julie, Cheerio Beerio, Able Semen, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Beefy, Pisswell, Coldtits, Rambo, Roxanne, Mini-Penners (3), Wet-Johnny, Big-End & Ned, Well-Hopped, Swinger, The Last of the Homohecians (returnee), Ernie (TamarH3), Warm Front, Arkangel, Only Here For the Beer. A few missed in the firelight, my apologies.

IN ABSENTIA: Bluebird (injured) and Bobbiball (headache)

 

 

THE CIRCLE

A fantastically mild and dry Movember evening welcomed TVH back to Tinkley Bottom for what is becoming an established annual event, Forrest's Firework and Roadkill Stew Hash.

The weather had been so dry that no-one had any difficulty in parking in, or exiting from, Forrest's freshly mowed meadow. The Circle announcements comprised Shitfaced advising us that he had tickets for the Christmas Party on Friday 10th December and that was about it. Over to the Hare(s) i.e. Man-Pig as Forrest wanted to concentrate on gastronomy or was that drugging the cat?

Man-Pig announced that this would Shirley be a short trail for a change. This was because we wanted to get everyone back for Forrest's famous roadkill stew and the fireworks. Marks maybe a little confusing as Forrest had laid his parts of the trail in almost invisible sawdust whilst Man-Pig has opted for easy to see flour. 

 

At the Long and Short/Walkers' split, the Walkers would go uphill until they got tired and simply turn around and return from whence they came. At the next split, the Long/Short split, the Shorts would go up a footpath that joined up with the Walkers' trail. The Longs would continue uphill and follow the marks....or lack thereof. Walkers, Longs and Shorts would all be returning via the outward trail - DO NOT GO ROUND AGAIN! Longs circa 4 miles. Shorts nearer 3. Walkers - turn around when you feel like it.

 

THE TRAIL

The trail took us along the edge of the Teign in Forrest's meadow before joining the track that runs in front of Forrest's friendly neighbours. 

 

The first check had Beefy going up towards Trusham only to find a cross. Most hashers ran straight across and continued up the disused Teign Valley railway line. Not surprising really as the check had been kicked out in that direction. However, they all eventually returned as the real trail took us over Crocombe Bridge, across the Teign Valley road, and up towards Hennock.

 

At Leigh Cross, the Walkers veered to the right and up to Teign Village. However, the Walkers' mark was almost invisible having been in sawdust and some Walkers, including Fallen Woman, missed it and carried on - unaware that they were now on the Long and Shorts' trail. The marks alternated between left and right depending on which way Forest was driving at the time and this should have kept hashers on their toes.

 

A little further up the hill, the Shorts trail led up a footpath to the right whilst the Longs continued ever upwards to a check at the next crossroads. However, the check had been partially sabotaged to look like a 'C'. Most of the Longs correctly assumed that the trail continued straight up. However, one Harriet, Swinger, followed the line of the main road to the right. This meant that she arrived at the check at Five lanes from the wrong direction having run through a cross!

 

At the Five Lanes junction, there were a few hashers awaiting divine guidance from the Hare. The Hare pointed them up the relatively obscured public footpath that took them up to Chericombehead.

Strap-On also advised that three hashers had carried straight on (towards Furzeleigh Cross) and had not come back! Sure enough, a minute or so later, Well-Hopped, Big End, Ned and another came cantering back having encountered two crosses! All back on trail it was a simple climb to Chericombehead Cross and another check. 

 

For the first time on trail, we were now embarking on a downhill. Down Bell Lane on the descent into Hennock and the penultimate check just across from the Palk Arms (temporarily closed due to illness).

Two arrows directed us down towards Teign Village but, before reaching the village, the last check had us climbing over a rather obvious stile and traversing a field before exiting back onto the same road just above Teign Village. Here I caught up with Rambo who seemed perfectly happy on a simple trail. We elected to walk the last mile back to the bonfire. We could hardly miss it, illuminating half the valley.

All safely back and accounted for, it was time for Roadkill Stew!

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

The Down-Downs were temporarily delayed due to a logistics issue with the On-Down. Forrest had run out of beer!!!!!! 

 

Man-Pig donated his only bottle of Samuel Smiths IPA and Shitfaced liberated two cans of Copperberg from T-Humper. Eventually we had four drinks to award which were all a ghastly amalgam of beer and cider!

 

Triple Down-Downer of the previous week, Smellie, gave the Horse's head hat to Pisswell. Apparently Pisswell had confessed to Smellie that she had asked Beefy to buy her a strap on. Despite protestations that something had been lost in translation, namely that the strap-on was in-fact a head-torch, the Down-Down went to "Vibra-Girl".

 

Smellie also had the Hashshit shirt to award. Her first choice had been Ernie who had already gone home - presumably in his milk cart. Thus a story ensued about a friendly moggy that had followed Smellie into the bathroom. What a nice little cat, Smellie thought to herself. But then the amorous moggy got a little too friendly. Had it been on the catnip or had Forrest been drugging his pussy and plying her with homegrown narcotics? Accordingly a Down-Down to the "Pussy-Plier".

 

There were no more awards to be allocated but there were two more beers/ciders to allocate. "Has anyone got any stories?" the cry went out. 

 

Strap-On asked who owned a blue Honda Jazz as they'd left the keys in the driver's side door. Arkangel sheepishly came forward and a note was called for, "Grand Theft Auto".

 

One Down-Down still to award and the Hare wanted to know who had kicked out the first check in the wrong direction? There was a lot of girlie giggling going on from the pair of Harriets that were sat on the bales. Swinger eventually out-giggled Well-Hopped so it was a note for "The Guy" on the hash nearest to Guido Fawkes' nacht.

 

The Down-Downs completed, Forrest issued instructions to Wood-Lend to commence the cornucopia of pyrotechnics. This consisted of a pretty good display of what I'm guessing was a single box package brought along by Able Semen. It went on for ages. There were a few rockets, but these were 2018 vintage so I'm not sure that they all went off. And that pretty much concluded the evening.

 

Many thanks to Forrest for his hospitality, the Roadkill Stew and the fantastic bonfire. At the end of the evening, the eagle eyed had spied that some of the bonfire was burning with a distinctly green glow. I think that there was some copper cable in there somewhere?

 

On-On to next week and Wet-Johnny's trail from the King William pub, Totnes....half way up Fore Street on the right hand side.

 

ON-ON

 

POST SCRIPT ACCOMMODATION PLEA: Returnee, The Last of the Homohecians, has an Australian friend who is returning to Australia via the UK after having spent time working abroad. She has two dogs and is looking for accommodation for circa 3 months by which time the Australian authorities should be in a position to let the dogs into the country. Additionally, has anyone got Homohecian's contact details as I forgot to ask him for them!

"THE AYES HAVE IT. THE EYES HAVE IT" by Man-Pig

Run #1888 Monday 1st November from the Devon Arms

 

HARES: Smellie's virgin lay assisted by Pollyfella and Coldtits

 

As incredulous as it sounds, this was Smellie's virgin lay!!! How on earth has she managed to get away with it for so long?

 

Nevertheless, the 10 year delay in laying a trail was more than compensated for in content. It included a great trail, a pub stop, a view point, a punch stop, a fancy dress competition, a rarely seen triple Down-Down for the Hare and, finally, a criminal investigation into who had had their hands all over Smellie's a**e during the course of the evening.

 

Congratulations to all who turned out in fancy dress...fantastic. The Park Inn contingent were clearly carrying on from Saturday night's Halloween Party in the pub and some of the outfits and make-up were simply brilliant. Well done.

 

Now, I have been told to keep the recount of the trail brief. In fact Coldtits has asked me to sum it up in Warmfront's own words, "Great trail. Well marked. I enjoyed it".....nuff said. However, for those that are maybe interested, this is where I think the trail took us. I offer the following:

 

Unsurprisingly, last year's Ladies' Grizzly Winner, Warmfront, led from start to finish. This despite having cycled over from Chudleigh for the occasion. The trail took us down Northumberland Place and to an early Long/Short split. The Longs continued across the Den and turned left on the Promenade.

We must have looked a bizarre sight to all non-hashers as we ran past them in our fancy dress. Warm front's waif like figure continued to move further out in front till we came to the next check at the end of the Promenade. An "On-On" guided us up and up and up East Cliff Walk and past a View Point that I am sure would have been spectacular by day!

 

Half way up East Cliff Walk, there was a second Long/Short split and I think this is where we may have parted company with the majority of the original Longs. The dedicated Longs continued up East Cliff walk and, by the time we reached tarmac, there was no more sign of the shadows of Warmfront's torch in front of me. But there were shadows behind me. This was Beefy catching me up. His biggest impediment though was his choice of headwear...a welding mask with skeletonised teeth painted on the front. This looked very impressive but it also meant that Beefy couldn't see a damn thing unless he was using a carbon-arc light as his means of illumination!

 

Somewhere behind Beefy was an injured Wet Johnny. No doubt Big End and Well-Hopped were also on the Longs (they Shirley were) so I'm guessing there were just the six of us on the long Longs.

Arrows took us right a few yards east along Dawlish Road before another arrow had us turn left and up Oak Hill Cross Road. This was another uphill climb onto Holcombe Down. It wasn't long before tarmac gave way to a farm track. I am sure that we've run down this in the past on a Poacher or Bluebird trail but I don't recall ever having run up it. The marks were good. In fact, suspiciously good, especially considering that it had been raining earlier in the day.

 

The reason for the "apparently fresh marks" was that the trail had originally been laid the previous day. So as to ensure that no-one would get lost, Polyfella had been out re-laying the Long from 5 to 8 pm. Fantastic dedication from the co-hare. Some of the marks turned out to be less than an hour old!

At almost the highest point on Holcombe down, we rejoined tarmac near Woodlands Farm. Our uphill travails were now rewarded with a two mile downhill, all tarmac descent back to the pub stop at the Kings Arms. The descent followed Woodway Road down to the A379/Dawlish Road where we caught up with the Shorts. By the time we reached the Kings Arms, the Longs had covered just over 4 miles.

There was still another Long/Short leg to do after the pub stop, rumoured to be about 3 miles but it would include the punch stop. However, a pint of Legend (they only had Jail and Doom Shirley) in the Kings Arms meant that I wimped out and took the Walker's route to the Devon Arms and the bit of a hoot that ensued therein.

 

Over to you Bluebird. Do not forget to mention the November challenge!

 

Thanks MP, I was hoping you had forgotten about that, but mention it I Shirley must. First I shall whet your appetites with Much Ado About Nothing:

 

The Bird lingered in that Twilight World betwixt life and death, loath to leave his beloved hashing haven.

 

Dishevelled was his plumage and grey his visage, was this the end of the Bird Shirley?

 

Please singalong with me - you know you want to - to the melancholy chords of Barbara Allen:

 

He turned his face unto the wall

And death was in him wellin'

"Goodbye, goodbye to my hashing friends all

Be good to Bluebird, please no weepin'."

 

Oh Yes, Dearly Beloved, the Bird originally had no intention of venturing out whilst he could not fly and he had already entered into sulk mode as his spiral into oblivion commenc-ed.

 

However, sanity was restored and salvation gained after a call from the Rottenfuhrer himself on Sunday. A lift in der Panzerkampfwagen vas too tempting to refusa und Der Blaue Vogel was back in the game.

 

A rummage through the refuse sacks provided the outfits for the Blues Brothers: Michael Myers and the werewolf gone wrong - both attired in the one-use disposable overalls - still in use after fifteen years.

Few can recall the infamous cabbage fight at the AGPU from the Keyberry yonks ago, believed to have been started by Blaster or was it Flip-Flop? An aggrieved Poacher shouting 'Oi, you haven't paid for them yet!'

 

But I digress again, you really shouldn't start me off - back to the Halloween Hash...

 

The Halloween roll:

GM Shitfaced, Piltdown, Georgie, Able, Triple Jump, Julie, Ali, Man-Pig, Bobby, BB, Beefy, Coldtits, Polyfella, SM Ellie, Screwed & Bella, Big End, Well Hopped, Forrest, Rambo, I-Poo'd, T Humper, Strap-On, Ann, Fallen Woman, 3Sum, Gaga4It, Warm Front, Wet Johnny, Manopause and BroadS giving a Dirty Gertie thirty Fancy dress hashers..

 

The de rigueur photo pose was eventually captured for posterity by a helpful pub goer, enabling Michael Myers to join the Halloweeners.

 

Various snippets were delivered to the Halloween huddle and duly were we dispatched for tricks or treats. The longs disappeared without the melancholy Bird who joined the shorts and walkers for a night tour of the sands.

 

Entertaining wild thoughts of flight, the feckless one attempted take-off speed along the promenade. Abject failure was the inevitable result and also ensured further demotion to the walkers' route much to the dismay of those in the immediate vicinity.

 

The climb out of town started the wailing. 'Where's the beer stop Bobby?' Able took the lead and led the Blues Brothers, Gaga4It and Ann onwards to their collective fate.

 

Rejoining the main road, the bizarre sight of the welding masked, butcher be-aproned Beefy hurtled past, closely pursued by a sinister black-robed figure clutching a Lee Marvin Paint Your Wagon topper.

Stumbling into the Kings Arms beer stop, a suspiciously large number of 'walkers' were already ensconced, giving rise to the awful thought that they had made their way directly to the haven withouta partaking of the actual trails. Oh cutta my lying tongue out, Shirley not..

 

The Lee Marvin hatted one had had enough and abandoned the long, admirably succumbing to the lure of the ale.

 

Also taking an early bath, Myers and Rambo headed for Finn McCools chippy to carb up and He who could get lost in a broom cupboard was shepherded back through a maze of alleys to the main event - the Devon Arms and Gun Dogs galore! Didulikethat? No, well...

 

The Chuckle Brothers were unleashed upon their captive audience as soon as the Star of the Show SM Ellie came through the door and I shall attempt to relate the hilarity that ensued. This will have to be from memory as time is pressing (I am currently painting my rusty fridge and the exercise is becoming tricky Oh Dearly rust priming, paint everywhere lovers everywhere)...

 

Straight man RA Forrest proved to be the perfect foil for outrageous double entendre comic Man-Pig.

I've seen a few Triple Downdowns in my time but never for a harriet and SM Ellie made hash history in not only being nominated but actually downing the three ales! Olé! olé! olé!

 

Coldtits was awarded a full supporting cast hare DD before a naming took place and words fail me, Oh Dearly Ribald and Rumbustious everywhere..

 

A telescope for bird-watching and fine (take your pick: Great, Blue, Coal, Long-tailed, Marsh, Penduline, Willow, Crested, Bearded) tits spotted were the gist of the delivery, but you had to have been there to appreciate the flow... sigh.

 

CHEERIO BEERIO was finally voted the hash handle to be given to Ali, she of the rosy cheeks and doll's make-up and those innocent wide eyes captivated as she swerved the beer as per her naming and downed a water with Forrest helpfully taking the beer instead.

 

The fancy dress prizes went to Strap-On (much needed wipes to remove the caked make-up), Fallen Woman for her witch costume and the star prize was for the professionally made-up T Humper (jointly with I-Poo'd I believe), both fine efforts - and everyone else who adagogo!

 

The title:  "THE AYES HAVE IT. THE EYES HAVE IT" a tribute to Gaga4It's novel necklace of eyeballs which lit up for even more allure.

 

Another personal favourite outfit was the ghoulish Grand Master's (two) masks and natty waistcoated get-up. I'm still in the dark as to the identity of a couple of hashers though I think they were Julie and Triple Jump.

 

Ahh, nearly forgot, after a Doom and three Gun Dogs (not driving Ha!) I was left vulnerable to accepting the November tache challenge with MP and Forrest... sigh So be it, game on but we've all agreed that Archangel will not be counted as it would be most unfair!

 

Phew! That's it and very well done SM Ellie and your assistants Coldtits and Polyfella for laying the trails and providing a great evening's entertainment for us.

 

ON ON to next week and Forrest's Firework frenzy from Tinkley in the Teign Valley - details to follow.