THE ART OF DELEGATION by Manpig
The
word 'friend', in my humble opinion, is one of the most abused words in
the English language. Rather like elastic, it's definition can be
extended to mean almost whatever you want. Usually, if you see an
acquaintance speaking with someone you do not recognise and you ask,
"Who was that you were just speaking to?" "Oh! Just a friend", is the
most frequent answer. However, probing deeper you find that the word
friend has many meanings:
debt collector
drug dealer
embarrassing relative
ex-partner
new partner
bit on the side
work college
someone from your past
or, yes, simply a friend from a sphere of your life that the enquirer is not privy to.
So
it was with this week's trail. The Hare was advertised as being
"Shitfaced and Friends". What sort of friends? Drinkers or runners?
Possibly both. Ex-lovers perhaps? Anything is possible with the alter
ego that is Bluebell. The friends turned out to be Bluebird and Man-Pig.
Not necessarily the worst choice in the world as they should be
familiar with the opportunities for trails afforded by the locality.
Shitfaced's
new friends were recruited in the time-honoured fashion in which all
Hares are press-ganged......errrrr.....I meant encouraged...... to
volunteer. Namely wait for an opportune moment. Preferably when they've
had a beer or two. And this proved to be the case. Man-Pig and Bluebird
were recruited at the Lord Nelson after the previous week's
hash....perfect timing.
At
1pm on the Bank Holiday Monday iPoo'd, Shitfaced, Man-Pig and Bluebird
met in the car park of the Wild Goose. Man-Pig had sketched out a
potential trail and had also created a map of Bluebird's run from the
same venue about a year ago. On paper today's trail looked a little
further, but not by much. Shitfaced and iPoo'd volunteered to do the
Walkers' trail, Bluebird the Shorts and Man-Pig drawing the Short, or
should that be the Long, straw? We reckoned on being back in the car
park in an hour and a half.
Many
hands make light work and Shitfaced, iPoo'd and Man-Pig arrived back at
the Wild Goose almost bang on the hour and a half mark. But where was
the Bird? A phone call and text message failed to make contact with the
elusive Bird. Had he pulled into Coombe Cellars for a swifty or had he
collapsed on trail? If the latter, he would easily be located. All we
had to do was follow the dots.
7pm and the Bird proved to be alive and well as we reunited in the Wild Goose car park. Trails all laid. No problems?
Bank
Holidays can be a hit and miss affair for all Hashes. How many people
would turn up? Would everyone be away on holiday which would dictate low
numbers? Or, would Hashers bring visiting family and friends from far
and wide, thus swelling numbers? Only time would tell. As it transpired
about 30 arrived.
The
small car park filled rapidly with the usual dancing on ice
choreography of vehicles swirling around each other. Quite cathartic to
watch them actually. The exception being Piltdown Man. For some unknown
reason he decided that he was going to park in a hedge. Maybe his car
had an itch that needed scratching? Just like Balloo in the Jungle Book,
Piltdown took to rubbing the side of his car up and down the hedge.
This took away the itch and also a coating of paint.
Circle
called to order. One virgin, Christina, brought by Natalie, duly
anointed by Teapot with the Hare's flour (1.5kg bag £0.70 Co-Op, £0.45
Lidl). Shitfaced, as official hare, confirmed that there was a Walkers',
Shorts' and Longs' trail. Walkers' about 2.5 miles.
Over
to Bluebird and Man-Pig for the Shorts and the Longs. Bluebird
announced an inaccurate 4.3 miles for the Shorts. It proved to be 5
miles. Man-Pig was even more useless, "I wasn't wearing my GPS". The
Longs was anyone's guess but Looooooooong was probably a fair bet. With
anticyclonic weather (cloud cover for you and me), and some tracks
having a dense canopy of foliage, Man-Pig recommended the use of torches
for those that had them - especially on the Longs. But who was going to
do the Longs? The usual FRB's of Wet-Johnny, Wood-Lend and Forest-Stump
were absent. However, newly named Red Raw would Shirley rise to the
challenge? Ergo Archangel; slow and steady but almost always a total
commitment to the Longs. And, "What about Beefy?" - still absent. We
implore you to return....soon.
The
Pig's despair at the absence of the usual FRB's was somewhat
ameliorated, or should that be compounded, by the appearance of Deep
Throat and Grinder. Now, there are fast FRB's and there are bloody fast
FRB's. Deep Throat and Grinder definitely fit into the latter class. At
the other end of the scale, Rambo was kind enough to defer to the Hare's
request that he restrict himself to the Walkers' Trail for the evening;
it was going to be pretty dark by 8.30, particularly with the cloud
cover.
Off,
down through Coombe-in-Teignhead, past the Wild Goose. Bear right and
then left to Coombe Cellars. For the first of several times during the
evening we were overtaken by the flying duo of Deep Throat and Grinder.
They had checked the wrong way, and this set the scene for a recurring
feature of their evening's adventure. Past Coombe Cellars and a left
onto the public footpath that diagonally traverses two recently
harvested fields of maize. A Long/Short split had cunningly been laid on
the far side of the 5 bar gate. The net result of which was that Tear
Arse and some of the FRB's missed it and continued on along the banks of
the Teign.
At
the first crossroads on Cross Park the Long/Shorts and the Walkers'
trails merged. Albeit with Teapot seemingly doing it in reverse. No sign
of Shitfaced whom, it was assumed, was chaperoning the Walkers.
Although I did have my doubts, noting that Shitfaced was wearing
flip-flops in the car park and muttering about leaving his car there
overnight.
A
right turn and down a narrow lane towards Tuckett's Farm. The next mark
should have taken us left and across someones' driveway and along the
fenced public footpath exiting at Netherton. However, it looked to have
been erased so Man-Pig relaid it. You guessed it, Grinder and Deep
Throat had overrun it.
At
Netherton there was a deviation from the planned route. The Bird should
have worn his glasses. Man-Pig and Arkangel took a short cut with
Man-Pig stating, "I'd better wait here. I'll catch you up". Back-Runners
and the Shorts duly filed past: Pisswell and virgin, Teararse, Soapy,
Coldtits and, bringing up the rear, Melon-Picker....or was it the rear?
Yet again our misguided duo of Grinder and Deep Throat had gone wong-wei
and were motoring at a luny pace to make up lost ground.
We
commenced our long climb up Ridge Road; no longer adopted by the
council it was badly rutted with disintegrating tarmac after years of
neglect. In places the ferns met in the middle but it was worth the
climb. For, if you stopped and turned around, you were blessed with the
most stunning views over the Teign Estuary. Melon Picker and I were in
agreement...beautiful. It was about 8.15, the light was fading and the
wind was picking up when we reached the main Long/Short split at the top
of Ridge Road. All of the back-markers had sensibly committed to doing
the Short. But I was a little worried. There were a couple of runners
who I had not seen on the trail who usually commit to the
Long.....Pollyfella and Smellie. Were they behind me or in front of me.
Also, where on earth was the Bird?
Up
to this point the pace had been deliberately slow as I really needed to
be at the back to do the sweeping. But was I really at the back? I
presumed that I was, indeed, the back marker. I bade farewell to the
Shorts and decided to get a push-on for the rest of the trail. There was
absolutely no chance of catching Deep Throat and Grinder but I needed
to kick out the checks just in case they'd got off trail or if anyone
was still behind me.
Continuing
along Ridge Road, a kicked-out check revealed that there were hashers
in front of me who were on trail. Left down a track towards Lower
Roccombe Farm. After 200 yards another check - correctly kicked out on
the reciprocal track that re-emerged onto Ridge Road and another check.
This time not kicked out! Hmmmm! I marked it left and ran the final
check on Ridge Road - not kicked out but torchlight ahead of me. It was
Grinder and Deep Throat who had overrun the check.
Back
on trail we descended the dodgy eroded ravine down to Middle Roccombe.
Another check but the dynamic duo were already on trail and heading
north through Lower Roccombe. Unwittingly, they had passed another two
checks. In fairness, these check were on the left hand side of the road
whereas all of the dots were on the right. I marked them out in the
correct direction and, amazingly, caught up with Grinder and Deep Throat
checking out the final check. From here it was all road, past Higher
and Lower Charlecombe and a slight downhill descent back to the pub. As
promised, I did catch up with Arkangel - about 25 yards short of the car
park!
A
little anxiety was present as I entered the pub. Would everyone be back
or would I be jumping in the car looking for those who were still AWOL?
Relief, one of the first people I saw in the pub was Rambo. Smellie was
sat at the bar but no sign of Pollyfella. However, Shitfaced confirmed
that everyone was accounted for.....phew! An ambitious 8 miles for the
Dynamic Duo and a well earned beer!
CIRCLE UP ROLL CALL
Buckle
My Shoe thirty two hashers true on this Bank Holiday Monday: GM
Shitfaced, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Lady Jane,Teapot, Piltdown, Georgie,
Archangel, Coldtits, Rambo, Pisswell, Natalie and virgin Christina,
Mouldy, Wicky, Little Tuckaway, Crackerjack, Grinder, Deep Throat,
Pollyfella, Wetfart, Manpig, BB, Red Raw, SM Ellie, Fallen Woman, Soapy,
Melon Picker, Teararse, Slip on Me, Zoot, Hotlips and late arrival
Screwed/Bella.
BIRDSTORIAL
Eagle-eyed
was the Bird decidedly not and frantically did he scour his chariot's
boot for a magnifying glass, not wishing to own up that he could barely
see the map laid out on the bonnet of Manpig's cruising battlewagon -
let alone any detail.. And thus the stage was set for the four strong
crew of hares to Shirley sally fourth [sic you fools] to lay the trail,
the seeds of destruction having been sown.
ON THE LAY
The
Dolorous Stroke was executed by the blind as a bat Bird emerging onto
the highway at Netherton. A cursory peer at der Gruppenfuhrer's map, and
instead of turning left for the off-road loop up to Ridge Road
(bypassing Cross Hill road), the bird-brain gaily skipped right and left
up to Haccombe and St Blaise church adding an extra mile to the short
and long.. sigh
COMETH THE DAY SNIPPETS
Manpig sweeping the long whilst the Bird fluttered back and forth along the byways and highways.
Thinking it had gone Bluetit's up by Netherton House when Red Raw appeared completely alone.
Deep Throat eventually appearing after making a tour of Netherton House's river frontage.
Melon Picker actually running: 'I'm turning back the clock!'
Grinder hoving into view after taking a sightseeing detour.
Make your mind up time at the second L/S split and dispensing (unusually sound) advice to SM Ellie and Fallen Woman.
Having a chat with Teapot who had cunningly short-cutted to said L/S split.
Oblivious to the sabotage to marks on the long - thank goodness MP was sweeping!
Attacking the Ridge Road ascent - the only running I did all night.
Waiting at the final L/S split to advise SM Ellie that the long could be another three miles plus.
Escorting Fallen Woman down an alternative route to the OH.
Red Raw suddenly appearing again on an eventful trail.
Feeling guilty about not going back for Coldtits and Screwed but unsure whether they were already back.
DOWNDOWNS
Zoot awarded Melon Picker for the 'dingle dangle' on trail.
Red Raw, giving her first award, singled Piltdown out for a drink for parking in the hedge.
Bluebird to co-hare Manpig, for making the mistaka of having any degree of faith in the myopic Bird.
Finally, in time honoured tradition, there was a drink for the author of the exercise, our Grand Master who had so sneakily/cunningly, nay cleverly, enlisted his friends.
SHIRLEY OF THE TRAIL
Must go jointly to COLDTITS and SCREWED/BELLA.
I had laid the trail on the final part of the short down the 'Descent
into Hell' lane (did you see the burnt out trees where the torched car
had been?) and later realised that it would be tricky to navigate in the
gloom. Not a word of complaint from anyone, gritty and true hashers
both. I slipped up laying it in perfect light!
In
any other circumstances, Deep Throat and Grinder would have been
Shirley of the Trail decorated, what with their marathon effort in
completing the 'extended' trail of 8.13 miles. I can only say that I'm
glad I didn't do it!
POSTSCRIPT
A
thoroughly enjoyable trail-lay, trail run and on down. Thanks go to Ian
and Chris of the Goose for opening up just for us. Well done to that
gentleman Polyfella (currently injured) for keeping Rambo company.
Hero of the night
must Shirley be Manpig for carrying out his duties faultlessly and
shadowing the tiny band around the long - as well as laying it earlier -
a round of applause please!
ON ON to next week and the Bridford Inn, Bridford, Exeter EX6 7HT, with Forrest.
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