TIDE-TIME TONY STRIKES AGAIN by our Roving Reporter Man-Pig

Run #1882 Monday 20th September from the Manor Inn at Galmpton with U Bend

 

U-Bend invariably sets a very good trail from this neck of the woods - whether it be the Manor Inn or Churston Court. It is a lovely part of Devon with a combination of hills, coast and estuary to whet the appetite. We really should try to use this area more often. The views over the Dart from Greenway are to die for. So it was, with a little disappointment, that only 22 athletic souls migrated to the Manor Inn for another U-bend yomp. This also meant that the recipients of three of last week's awards weren't present.....we would have to improvise.

 

In the absence of Teapot our GM, Shitfaced, called the Circle to order and introduced virgin Ali. U-Bend then described the trail, muttering something about ".....tides....." and "You might get wet. But don't worry. It shouldn't be more than ankle-deep" as his hand rose from his ankle up to his waist. For some reason, the smile had evaporated from virgin Ali's face at this point. It was also a full moon. This meant that we'd be on a spring tide. Maybe the waist would prove to be a more accurate gauge of our inevitable encounter with the wet stuff?

 

Just prior to the run U-Bend had a quick word in my ear. "Hey, Man-Pig. It's the same trail that I laid for for South Hams last month. Maybe you and Bluebird would like to run it backwards?". I affirmed that I could recall the trail and was happy to run it backwards but, in the event, U-Bend said that it would just be easier if Bluebird and I did the normal trail. With this in mind I envisioned a lonely run with only Bluebird for company. We would not see the rest of the hash until we were back at the pub and yet again the Words would be monopolised by the Bird and the Pig. How wrong I was. A combination of darkness, amnesia and an absence of carotene conspired to have the Pig and the Bird spend most of the evening going "wong wei" and continually having to catch up with both the Shorts and the other Longs.

 

The Hash immediately ground to a halt outside the pub car park. There was a slightly faded mark with an arrow and an "S". Apparently Haldon had run from here the previous week. The Hare thus enlightened us and suggested that we follow "new marks" and not "old marks". It was not long before we came to the first new check which was near the school. This was fine. I knew where I was going and carried on towards Greenway. This was only to have shouts of "You're unsporting Man-Pig. Check it out properly. You've done it before". My accuser was Piddler, for he too had been on South Hams hash a month earlier.

 

In true unsporting fashion the Pig and the Bird carried onto the next check which was, in fact, a Long/Short/Walkers' split. The Pig recalled the trail going left but this was clearly marked "Short". "I'm sure it was left", I grunted. The other arrow was straight ahead. Well, if left was Short, straight ahead must be Long. Hence we sprinted off eager to swank about how quickly we'd complete the trail when we got back to the pub. Wet Johnny had properly checked-out the first check and was now behind us as we accelerated towards Greenway. Then, more shouting from behind us. This time it was the be-cycled Hare yelling, "Man-Pig. You've gone the wrong way. You're on the Walkers' trail". "WALKERS!" Whatamistakatomaka. U-turn following U-bend and a perplexed Wet Johnny back to the Long/Short/Walkers' split. Our undoing was a very slight variation in the marks adopted by U-Bend. Rather than use three distinctive marks, "arrows", an "S" and an "L", U-Bend had combined the "L" into an arrow.......hmmmmmmmmm.

 

The former FRB's were nearly relegated to the rear. We reached the entrance to Coombe Lane just in front of the Walkers, Gaga 4 It and Ann. 

 

Coombe Lane forms part of Greenway Walk. It starts off fairly level and gets steeper towards its azimuth. We were soon picking off the Shorts. First Melonpicker, then it was Shitfaced followed by Hotlips, Zoot and virgin Ali. Ali was very polite. As I approached from the rear she said, "Just wait. I'll move over". I replied that I was "Happy where I am" to be treated by a wry smile and an emergency stop by Ali. I had no other option than to shoot past.....oh well! 

 

It wasn't too long before we caught up the Hare on his mountain bike and those that would usually do the Long, Arkangel, Erection, Manopause and Strap-On.

 

At the top of Coombe Lane there was a Long/Short split. This proved to be a loop. The trail took us over a stile and into a field. At the stile, we caught up with Smellie and only 100 yards ahead of her were Well Hopped and Big End plus Ned. However, looking up towards the A379 at Hillhead, we could see FRB Wet Johnny some 400 yards yonder. How does he do it?

 

Loop completed we rejoined the Short trail overtaking the Hare again on our descent down to Higher Greenway. Coming off the footpath and onto the lane, another check, kicked out left down towards Maypool....some very nice properties along this cul-de-sac. Right into the grounds of Agatha Christie's former residence, Greenway, now in the hands of the National Trust. This is set on a small headland perched high overlooking the Dart. At this point the Dart meanders in a reverse "S" shape and there are clear views across to Dittisham. In the summer one can get the "ferry" over the Ferry Boat Inn in Dittisham. The ferry is really nothing more that a motorised clinker built rowing boat. The best bit is the means by which one summons the ferry when it's on the other side of the Dart. One simply picks up the hand bell and gives it a jangle. No mobile phones here. All very quaint.

 

As we descended across the field towards Greenway Manor, we could see torchlight. It was the Shorts. Once again we had caught up with Shitfaced, Manopause, Erection, Piltdown Man, Georgie Porgy, Zoot, Hotlips and virgin Ali. They appeared to have lost the trail. Insider knowledge took us through a five bar gate where we picked up the trail running along the top edge of the woods. 

 

Back in front, the Bird and the Pig entered the woods and took a short cut almost on a reverse trail. No marks of course. After 400 yards and no descent we thought that we'd better retrace our steps. Two minutes later, we were back with Zoot, Hotlips and virgin Ali and back on trail. Next we caught up with Erection and Manopause who were engaged in a bit of naval [MP assures me that this is sic] gazing. Apparently not naval gazing but looking at a rather rare mark. "What's a circle with a cross in it?" asked Manopause. "Backcheck". So it was back to a blue polyethylene 50mm pipe which was a temporary water supply and a descent to the lane at Lower Greenway. Straight across the lane and over a stone stile and through Lower Greenway farm.

 

At the farm, the trail took us over another stone stile. However, in an attempt to get ahead of Man-Pig, the Bird opted to climb over a steel farm gate. Not a wise move. The gate had only been secured at either end with baler twine. Inevitably, the whole caboodle collapsed with the Bird perched on top of it. Under normal circumstances, the Bird might have got any with it. This time the Bird's spectacular display of stupidity took place right in front of Manopause......Down Down duly noted.

 

The trail continued across two fields and down to the edge of Galmpton Creek near Old Mill Farm. Gingerly we tiptoed onto the foreshore. In the distance, on the far side of the creek, we could see the erratic wobble of a torch beam. This would have been a wet Wet Johnny, now some 600 to 700 yards ahead. Initially it looked like we might not get wet at all. But as we made our way along the creek edge the water was lapping up against the creek's stone wall. Wet feet. Wet ankles. Wet calves. Fortunately, it didn't get any deeper than that. Hitting dry land at the quay we came across Gaga4it and Ann at the final Long/Short split. Shorts and Walkers followed the lane up to Manor Farm and back into Galmpton. 

 

The Longs went back down to the quay and picked up the trail at a set of stone steps. This took us across three fields and up to Stoke Gabriel Road. The marks in the field were clearly visible under the full moon - a pleasant pale orange. A steep descent and a simple all road trail led us the last 800 yards back to the pub - 5.29 miles.

 

Once again, U-Bend had provided us with a beautiful and excellent trail. Whether by accident or by design, and in true hash fashion, the Longs and the Shorts continued to overlap each other. Well done U-bend. For those that didn't make it, you missed a good 'un.

 

Onto next week at Court Farm, Abbotskerswell and virgin lay by Alexis.

 

Thank you Man-Pig, and now to the Manor minutiae:

 

Circle roll-call:

GM Shitfaced, Piltdown, Georgie, S M Ellie, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Erection, Archangel, Man-Pig, Zoot, Hotlips, virgin Ali, Piddler, U Bend, Bird, Strap-On, Ann, Gaga4It, Coldtits, Big End, Well Hopped and Melon Picker making Two Little Ducks 22

 

DOWNDOWNS

Pub generously gave no less than SIX halves for the DD's but presented RA Man-Pig with a problem - how to dispense.. not assisted by Forrest, Mouldy and Swinger not showing with previous week's awards..

 

Man-Pig got the DD's off to a flying start as he was nominated for the first award from WJ - one of two 'elderly gentlemen' who led him astray early doors..

 

Mandatory DD for hare U Bend.

 

'Who said you could leave the floor?' 400 Badge for hare U Bend.

 

Erection drops his wallet on the floor - BOING! That's 'andy 'Arry, pop it in the oven DD.

Manopause refused to let the Bird get away with an abortive attempt to fly a metal gate and get ahead of MP. The gate was only flimsily fastened by baling string and the Bird crashed and burned... sigh.

Classic of the evening went to our Grand Master who uttered the memorable 'Would you like to hold my pole?' to some unfortunate harriet as a stile was about to be negotiated.. sadly the GM was only offered water for the Carry On chat up line..

 

Sneaky DD for virgin Ali hits a snag - she doesn't LIKE BEER! Outraged murmurs (led by Piddler) that the RA lets her off and Zoot is nominated to down the award. Doesn't like beer? I've never heard anything like it on the hash before!

 

POSTSCRIPT

Outside decking and awnings the way to gogo, augmented with fancy lighting - now a sign of our Armageddon times and the Manor Inn has yielded to the inevitable down in sleepy backwater Galmpton.

 

But it was nice was it not, for our pioneering cricket team party of twenty two?

 

The pre-booked skinny chips at a reasonable £1:95 were ready to munch back from the trail and the Proper Job - hurrah! was a so-so £4:30.

 

We commandeered the top tier of the al fresco gilded timber galleon of delight and Man-Pig was considerate enough to advise a lone party of normal people what was about to be visited upon them cometh the Downdowns.

 

U Bend, on-trail be-cycled and now decidedly looking trimmer after his get fit regime, set a solid trail on a beautiful moonlit night and was rewarded with his 400 Badge at the On-Down.

 

Hot Rod Fukarwi did a fly-by on his Fonz cycle and departed without hashing as he has succumbed to the dreaded (I've now got it - couldn't walk Tuesday) plantar fasciitis.

 

ON ON to next week and a virgin lay by Alexis from the Court Farm Inn at Abbotskerswell - and the much anticipated Archangel Joshua V Shitfaced Fury showdown.