THE GOOD SAMARITAN & THE GHOSTLY GHOUL OF KERSWELL DOWN

Run #1886 from the Park Inn, Kingskerswell

 

Date: Monday 18th October 2021

Hares: Man-Pig & Bluebird

Drinks hostess: 3Sum

 

Hashers: Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Wet-Johnny, Roxanne + mini-Penners x 4, Arkangel, Only Here for the Beer, Two Little Shits, Grinder, Deep Throat, Alexis, Tamsin? (the dark haired lady on the Long), Gaga-4-it, Slip-On-Me, Pisswell, Wet Fart, Smellie, Piltdown Man, Georgie-Porgy, Rob (Shitfaced's cousin), Strap-On, 3Sum, Martin, the gentleman that I was talking to in the circle that might even not have a hash name, Zoot, Hot Lips, Ali, iPoo'd, T-Humper (food orders), Big-End & Ned, Well-Hopped.

Apologies: Forrest Stump (who had pantomime rehearsals), Bluebird (who had home commitments to address after having spent the afternoon laying the trail), Beefy (fixing power steering failure), Man-Pig (oh, woe is me. Without the Bird's cinematic record I have Shirley missed the names of many in attendance. My humble apologies.)

 

THE CIRCLE

Shitfaced welcomed all to the Circle. There were no virgins to be christened but a couple of returnees. Shitfaced made a couple of announcements regarding forthcoming events. The votes had been counted and we were going to have a Christmas raffle. This would take place at the Kings Arms, Kingsteiegnton - I have forgotten the date. Additionally, there was going to be a Christmas Party this year. This will take place at Teignmouth Sailing Club on Friday 10th December. Tickets are £7.50 for members and £12 for non-members. Thank you 3Sum for organising that. Finally, food orders. Hands up. T-Humper counted the hands for sausage and chips and advised Park'n'Ride that scoff time would be circa 9 - 9.15 due to the drink stop at chez 3Sum's.

 

Over to the hares......or should that be hare? Man-Pig apologised for the absence of co-hare Bluebird - an issue had arisen at home but the Bird would Shirley make it to the pub for a post-run swifter. There was a Long, Short and Walkers' trail. There was also the opportunity to Short-Cut but both the Walkers' trail and the Short-Cut were only marked at the beginning of their respective trails. They were on straight tracks/roads from which you could/should not be able to deviate. The Walker's trail would join up with the Shorts and the Short-Cut was a downhill road back to the village.....simples! There was one Long-Short split. The Longs would be spending a lot more time off-road than the Shorts, even though the Long was probably only 0.7 mile further than the Short's.

 

Approximate distances were mumbled to a disapproving throng: Longs circa 5.5, Shorts, 4.8, Walkers (if you survived the split down a very steep slippery bank) 4.2, SCB's 3.7. 

 

As a bit of an experiment, Bluebird had marked some early parts of the trail in orangey-brown chalk. Unfortunately this had faded badly in some parts due to the afternoon's rain. Other than that the trail was laid in flour using a combination of arrows and dots. On-On.

 

THE TRAIL

Crikey! Wasn't it humid out there? I have never know an October in the UK to be so warm and clammy. It reminded me of my time working in the Gulf. Strap-On commented that it reminded him of early mornings in Houston, Texas. I would have thought that, being in the middle of the desert, Houston would be bone dry. Apparently it has a lot of lakes which were probably the source of the humidity. Fortunately the afternoon's rain had cleared but there was still a warm mist in the air. The mist partially obscured an almost full moon which peaked out periodically when the mist dispersed only to cloud over again a few minutes later. One thing was for sure, no-one was going to get cold despite it being mid October.

 

The good thing about living in a country with long hours of daylight in the summer and long hours of darkness in the winter is that the Hares can cheat. You see, a trail can be re-used four times and most hashers would remain unaware. Simply lay the trail clockwise and then anticlockwise. Repeat this for one run in the summer and one in the winter. It is amazing just how different the perspective is between clockwise and anti-clockwise trails. In the dark, one can only see as far as one's torch beam so you could be almost anywhere.

 

The trail took us over some well hashed ground that most of you will have covered at one time or another. Over Kerswell down and down the long farm track to North Whilborough, then road to South Whilborough. Carry on past Colliers Barton towards Edginswell. Under Hamlin Way and double back on the new footpath that takes you over the railway line near the Texaco filling station. A right turn behind the Hare and Hounds and up Southey Lane to our drinks stop.

 

The Longs parted company with the Shorts just before exiting the woods on Kerswell Down. They dropped down to the Bickleigh Mill and then looped round and up Windmill Lane. Turning right at the windmill and passing Styles Garden Centre before dropping down an ancient track to rejoin the Shorts at Colliers Barton.

 

The Drink Stop comprised mulled cider and garlic bread. It was a well earned respite from the incredibly sticky and sweaty weather. 3Sum's garden looked lovely with illuminated fence panels, nice non-slip composite decking and a very efficient brazier which allowed weary hashers to de-robe and let their bodies breathe without getting cold. All very convivial.

 

The last part of the trail was all road but not without its adventures. Arriving at the Lord Nelson Smellie and I observed four police cars, an ambulance and a fire engine both above and below Kerswell Arch. Both the main road and the road outside the Nellie had been closed. What on earth was going on? I knew that Network Rail suspend rail services when there has been a bridge strike so we assumed that there had been some sort of vehicular accident. We made our way back to the Park Inn totally oblivious to the actual events unfolding before our eyes on Kerswell Arch.

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

Some of the recipients of last week's awards were absent. Nevertheless, there were enough to go round.

Arkangel was the first to name and shame. Smellie had had an electrical malfunction early on. A distinct lack of illumination from her headtorch saw poor Smellie attempting to struggle along the unstable footpaths of Kerswell Down aided only by the light from her iPhone. Hence an award to the "illuminati".

 

Piswell had already left the pub to help Beefy with his power steering. At least that's the story that she was telling everyone. Nevertheless, she had left the horse-head hat with Shitfaced to award on her behalf. It appears that being a sexagenarian can become very tiring. Especially when you are driving. So, what better than strapping a settee onto the back of your car so that you can have a comfy rest whenever you so desire....even if it is a wet settee. For some reason Only Here for the Beer has spent that past week driving around Kingskerswell with a settee on his trailer. I do not know if he is delivering or collecting. Nevertheless a down-down to Only Here for the Beer for taking relaxation to extremes.

 

In the absence of a physical award, Slip-On-Me had received a virtual award the previous week. Slip-On's award went, again, to Only here for the Beer. This time it was taking short cutting to extremes. Apparently OHFTB exited the back door of the pub and simply re-entered via the front door. Trail completed! That's what I call shot-cutting. OHFTB nominated Park'n'Ride to take his down-down on his behalf. I have never seen a pub landlord drink so slowly.....no rush now Andy.

 

There was one drink left but no more awards. Hence we thought about a naming for Ali. You may recall that Ali does not like beer; she will be sick if she drinks it. Hence the naming was postponed. Nevertheless, it was observed that Ali had always attended the hash wearing black tracksuit bottoms. However, now that we've had the first wet day in four weeks, Ali had decided to wear shorts! Why? Due to her beer allergy Ali nominated Hot Lips to have the final drink on her behalf. this was swiftly dispatched to a chorus of, "Here's to Miss Lovely Legs....." etc etc.

 

That pretty much rounded up the evening.

 

THE TITLE

Why on earth have the Words being donned with the title of "The Good Samaritan and the Ghostly Ghoul of Kerswell Down" I hear you ask? The Good Samaritan refers to the incident at Kerswell Arch. Apparently someone was threatening to throw themselves off Kerswell Arch and onto the busy A380. This occurred at about the same time as the Walkers were returning from the drink stop. I have little information on this incident but I understand that the Walkers were instrumental in preventing this loss of life before the emergency services arrived. Well done. It reminds me of the title of Kate Adey's book, The Kindness of Strangers, such an evocative title.

 

And, the Ghostly Ghoul of Kerswell Down? Bluebird is an extremely seasoned hasher. He very kindly offered to help me lay the trail. With metronomic precision he arrived at the Park Inn bang on the two o'clock appointed time. At the Long/Short split we parted company. I laid the Long whilst Bluebird laid the Short with the assistance of a map that I'd printed off for him. This time Bluebird had remembered to bring his glasses in order to enable him to actually see the map. What could possibly go wrong?

Picture this if you will?. Man holds bag of flour. The bag is made of paper. It starts raining. Man walks around in the rain for an hour. Bag gets wet. Paper bag begins to disintegrate. No problem. I will patch it up with Man-Pig's map. It rains some more. Pop. Bag eventually gives up the ghost covering Bluebird from the chest down. He still has half the Shorts trail to lay but no flour. So, what does he do? He scoops up the damp floor and puts it in his pockets to lay the rest of the trail! Really? I ask you?

 

It gets even better. Bluebird loses his way so he refers to what is left of the rather soggy flour-covered map but he can't read it because it's covered in flour. Oh, I'll just put my glasses on. Now his glasses are also covered in flour. Wet flour at that which is turning into a gloopy paste that will stick to anything it touches!

 

The next time I see Bluebird is at the point where the Longs rejoin the Shorts. Forty minutes earlier, I had left Bluebird wearing blue jeans and a dark blue jacket and a light blue baseball cap. What appeared in front of me now was more reminiscent of a very cheaply made B-grade horror movie from the fifties. He was covered in flour from head to foot. Even the baseball cap was white with flour. The Bird's futile attempts to brush off the flour with wet hands had just made matters ten times worse. "It's a disaster Man-Pig" as he recounted his sorry explanation of what stood before me.

 

Having completed laying the trail we retired to the pub for a well-earned half. You could tell where Bluebird had been. A combination of flour on the floor and on the bar. Everything he touched was covered in gloop. It was only when the Bird had to put his glasses on to see what beers were on tap, that I saw that his glasses were covered in sticky flour too. You'd have to have good eyes to see through them! Finally, when he came to pay by credit card even his wallet was covered in flour. Only the Bird is capable of creating a major catastrophe with nothing more than flour and water.

 

On-On to next week at chez Mouldy Dick's, Clennon Heights, Paignton.