ONLY HERE FOR THE BEER GOING TOO FAST & A WATCH THAT DID NOT TELL THE TIME

Run #1928 Monday 1st August from the King George IV at Totnes

HARES: Wet Johnny, Erection & Manopause

 

Who wuz there: Wet Johnny, Manopause, Erection, U-Bend, Man-Pig, Arkangel, Cheerio Beerio, Only Here for the Beer, Mark (virgin), Mateus Rose, Twiggy, Rise 'n' Shine, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie (pub only?), Coldtits, Slip-on-Me, Strap-On, Strap-Dancer, Ernie, Ablesemen, Wetfart, Bluebird, Melon-Picker, Soapy, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Beefy, Zen Emptiness.

 

THE CIRCLE

In the absence of Shitfaced, U-Bend took on the role of GM and welcomed all into the Circle.

There was only one announcement. Ablesemen informed the Hash that Satnav had had a fall and, I think, broken her wrist. We all wish her a swift recovery. 

 

A virgin was in our midst - Mark who is Mateus Rose's husband. He was indoctrinated into the Circle in the time honoured fashion with a liberal dowsing of flour.The Hare, Wet- Johnny, gave brief detail about the trail. A Walkers', Shorts' and Longs' trail had been laid. The Shorts was about 3 miles. The Longs were not more than 6 miles; the Shorts were somewhere between the two.

 

THE TRAIL

The Bird led the pack down Fore Street before we turned right down a narrow, but pretty, ginnel called Bank Street. An arrow took us right and to our first check. The Bird correctly checked out in the direction of St Katherine's Way and the Walkers' / Long-Short split. The Walkers turned left down St Katherine's way whilst the Shorts and the Longs turned right, up St Katherine's Way, and then left into the Carrions. Steps took us up to a grass pathway and a check. Man-Pig checked downhill - BONG! wrong. 

 

The Bird continued up to Maudlin Road and an arrow had us heading up Maudlin Street towards Leechwell Street. At the junction with Kingsbridge Hill was another check. Big End checked downhill. The Bird uphill with Beefy and Man-Pig in pursuit. And so it proved to be. A slog up Kingbridge Hill to its junction with the Western Bypass. The dots continued uphill to a check at the end of Fishchowters Lane. Beefy continued up the Western Bypass. The Pig checked down Fishchowters Lane....1 dot, 2 dots, 3 dots. ON ON. We were now on part of a Wet-Johnny trail that he'd set for the Longs before Christmas. 

 

Another check had the Pig carry straight on only to find a cross.The trail remained on Fishcowters Lane down to where it meets Maudlin Road. An arrow took us right and to a check at the bottom of Totnes Down Hill. Beefy checked up the hill. Bluebird lingered at the check. Man-Pig continued down Moat Hill and found an arrow. We were now on the John Musgrove Heritage trail heading towards Sharpham Barton and re-running part of a previous Bluebird trail from about 18 months ago.

 

Soon we begin to catch the Walkers. First Wetfart on his own. Then Only Here for the Beer, our Virgin Mark, Twiggy, Rise 'n' Shine, and Mateus Rose. Quite a long way in front of them was Strap-Dancer doing really well. At the Walkers split, we caught a glimpse of Georgy Porgy and Piltdown Man heading downhill across a steep meadow towards the Dart. The beautiful views here reminded us of how lucky we are to live here. Beefy was happily snapping away.

 

The Pig pushed on and caught up with first Coldtits and then Arkangel and Cheerio Beerio just before the second Long-Short split. The Shorts dropped down to the banks of the dart and the Longs embarked on the half-mile loop up to the edge of Higher Gribble Plantation. Just before a stile and a mini cattle grid a final check....not kicked out. A check uphill revealed a cross so it was back to the check to kick it out downhill to where a group of canoeists had gathered.

Back on the reverse trail. First, it was a wide track until we rejoined the outward trail for 100 metres before turning right and joining the Shorts. 

 

Initially, the trail took us along the edge of open fields, on the banks of the Dart, and heading back towards Totnes. We passed OHFB, Mark, Mateus, Twiggy, and Rise 'n' Shine for the second time. Then we were into woodland where we met up with Zen joining from the Walkers' trail. Erection and Manopause weren't that far ahead. Then for the second time, we passed Strap-Dancer. Surprisingly we didn't pass Wetfart or Coldtits again; maybe Coldtits was on the Longs? The other Longs would be behind. These comprised Ernie, Well Hopped, Big End, and, so it was rumoured, Arkangel and Cheerio Beerio. But no sign of Strap-On. He, too, must have been on the Long.

 

We entered Totnes on Baltic Way and followed St Peter's Quay and New Walk, past the Steam Packet, onto the Plains where the On Home directed us back up Fore Street. 

 

The Happy Snapper, Beefy, caught up and insisted on a run to the pub and three times around the car park to reach his 6 miles.

 

It had been hot and humid but beautiful. Another Wet-Johnny success - ably assisted by Erection and Manopause. However, Manopause caveated his input on trail. "If it goes well I am a co-hare. if it's shite, it was nothing to do with me!"

 

BIRDSCRIPT or semi-coherent recollections of the evening

 

PROLOGUE

Delayed by an off-course very large campervan that had strayed onto the narrow Claddon Lane near me. Four cars, including mine silver chariot, had to reverse several hundred yards to allow passage. I was going to be late for a most important date...

 

Another late hashing chariot drew up behind me by the Wolborough Inn traffic lights. Peeking through the rearview mirror, I was fairly sure it was Piltdown and Georgy. We had ourselves a mini Convoy (1978). 'Breaker, breaker, Rubber Duck,' squawked the Bird.

 

At 7:25, Piltdown slewed his orange chariot under the Victoria Street car park gantry while the Bird undershot and, snarling with rage, had to reverse back.

 

The desperate trio and muttley made a run for the pub and, Shirley enough, the hash was still there. Howling hallelujahs!

 

TRAIL TALES

Through a gloomy ginnel, we fled in search of glory with the promise of a golden brew to come.

 

Motley were the FRB's, no Warm Front, Pollyfella to spearhead the assault and find the trail tonight.

 

Man-Pig was more than slightly the worse for wear after Roman marching (with many a refuelling stop) eighteen miles at the weekend; Big End was still recovering from injury; Ernie would be inconvenienced by pulling his milk cart up the hills; the Bird was on impulse power after injuries to his injury, and Beefy was in tourist cum happy snapper mode.

 

It was fortunate indeed that the Bird was hatless as, after an initial triumph, he got cocky [sic you fools] and the battle cry echoed down to the Plains from on high: 'I'll eat my hat if it's down there!'

 

Devious were the hares and a convoluted passage unfolded before the inevitable tour of the scenic south side of the River Dart.

 

MENTIONED IN DESPATCHES

Wetfart encountered returning from whatever trail variant he had chosen - how he had got that far so quickly was somewhat mysterious.

 

Strap Dancer on a mission and scorning the ambling knots of sightseers.

 

Giving Able a shock when passing at a gateway.

 

Asked for the time by Archangel and Cheerio and perplexingly finding that the option was not possible on a Garmin Forerunner 30 whilst in operational mode.

 

Encountering the second L/S split and deciding it wasn't going to do me any good and saluting the valiant Big End, Well Hopped, Archangel, and Cheerio who were made of sterner stuff.

 

Discovering from Erection that he and Manopause had been press-ganged into haring by WJ.

 

Coldtits deciding that a shortcut up a steep gully was not worth the fifteen yards gained.

 

Meeting up with the sightseers once more and overhearing Slip on Me's plaintive wail: 'You're going too fast, Only Here for the Beer (striding out for the beer), we can't keep up!' On seeing the Bird swoop, muttering: 'But perhaps Bluebird can...'

 

In the same group, the horror of seeing clouds of smoke emanating from virgin Mark.

 

About to descend onto Baltic Wharf and there she was yet again - the Strap still purposefully Dancing - whoa!

 

Changing in the car park and Man-Pig greeting me with a 'You SCB!' Fair play, MP but It Ain't Half Hot Mum.

 

Finally, Beefy making a few laps of the CP to record the full six miles.

 

Thank you, Wet Johnny, Manopause, and Erection.

 

Goodbye, that's all he wrote.

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

Yet again returned awards were thin on the ground. However, Man-Pig had Warm Front's award from last week and Bluebird had the Viking hat from a previous Hash.

 

First, we thanked the pub for the beer. Rob, the landlord, has always looked after the hash - including when he was running the Dartmouth Inn. Thank you, Rob.Were there any stories? 

 

Arkangel came up with one. He'd asked Bluebird what the time was. Bluebird looked at his wrist computer/Garmin wizardry and said, "It's a computer. It doesn't tell the time". What sort of computer is that? And this from the man who runs the Hash Facebook page? A note for, "He'stupid. He's stupid. He's so damn dumb if his mother hadn't been there he'd be a lump of cum". This height of techno ludditeism was justly rewarded with a glass of water.

 

Any more stories? Almost inevitably something had to come up from the weekend's Isca Roman Away Day. 

 

Melonpicker recited the sorry tale of he who gambled and lost. A bottle of malt whiskey was literally within a hasher's grasp. But he couldn't see it as it was in a box. Did he want to stick or swap?

 

Swap he did only to see Buzby open the swapped box to a smile and a smirk. "So what's in my box? A bloody bag of flour!" A note for the gambling Man-Pig who, at least will literally be eating cake for the next week!

 

Our virgin Mark was next up for a Down-Down. A note for the "Virgin Vapour" despite protestations that it was a proper fag and not a vape. Zen stating that this would be a fine hash handle.

 

Plenty of beer left, so a Down-Down for the Hare, Wet-Johnny. He was driving, so had a water whilst a delighted Manopause dispatched the beer in pretty short order.

 

One beer left. There was a birthday girl amongst us but only one person knew who it was, and it was not a Hasher. Smellie's friend Jane was in the pub having a quiet (well, quiet until we turned up) drink. 

 

She didn't want to come front and centre but was delighted to accept the final half of Proper Job and thanked the Hash. We, nevertheless, sang all the right notes in the wrong order.

 

Now it's goodbye from me and goodbye from Man-Pig.

 

NEXT WEEK

The Tap House, Tuckers Maltings, Newton Abbot. Hare - Arkangel.

 

ON ON to next week