BILLY TWO HATS & A SCB MEETS A JCB

TVH3 The Words for 26th September 2022

 

Court Farm, Abbotskerswell

 

Run No. 1936 Strap-On & Ernie's virgin lay

 

HARES: Strap-On & Ernie

 

Who wuz there: Strap-On, Ernie, Shitfaced, iPoo'd, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Arkangel, Forrest-Stump, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Andy from the Park Inn (still to be named - not to be confused with Park 'n' Ride), Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Ablesemen, Beefy, Pisswell, Tamsin, Teapot, Wetfart, Roger the Dodger & friend, Zen Emptiness, Mateus Rose, Rise 'n' Shine and two virgins brought along by Andy from the Park Inn (sorry, forgot your names) and Strap-Dancer (pub only).

 

The Circle

The circle commenced with Smellie confirming that Pisswell had volunteered to lay the trail for 3rd October. It would be in Bovey Tracey somewhere. The On-Down had yet to be confirmed. The next date for which a hare was required was late October and then no further requirements till late November.

 

Before handing over to the Hares Man-Pig pleaded for a volunteer to do the Words - no takers but Bluebird allegedly put his hand up whilst standing behind me. Well volunteered!

Then it was over to our Hares. Well, it has to be said, for a virgin lay our two hares looked very relaxed. Strap-On had a pint in his hand....I doubt it was his first and he had decided that a seat at the bar was to be his next move. 

 

Ernie asked hashers to guess the number of checks and advised of a Long/Short contraflow system. Longs would be just over 7 miles....gasps all around. There would, additionally, be Shorts' and Walkers' trails.

 

The Trail (Longs) by Man-Pig

The trail took us out of the beer garden to the path that leads to the church. Here we turned immediately right and down onto Slade Lane near the post office.

 

At the junction with Wilton Way, we came to the first check which was also the only Long/Short split. The Longs headed up Wilton Way towards Court Farm before turning left down a ginnel and looping around and back onto Wilton Way.

 

Opposite the entrance to Court farm, the trail took us up a steep footpath towards the old RNIB college at Court Grange. Instead of bearing left and along the public footpath that traverses two fields, we continued along the entrance drive to Court Grange, eventually exiting back onto the top of Slade Lane. An obvious place for a check but there was none. Left along Slade Lane towards the Totnes Road - but only for a short while. Again an obvious place for a check but nothing. 

 

The Pig sensed that the trail may go left and down a track that leads past the caravan park at the back of Ruby Farm as Beefy checked ahead towards the Totnes Road.

'On-On!' called the Pig. It wasn't long before we hit the contra-flow system with the Shorts coming one way and the Longs the other.

 

The track ends at its junction with Whiddon Road. The Shorts' trail had also been marked with an arrow at this junction. The conclusion had to be that the check only applied to the Longs. A spot of checking out towards the Totnes Road revealed a cross. Back to the check to kick it out.

 

Running against the tide of oncoming Shorts, we arrived at a second check at Whiddon Cross. Beefy was not far behind. The Pig checked uphill along the road that forms the southern boundary to Dainton Golf course. Beefy, meanwhile, checked downhill towards Maddacombe Cross. The Pig found the third mark and returned to kick out the check. This was the last time that I'd see Beefy for the next two-and-a-half miles.

 

Up near Causeway Cross, the junction invited another check. Again, there was none. An arrow had us heading southeast in the general direction of Hunters Brewery. But it wasn't long before the dots ran out. Backtrack. Sure enough, a dot was spotted at the footpath that takes us across two fields and into Dainton. A few encouraging shouts of "On-On" but no response. Where was Beefy?

 

At Dainton - no check. I had a hunch that the trail would be left and towards the dead end that leads up to Milton Mator Common.

 

It wasn't long before an arrow was spotted on the right-hand side of the road. Where the road ends, a track-cum-footpath starts. At the first junction along the footpath, a check. Both paths lead to the Common. There is nowhere else to go. A check uphill ended with a cross. Back to the check. Kick it out and onto another check after only 100 yards. This time the trail did lead right, uphill through the woods and exiting onto the common. Brambles were thick and the path almost indiscernible. 

 

Up to this point, the marks had been excellent but none to be seen on the common. There is only one exit off the common and that is onto the footpath that runs along the top edge of Stoneycombe Quarry. Marks! We were back on trail.

 

After another 100 yards, a check. It proved to be straight on. 200 yards further along yet another check. Again straight on.....errr, well no....three dots and a cross! Back to the check and check out the stepped path that leads down to the back of Bickleigh Mill Inn. Yes indeed....three dots.

Back up to the viewi

ng point that overlooks the quarry and kick out the check.....again. A loud call of "On-On" was rewarded with a similar response. Quite close too. But I did not recognise the voice. It was female but not Pisswell.

 

I continued the descent down to Brook Cottage and kept calling "On-On". Again the same female response. By the time I reached the road at Brook Cottage, I decided to stop and find out the identity of my pursuer. It was Tamsin. She announced that Beefy and Pisswell were not far behind and that we were the only ones on the Long.

 

It was only a few seconds later that Pisswell and Beefy appeared. An arrow had us running past Stoneycombe Quarry to a check at Maddacombe Cross. It was then uphill to Greatoak Cross. The headlights of an approaching car reflected off something shiny on the side of the road. On close inspection, this turned out to be a flat-screen TV placed nicely at the edge of the road. it looked undamaged. Bizarre.

 

At the top of the hill, we arrived at Great Oak Cross where another arrow took us left towards Gullands Cross. At the first road junction, another arrow guided us into a field and along the footpath that eventually drops into Abbotskerswell behind the, currently closed, Butcher's Arms.

 

The OH sign had us returning to the pub along Wilton Way. A lot of road but a good old workout for the Longs. Good running by Tamsin and a great first effort by our virgin hares. Well done.

 

The Trail (Shorts) by BB

It started badly and then got worse. A woeful evening of bad decisions, bad luck and misadventure was in the offing. 

 

Are you sitting nice and comfy? Well, I shall elaborate, Oh Dearly Beloved and long suffering.

The omens were not good as the rat run over Milber was apparently closed to traffic although some were trying their luck - in the fond hope that workmen had gone home and passage might be attainable.

 

Not wishing to risk it and go as a biscuit, the frustrated Bird took the scenic route to Newton Abbot, eventually emerging by Sainsbury's by the Penn Inn. Whatever happened to the direct route?

 

Plumage slightly ruffled, the Bird made the circle at 7:20 but just in time. Immediately, Forrest enquired if I had a spare headlight as he had forgotten his. The fickle finger of fate faltered and then took straight aim at the hapless Bird.

 

It so happened that I did have a spare and I returned to mine chariot to fetch it. On returning, the circle call to arms bugle call was sounded. The hares delivered the spiel but alarm-ed was I to hear that the long was a murderous seven miles - Shirley A Bridge Too Far (1977) for the fragile carrier pigeon.

 

Just as the pack was released, I remembered that I hadn't locked the Chariot and back I fluttered to remedy the oversight. Then I thought up a cunning plan, so cunning that you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

 

Driving in, I had seen a L/S split on the corner and, being renowned as a SCB (short cutting Bird if you please) I legged it to the dot by the shutter-board ginnel and headed out for glory and perhaps a head start on the FRB's! As Rise 'n' Shine would comment later: 'Being clever and Bluebird clearly do not go together...'

 

A sequestered housing estate unfolded and gleefully did the Bird prance. Atop a short rise and the dots veered right and down the hill - back to the entrance to the Court Farm Inn!

Whatamistakatomaka!!

 

The air was befowled [sic you fools) and turned blue [on a roll sic] by the irate Bird and his demeanour was not improved as the hares emerged from the bar to comment: 'Hurry up BB, you won't catch them like that!' Oh the pain, the pain, the almost unbearable pain.

 

The Bird was far from finished and brought A Cunning Plan Mk 2 into play. Leg it up the alley behind the church and head 'em off at the pass - there were marks up by the main road after all.

Slightly disconcertingly, an OH mark appeared but then an S - HA! Back in the game but how far behind, that was the question.

 

A beautifully pristine check appeared by the Abbotskerswell village sign. Either I was somewhat perplexingly in front, or those sloppy shorts hadn't kicked it out - hmmmm. Choosing correctly, the trail was resumed, all on terra tarmac, which was a relief.

 

Now we come to the almost unbelievable part of the sad saga. You all recall the hairpin turn right at the bottom of a descent? Well, there was a gate immediately on the left and you could see Newton Abbot far below. As I passed, I saw several head torches in the distance. Gotcha!

About a hundred yards later, I made out a JCB with flashing light and several workers with head torches on! Relating the incident to Man-Pig and the hares, it hardly seemed plausible but, take a look at this link:

 

https://streetguide.co.uk/roadworks/TQ121EH

 

You will see that there were roadworks taking place that evening this side of Decoy Lake. A case of the SCB encountering a JCB - No? Well..

 

On I coursed, lonely as a cloud until, oh, oh, the OH - at 1.6 miles!

 

Back the Bird spurred like a madman, shouting a curse to the sky, with the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!

 

Two head lights coming towards me, oh the shame, the shame. With head bowed, I shuffled past, muttering: 'Oh dear, oh dear.' I think it must have been Wet Johnny and Manopause who were the 'legal' frontrunners on the short.

 

The massed ranks of the Hallelujah chorus emerged from the gloom. Arkangel, Forrest & Muttley, SMellie, Zen (also torchless but relying on the throng), Rise 'n' Shine and Mateus Rose.

 

Back once more unto the breach, dear hashers.

 

Fifty seven minutes later and 4.4 miles on the clock, the Bird sang in BERKeley Square -no? Well please yourselves then.

 

An unprecedented 10 Pillock Points awarded.

 

Returning home, I decided to punch through over Milber and ignore the road closed signs. Shirley I could get through! Through one, two and three signs and confidence was high. And then, just below Plant World - the barrier of Ultimate Doom.

Just beyond it was a pair of headlights facing me. He flashed and I flashed back. What a pair of Wallies. Five point turn and back down to the Centrax turn-off and the Netherton lane back home.

 

What a Night it was, it Shirley was, Such a Night. Sigh...

 

The Down-Downs

First up was SMellie with Bluebell's Tina Turner wig! Absolutely outrageous! Loudly was she heckled from the cheap seats but SMellie was in (a) tent on awarding anyway. The follicly challenged were taunted - as had I by SMellie at the bar - but a virgin was selected and the similarity to Worzel Gummidge - with wig donned - was uncanny. 'Hold it in your hand' was savagely spewed out by Man-Pig and the raucous Bird.

 

Billy Two Hats (1974) aka Beefy with the Hashit Shirt and the Baby Bat hat was next on parade. The Baby Bat hat went to Ernie the co-hare with the DD song a quick burst of: 'Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west...'

 

The Hashit Shirt returned to the Teign Valley with Forrest - he of the missing torch. A note for the (un)enlightened one. I have no further comment..

 

A final half for the other co-hare and a virgin lay at that. Well done Strap-On!

 

Next week

Somewhere in Bovey Tracey with hare Pisswell. See the TVH3 Facebook page (and web page) for updates.

 

Now it's goodbye from me and goodbye from Man-Pig.

 

On-On to next week!