INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU INVESTIGATES, A MODEST HERO & NOT A YARD TOO FAR

 

by Man-Pig

 

Chez Broken Man & Fallen Woman's abode

 

Annual Christmas fancy dress fish 'n' chip hash

 

Run No. 1947 Monday 12th December

 

HARES: Fallen Woman and Bobbiball

 

Who wuz there: Fallen Woman, Bobbiball, Broken Man, Wet Johnny, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, iPoo'd, Archangel, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Twin Buffers, Beefy, Pisswell, U-Bend, Able Semen, Slip-on-Me, Melonpicker, Soapy, Palmolive, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Piddler, Threesum, Coldtits, Teapot.

 

THE CIRCLE

Smellie announced that all dates for 2023 were available. Step right up and book your slot. Ablesemen proclaimed that tonight would be your last chance to buy raffle tickets for next Monday's Christmas draw, so get in quick.

 

Threesum thanked everyone who came to Saturday's Christmas party and advised that the venue had been booked again for next year. NoNo oneanted to do the Words so it was over to the Hares.

 

Fallen Woman said that the trail was quite short but festive and scenic nonetheless. The Longs would be longer than the Shorts and there was a Walkers' trail which would involve following Bobbiball straight to the pub. Hurrahs all round. 

 

Bobbiball then chipped in that the trail might seem a little confusing as some of it was laid in sawdust and some in flour and some in a combination of the two. There was no mention of legacy trails spreading across Berry Head.......hmmm

 

THE TRAIL

The trail took us out of Freshwater/Oxencove car park and down a dozen steps onto the coast path where we headed for Bixham; past the working port with lorries loading up with the day's catch and then around the old harbour and past the Christmas decorations.

 

Near the harbour's Christmas tree, we came to an indistinct mark. A check? A Long/Short split? We didn't know.

 

Wet-Johnny checked along the coast path towards Berry Head while the Pig checked up some steps onto Berry Head Road. Three dots. "On-On" but no one was following.

 

I'd left Piddler at the bottom of the steps and he hadn't come up them, so I went down to see what he was doing. He wasn't there. Further up the coast path, I could see a fluorescent jacket. This was Pisswell. I caught her up and she advised that Wet-Johnny was calling it "On".

Crikey, it was cold. Even though the onshore breeze was fairly gentle, it made a cold winter's day noticeably colder.

 

An arrow took us up some steps and onto Berry Head Road and the only Long/Short split of the trail. Piddler and U-Bend looked unimpressed. I had thought that they had gone Short.

I heard Wet-Johnny calling "On to check" to my left on the Longs. At least I think that's what I heard. 

 

Off I trotted but all I found was a cross. I backtracked and checked up Victoria Road.....nothing. Back down to Berry Head Road retracing my steps. I'd overshot an arrow. We were back on the coast path and onto the beach where the temperature had frozen the shingle together in a solid mass.

 

The tide was quite high, and the onshore wind was creating one or two white horses. Fortunately, the path was not icy. I didn't fancy a dip on my own at this time of year.

 

Up some stone steps, and then around the shoal pool and across the shoal pool car park. We were back on Berry Head road but no sign of the other Longs; Beefy, Wet-Johnny, Pisswell, and Piddler as it turned out. I went right only to find the same cross that I'd found five minutes earlier.

 

Yes, there were dots to my left leading into Berry Head Hotel. The dots were, at first, on the left but then changed to the right. 

 

Opposite the pedestrian gate which accesses the hotel's car park was a very obvious hash check which had been kicked out in the direction of the car park.

 

INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU INVESTIGATES

I knew that the broad track that led to Berry Head was just the other side of the car park. But, would we be going all that way when we still had a pub stop and a fish 'n' chip meal to contend with later in the trail? I had my suspicions.

 

This was definitely a hash check that had been kicked out. However, it had been kicked out when the ground had been soft and muddy. The edges of the kick-out created a raised shoulder of frozen mud. The temperature in Brixham hadn't been above freezing for at least four days. This didn't strike me as a new mark.

 

I carried on, and a nice shiny white dot of flour appeared some fifteen feet further on. Just as the lane starts to ascend, there is a cul-de-sac to the right with, perhaps, half a dozen houses. I recalled running past these houses, but from the other direction, a year ago. Torch out. Let's look for marks.

 

There was a sawdust mark but, up until this point, I'd been following almost exclusively flour. I continued to a small gate to find an unkicked-out check in sawdust. There was only one way to go - through the gate. I kicked it out and I was, indeed, on last year's footpath. There were marks but this time they were all in sawdust.

 

Exiting the woods, there was a big white arrow directing us across Victoria Road and onto Lands Road and thence Heath Road. Lots of marks but we were back to flour again. Still no sign of the other Longs. I had called several times when I'd found myself on trail but that last check hadn't been kicked out. Had they gone out onto Berry Head or would they be back in the pub quaffing ale? We would soon find out.

 

Towards the end of Heath Road, there was a little bit of a zig-zag. I was following a combination of arrows and dots. This brought me to a pedestrian alleyway where the vehicular part of the road ended. 

 

Another arrow had me on a narrow road high above the Quay. I am pretty sure that this was North View Road. More arrows and dots had me running under the Christmas lights on Fore Street before crossing the bus station and finding marks around Church Street. 

 

At last, a road I recognized but no marks. This was Station Road and I knew that dry, warm sanctuary in the form of The Queens lay at the top of yonder hill.

 

Marks were leading up steps to my left. I surmised that his would be a run around the school playing field for the Shorts - so I ignored them, and made a bee-line for the pub.

 

Beer at last. But where were Wet-Johnny, Beefy, Pisswell and Piddler? Before I could ask, Soapy had started the Hash version of the Twelve Days of Christmas. Just as that had finished, an exhausted Piddler arrived. He was the last of the Longs to make it back (into) the pub.

 

£3.20 A PINT!

The previous Saturday had been The Queens' beer festival. Beer was an astonishing £3.20/pint and the beer festival had made £1,400 for charity. An excellent effort by Chris and his team at the pub. They had also tapped the 65% proof plumb brandy that had been sitting on the bar for the previous decade. The first tot had been auctioned off for £60 on Saturday. Hmmm......65%.

I may have to return to try that when I'm not driving. Chris made us all very welcome, and his selection of beers and ciders was simply astounding. A proper good old boozer. Well done, Chis and his team for putting this pub on the map as Camra's best South Devon town pub on at least two previous occasions.

 

Fallen Woman gave the five minute warning to down our pints and, in next to no time, we found ourselves scoffing fish 'n' chips and admiring the views over Brixham harbour.

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

Ablesemen was first up in a search for someone befitting of rehousing the small bat hat. However, she first thanked the committee for organising Saturday's Christmas Party and thanked everyone who had made the effort to come in fancy dress.

 

"Who set the long?" enquired Ablesemen. Bobbiball quietly shrank into the corner. "Thankyou for advising that it ran all over marks from South Hams pre Xmas hash from a fortnight earlier."

 

The net result of this was that the majority of the intrepid Longs were on the TVH3 trail as far as The Berry Head Hotel. At that point, they commenced the South Hams trail.

Just as well some of the marks had been washed away. Otherwise they would, alarmingly, have found themselves at the Ship Inn in Kingswear!

 

Broken Man had brought out the yard of ale, and Melonpicker started the down-down songs with "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy..." as Bobby proceeded to spill most of his half pint over first himself, and then the hosts' floor.

 

Next up was Melonpicker. He did not have a physical award but he had a virtual award from the previous week. Once again, the errant Longs were in the firing line. Only three of the five Longs had made it back to the Queens but, perplexingly, only two had actually entered the pub.

 

For some inexplicable reason, Wet-Johnny had, eventually, made it back to the pub via Berry Head. He must have been knackered poor thing....too tired to even enter the pub! A note for "the under 18". Again an attempt was made on the yard of ale. Another spillage and a quarter of a pint remaining in the bottom.

 

Next up was Wet-Johnny himself for the great reveal. "I have an award," he said, "....from a couple of weeks ago." He unzipped his kagool to reveal a very sweaty and smelly hashshit shirt. Who on earth was going to get that filthy thing....and the shirt!

 

Wet-Johnny recounted a story of many a lay. The trail, as undertaken, had been laid by Fallen Woman, Bobbiball and South Hams Hash. Three trails for the price of one.

 

Once in the pub, the laying continued or, more accurately, the mislaying continued. Fallen Woman had mislaid her credit card.

 

The yard of ale had been topped up to a full half pint, and the hash started singing "Here's to the multi-laid harriet" or something like that. A lot of near gagging was going on, and yet another unfinished yard of ale.

 

Were there any more stories or awards?

 

U-Bend had been given a down-down the previous week, and he was on trail but I can't remember if he'd made it back to Fallen Woman's and Broken Man's. There was the best part of bottle of beer still to go, but no stories.

 

NOT A YARD TOO FAR

Somehow, in the general conversation of the moment, Man-Pig had innocently mentioned that he'd never done a yard of ale. In no time at all, Fallen Woman had poured the last bottle of beer into the yard long glass and thrust it towards Man-Pig. 

 

Wottamistakkatomaka. With a lot of trepidation and a steady hand, the Pig managed to, very slowly, gulp his way through the lot without spilling a drop. Unbelievable.

 

A rather flustered Pig was somewhat red in the face and looked about to throw up when out came the most enormous belch....applause all round.

 

Thank you, Fallen Woman and Broken Man for, once again, inviting the hash into your home. We had a great time and I can only apologise for Bobbiball's excessive dribbling!

 

POSTSCRIPT

Our Bobby - a modest hero

 

Whilst setting the trail at the hotel end of Berry head hotel, Bobbiball had come across an elderly lady who had fallen over and couldn't get up. She had been walking a friend's dog that was far too big for her to control easily. She'd fallen but couldn't risk letting the dog go.

 

However, it was the very presence of the big dog that was preventing her from getting up. A catch 22 situation.

 

Bobby came across the tangled and stricken duo, and could barely handle the dog himself. It was not a vicious dog; simply too big for an elderly lady to control properly.

 

It was bitterly cold and the pair were in a tiny, hidden viewing spot just off the Berry Head Road. 

 

Who knows what might have occurred if Bobby had not happened along? A deed well done methinks - and not a word from the modest hero to the hash.

 

If we still had the trophy, the Crusher Cup (for valiant deeds) would be his at the Awards Night.

 

Bravo, Bobby!

 

NEXT WEEK

Next week's Hash is at The Kings Arms, Kingsteignton and the annual TVH3 Christmas draw. The hares are Hotlips and Zoot. Good luck everybody.

 

On-On to next week, MP.