TVH3 The Words for 12th June 2023

by Man-Pig

The Devon Arms, Teignmouth

 

Pirate Theme.....arrrh!

 

Run. No. 1973

 

HARES: Forrest Stump & Bluebird

 

 

I seen a peanut stand

Heard a rubber band

I seen a needle that winked its eye

But I be done seen 'bout evr'ything I think

When I see a pirate in pink!

 

Who wuz there: Forrest Stump, Bluebird, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Arkangel, Beefy, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Coldtits, U-Bend, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me, Big End, Ned, Well Hopped, Piddler, Wood Lend, Perry, Wet Johnny, Erection, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Rise'n' Shine, Mateus Rose, Wetfart, Teapot, Satnav, Broads, Polyfella, Triple Jump & virgin Sharon.

 

Circle

The single word word that can best describe this run is: Arrrrh! This must be pronounced both loudly and with a broad Bristolian accent for today we were all pirates! Well, not quite all. Most had made some sort of an effort to look piratesque; even if was just to sport a cutlass - Beefy.

 

Some Hashers either couldn't read or failed to make an effort. This included the Pig, the 'penners, Piddler, Well Hopped and Big End.

 

At the other end of the spectrum, Slip-on-Me was offering crystal ball gazing and was kind enough to offer me some of her charms to wear on trail which I unsportingly declined.

Horny was a fantastic pink pirate....was she representing the LBGT community? Beeficker's resplendant tattoos didn't require too much additional plumage to look just the part.

 

It did look as though we had a number of virgins joining us this evening. This was because just about everyone who walked past the pub looked distinctly pirate-like. Is this pirate week in Teignmouth? I know that Brixham has a pirate weekend which I think is during the spring bank holiday but I may be wrong.

 

As it turned out, we only had one virgin. Triple Jump had brought along a friend for her first ever Hash. Shitfaced invited her into the Circle.

 

"What is your name?"

"Sharon" So far so good.

"Who made you come?"

"Veronica!" Not so good.

 

Triple Jump turned around to reveal her Hash name on the reverse of her T-shirt whilst the relevant correction was uttered accompanied by a liberal dose of flour.

 

Over to the Hare, Cap'n Forrest Stump. He explained that some of the trail would be a live trail (Wood Lend, as it turned out) and that:

 

"Bluebird was out there somewhere. It won't be a long trail, Walkers' about 3, Longs' 5 and Shorts' somewhere in-between".

 

Most importantly, there was a "Grog stop!"

 

There were no announcements, or were there, as we commenced our D-day style assault on Backbeach? Just as we started to move off, Shitfaced asked Smellie about food.

 

"Oh shit! I'd forgotten".

 

Now, usually, The Devon Arms does not do food but we are welcome to bring in our own fare. However, today was different. Today we were going to be provided with a buffet at £5 a head. Now Smellie's sole task for the evening was to address the food issue.

 

"STOP! Hands up, who wants food."

 

The pack abruptly shiver me timbered to a stop and about-turned. About 13 or 14 put their hands up and Smellie conveyed this to the pub whilst the remobilised pack about-turned for the second time and embarked for Normandy.

 

The Trail

To those of you who have already been on the TVH3 Facebook page and seen the Strava routes, you will know that I jest not. Within 5 minutes of the "Off" we were afloat.

 

The cunningly secretive Cap'n had purloined the special boat services of the Shaldon Ferry to carry us across La Manche to engage our mortal enemy - the dreaded Ness Golfing Brigade.

 

The Landing craft ploughed into the sandy beach, bow door down as the assault commenced. Longs' and Shorts' left towards Juno and Gold beaches whilst the Shorts' bore right and across Sword beach to secure the Grog stop at the northern end of Shaldon Bridge. HA!

 

Initially, the advance went well, crossing a near deserted beach. The Hares had planned well. The Horrible Hun Ness Golfers had not expected a seaborne attack by a Hash that is usually permanently affixed to terra firma.

 

The euphoria of early progress almost ground to a halt at the tank traps. A series of rocky boulders, some covered with a deadly frictionless green material to further stymie our progress - cunning people these Ness Golfers.

 

Bewilderingly, our ace trail finder, Horny, guided the Longs' and Shorts' squadrons through the tank traps and onto Juno beach.

 

Such was the expertise of our No. 1 pathfinder, that even the three legged Arkangel made it through the stubborn obstacle without mishap. The only person missing was Pork Torpedo. PT was injured so he remained back at the Devon Arms - HQ for the evening's assault. PT's brief was simple. He was in charge of comms. All orders would be relayed to the bar for immediate despatch.

 

Back at Juno beach, an early reconnoitre by a spy, who goes by the name Bluebird, had located a secret tunnel that would take us to the very edge of enemy territory.

 

At the end of the tunnel, Captain Stump gave us our final orders. Longs' and Shorts' were to go left below the Ness. We would skirt around the edge of the Ness car park keeping cover under dense foliage. 

 

At the Long/Short split, the Longs would go south and high....very high. In fact to the very top but only after passing cryptic messages; "Nearly there" and "Not quite" as Sherpa Tensing-like we prosecuted our assault to Smugglers' Top. 

 

Once there, we would turn around again and descend through long grass to RV with the Shorts' at the SW corner of the Ness Golf course.

 

Meanwhile, the Shorts would conceal themselves as they short-cutted westwards along the souththern flank of the golf course before revealing their presence to the unwary Ness Golfers. Their clubs and their balls would Shirley be no match for our "Arrrrhs" & cardboard cutlasses. 

 

We could see them clearly, all uniformed Scout like. Ye gods on high, they looked young. It didn't seem sporting to run 'em through with cold steel (well, cold cardboard). Indeed, all it took were a few "Arrrhs" and "On-On's" before they were routed.

 

Job done it was time for clear up operations before replenishing our rations at the Shaldon bridgehead.

 

Mopping up operations comprised a comprehensive loop through the Ness Gardens - a favoured bolting point for a Golfer devoid of a club and his balls.

 

Exiting the Ness Gardens, it was on to Horse Lane and following a combination of flour and pink chalk marks back into Shaldon village. The pink chalk arrows were small. They needed to be because on earth paths they were marked on small flat stones.

 

The marks took us past the Ferry Boat Inn and the London Inn with a stretch of beach thrown in for good measure.

 

Bugger! Mopping up had taken longer than planned and I'd missed the deadline for the Grog RV. I had also lost contact with the rest of my squadron; last seeing Arkangel at the car park end of the secret tunnel. 

 

Never mind, push on across the Shaldon Bridge. Right and right again and onto the footpath that runs behind Teignmouth RFC's grounds and thence up and over the Orangery and then dropping down to cross over the pedestrian railway bridge and onto Quay Road.

 

Just before arriving back at HQ, I caught up with Hare cum Quartermaster Forrest-Stump. He was carrying the remnants from the Grog stop....perhaps it was A Bridge Too Far (1977) to ask if there was any left?

 

Down-Downs

Back at HQ, the "It ain't half hot Mum" concert troop had been usurped by a demon duet comprising a pirate and his mermaid daughter. Sea Shanties were the order of the day.

 

This would have been fine except that spy Bluebird knew all the words and had to join in.

 

Soon all hashers, runners and pirates alike, joined in the revelling. The routing of the Ness Golfers had gone remarkably well - especially considering the Hash regiment's history of failed operations.

 

A break in the proceedings allowed for scoff time and time for the Down Downs.

 

We thanked the pub for the beer and then the M-P (Military Police) took over to identify those deserving of court martial.

 

First up was spy Bluebird with a tale of treasonous magnitude. Big End would be AWOL next week as he was playing GOLF....cavorting with the enemy.....and a paid up member of Sanford Cricket Club to boot. Fortunately, we had our Songmeister with us so something to do with a malfunctioning Aladdin's lamp.

 

Next was not a charge but an award. Satnav stepped up to award the DCM (Do Come Mondays) to Horny for exemplary leadership skills in guiding Long & Short squadrons through the tank traps. 

 

The Songmeister proceeded onto part 2 of the Tale of Alladin's Lamp and how it came to be planted in the Sultan's favourite camel's backside!

 

Back on to charges. This time it was a charge of a serious map reading error. The guilty party was the inappropriately named Satnav. Details of the charge were read out in Court: "RV'd at the Kings Arms Kingsteignton and not the Devon Arms in Teignmouth". A ditty about Old McDonald and tourets.

 

The final half of Ale. By rights this should have gone to Forrest-Stump for an excellent trail including arranging our early nautical adventure. But Forerst was having none of it. He, appropriately, suggested that the award should go to the best dressed Pirate. 

 

Candidates were whittled down to two; Beeflicker and Horny - though the GM was slightly aggrieved at not even being nominated - with Horny declared the winner. 

 

Her pink pirate number looked quite fetching. Wholly inappropriately Pork Torpedo let rip with his ditty about the attractions of a young woman with barn doors and an ability to secrete barrels about their person. How touching!

 

Birdlogue

A most enjoyable day, what with the trail lay in the afternoon in glorious weather, and then the shanty singing in the Devon Arms later. 

 

I was determined to make sure the trail succeeded, parking in the Ness CP and checking all marks were in position a few minutes before the D-Day landing. 

 

Well done indeed, Forrest, a five star evening!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The King Willam IV, Totnes with Hare Beeflicker.

 

On-On to next week.