DON'T SPILL A DROP!

TVH3 The Words for 24th July 2023

The Royal Oak, Dunsford  

 

Run No. 1979

HARES: Forrest Stump & Pisswell

Who wuz there: Forrest-Stump, Pisswell, U-Bend, Man-Pig, Wetfart, Archangel, Zoot, Hotlips, Ollie (Hotlips' son), Bluebird, Tamsin (Miss Ing), Wood-Lend, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beefy, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me, Big End & Daughter, Ned, Well Hopped, Fukarewe, Ernie, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Fallen Woman, Soapy, Palmolive, Melonpicker, Piddler, Strap-On and a young, fast returnee - also named Ollie.

Circle

In the absence of Shitfaced, U-Bend assumed the role of GM for the evening. Smellie announced that the next available slot for Haring was 25th September. 

Forrest was just about to explain the trail when Wood-Lend arrived late in a brand new Suzuki - very posh.

Eventually, some (mis)guidance from the Hare. The trail was laid in both sawdust and flour. Some parts of the trail were "out & back". Accordingly, blobs of flour or sawdust would be on both siders of the road or track. 

Distance wise....now listen very, very carefully....there was a very Short, a very very Short and a Walkers'. I didn't actually hear mention of a Medium or Longs but, apparently, 6 miles was mentioned. Then Pisswell chipped in that there would be both a drink stop and a sweetie stop but, and this is a BIG BUT, you had to bring your own cup. I don't think anyone had their own cup.

The Trail

Well, it's been a long, long time since we ran from the Royal Oak. 2015 to be precise. Would the run be equally as long. With the demon duo of Forrest-Stump and Pisswel as Hares the portents were that it would, indeed, be Long.....perhaps even longer than The Words.....well, not that Long!

So, where did we go? On a lot of virgin territory with some fantastic views. But it was long. Longer for some than others as we shall see.

We turned right out of the car park behind the pub and, in next to no time we cam to the Walkers/Long & Short split. A few yards further down our first check. 

The wide track up to the right looked promising. A promise that appeared to have been confirmed by Fukarewe returning from the other direction empty handed - obviously not on trail. Hence it had to be up this track. Most of the pack had already embarked in a northwesterly direction up towards Collarbridge led by Beeflicker. Backmarking FRB's were soon overtaking the rest of the pack. I only saw one mark but most of the pack were still in front of me and heading uphill. The Bird and I steadilly picked them off until we were on our own with just Beeflicker and Tamsin ahead of us.

It was at this point that we were just a little perturbed about the absence of marks. We could just see Beeflcicer and Tamsin ahead of us and we could still hear Hashers behind us. Sights fixed on the FRB, we were on a mission, marks or no marks. It had to be "on" this way. Myopically, we closed in on the slowing FRB's. in fact they had ground to a halt scratching their heads.

"Are we On?" enquired Beeflicker.

A perfectly reasonable request to which I honestly responded "Yes".

We carried on and on and up to the junction with a lane at Collarbridge; an ideal place for a check, or failing that, at least a dot. Nothing. Absolutely billy zip. Whilst we were navel gazing in disbelief Strap-On arrived.

"Maybe we are on Trail after all", I pondered. However, after a couple of minutes no-one else had arrived so back down it was. All the way back down into Dunsford where Pisswell was waiting for us. Sure enough, less than 150m from the start of the track there was, indeed, a cross in sawdust. The Bird and I were suspicious. Had this cross been put in AFTER we had commenced our ascent. we were convinced it had been. A glance at the Satnav, just under 1.5 miles and we still less less than 200m from the pub. We were also a long way behind and with little knowledge of what was yet to come.

A jolly Pisswell pointed us in the right direction and after only 50 yards (imperial measurements now) there was a Long/Short split.

"Surely Fukarewe can't have missed this", I thought. It turned out to be a bit of a spooky L/S split as the Shorts stayed on the road whilst the Longs ran in parallel along the raised pavement. A check had us go left. In front of us rose Bridford Woods. I had a strong feeling, "I bet we're going to the top of those woods...and they look quite high".

After another 250 yards an arrow had us going left, over a stile, and along a slightly overgrown footpath. The road that we had just run down had marks on both the left and the right. this would be the "Out & Back" part of the trail. The footpath then crossed a field and onto the Exeter-Mortenhampstead Road. Here we caught up with back markers Strap-On and Smellie. The ensemble now comprised Man-Pig, Bluebird, Tamsin, Smellie and Strap-On. Beeflicker was well gone. Somehow we'd lost the trail by the time we hit the road. Man-Pig checked right and found the "On-Home" marks for the Walkers. Time to check in the opposite direction. Sure enough an arrow had us crossing the road and joining the footpath behind "The Old Dairy".

 

 

"Stepping Stones!". Smellie took one look at them and hightailed it back to the pub......a wise decision. The Pig, with some considerable trepidation, made it nearly all the way across before bottling out and jumping into the river, bypassing the final two stones. Behind me shrieks. "I'm stuck Man-Pig. I'm stuck". The septuagenarian Bird had bitten off more than he could chew. this was not helped by him insisting on filming his dilemma and thereby becoming even more unbalanced. The Christian Pig, recalling his St Christopher's pendant from many years ago, jumped back in to hold the Birds's hand. Eventually, the Bird made it to the other side but had to resort to jumping into the river rather than risk the last two stones.

Tamsin made a far better go of it. she managed 50% of the stones unaided but eventually succumbed to the wet stuff. Finally, Start-On gave it a go. 50-50. Fifty percent goat and 50% duck as he leapt and then waddled his way to the far side of the Teign. By this time, Pisswell had arrived.

"Watch out for the wobbly rock".

"What wobbly rock?"

"The one you're next to".

Sure enough, it was a wobbler. But I hadn't noticed it when I'd been standing on it.

Into Bridford Woods and a check which had been kicked-out, inevitably uphill. Up we went on a well marked trail. Just as the track levelled off, another check kicked-out left and onto a track at the edge of the Woods just next to a transmitter. We could hear calling ahead of us. We ran through the farm at Woodland and then stopped. Not one cross but two, one on either side of the road. Off course, we stopped dead. But, no less than 50 yards ahead of us were the rest of the Longs and Shorts. this comprised: Fallen Woman, Big end, Ned, Big end's daughter, Well Hopped, Beeflicker, Wood-Lend, Pork Torpedo, Horny and Soapy. They were looking as perplexed as we were.

Eventually a call of "On-On", but from whom? We were on tarmac, good condition tarmac too, and skirting the lower edges of Copplestone Down. I was convinced that this was a private drive to an estate. it is only now, having looked at the OS map, that I can see that it is part of the public highway. It appears to be called Heath Road and it runs straight through the middle of Woodlands Farm.

At the edge of Copplestone Down, a Long/Short split had the Shorts turn right and onto a footpath that takes them across Lower Lowton Down, through Lowton Farm, thence onto Burnicombe before rejoining the Longs at Thorn Farm. At least, this is where it was supposed to go. Imagine Forrest's surprise to meet the Shorts at Plaston Green after they had been upto Helltor Rock.....a map reading error at Burnicombe methinks.

Meanwhile, back on the Longs, the Pig and the Bird caught up with Beefy and Wood-Lend at Windhill Cross. At Windhill Cross farm, we found the track blocked by an ambulance. We thought that this was the promised drink stop and that Pisswell had, somehow purloined a krankenwagon from Torbay Hospital. Not so, a real ambulance and really broken down...in the middle of nowhere. The trail was now pretty much on the ridgeline (at 930 ft above sea level) dead straight and heading due west along Neadon Lane towards Plaistow Green. In fact, it was so straight that I caught my first glimpse of Beeflicker in 5 miles.

At the junction with Lowton Lane, the Bird bailed out. He bee-lined off-trail and down Lowton Lane. He is a thirsty man and he didn't want to miss last orders. 

The Pig followed Beeflicker, Beefy and Wood-Lend, only just ahead of Tamsin...she was doing really well. We were already at the 6 mile marker when we came to an in and out arrow. This was a jolly jaunt up to Heltor Rock and our second viewpoint en trail. A quick photo shoot with Beefy and we were off again. 

At Plaston Green, a vaguely familiar shape appeared. A silver Peugeot estate. It was Forrest-Stump but there was no beer and no sweets. Apparently, they had been at Heltor but we hadn't seen them. 

Forrest said that the Shorts had been through, although they shouldn't have been on this part of the trail. The check had been kicked out, and Forrest confirmed the route as along the lane towards Lower Heltor and then take the second footpath on the right.

We saw an arrow, in sawdust, pointing down a slightly overgrown footpath. Not having clocked another footpath, we assumed that this must be the first footpath and ignored it. 

We carried on into Middle Heltor but found nothing. It was just the Pig, Beefy and Tamsin forming the backmarkers on the Longs. Wood-Lend and Beeflicker were now out of sight but we did wonder if we would catch up with the Shorts but we never did.

The final part of the trail was almost all downhill - thankfully. Heltor had been the highest point. The early parts of this footpath had a dense tree covering and it was now decidedly tipsy. We didn't really need to be out much longer. It was bang on 9pm. 

The trail took us through a small wood and then took a right and downhill across open pasture before dropping back into Bridford Wood. 

A long, but simple descent, on a wide track had us back on the main road at Steps Bridge. But not for long. A final LS/W split had the Walkers remain on the main road whilst the Longs and the Shorts were back into Bridford Woods for the third, and final,  time. 

Eventually, we came to a kicked out check, but it was kicked out uphill. We also came to an arrow, in flour, that was pointing in the direction we'd just come. The logical explanation is that the last leg of the Longs & Shorts return trail was, in fact, the Walkers' outward trail. A sharp left turn had us running downhill and back to the stepping stones that we'd battled with nearly 2 hours past!

We backtracked the outward trail the short distance to the pub. It was almost 9.30. Surely Forrest would have pushed on and completed the Down-Downs by now?

Actually a fantastic trail and a whole load of virgin territory too. So well done Forrest and Pisswell. Additional congratulations to Tamsin for completing all the Longs including the early 1.5 mile fools' errand.

Down-Downs

No. It was 9.45 and the Down-Downs had not been done and the food was still coming out of the kitchen. I was amazed that Smellie was still standing. She must have been in the pub a good hour and a half before the final longs had returned!

Forrest nominated the Pig to conduct proceedings but there was a proviso. The Down-Downs had to be done outside as absolutely no beer was to be spilt on the carpet. 

A light rain had started to fall so some Kissengeresque diplomacy from Forrest won Julie (the landlady) round. We would be allowed to do the Down-Downs inside BUT DON'T SPILL ANY ON THE CARPET!

First up was Smellie. She had two awards from last week. The first one was the birthday hat. There was some discussion about marks and double crosses and hazardous stepping stones. Which of the Hares was to blame? Pisswell or Forrest? Forrest of course. Pork Torpedo offered us the Aladdin's Lamp ditty.

Next up was Strap-On. He had the Jester's hat. There was only one contender. Strap-On regails the story of whingeing and whining in the extreme. The flightless Bird had alighted upon a stepping stone mid-river and could not get off. What a dreadful wail. It was ten times worse than someone learning the bagpipes. What made things even worse was that it went on for ages. So much so that the Pig had to swim to the rescue of someone who is old enough to know better. A down-down for the stranded Bird.

Ablesemen had the third award. After putting Forrest in the frame for another half, Forrest stepped forward to relate the saga of the stepping stones. 'For sheer effort and determination, Able gets the vote!' Bacardi Hat back to Able. Cue Sngmeister with 'Love me Tender' before Able spills nary a drop. All three DD's supped and a clean sheet - as well as a dry carpet.

Finally, the Hashshit shirt. This has spent the past 5 minutes on the floor of the pub, allegedly saving the carpet from dribbles of beer from the Down-Downs. The shirt was so filthy that it would have been far better to risk the dribbles. Nevertheless, Smellie recovered the biohazard from the floor and giave us a little story. 

One of our senior Harriets did ever so well. She was on the Shorts but, in fairness, this was quite a long Short. So long, in fact, that she sneaked a lift back to the pub with the Hare! 

The final Down-Down goes to Fallen Woman to the accompaniment of Pork Torpedo's Aladdin's Lamp. She carefully drank most before abruptly walking back to her chair to drink the rest! That hash gent Forrest stepped in to finish the half. 'He's always been my hero.' said FW.

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Ship, Cockwood with Hares Piltdown Man and Georgy Porgy.

On-On to next week.