HASH ROYALTY, A HASH HERO & WHATAMISTAKATOMAKA!

TVH3 The Words for 2nd October 2023

Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell

Run No. 1989 (#1988 struck out)

HARES: Shitfaced and "friends"

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Bluebird, Beeflicker, Piltdown Man, Smellie, Melonpicker, Soapy, Strap-On, Strap-Dancer, Coldtits, Wetfart, Fukarewe, Beefy, Pisswell, Big End, Well Hopped, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Broken Man, Fallen Woman, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Threesum, Martin, Bobbiball, Hotlips, Zoot, international returnees Wigwam & Mrs Sheen and special returnee Kingfisher (Dan, Winfield's son).

 

Circle

Shitfaced needed numbers for the chicken casserole and bread which was being laid on by the pub especially for us.

 

There then followed a number of announcements regarding future trails and events:

 

Soapy promoted the Day of the Dead Hash on 30th October. This is to celebrate past Hashers who have passed through the pearly gates. It is a fancy dress run to celebrate the lives of those Hashers who are no longer with us. It is NOT a Halloween Hash and do not dress for Halloween. If you cannot access appropriate attire, red dresses are acceptable.

 

Hotlips is planning on organising a train based pub crawl from Exmouth on 25th November. More details to follow.

 

Smellie needs Hares from November onwards.

 

Finally one of Shitfaced's "friends" managed to get a word in about the trail.

"It's appallingly marked...even by my standards. The Longs' is up a long hill and right at the first junction. This part of the trail is unmarked. Bluebird will take the Shorts. Walkers? I have no idea if Shitfaced has laid anything".

 

The Trail

Having done such a great job of marketing the trail, we ended up with eight stalwarts on the Long: Beeflicker, Beefy, Fukarewe, Pisswell, Big End, Well Hopped, Kingfisher and Man-Pig. 

 

Bluebird had even less takers for the Shorts' trail: Strap-On, Manopause, Coldtits and Smellie. Zoot and Hotlips commenced the Long up Fluder Hill but said that they would do their own thing. I can only assume that the balance of 17 did a live Walkers' trail with Shitfaced.

 

The beginning of the Shorts' trail was also the end of the return trail so it was probably just as well that Bluebird was there to guide the easily confused quartet.

 

Meanwhile, the Longs climbed the mile up Fluder Hill before turning right and down Kingskerswell Lane to join the Shorts near the Wighton public house.

 

The trail was predominantly on road/pavement and the Hares had used blue and yellow chalk to mark the trail. The reflection off the damp tarmac made it particularly hard to see the marks.

 

Eventually, a call of "On-On" from Beefy. The dedicated pack carried on along Newton Road and the first check at Rougemont Avenue. It was straight on and right up Cadewell Lane to Torbay Hospital and the second, and last, Long/Short split.

 

The Shorts, guided by the Bird, carried on up Cadewell Lane to its junction with Collaton Road. The Longs crossed Cadewell Lane into the hospital grounds - and promptly got loss. In fairness, this is where the marks, such that they were, were...errm.....shockingly laid or plain absent.

 

First everyone got lost in the woodland walk before the Hare called them back up to the helicopter landing pad. Fukarewe and Pisswell had been given direction through the main hospital approach by the Hares. In Fukarewe's case, the insider knowledge imparted by Bluebird gave him a head start. In Pisswell's case, the directions imparted by Man-Pig resulted in Pisswell getting lost in her own hospital and ending up at Torquay seafront!

 

The bulk of the Longs went this way and that, but, with the aid of several "On-back"s called by the Hare, they eventually found themselves back on trail behind the nurses' accommodation.

At the eastern edge of the hospital grounds, there is a footpath/cycle path that runs parallel with the railway track all the way down to Shiphay Lane. The last time we ran down here, 20 years ago, it was mud and gravel. Now it is tarmac and lit at night.

 

The trail took the Longs up Shiphay Lane and into the grounds of the grammar schools. This is where we caught up with Fukarewe who was standing forlornly over a back check.

 

It wasn't long before Beeflicker picked up the trail which ran between the lines of the two security railings that separate the girls' grammar school from the boys' grammar school. It looked like part of the Great Escape filmset but without Steve McQueen and his motorcycle. This is an official footpath and it was also virgin territory. At its end, it exits onto Queensway.

 

The trail took us all the way down Queensway and then right at the Haywain pub and the slog up Sherwell Valley Road.

 

Where it levels off, Sherwell Valley Road turns into Hawkins Avenue before meeting Upper Cockington Lane at a T-junction. The trail took us right, along the part of Upper Cockington Lane that forms the eastern boundary of the grammar school.

 

At Marldon Road, it was right and along the top end of Shiphay Avenue.

 

The Longs had just completed a huge loop (well, more of a square really); another 200 metres and we would have been back at the entrance to the grammar schools. But it was not to be.

 

The trail now took us down Dairy Hill and past the Devon Dumpling and along Collaton Road. Amazingly, the Longs did seem to be finding the indistinct chalk marks as the sweeping hare couldn't keep up with them.

 

The junction of Collaton Road and Cadewell lane is where the Shorts' and the Longs' trails rejoined for the final descent into Edginswell opposite the Vauxhall dealership.

 

The trail now veered left and into the new industrial estate, part of which is still under construction. This did not deter visually impaired Hashers and the trail now took us through an unlocked five bar gate and across a large levelled building plot. 

 

On the other side, the exit onto a public footpath was blocked by two large panels of galvanised Heras fencing....or was it? If you breathed in you could just about squeeze through a tiny gap at the edge of the fencing. 

 

Here a large arrow took the pack onto a wide gravel footpath, under Hamelin Way, across a pedestrian footbridge over the railway and out onto the Torquay Road just east of the Hare and Hounds. From here it was a simple trot back to Nellie.

 

All back by 9pm. Well, almost all. Pisswell was enjoying a dip at Torquay seafront and Beefy was on parade as he was moonlighting as a big yellow taxi driver....or was that a chauffeur?

 

THEBIRDISTHEWORD

The friends of Shitfaced were faced with a possible dilemma for the trail from the Nellie. Man-Pig was doing the Salcombe marathon on Saturday and might be a little worse for wear come the Monday.

To try and take the strain, for once, I came up with what I thought might be a passable trail going Torquay side for a change.

 

Man-Pig successfully completed the full marathon and reported all was well on the Sunday. However, on Monday afternoon when we set off, Man-Pig suffered a delayed reaction and was pretty tired I can tell you.

 

We spent a drizzly few hours or so making it up as we went, encountering unfortunate trail interruptions along the way. 

 

In the hospital grounds, a public footpath was chained off and we were thwarted several times trying to escape the sprawling complex.

 

Shiphay Grammar school's former green and pleasant fields had now been transformed into a nightmarish Stalag. Razor sharp security fencing and locked gates were everywhere. My planned foray around our (Torquay Boys Grammar) cross-country circuit was now impossible.

 

I had thought the long would be about four miles and the short about three but the forced detour through to Queensway added considerably to the total mileage. Never mind, it was, as usual, an enjoyable trail lay for us.

 

Come the trail later on, there was excitement and drama aplenty out there for the loyal and dedicated hashers who actually went on trail on a drizzly, far from welcoming evening.

 

The plan went to the script as the longs and shorts joined up seamlessly at the traffic lights before the Wighton. A marvellous sight to see Beefy, Beeflicker and Kingfisher pouring it on.

I wish I could have been with you.

 

I continued with the shorts up to the final L/S split outside Cadewell lane Hospital entrance.

Sending them on their merry way, I had a rather unfortunate encounter with someone I thought was Wetfart. 

 

It certainly looked a lot like him and I was surprised he had got here in front of us. I approached and called out: 'Hi Wetfart, what are you doing this far out?' It was not Wetfart. Getting closer, it transpired it was someone much younger and he hadn't taken kindly to being called Wetfart.... I hastily retreated.

Whatamistakatomaka!

 

I saw Coldtits through the L/S and went back, avoiding the climb to the Dumpling.

 

Wet Johnny was sadly injured and could not do the long but did what he could - speedy recovery, I trust.

 

For Man-Pig to sweep the longs was necessary but extremely brave. He was tired in the afternoon, so gawd knows how he managed it. A hash hero.

 

Lovely to see Kingfisher after what we think a twenty year gap. In case the longs didn't know, he was a high class runner back in the day - and seems to still be able to go a bit!

 

Hash royalty were there with Wigwam and Mrs Sheen paying a flying visit from Poland. Quite a night!

The only 'low' was when I mislaid my phone and spent some time on the floor searching for it... sigh.

The Royal Bat Hat had an airing in celebration of Kingfisher, Wiggy and Mrs Sheen.

Once again, as is now the recognized protocol, neither hare got a DD. Strange, as all other hares get one, eh, MP?

 

Never mind, we had a really good evening! ON ON!

 

Down-Downs

The Down-Downs commenced by thanking the pub for the beer and laying on the chicken casserole.

Awards were thin on the ground. In fact, there was only one award present. This was the jester's hat which Man-Pig had from a fortnight ago. Man-Pig hadn't seen very much on trail....including his own marks! However, he did have a story relating to Saturday's "Rambo Salcombe Marathon 2023". 

 

Someone, with insider knowledge knew of a promising shortcut in the vicinity of the Garage Rock hotel. This SCB pleaded with man-Pig to join him in his heinous crime of shortcutting but Man-Pig's integrity remained intact. "No sir. I shall pursue the coast path to its bitter end". With that, the duo went their separate ways.

 

On arriving at the Salcombe/Eastportlemouth ferry, this SCB was looking very smug and tucking into his second ice cream. So what is the identity of this king of the SCB'ers?. None other than our very own Fukarewe. Well done. Songmeister Pork Torpedo piped up with the dodgy Aladdin's lamp song.

In the absence of any other awards, tales or even blatant lies, we gave two halfs to our international returnees, Wigwam & Mrs Sheen. Another ditty from Pork Torpedo.

 

We also had a huge run badge to award but who on earth had achieved 800 runs? Calls to the floor suggested Bobbiball as a top candidate but with Soapy and Melonpicker also in contention. The badge belonged to Bobbiball who, amazingly, didn't know how to drink a Down-Down after 800 runs! Well it was a pint of water - his first, allegedly, in 800 runs!

 

The final half pint of ale. Should it go to Bluebird for directing the co-hare across a building site and having the entire Hash squeeze through a tiny gap in some Heras fencing? Then a timely entry from behind. It was 9.50pm and Pisswell had just finished the trail. Apparently, she got lost in her own hospital. Obviously, she won the Down-Down hands down. Pork Torpedo came up with a rude song about rolling back foreskins!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at Cockhaven Manor, Bishopsteignton with Hares Big End and well Hopped.

On-On to next week.