TVH3 The Words for 13th November 2023
Tucker's Maltings Taphouse, Newton Abbot
Run No. 1995
HARE: Archangel
Who
wuz there: Archangel, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Hotlips, Zoot, Beefy,
Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum,
Wet Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Fukarewe, Ernie, U-Bend, Tamsin, Well
Hopped, Big End, Psycho, Ben (Psycho's partner), Warm Front,
Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Ablesemen, Wetfart, Strap-On, Strap Dancer,
Forrest Stump, Woodland, an elderly chap who's run with us before &
who had travelled by train to the Hash - sorry, I can't recall your
name, Bobbiball & Threesum (the latter two pub only).
Circle
There
was concern at the Circle. The Hare wasn't present. Was he still
setting the trail? Was there a trail? Or, had he already laid the trail
and enjoying a well deserved pint in the Taphouse? Soon our concerns
were allayed as Arkangel strolled into the Circle.
Shitfaced's
only announcement was that Threesum should have been there as she was
selling tickets for the Christmas party and raffle tickets.
Smellie was desperate for a Hare for 27th November (which I understand has now been filled).
The Hare gave the briefest of descriptions of the trail:
"There
is a Long & a Short. For the Walkers, follow the Shorts and, at
the second Long/Short split, come back on yourselves".
"How long is the Shorts?", asked Piltdown Man.
The Hare was not forthcoming.
"There is a Longs and a Shorts", he repeats. What mystery lies before us?
But, before the off, an update on Teapot from Wetfart.
"There is no change. Still waiting for the results of tests". We all hope and pray for a diagnosis and treatment very soon.
The Trail
What on earth can I say about tonight's trail? It maybe best to paraphrase Black Adder: the Hare has devised a trail so cunning that you could put a mink stole on it and call it a weasel.
And jolly weasily it was. So weasily in fact, that this was the first
ever trail that I'd been on where I have gone wrong at least twice at
every single check!
With
the wisdom of having now completed the trail, in many respects it was
quite a simple one. A canter down to Hackney Marshes and back.
The
trail took us past the Taphouse and down to the canal and the first
check. The trail then took us right towards the Brunel industrial estate
but, before the estate, the first of the two Long-Short splits. The
Longs turned right and up a short length of uneven track up to the
corner of the industrial estate.
Unknown
to the Longs, the Shorts meanwhile carried on just around the corner
and crossed over the new pedestrian bridge and onto the Newton Abbot to
Kingsteignton cycle path behind the racecourse.
The
Longs were lulled into a false sense of security as the marks were
well laid. A combination of dots and arrows. In no time at all we we at
the second check. This was at the footbridge that spans Aller Brook
and the A380 and provides a shortcut to Buckland.
Beeflicker
checked over the footbridge and found nothing. Beefy was returning
from the estuary end of the footpath so I followed Tamsin, Warmfront
and Psycho along the only other possibility - the footpath to The Penn
Inn. Again, nothing. I was sure that the trail would have taken us over
the footbridge. this would have us climbing up to Woodside Copse and
then taking the path under the A380 and back towards whence we came.
I
rechecked over the footbridge and found nothing. Back at the check,
the trail had now been called. We followed the footpath that runs along
the western edge of Aller Brook up to the point at which it flows into
the estuary. Here we came to another check and a dot on a wooden bench
straight ahead. There is no path straight ahead so Tamsin and I took a
right heading towards Coombe Cellars.
A
little knowledge is a dangerous thing and I was 100% convinced that
the trail would take us in a clockwise loop under the A380. We got to
the point at which a track passes under the A380 and into the edge of
the Buckland estate. I was incredulous. Still nothing.
Backtracking
towards the Brunel Industrial estate, Tamsin got a move on and that
was the last I saw of her. I jogged slowly back to the check half
expecting to find the befuddled pack still there. A sole Harriet was
looking at the check. It was Smellie. Where on earth had everyone gone?
The trail couldn't possibly go back into the industrial estate as we'd
be back tracking over the outward trail. Hence I checked out the
footpath that runs down the east side of Aller
Brook.....nothing.....again! I returned to the check, and Smellie,
empty handed.
Almost
conceding defeat, we took the steps down to the grassy patch of
foreshore where the canal meets the estuary. This is a spot favoured by
anglers. We still didn't find any marks. Time to return to the On-Down
for an early beer.
It
did cross my mind that it was just possible that we could be heading
towards Hackney Marshes without backtracking, but only by a matter of
yards. I looked up the canal to the new footbridge. I knew that we were a
long way behind but not that far. I had expected to see Hashers'
torches crossing the new bridge - but nothing.
We
had lost the trail, so Smellie and I set off for an early pint when,
lo and behold, an arrow. This appeared from the spot favoured by
anglers and was directing us back into the industrial estate. More
arrows and we were, indeed, back on track and heading towards Hackney
Marshes.
Just
over the new bridge, we came across the first of the walkers on the
return trail. It was Ablesemen and Wetfart. Just behind them was
Slip-on-Me. As we carried on along the cyclepath on the outward leg
towards Kingsteignton, we encountered several other Hashers on the
return leg; Wet-Johnny, Erection, Manopause, then Piltdown Man and
Forrest Stump and, eventually, the Hare. Archangel simply told us to
carry on towards Kingsteignton and then turn back.
There
was still no sign of any of the FRB's on the return trail. Then we
encountered a long but shallow puddle. It rather looked as though a lot
of the Shorts and Walkers had turned back prematurely so as to avoid
wet feet. Smellie was happy to continue so we carried on only to find
that the arrows were now pointing towards us....obviously on the return
trail.
We
carried on to the second and last Long/Short split. We turned down the
opportunity to go Then short...perhaps a mistaka? Soon we were at a
check. One of the options was to go down into the reeds. However, we
were now on a flood tide, and the path through the reeds was under about
4 inches of water. I checked it out nonetheless.....nothing.
Next
we checked the path dead ahead of us.....nothing. The final option was
over a wooden bridge, more of a raised duckboard really. Yes, a mark
and we were back on trail....but now it had become a wet one. Several
parts of this section of the trail were beginning to flood. Undaunted,
we carried on. Just before reaching Greenhill Way we ran out of marks
and we'd just waded through 6 inches of water.
I
thought that we were on a flood tide and that the return trail would
become even deeper. Hence, when reaching Greenhill Way with no marks,
we decided to return to the On-Down by road.
We'd
just started our return when we came across an arrow. Back on trail
again, we crossed Greenhill Way and followed the cycle track to the
edge of Kingsteignton Church (St Gregory's I think).
The
obvious route for the trail would be through the graveyard but there
were no marks. We skirted the edge of the churchyard and found a check
outside the entrance to the churchyard at the end of Church Lane. It
had not been kicked out and we did wonder if we might be the only ones
on trail this far out.
We
checked down Church Lane which is, in fact, a pretty footpath with a
stream running along one edge. Near the entrance to the bowling club,
we came across a mark. We were on trail, or so we thought.
Arriving
opposite the Bell Inn, the Pig checked dead ahead, then down to the
main road and the Kings Arms and then uphill towards the upper part of
Greenhill Way. I didn't bloody believe it....f**king nothing. The
Hare's habit of not using any crosses to denote a false trail was
giving us the run around big time. But, it wasn't cold. It wasn't
raining. We weren't tired and it was only 8.30. In fact, the pair of us
were quite enjoying our solitary duet in a funny kind of way.
Back
at the last check we thought we'd better check out the only unchecked
avenue remaining. Bugger me. Marks! Good marks too. Heading east along
the northern end of the churchyard then left uphill and right onto
Greenhill Lane.
At
Greenhill Way, an arrow had us going up Greenhill Way before another
arrow had us crossing the road for the second time. I had a good idea
where we were going - The Passage House. We'd better not be turning off
and crossing the fields onto Combeshead Road because that would be a
jolly long trail. Poor Smellie had no idea where she was. However, she
did find time to photograph evidence of confusing marks....usually two
arrows in the same spot pointing in opposite directions.
We were in good spirits. My only concern was that, if we were on a flood tide, how deep would the return trail be?
At
the Passage House, we were back on good marks. Again, a combination of
dots, arrows - and a dead swan. Amazingly, all was dry and the tide
didn't look too high. We followed the trail under the railway bridge
and back into Hackney Marshes. A huge arrow had us heading back towards
Newton Abbot. Now Smellie knew exactly where she was as we passed the
first set of contradictory marks that she'd photographed earlier.
A simple run had us back at the Taphouse at 8.55pm - and not too wet either.
Down-Downs
The
Hare had arranged for the Taphouse to open especially for us as they
don't usually open on a Monday. Additionally, last week the Hare had put
a notice up in the foyer. This advised that the pub was open to all on
Monday and, if you wanted a bit of fun, bring a torch and trainers and
join Teign Valley Hash for a trail. As it turned out, we had no
surprise visitors. A shame. I think that they would have enjoyed it.
Forrest
Stump assumed RA duties for the evening. He commenced by thanking
Chris (barman) and the pub for opening and providing an assortment of
cider, beer and water for the Down-Downs.
The first beer went to the Hare for an excellent and, at times, befuddling trail.
For
some reason, Forrest then decided to strip off, to the horror of all
Harriets, and don the filthy Hashshit shirt. Then Bobbiball (the first
of many choruses of Bobbiball, Bobbiball.....) got the shirt for
turning up and not doing the run. This was because he could save himself
the £1 run fee. Tightarse! Nightmaringly, Bobbi now stripped off too. I
was surprised none of the Harriets fainted. No Bobbi - fainted, not
swooned. For being so tight fisted he got the glass of water.
Piltdown
Man had the Baby Bat Hat from last week. This he awarded to Woodlend.
He had spent part of the evening assuming the role of a Deliveroo
driver after having gone to Dominos for victuals.
The
final beer. Where was this going to go? Hotlips stepped up. He praised
the sterling work of the NHS especially during the covid crises. He
was particularly congratulatory regarding their care and consideration
for the elderly and especially those suffering from Reynard's disease -
poor circulation in cold weather. This makes ones toes, fingers and
the end on the penis turn white due to reduced blood flow. So it came
as a pleasant surprise when one of our Harriets, who is also a nurse,
came up to him and asked:
"How is your penis?"
Well
done Psycho. You've only been back running with us for three weeks and
you've succeeded in getting an almost unprecedented 3 awards in three
weeks. You may well find yourself a candidate for Pillock of the Year!
Appropriately, the Down-Down song was, "Hold it in your hand Mrs
Murphy".
Finally,
someone had a 100 run badge but who was it? It is the fastest woman on
the Hash (and on the Grizzly). For a slightly built lady, Warmfront
certainly had no problem in making a half pint of ale disappear
sharpish!
Next week
Next
week's Hash is in Abbotskerswell, with Hares Sugar Puff and Camel Toe.
At the moment, we anticipate the On-Down being The Court Farm - watch
this space for further details.
On-On to next week. MP
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