TVH3 The Words for 1st January 2024

The Park Inn, Kingskerswell

Run No. 2001 A Space Odyssey?

 

HARES: Shitfaced and 'now they tell me' Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Only Here for the Beer, Slip-on-Me, Tamsin, Smellie, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Beefy, Well Hopped and South Hams visitors Squashed Balls and Twin Buffers.

 

Pre(sh)amble to disaster

On the 22nd of December, after posting the festive greetings header with the tantalizing: 'On on to next year for #2001 A Hash Odyssey', the GM messaged, asking if I would like to lay the trail.

 

That set in train a series of well-meaning exchanges, unfortunately culminatng in the greatest misunderstanding since the Charge of the Light Brigade. Sigh.

 

The valiant Man-Pig (stood for it once more) bore the brunt of expectations and would Shirley cover himself in glory (and water) out there on that sodden and windswept plain.

 

The Grand Master, tapping the bar in irritation, has summoned me to the Park Inn for an explanation of the outrage.

 

The only tiny crumb of comfort is that there may be precious Pillock Points in the offing...Shirley?

On then, with gritted teeth to Man-Pig's terrible tale of woe, and kindly note, the Idiot's name is never mentioned in plea of mitigation..

 

Circle

"Happy New Year everybody", yes, that's all twelve of you, was Shitfaced's welcome into the Circle for the first run of 2024.

 

The previous day's weather forecast had been quite promising, wet and windy conditions subsiding by 6pm.

 

Well, this statement contained more inaccuracies than a Hare's description of a trail.

 

On the day, the forecast had changed. It had morphed into a yellow weather warning. A 99% chance of rain and strong winds at 7pm increasing to a mere 100% probability of rain and strong winds between 8 and 9pm. Ideal! Perhaps this had contributed to the low numbers?

 

However, I am aware that quite a few have been struck down by the lurgy and, looking around the circle, it looked like there were still a few sore heads remaining from the New Year's Eve celebrations.

Shitfaced asked Piltdown to compile a run list for 2023 as it would soon be voting time for the annual Awards.

 

Man-Pig gave a brief update on Teapot. He had heard from Desperate Housewife and relayed the following message:

"Desperate Housewife has dropped me an e-mail. She says that Teapot and the family are bowled over by the Christmas cards, well wishes and chocolates. Dad has received a diagnosis and hopefully is now on the road to recovery". We all hope so. I also understand that a couple of Hashers have managed to visit Teapot over Christmas including Wetfart. Well done.

 

Shitfaced described the Walkers' trail. Unsurprisingly, it would be a walk up to the Nellie for a drink and then return to the Park Inn for scoff and Down-Downs.

 

Then over to the Hare for details of the Longs and the Shorts. Shitfaced was looking at me....so were Tamsin, Beefy and Well Hopped. Everyone else was wondering how wet they would get on the way to and from the Nellie.

 

Man-Pig is bereft of flour or any idea that he was tonight's de facto Hare. It is the very first day of the year and TVH mismanagement has risen/sunk (delete as appropriate) to its usual standard.

 

A combination of communication breakdown, presumption and misleading promotions had eight Hashers making a bee-line for the Nellie and three suspicious Hashers looking at me in expectation.

 

"It will be a live trail", I croaked (MP is still recovering from a chest infection). "We will have to run at the pace of the slowest runner. Do you want 3 or 4 miles?"

 

Three was the consensus.

 

Trail

It was bang on 7.30. Cognisant of the fact that it would be nice to pop into the Nellie for a swift half before the Walkers had left, the de facto Hare would have to plan a 40 minute run....on the hoof.

Beefy obviously hadn't read the weather forecast and was running in a singlet. although Tamsin, Well Hopped and the Pig looked like they were part of a Chris Bonnington expedition.

 

And so off they went, disappearing into the wind and the rain.

 

The Pig led the mini-pack of four right out of the pub car park along Coles Lane and School Lane before turning right opposite the Health Centre. Down Pound Lane, past Cheerio Beerio's, and right onto Rose Hill. Left at Man-Pig Mansions and up Yon Street, Huxnor Road and Moles Lane. 

 

The pack kept tight as we turned off-road at North Whilborough and took a rather damp footpath up and then down to connect with the western end of Saturdays Lane. Saturdays Lane was even more damp than the flooded footpath. Beefy was heard to say, in between the gusts of rain, "Space Odyssey? Water Odyssey would have been a more accurate description!".

 

On we ploughed/paddled to the junction with Edginwell Lane. A right turn, under Hamelin Way and then left and down a footpath running along the western edge of a new industrial estate. A canter over the footbridge above the railway line and then left up towards the Hare and Hounds. We crossed the Torquay Road at the Esso station and tootled up Southey Lane passing Threesum's new car....it looks exactly the same as the old one except for the colour.

 

We arrived at the Nellie, almost bang on time, at 8.07. Beefy had recorded 3.4 miles and all of the Shorts were still in the pub. Tamsin is not much of a drinker and elected to run onto the Park inn, as did Well Hopped - apparently Big End is a tad under the weather. Beefy and the Pig popped into the Nellie for a swifter before completing the trail. Amazingly, we were the first ones back.

 

Down-Downs

Park 'n' Ride had laid on scoff for our 5 eaters. There were no awards present from previous weeks so it was straight onto the Down-Downs. Park 'n' Ride was clearing up the plates so we all thanked him for the Down-Downs, scoff and the weather!

 

Given the weather, the RA elected to do the four DD's in one go. But who were the (un)deserving souls? There were no stories so the RA had to make things up - no change there then for 2024.

The first Down-Down went to the Hare for a multitude of issues - mainly poor comms with the de facto Hares. At least we hadn't wasted any flour this evening!

 

The second DD presented to Beefy for thinking the weather was fine and dressing accordingly.

A third half of ale to Man-Pig for interpreting a Space Odyssey as being synonymous with a Water Odyssey.

 

The final half was awarded to our SH4 visitor, Squashed Balls. This was for an appalling joke about an amorous clam with visual effects!

 

A special mention must go to Smellie who was an odds on favourite to receive a Down-Down. On this occasion, Smellie narrowly avoided starting the year with yet another Down-Down. Her offence, shopping on trail....and a repeat offender too!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Two Mile Oak, near Dainton Golf Club. Our Hare for the night is Only Here for the Beer. If the weather's anything like the last time that we ran from here, bring your Speedos!

 

On-On to next week and let's hope that this year is a jolly sight more peaceful, globally, than 2023. MP