TVH3 The Words for 22nd January 2024

Tuckers Maltings Taphouse & Bottle Store, Newton Abbot

Run No. 2004

 

Burns' Night Hash

 

HARES: Ablesemen, Slip-on-Me & Archangel

 

Who wuz there: Ablesemen, Slip-on-Me, Archangel, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Cheerio Beerio, Hotlips, Zoot, Forrest Stump, Perry, Psycho, Warm front, Smellie, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Beefy, Tamsin, Beeflicker, Well Hopped, Big End, Roger the Dodger, Fukarewe, Melon Picker, Soapy, Satnav, Coldtits, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Strap-On, Strap-Dancer, Wet-Johnny, Manopause, Only Here for the Beer, Bobbiball, Wetfart (latter 3 pub only), returnee - last of the Homohicans & special guest of honour, our piper for the evening, Teapot!

 

Circle

Well, this has never happened before. I've sat down to write The Words, and I really don't know where to start.

 

Tonight's Hash had it all: pre-run shots, fancy dress, free food, bagpipes and a closed pub! Yes ladies and gentlemen, an On-Down that was locked and devoid of light and life.

 

In was an inauspicious start to the evening which wasn't helped by a short, but heavy, downpour just as we were about to Circle Up. Was this the tail end of storm Isha or the start of storm Jocelyn?

We all huddled in the porch of the Tap House not knowing what the evening had, or had not, got in store for us.

 

Initially, things looked rather bleak. No pub, no trail and no Hare. Ablesemen had kept detail of tonight's events close to her ample chest but assured us that all had been arranged.... apart from the pub and the trail it appeared.

 

Then, out of nowhere, Ablesemen appeared to impart the following information....err nothing.

Ablesemen and Slip-on-Me confirmed that a trail had been laid. However, arranging for the Taphouse to open especially for us on a Monday night had been left in Archangel's safe and capable hands.....and he wasn't present! 

 

Those who had Archangel's telephone number made urgent attempts to contact him but all were in vain. To calm anxious Hasher's nerves, Slip-on-Me and Satnav distributed pre-run shots of whiskey or rum.

Whilst we were waiting, we were treated to Teignbridge Trotters running up and down Quay Road. They looked a fit bunch. I wondered what they were thinking about us, in fancy dress and drinking shots? "Weirdos. Not runners", probably.

 

Some had elected to wear something Scottish on the run. Others saved their Burns' Night attire for the On-Down (if it eventually opened?).

 

Some of the outfits were excellent. Beefy came with his 6 foot caber which he carried (not for the first time) around the entire trail. Slip-on-Me was trying to convince me that the long brown tail in her tam'o'shanter was an eagle's tail. Hmmm....it looked a lot more like a pheasant's tail to me. 

 

Shitfaced alleged that he was wearing a kilt. However, a mere hour earlier the said kilt had been draped across the window of his caravan....the give-away - a solitary curtain ring! 

 

Wet-Johnny had obviously come as a Scotland football supporter i.e. shorts in the middle of January and a saltire painted on each cheek.

 

The majority of the Hash had made some sort of an effort and they all looked fabulous. All we needed now was a Hare and someone with a key to open the pub.

 

At last. Salvation! The Arkangel Gabriel appeared, seemingly from the heavens. He did not have a key to the pub but advised that all was sorted and that someone would be along shortly to open the pub.

What a relief. Can you imagine it....a dry Burns' Night? The Hash would never live it down.

 

With the shots consumed and the promise of an imminent opening of the Taphouse, it was time to commence the Circle.

 

Smellie needed Hares from 26th February onwards was the only announcement so over to the apparently unflustered Hare, Ablesemen.

 

"There is a Long, a Short and a Walkers' trail. A lot of the trail will be virgin territory....unless you were running with us over twenty years ago! Walkers and Shorts down towards the canal. Longs off up Osbourne Street".

 

Trail

We ran around a bit.

 

The longs looped around Osbourne Park and then along the canal to rejoin the Walkers and the Shorts in Brunel industrial estate. The trail then took us up to the Penn Inn and under the Penn Inn flyover.

The trail now took us parallel with the A380 as we followed marks first along Addison Road and then left and up Laburnum Road. A right onto Ash Way and then a left and into the Penn Inn plantation for a woodland descent back down to the Penn Inn roundabout.

 

Here we rejoined the Walkers' trail along Aller Brook down to the banks of the Teign before a left turn and a return to Brunel industrial estate via the footpath along the bank of the Teign estuary.....simples.

Yes, there was indeed virgin territory in the Milber area. Well done, Ablesemen. How did you mange to get a trail in with all the other bits and bobs you organised on the evening? Multitasking....a skill completely alien to the male gender.

 

Down-Downs

We returned to the pub not really knowing what to expect.

 

There had been rumours that haggis might be available. There was, additionally, the slimmest of slim chances that Teapot might be well enough to pipe in the Haggis. That would be wonderful, but unlikely, I thought.

 

Well, Ablesemen could get a job at MI5 with her ability to keep a secret. On entering the Taphouse the first person I saw was Pork Torpedo resplendent in full Scottish evening dress attire. Behind him a table laden with food, but not just any food. On closer inspection, almost all Scottish in origin.

 

Scottish salmon rolls, crannickan (a Scottish desert), Tunnocks tea cakes (Tunnocks are made in Scotland and Tunnocks are currently the biggest sponsor of London Scottish RFC) and some peculiarly named Manpig sausage rolls. 

 

Ablesemen and her helpers, Satnav and Slip-on-Me must have spent ages laying on all this. What a fantastic effort.

 

But the best was still to come. The Hash were delighted to welcome back Teapot, replete with bagpipes. It was fantastic to have him back. 

 

But it was more meaningful than that. It was heartwarming. A valuable part of the very fabric of TVH had, once again, been reunited with the tapestry that is TVH3.

 

Teapot fired up his pipes and, after a bit of a misfire, we were up and running. Teapot preceded Pork Torpedo and the silver salver of haggis twice around the Taphouse bar, his drone displacing a goodly number of fairy lights in its wake.

 

Pork Torpedo then gave the traditional Burns' Night address to the Haggis...all with verses of it by memory. How does he do it? Whilst the haggis was being sliced and put on oatmeal cakes, Teapot continued playing....now with Flower of Scotland. It was a wonderful spectacle enjoyed by all.

 

Scottish themed attire had been changed for indoor use. Forrest Stump had come as a lumber jack, Psycho had only a small tartan scarf as homage to the Scottish themed evening but she made up for it by ordering an alcoholic Irn-Bru. Warm Front was wearing her tartan pyjama trousers and Smellie was looking marvellous in a tartan skirt (but not a size 8 this year!) and Laphroaig bobble hat - courtesy of one of the pub suppliers.

 

You all looked fantastic. Thankyou for making the effort....just brilliant and Teapot's attendance was the icing on the cake.

 

Once a sizeable dent had been made in the scoff, it was time for the Down-Downs. Part time thespian, Forrest-Stump assumed the role of RA for our Burns' night extravaganza.

 

First up were Down-Downs for our three main organisers for the evening, Ablesemen, Slip-on-Me and Pork Torpedo; and what a fantastic job they all did. Poor Pork Torpedo additionally had to come up with a song for his own Down-Down...Aladdin and his broken lamp.

 

Next up was Teapot As we all know, the past six months has not been a good time for Teapot and his family. Nonetheless, Teapot wanted to say thank you to the Hash in his own way for the support that we have offered him over the period; visits, cards, phone calls and messages have all been such a pickup for him.

 

Four people in particular deserve special mention; Pisswell for coming to see him so often, Beefy for cycling all the way down from Widdicombe -in-the Moor to visit him in hospital, Ablesemen for tireless support and Wetfart - especially for his visits to his home.

 

There are flowers for Pisswell and Ablesemen and a bottle of wine each for Beefy and Wetfart. It is all warmly received and somewhat humbling. We all wish you the speediest of recoveries and many, many more Hashes together.

 

Next there was a firework break....if we could light the damn things. We all shuffled outside. It was a little breezy but at least it was not raining.

 

I seem to recall that a small box of matches contains 49. I think Melonpicker got to about number 42 before he managed to ignite the box of mini rockets....but he got there in the end. With that it was back inside for part two of the Down-Downs.

 

The first down-down of part two went to the only Hare on trail - Arkangel. Pork Torpedo came up with "Twenty Toes".

 

There was a 50th run badge to award. But to whom? Forrest knew and immediately tried giving it to Slip-on-Me. this, despite Forrest having given Slip-on-Me her 200th run badge at last week's Hash. The scene was reset. 

 

This time he wanted to give it to Warm Front. Continuing last week's panto theme, the Hash shouted out, "Oh no it isn't". There was a second reset. Forrest is threatened with being banned from future RA'ing before he eventually settled on Strap-Dancer.

 

There was only one award present from previous weeks. Shitfaced had the Jester's Hat. The nomination was all to obvious. For his senior moment , Shitfaced gives the Jester's hat to a thoroughly deserving RA. The songmeiter piped up with, "He's no bloody use for anything....." Quite apt really.

 

Were there any stories? Regrettably, yes. Pork Torpedo stepped forward in full Scottish regalia to remind us all of what is, and is not, worn under the kilt. Pork Torpedo went on to remind everyone of the shameful events that were "uncovered" at the TVH3 Christmas Party. 

 

Oh dear. I could see this unfolding before me in slow motion. It was just like recalling a car accident - both inevitable and unavoidable. 

 

And so it was that the only other bekilted Hasher got to get his underpants back. But, there was a catch. Well, there would be with Pork Torpedo. The guilty party would have to drink his Down-Down through his pants!

 

"Back or front" Pork Torpedo invited the pack to chose.

 

"Back" was the answer. The Pig was blindfolded with his own grundies and forced to down his half of ale through said attire......and Horny had only just washed and ironed them too!

 

The last half of ale needed dispatching, and we had a birthday. A big birthday. Someone would be 70 on Thursday. It was Slip-on-Me. Ablesemen had arranged a card which had been signed by all of the Hash. Now it was time to give Slip-on-Me her card and birthday Down-Down - and a birthday cake!. As per usual, all the right notes but not necessarily in the right order.

 

Finally a big "Thankyou" to the pub for the Down-Downs and opening especially for us.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell. The Hares are Shitfaced and friends, I think.

 

On-On to next week. MP