A HEART TO HEART HASH by Pisswell

TVH3 The words for 12th February 2024

Run No 2007, Valentines hash

 

The Dolphin, Bovey Tracey

 

Hares: Coldtits, Beefy and Pisswell

 

Who woz there: Shitfaced, Manpig, Manopause, Wet Johnny, Big End, Wellhopped, Slip on me, Cheerio Beerio (dance venue only and bringing professional dance experts, Eva, AKA Puddle Plopper, and Darcy AKA Twinkle Toes,) Able Semen, Zoot, Hotlips, Mateus Rose, Rise and Shine, Wet Fart, Melon Picker, Ernie, Piltdown Man, Georgie Porgie, Checkmate, Checkmate’s mate (Shane), Warm Front, Pyscho, Beefy, Pisswell and Coldtits.

 

The circle

People unfortunately had not persuaded their “unwilling partners” to attend our Romantic valentines hash, but many had turned out inappropriate [sic] clothing!

 

There was no Smellie re further hash dates. Apparently, she had better romantic ideas for herself! No Pisswell at the circle either, so hope everyone paid up!

 

Georgie Porgie and Piltdown Man announced that they would not be attending for the next four weeks and so Able offered to take names for attendees.

 

Wetfart said that Teapot had been unwell again and it would be a while before he would be back to the hash. DIY Scoff orders for the evening to be placed at the bar please.

 

No 1 Hare: The other hares being out on trail, Beefy explained that there would be three trails from the Dolphin, with regroups. The regroups would be overseen by two dominatrices.

 

Hashers were reminded that it was important to be obedient and be submissive as there would be prizes for those that obeyed.

 

The trail

Hashers ran from the CP in all directions as expected but where was the trail? Beefy herded the hash, and the odd cat, to the first regroup, just across the road in the Riverside community hall. 

 

There they were greeted by hares no 2 and 3, Coldtits and Pisswell, and also Cheerio Beerio and her two professional dancers Eva and Darcy. (Their real names are listed above, but they used their professional names for the evening!)

 

The 5 had decorated the hall in balloons, banners and lots of fairy lights. Love potions were served, roses were placed between teeth and hashers were given a pre hash warm up, by learning some dirty dancing.

 

A simple sexy salsa was taught to them all to the tune of Despercito. Coldtits and Pisswell wielded their whips to keep everyone in line and having a go.

 

Heart Trail 1

Beefy had lovingly and romantically devised the same route for everyone with a heart being incorporated into each trail. So if you are a Strava or Garmin fan, you will have gone home with at least two, if not three, extra hearts.

 

Pisswell and Coldtits tried cleverly to stagger the intervals between departures from the hall, pretending that some groups had tried harder or done it better, (ha ha!) and hoping that everyone should return at the same time, whilst Beefy tried to ensure that it happened.

 

As you can imagine, it was like herding cats! The first trail was a simple 1/2m around the Mill Marsh park, but obviously not as simple as the people doing it!

 

However, eventually all returned to the hall to dance party no 2. 

 

Again, all were welcomed with any left over love potions. Actually, I think it made all the difference to these “close encounters” with the opposite sex hashers! This time there were strawberries, some of which were dipped in chocolate.

 

The rest had a promise of chocolate, slightly spoilt by Pisswell’s emergency run to the camper van to do some more. She found Beefy lying unconsciousness from his running efforts, and despite their best combined efforts, they were unable to produce enough gas to light the stove!

 

For the health conscious, there was also oyster (mushrooms) at the party, to get you going, and carrots to see whereyou were going! All sugar free, gluten free, wheat free. In fact just free!

 

So to the accompaniment of some Irish music, we then attempted to “Strip the willow”. In fact the Irish dancers “tie their laces” or, is it “ undo the laces”? But it all happens in the middle of sets. (not sex!) 

 

Well, I have no idea how our hashers ever get to a hash on time with their shoes on, because it was hilarious! How hard is it to “Right hand turn your partner”, “left hand turn” the next in the line? It was!

Anyway, again the walkers won the contest, followed by shorts and leaving the longs to shape up those moves!

 

Heart Trail 2

This time, Beefy directed the hashers up to the recreational ground, where they picked up marks ( dashes) to form a new heart. 

 

The mileage this time was about 1m, giving the walkers a total of 1 1/2m covered, before their return to the pub. 

 

For some, this was sooner than others. Wet Fart said he was exhausted from the dancing! Do I believe that? ….No.

 

Well, eventually more filed in to the music from Chris de Burgh, Lady in Red. So our last dance was an up close and personal, smoochy number. 

 

Again, the whip was out encouraging people to swap partners and phone numbers or whatever.

Unfortunately, at this point, I totally forgot there was one more run! So my plan to send out the shorts, then longs, then walkers went for a burton!

 

I think I thought, “ ok that’s enough drooling, hand wandering, sexy stuff” but instead said, “ ok, you can go now. Get lost!” And so they did, to trail 3. (shorts and longs only).

 

Heart Trail 3

Trail 3 was up past the fire station and into Parke. There the trail went up beside the road and then right to the Dartmoor pony heritage centre. 

 

It then went right down towards the road, crossed and up again.

 

Any shortcuts here would have broken or ruptured a heart, but everyone seemed to have survived! Shortly afterwards, at the cattle grid on the main drive, hashers found our only long/ short split.

 

The shorts returned through the deep mud out to the fire station and on home. The longs went left and then onto a woodland trail, which eventually took them back through muddy fields to the National Trust carpark. They returned to the short trail and on home.

 

At this stage, Shane, who is Checkmate’s mate, took a fall, landing in the mud and giving himself a chocolate coating look. (unlike the strawberries).

 

Heart(y) Down downs

Meanwhile, back at the Dolphin, the hash was awaiting the returnees.

 

The longs had completed another 3.8m, making just over 5m and the shorts did somewhere between.

It was a sheer delight for me to be sat in the pub waiting for others, especially as, on this very rare occasion, Manpig was the last man in!

 

After a quick pint placed in his hand, he was able to perform his RA duties. 

 

The pub was thanked for its beer and the hares for their hash with a difference. 

 

Psycho had the jesters hat. It was awarded to Shane for his spectacular fall. The hashit shirt had boomeranged back to Pisswell last week, and in the absence of Wetfart, (who deserved it back), was given to Manopause for his dirty dancing or was it sweaty dancing in his posh, flowery, non-absorbent shirt!

 

Two remaining pints and no further tales. Slip on me and Able Seaman received a down down for something that had happened with Ernie. He did say his end had dropped off so what had they been doing to him?

 

Beefy accepted a down down on behalf of the hares for his dashing outfit (great tie), or was it his dashes instead of dots? Even then, all was not over!

 

As promised, it was on to the dancing awards. As Melon Picker rushed home to make full use of the slow to work love potion, he was handed a small bottle of Prosecco, winning the title of most sexy dancer.

 

Next was the award for the most romantic couple, a meal out to celebrate their togetherness. Well Hopped and Big End were delighted to receive their lady and the tramp bowlful of spaghetti and sausages. (we were on a tight budget). 

 

Unfortunately, the food was cold, (gas problems again) but they fed each other lovingly with forks, even attempting the romantic spaghetti kiss as per lady and the tramp!

 

It was so tasty, even Pyscho joined in later! The best male outfit was awarded to Shitfaced for his suit and bow tie, winning a bottle of red wine. 

 

Best female outfit was to Slip on Me, with a beautiful dress and makeup, winning a dozen red roses.

The award for best dancer went to Warm Front, particularly for her boisterous swinging. She won a romantic evening kit for two, comprising a candle, body spray, lubricating jelly, condoms and a chocolate heart.

 

The most promising dancer was Checkmate’s Mate (Shane) for being game and having a go. He won a box of chocolates. The best dad dancer award went to Wet Johnny for his unique style. He was awarded a small bottle of Prosecco. 

 

The most impressive dancer was awarded to Pyscho and she therefore had the most impressive prize. She rushed out to try her new Pellet battery toy and had full hopes of the batteries being exhausted by next weeks hash!

 

Realising that the goody bag was now empty, we hurriedly tried to find an award for the best dirty dancer, Manopause. 

 

Unfortunately, he declined the left over two glasses of pure Dolphin water, but I’m sure was very grateful to the many people who took their time to vote for him!

 

So a big thank you and well done to everyone who came, and to all your efforts with outfits & dancing.

Special thanks to Cheerio Beerio & her lovely 2 young girls for helping prepare & de-rig the dance hall, & showing us their own wonderful dance moves.

 

And lastly, as I usually do my words as a song, just a quickie…. To the music of Lady in red, as below:

 

https://youtu.be/Vt2YIpZWBqA?feature=shared

 

I've never seen hashers look so lovely as you did last night

I've never seen such fairy lights, mhm hm

I’ve never seen so many men try avoiding to dance

They're looking for much more than romance

Given half a chance…..

We’ll never forget the way you looked tonight!

 

Next week. Beat that Wet Johnny! In fact, It will be lovely to get back to normal next week! We will be circling up at the Corner Flag bar, Coach road, Newton Abbot.