TVH3 The Words for 25th March 2024

 

The Park Inn, Kingskerswell

 

Run No. 2013 - Awards Night

 

HARES: Beeflicker (official) & Squeaky Bum (actual)

 

Who wuz there: Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Shitfaced, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Archangel, Forrest-Stump, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Shay, Warmfront, Beefy, Pisswell, Well Hopped, Roger the Dodger, Wet-Johnny, Manopause, Strap-On, Ernie, Fukarewe, U-Bend, Piddler, Coldtits, Slip-on-Me, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Tamsin, Wetfart, Threesum, Hotlips, Zoot, Melonpicker & Soapy.

 

Circle

A cold and damp evening welcomed us to the Park Inn for the Teign Valley Hash House Harriers Awards' Evening 2023. 

 

There was a light rain as a very well-dressed Shitfaced commenced the Circle-Up. The GM's dress sense rather implied that he would not be running. The pause in his welcoming address made some Hashers think that they'd lost their sense of hearing. 

 

Regaining his memory, and already with mandatory pint in hand, Shitfaced advised that there was a chilli laid on by the pub as it was The Awards Night. Nevertheless, any donations into the pot would be welcome and any shortfall would be made good by the Hash. It would be a short trail as, tonight, time would be of the essence.

 

Over to the Harerazor - Smellie needs Hares for 15th and 29th April. Additionally, Smellie would be Hare for next week's April Fools' Hash so wear something silly!

 

Some comments were made regarding Teapot and his release from Pyscho's clutches at Newton Abbot hospital. This had been scheduled for last Friday. 

 

After the Awards, Wetfart imparted the following news to be included in the Words. 

 

Last Friday, Teapot was assessed so as to ascertain if he was well enough to be allowed to return home. Hoorah! He passed and made his way home on Friday - complete with bell so that he can call on Mrs Teapot to wait on him hand and foot. I don't Mrs Teapot is too impressed with the bell. Nevertheless, Teapot is delighted to be home. 

 

He has also asked Wet Fart to convey his heartfelt thanks for everyone's support from the Hash. Whether that be those that sent cards, chocolates, phoned or visited, or simply welcomed him back to the Hash for Burns' Night. Teapot has been in hospital quite a long time time and that can, eventually, become depressing. Your calls, cards and visits have really cheered him up and for that he is sincerely grateful. 

 

Hopefully, the next time we see him he will be back in the Circle.....and soon, although his mobility issues will take some time to improve.

 

So, over to the Hare and tonight's trail. Beeflicker advised that it was going to be a 3-2-1 trail. Three miles for the Longs, and it would be muddy out there; 2 miles for the Shorts and a single mile for the Walkers. The trail was laid with a lot of arrows, in chalk, and some blobs of flour.

 

"Be back quick for the Awards".

 

Trail

Well, it's a little difficult to describe the trail as I don't think that any more than two Hashers followed the same trail and there is some doubt as to whether anyone actually completed any of the intended trails....marks or no marks.

 

Now, in fairness, none of us knew that Beeflicker was so incapacitated by his weekend escapades that he had to delegate Monday's trail laying to Squeaky Bum. 

 

Beeflicker had every intention of laying Monday's trail, especially as they would all have to be short so as to make time for The Awards. However, over the weekend, Beeflicker had been engaged in something called "Last Man Standing". This is a type of escape and evasion exercise. The last one to get caught or travel furthest from the starting point wins. Judging by his hobbling, I suspect that Beeflicker travelled some considerable distance. (Fifty two miles in fact!)

 

The Hare sent the Walkers out to the left for a walk around the village. Meanwhile, the Longs and the Shorts were directed up the alleyway almost opposite the pub. 

 

We followed green chalk arrows down to just near the Sloop and then blobs of flour taking us back to the pub in under 15 minutes and about a third of a mile. So round we went again. 

 

We had missed an arrow that would have taken us over to the Sloop side of the Newton Road. Another arrow had us heading for Newton Abbot before turning right and into a housing estate where we lost the marks. Eventually, we went back down to the Newton Road.

 

Some carried on towards Romany Jones looking for marks i.e. Wet-Johnny and Man-Pig. Others headed back towards the Sloop. Some then decided to take a right by the camper van garage and check out if there were any marks in Coffinswell. Yet another breakaway group opted to run up past Kingkerswell Primary School and check out Kingskerswell via the Coffinswell Lane track.

 

Sure enough, at its brow was a Long/Short split, but no other marks could bee seen. Beefy dropped down the other side of Coffinswell Lane and took a right at its end and did his own thing for the next 4 miles. Well Hopped came across what she thought was a fishhook and did a U'ey and backtracked to the pub.

 

Meanwhile, Man-Pig, Ernie and Strap-On were on a fruitless search for non-existent marks near the Barn Owl. Still no marks so Ernie and Strap-On made a Beeline for the On-Down. Man-Pig went back to the site of the last mark. But not before the number 12 bus stopped to ask if I was waiting for the bus? Well, I was near the bus stop but I wasn't aware that I was running so slowly that the bus driver thought that I was actually waiting at the bus stop. 

 

The Pig speculated that the trail might have gone straight up Priory Avenue and thence the short length of footpath to Bushmead Avenue. 

 

Bingo! A mark on the first footstep of the footpath and I was back on trail. Outside the Primary School I was surprised to find a blue arrow pointing down Coffinswell Lane towards the Sloop. I would have put money on a traipse over to Coffinswell but this was the only mark I found. So it was back to the pub I went.

 

Once again, the best laid plans of mice and men had been outwitted by the weather. The moral of this story must be "Do not use chalk in the wet". 

 

On the upside, our de facto Virgin Hare, Squeaky Bum, did have us running around in circles and down a few tiny footpaths in the village that we haven't done for several years. 

 

We got out on an "interesting" run. No one got lost (until it was time to get changed), no-one was late back for the Down-Downs and The Awards, and no one got injured. I'd say that's a success.

 

Down-Downs

Forrest-Stump and Perry assumed the role of RA and commenced by thanking the pub for putting on the scoff and providing the Down-Downs.

 

"What did we think of the trail?" An interesting question which would normally have illicited a few comments. Tonight there was the potential for 33 hashers to describe 15 plus different trails. But time was against us as we needed to push on for The Awards ceremony.

 

First up to give an award was Horny. She has the Turd Hat. This she gives to someone for not paying attention at a road junction and jaywalking. 

 

I think the guilty party was U-Bend but I'm not entirely sure as the Bird was squawking in my ear at the time. As we had the Songmeister present, he took control of the choir. "He doesn't kiss the girls any more....."

 

Next up was Man-Pig whose award was in the car but a substitute Jester's hat appeared courtesy of U-Bend. The obvious candidate was the Hare. Beeflicker was called up but only to confess that he was too injured to lay it. The Award should go to Squeaky Bum...and so it did. The Songmeister was called upon again.

 

Next was Squeaky Bum herself. She had the Hashshit shirt from last week. She tells the tale of a very rude Hasher who enjoys afternoon telly, particularly quiz shows.....just like the 3-2-1 description of the trail but featuring Dusty Bin. The programme is introduced with a 3-2-1 flick fingers. There follows some lewd conversation that ended up with Hotlips stating that "You only get four fingers in a Kit-Kat". (NB there was no mention of the Duchess of York during this narrative). Over to the Songmeister once again.

 

Forrest asks if there are any more Awards present. Fukarewe steps forward with the Tittie apron. Fukarewe tells us that he is parked right outside the pub. He had finished his run and was getting changed at the back of his car with the tailgate up. the next thing that happens is that a short-sighted Harriet opens the rear door to his car, sits down inside and starts to undress. 

 

What spectacular luck! thinks Fukarewe. What have I done to deserve this? So, who was not paying attention to the car in which she arrived? Smellie. It's Specsaver time for you my girl. The Songmeister pipes up with, "The one skin hangs over my two skin......."

 

Finally, there is an item of lost property that needs to be returned, not to a hasher but to a Hash Hound. Well Hopped has recovered a dog lead from the Old Commercial, Bishopsteignton. There ensues a Cinderella moment whilst the lead is matched to different Hounds' collar sizes. A match! It fits Slip-on-Me's Hound perfectly. You are going to the ball after all doggie...."woof!" "She's a little flat chested but she's all right" is the final ditty selected by our Songmeister.

 

AWARDS 2023

This year The Awards comprised the usual T-shirt and, for the fist time, matching Beanie hats for each category. Additionally, there were scrolls to be framed and hung at home. Shitfaced was suitably attired as the master of ceremonies. He also had his phone set up for a live link to Mavis in New Zealand - assuming that he was out of bed. In Oscar nominee fashion, three candidates were read out before the GM opened the envelope to reveal the winners:

 

And the winners are:

Best trail - Pisswell

Hare of the year - Pisswell: these two awards were combined into a single shirt and beanie and both were thoroughly deserved. The Cheesy Nipples and Cheesy Helmet trail was marvellous in all respects; virgin territory, private function, grape pressing, free cheese and wine. Splendid!

 

Newcomer of the year - Beeflicker: again, thoroughly deserving and in recognition of his contribution in having laid some excellent trails over the past 12 months including some virgin territory.

 

Scribe of the Year - Soapy for her Day of the Dead Hash and accompanying Words- an old school Hash with lots of short loops to keep the pack together. A huge turnout and enjoyed by all.

 

Club Hasher of the Year (formerly Crusher Award) - Zoot for all her work in the background.

 

Hasher of the Year - Man-Pig; nobody knows why.

BB: For me, the best moment of the evening - for his dedication and so much time and effort expended, no one in our hash has worked harder. And, bless him, he really was surprised at getting the award. Well done, hashers, you really got this one right.

 

Harriet of the Year - Warmfront; nobody will catch her, that's for sure.

 

On-Down of the Year: Tucker's Maltings. Other hostelries under this heading were The Park Inn and The Lord Nelson, coincidentally both pub landlords were present at The Awards. However, there were no representatives from Tucker's Maltings so regular Malting's frequenter, Archangel, accepted the Award on their behalf and for onward delivery.

 

P.O.T.Y. - Forrest-Stump, predominantly for forgetfulness during his RA'ing. Staggeringly, Smellie wasn't even shortlisted. I think that she must have been one of the main recipients of Down-Downs throughout 2023.

BB: I'll go along with that, MP. Hashers seem to have the strange idea that this particular award is unsuitable for harriets and might be seen as a stigma rather than the honour it truly is. Think on, as they say up in Yorkshire.

 

A final group photo of the winners and our thanks to the committee for organising it and, with that, it was all over for another year.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the King William IV, Totnes. Our Hare is Smellie and, as it is April Fools' day, you are encouraged to wear something silly.

 

On-On to next week, MP