A FESTERING POND AMIDST A SEA OF MUD

(AKA PIDDLER RIDES AGAIN)

TVH3 The Words for 8th April 2024

 

Two Mile Oak, Ipplepen

 

Run No. 2015 - AGPU

 

HARE: Piddler with kind assistance from Going Down

 

Who wuz there: Piddler, Going Down, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Hotlips, Zoot, Cheerio Beerio, Darcy, Eve, Threesum, Base Camp, U-Bend, Forrest-Stump, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beefy, Pisswell, Warmfront, Psycho, Beeflicker, Well Hopped, Roger the Dodger, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Fukarewe, Melonpicker, Slip-on-Me, Wetfart, Ablesemen, Miss Piggy, Only Here for the Beer & Two Little Shits.

 

Circle

Well, what a difference a week makes! Numbers had swelled to 33, up from last week's 10. Regrettably, the weather had not changed much - damp and windy. Why had so many people turned up? I think we all believed, mistakenly as it turns out, that this was Piddler's swansong trail. Hence we all turned up to make sure that he would be departing for Spain imminently. No such luck. His departure date is months away.

 

There were vey few announcements. Shitfaced needed a show of hands for food - sausage chips and beans. This would only cost you a mere £2 as the balance was to be subsidised by the Hash. 

 

Suddenly, the (cheapskate, BB) pack became very hungry. Forrest Stump also needed a show of hands for food at next week's Hash. We will be returning to the Nobody Inn at Doddiscombeleigh for the first time in about 20 years. I think the last time that we were there our Hares were Mr Softy and Two Scoops....remember them? A fine pair [Shirley sic].

 

Smellie needs Hares from about mid May onwards.

 

Wetfart was running late and didn't make the Circle. Hence there were no updates on Teapot. Additionally, Broken Man wasn't present. I understand that Kim and Sarah have been staying with him over Easter and Broken Man is scheduled to be doing South Hams Hash on Wednesday. So Broken Man is getting out and about which is good.

 

Over to the Hare avec son velo. The first piece of information to be imparted was that Haldon Hash was in the area. They have set their trail around Kingskerswell. So, if you end up in the Lord Nelson you've been following their marks. The TVH3 trail is laid in four and mouse droppings as the mice had got into Piddler's bags of flour.

 

There were the usual three trails. The Walkers would be about 1.6 miles (Shirley some mistake). The Longs about 5.5 miles and, unsurprisingly, the Shorts would be somewhere in between.

 

Trail

Left out of the car park and immediately we found ourselves at the Longs' and Shorts'/Walkers' split. The Walkers headed up past Toby's Sheds towards Fermoys. The Longs and the Shorts headed towards Abbotskerswell.

 

As per usual, the FRB's consisted of the Topiary Twins, Beeflicker and Beefy. Also attempting to keep up were Man-Pig, Fukarewe, Well Hopped and Smellie. In the early stages of the trail, we were being shepherded by the Hare on his bicycle. There were plenty of checks. Almost all of which Warmfront got wrong. This was good as it allowed the mid-pack Long's to keep in contact all the way round.

 

The first check had us turn left and down the public footpath that always turns into a stream after the first 50 yards. Just as the stream diverted off the public footpath, so did the trail. The trail now took us on a different public footpath that led us across two waterlogged fields. 

 

The first was full of sheep and lambs (this always reminds me of Easter) so we walked this bit so as not to disturb them too much. The marks were good as we entered the top of Abbotskerswell near Court Grange. 

 

The trail now took us down a footpath that exited almost opposite the entrance to the Court Farm pub. A right and another right had us at a check outside the regrettably closed, Butcher's Arms.

 

Yet again Warmfront and Psycho mischecked and allowed Fukarewe and Man-Pig to catch up.

The trail now took us right and up a bridle track. Somehow, the FRB's had missed a check half way along the path. 

 

The trail continued over a stile and along Devon's worse ankle breaker footpath. This is a lovely trail bordered on both sides by small trees. And therein lies the root of the problem; small, slippery roots crisscrossing the path. 

 

Through another stile, uphill and across two fields to meet the Hare at a three-way junction. No help was imparted. Beeflicker checked downhill and back towards Abbotskerswell. Pysycho went right and, for the only time in the evening, Warmfront headed towards Whiddon Cross and found that she was on trail.

 

At Whiddon Cross there was another check....or was there? In fact there was no check. It was simply the (only) Long/Short split. 

 

Beefy checked towards Dainton Golf course and this was the last that we saw of him on trail. I rather suspect that he did a couple of miles before bumping into Going Down who would have advised him that he'd just done the Short. 

 

The trail now took us downhill and towards Maddacombe Cross and another check. Once again, Beeflicker, Psycho and Warmfront were well ahead as Man-Pig and Fukarewe saw them disappear into the distance. 

 

And disappear they did. Heaven knows where they all went but, turning right towards Stoneycombe Quarry, Man-Pig and Fukarewe temporarily found themselves FRB'ing. Inevitably, Warmfront sailed past and kept on sailing past the Bickleigh Mill Inn where she ran into the Hare who advised that she was off trail.

 

The trail actually took us right and up along the footpath that runs along the top edge of Stoneycombe Quarry. Our second period as FRB's was cut short again as this time Pyscho and Beeflicker slid past....but only to find a back check.

 

On this occasion, a little insider knowledge proved useful. Ignoring the back check, the Pig carried on knowing full well that both trails would converge. 

 

The Pig was first onto the Downs....but not for long. There was some confusion as Piddler had laid dots on every track across the down. Again, insider knowledge had the Pig on the case and on trail. Again not for long. Somehow, all the FRB's arrived at the water obstacle. A broad length of track, in a shallow depression, was under 10 inches of water (MP always carries a tape measure for such eventualities, BB). There was no getting around it. It was also a bit whiffy....manure or stagnant water? We didn't know and, by now, we didn't care.

 

On the far side of the "lake" there were three dots in a row. The Hare had told us that such marks meant, "keep going". We were now all wet through and filthy. For some reason I don't recall Piddler, or his bike, looking particularly dirty at the Circle. The Hare obviously hadn't been through the "festering pond". He'd just left marks at either end....the fiend.

 

In Dainton, we came across a check at the bottom of some steps. This is where a footpath leads along the edge of someone's beautiful garden. For 28 years, (MP also carries a pocket-sized gazetteer) there has been nothing to separate the garden from the public footpath. Now, a newly constructed timber fence affords the owners a little privacy...at least from dirty, night-time, howling and demented Hashers.

We traipsed across two fields, another check and then straight onto Causeway Cross where Going Down was waiting to give instructions, "Straight across". 

 

The Topiary Twins and Beeflicker were, once again, FRB'ing but a couple more checks had them slowing down. 

 

The second check had Beeflicker on trail being pursued by the Pig. 

 

Meanwhile, Warmfront was on her way to Dornafield Cross and Pyscho was on her way to Ipplepen (the checks were working very well).

 

By the time that we arrived into Fermoy's car park and the "OH" sign, the normal running order had been resumed: Beeflicker, Psycho (who would have been third if she hadn't SCB'd), Warmfront, Man-Pig and Fukarewe. 

 

Unfortunately, Fermoy's garden centre was closed. I'm sure that, had it been open, the lure of topiary lessons would have distracted Warmfront and Pyscho long enough to steal a lead.

 

The final canter back to the On-Down and the AGPU.

 

Well done Piddler. An excellent trail. Plenty of checks to keep us together. 5.24 miles on my elderly Garmin so more like 5.7

 

Down-Downs

The original plan had been for the Hash to have the restaurant area for the AGPU. However, I don't think that anyone had taken account of the fact that it was the Easter holidays. Despite the washout weather, the pub was pretty much full. There were both locals and visitors eating in both the restaurant and the bar. 

 

The Hash crammed into the bar area and did their best to devour their subsidised Hash scran from any level surface they could find.

 

Smellie, Beefy, Pisswell and Forrest Stump were all a little late in getting back off the trail but they arrived about the same time as the non-Hash diners had just finished their meals and vacated the bar. Ideal timing to dive into the Down-Downs.

 

Hotlips has the Hashshit shirt. It appears that the Shorts was not as well marked as the Longs. For judicious use of flour, Hotlips awards the Hashshit shirt to Piddler. Piddler takes his time downing his half accompanied by, "Hold it your hand Mrs Murphy".

 

Next up is Forrest who has the Turd Hat. He tells the story of a well known Harriet who was a tad cold in the Circle. So cold, in fact, that she was overheard to say, "Blimey! It's cold. I wish I'd worn some knickers!". The culpable party - Ablesemen; "Here's to going commando".

 

There are no more Awards present. This is not strictly true as Man-Pig has left an Award in his car. This could, in its own right, have illicited a Down-Down but Forrest has a story. 

 

As is the wont of the Hash, the story is not necessarily true, it is certainly inaccurate and it has been taken out of context but never mind. Forrest engages the Hash with an improbable and inaccurate story about a Hasher's alleged chat up line in the Circle. 

 

"Hello. Are you wearing any knickers and what time do you finish work?" So who was our silver tongued lethario? Man-Pig - who else?

 

There is one half pint remaining. Are there any other stories? Beeflicker has one. This is the story of a Hasher and another chat up line. "I have an extra two inches in the car. It will help you to get it up properly next time". 

 

Now, to put it into context, this referred to the previous week. You may recall that Slip-on-Me had a puncture but her car jack was just a fraction too short to clear the rear wheel from the ground. The extra two inches actually referred to two 1" thick squares of wood that a fellow Hasher had thoughtfully brought to the Hash to give to Slip-on-Me. So who was our good samaritan? Man-Pig....again.

 

Finally, there is the solitary glass of water to give away. In recognition of Smellie's marvellous solo lay from the previous week, and in the absence of Down-Downs, Smellie gets the last drink....sorry, it's only water.

 

We concluded by thanking the pub for the beer and thanking the Hash for subbing the scoff.

Over to the AGPU.

 

AGPU 2024

Time was pushing on so this was going to be quick.

 

Shitfaced banged his staff on the floor and ran though the various Hash positions. Basically, all as per last year and the Hash seemed happy enough with that i.e. no votes needed to be taken and no-one was standing down (not strictly true), at least in total.

 

Pisswell is coming up to retirement, and she is going to treat herself to a lengthy bit of travelling over the next 12 months. Accordingly, a stand-in volunteer is needed to collect subs from those who pay weekly. Beeflicker has volunteered to fill in for the times when Pisswell is away.

 

Unfortunately, we also have a vacant position as an assistant RA. This is as a result of the tragic loss of Fallen Woman. Strap-On has kindly "volunteered" to fill the role.

 

Threesum ran though the accounts. I think we are £400 up from where were were last year i.e. with more that £2k in the bank. The Committee is planning to arrange something for the end of August. This is to mark TVH3's 40th birthday!

 

And that concluded the briefest of AGPU's. Thankyou for coming.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Nobody Inn, Doddiscombeleigh with Forrest-Stump Haring.

 

On-On to next week. MP