THE SECRET OF SMELLIE'S SUCCESS

TVH3 The Words for 17th June 2024

The Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell

 

Run No. 2025: Shitfaced & 'friend?'

 

HARE: a 'Friend'

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Archangel, Cheerio Beerio, Beefy, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Shay, Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Strap-On, Strap-Dancer, Wetfart, Ernie, Piddler, Coldtits, Slip-on-Me, Big End, Ned, Well Hopped, Roger the Dodger, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Warmfront, Miss'Ing, Swinger, Smash and 5 virgins: Christopher (Slip-on-Me's cousin), Justin (knows a couple of SH4 hashers) and 3 young ladies who's names I didn't catch (mea culpa). I think one of our virgins is Smash's niece.

 

Circle

The strong winds over the past week had subsided and given way to a beautiful evening. Shitfaced welcomed all back to the Lord Nelson. 

 

The first order of service was for the virgins to come forward to introduce themselves whilst the Hare ordained their trainers with flour. Our virgins comprised Christopher from South Africa who is Slip-on-Me's cousin and plays cricket. Next we have Justin.

 

"Who made you come Justin?"

"Oh. Just myself". Perhaps a pointer to a future naming?

 

We also have three young virgin Harriets . I recall that one is related to Smash....niece I think.

 

All flowered up [sic], it is over to the Hare Razor. Smellie has one spot left in October. Otherwise we're OK up until November. Sterling work Smellie. How do you do it? Little did we know that we would find out the secret of Smellie's success during the Down-Downs.

 

Back to Shitfaced for details of the scoff. It is cheese and biscuits and crusty bread with pickles at £5.50. I think we have 6 or 7 takers.

 

So, over to the "Hare". Shitfaced repeated some misinformation given to him the previous week by a "friend". Walkers' trail about 3.2 miles; Longs' trail about 5.2 miles. Shorts' somewhere in between.

It eventually transpired that these distances were wholly inaccurate; restating them in kilometres would have been far more accurate and would account for why we were all back in the pub by 8.30.

 

Over to the "friend" for more misinformation. What would today's run from Kingskerswell entail? 

 

Same old? Same old? Allegedly not. The "friend" advised that there was quite a bit of road but, when not on road, there would be a reasonable amount of virgin territory for both the Longs and the Walkers; not quite so much for the Shorts.

 

"Piffle", I'm sure was what most Hashers were thinking to themselves regarding the implausibility of virgin territory in Kingskerswell (but it has been done before on a Smash & Grab trail!).

 

Trail

The first section of the trail was the long slog up to the top of Fluder Hill. The Hare had marked two View Points which helped make the uphill slog worthwhile. The first was looking back down Fluder Hill towards Denbury Hill Fort and the silhouette of Dartmoor in the background. Further along, the second viewpoint looked across the valley and towards Edginswell and Hamelin Way.

 

At the crest of Fluder Hill, the trail took us past Kingskerswell Road and then right and into the woods and the Walkers/Long & Short split.

 

The Walkers' trail now took a footpath to the right. This drops, rises and then drops again before coming to an abrupt, and overgrown, stop. A short back check and down a flight of timber steps into Swallowfield Rise. This is part of a new housing estate at the Willows. 

 

At the end of Swallowfield Rise, the marks took us right and along Plantation Way for a short way before turning right again and up Wellsbury Close. It was then left and down a recently mowed path cut though an undeveloped area. Leaving the grass behind, the trail rejoined the Longs and Shorts' return trail back to Kingskerswell along the Torquay Road and Southey Lane.

 

The Longs and the Shorts shared the same trail heading east through woods before a backcheck had them grinding to a halt. Back they went until finding a dot. Over a well trampled hedge and then right and onto the public footpath that runs behind Barton Hall and down to Brown's Bridge Road. 

 

The mid-pack Longs and Shorts comprised Miss'ing, Manopause, Strap-On, Ernie, Smellie and Man-Pig. The FRB's would be Warmfront (getting lost and leading Beefy astray), Beeflicker and Wet-Johnny. All of whom I never actually saw on trail!

 

At Brown's Bridge Road, we came to the first of two Long/Short splits. I think Manopause took the Short. This is a tarmac footpath that drifts down to Broomhill Way. The rest went left along Browns Bridge Road towards Barton before an arrow had them turning into James Park (I think it is called James park but is marked as Broomhill Plantation on the OS map). This used to be the old tip. 

 

Many years ago, it was levelled off and earmarked for developement. I don't know it contamination or unsuitable ground conditions put paid to the development but it is now a public park. 

 

Beefy also tells me that, going back over 30 years ago it used to be playing fields. However, broken glass rising to the surface (more likely soil erosion around the broken glass) put a stop to the football too.

 

Once inside the park, we arrive at another L/S split. The Shorts have a boring canter along the path at the southern edge of the park. I think that Shay is the only Hasher I saw doing this leg. Everyone else went Long. Initially, this was along the path skirtng the northern periphery. This was until we came to a cross.

 

A short back check had us embarking upon a downhill narrow track. this zigged and zagged its way through nettles, under fallen trees and alongside deep holes. 

 

Eventually, we headed up back on James park near its southeast corner. The trail then took us back onto the tarmac footpath that Manopause had been on near Broomhill Way. An arrow had us pass through a gap in a fence and into the car park for Torquay Courts...oops! We then descended down Nicholson Road towards Sainsbury's.

 

Just before Sainsbury's petrol station, an arrow had us pass under a broken piece of fencing and along a very narrow track, over a stream (all of an inch deep) past a collapsed timber den, past an abandoned blue tent and then rampaging through very long grass only to appear at the edge of the A3022 below Sainsburys (my thanks to Gromit who took us through here on an AshHash in the middle of winter. How on earth did he find it?).

 

The return leg was a run along the footpath that runs parallel with the A3022 at the lower edge of the Plantation way and the new housing estate at The Willows.

 

Almost all were back in the pub by 8.30 apart from Roger the Dodger, Cheerio Beerio and Archangel. I never did find out where they had been.

 

Down-Downs

In the absence of Forrest-Stump, it was Man-Pig's turn to be RA again.

 

Firstly, a big "Thankyou" to the pub for opening....it is usually shut on a Monday. "Thankyou" for providing the Down-Downs and "Thankyou" for doing the scoff".

 

Next, it was a welcome to Justin, our only remaining virgin.

 

"So, who has a story or an award?"

 

The only award present is the Hashshit shirt that is residing with Shitfaced. At the Circle, a schoolboy of about 13 flies by on his electric bicycle. Cheerio Beerio is heard to say:

 

"I'd love to have a ride on that".

 

The schoolboy is not wearing a helmet and has very good hearing. He turns around and comes back for a second pass. Smelling salts are called for as a swooning Cheerio Beerio passes out. Now that she has recovered, there is a glass of water (Cheerio cannot drink beer) accompanied by, "Here's to the kiddie-fiddler...."

 

No other awards are present so it is Jackanory time.

 

"Are there any stories?".

 

Beefy alleges that he was led astray.....again. Last time it was Psycho this time it is the other half of the Topiary Twins. Warmfront picks a beer and we have a note for the "Misleader".

 

Next story. Strap-On reveals the secret of Smellie's success in recruiting Hares. Part way around the trail she is chatting away to Strap-On and says, "Poacher's volunteered for three trails but hasn't confirmed any venues. I really must get on top of him!" A note for the "Promiscuous one".

 

Our sole remaining virgin, Justin, gets a welcome half pint of ale accompanied by a very short song. It goes like this:

 

"You're stupid. You're stupid.

You're so damn dumb.

If your Mother hadn't been there,

you'd be a lump of cum!"

 

Hopefully, we'll see Justin again!

 

The final half goes to the 'friend' for Haring.

 

Next week

Now listen carefully, I will only say this once:

Next week's Hash is from The Bell, Brixham. Our Hare is Beeflicker. The pub is offering chilli con carne and a vegetarian option at £9/head but Beeflicker needs food orders by Thursday night please. Also, be aware that there is no parking at the pub but there is a park behind the pub and parking should be available on roads around there.

 

Postscript: by the end of the evening, Smellie has filled the Hash Diary up to the end of 2052......amazing!

 

On-On to next week. MP