TVH3 The Words for 10th June 2024

Ipplepen Cricket & Football Club

 

Run No. 2024: Wet-Johnny does it all!

 

HARE: Wet-Johnny

 

Who wuz there: Wet Johnny, Penner sons Gianluca & Harry, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Forrest-Stump, Cheerio Beerio, Beefy, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Wetfart, Satnav, Fukarewe, Ernie, Coldtits, Slip-on-Me, Ablesemen, Miss Piggy, Big End, Ned, Well Hopped, Roger the Dodger, Erection, Manopause,, Squashed Balls, Twin Buffers, Miss'Ing, Rise'n'Shine, Twinkletoes, Piddler and returnees Swinger and Smash.

 

Circle

It is a lovely early summer evening.

Both motorcycles and returnees have come out of the woodwork to enjoy another Wet-Johnny trail. But, where will he take us?

 

Shitfaced, sans staff, welcomed a goodly number (38) into the Circle. The were no announcements so over to Smellie on Hare raising duty.

 

Smellie still requires Hares from July onwards and followed this up with some serious buttonholing in the On-Down after the run - well done. I hope you got some Hares. Smellie, with a little assistance, also advised that next week's Hash is from the Lord Nelson Kingskerswell. Shitfaced then pitches in to advise that scoff will be cheese and biscuits/crusty bread at circa £6/each.

 

So, over to our sole Hare for the evening, Wet-Johnny. He then imparts a little information about the trail. I recall that it was a Walkers' trail of around 3 miles; Shorts' about 4 and Longs' six-ish.

"Turn left out of the gate."

 

Trail

"Turn left out of the gate". It sounded fairly straightforward but this still failed to register with Smellie who ran past the exit gate and towards the cricket club changing rooms.

 

All back on trail, Beeflicker led us right at the first crossroads and into Ipplepen. The marks were so close together we were all stunned that we were "On" within 40 yards of the road junction. 

 

In Ipplepen, the trail took us right and along Bridge Street before another right along North Street for a short while. 

 

Next an arrow had us running up the incredibly narrow, but beautiful, Pater Noster Lane. As the name suggests, at the top of the lane is Ipplepen Church. 

 

The trail now takes us through the churchyard and, before we know it, we are running along Orley Road and heading for Orley Common. It is at this point, that our two young FRB's fly past me. Just behind them is Beefy on photographic duty.

 

Shortly after entering the common, we come to the first of the Long/Short splits. Beeflicker has already gone Long with the Pig and Beefy in hot pursuit. Surprisingly, our young FRB's elect to go Short. Do they know something that we don't? 

 

The Longs' trail follows the edge of the common covering the piece of ground whence Well Hopped got her name. Just as we are about to exit the woods I can hear voices to my right but I can't see anyone. I recognise the voices as Fukarewe and Ernie ........and they're on the Shorts!

 

We are back on Orley Road before a kicked-out check takes us up Torbryan Hill. Opposite the Church there is a Walkers/ Long and Short split. 

 

The Longs and the Shorts turn left past the church and up the beautiful public footpath that runs through the Old Rectory's gardens, complete with duckpond and ducks. The footpath has been recently mowed. It is all very tranquil. 

 

In the far distance, I get my last sighting of the FRB'ing Beeflicker and Beefy....the Beef Brothers? The trail now bears right and through a short piece of woodland. Here the Hare must have run out of flour as he has resorted to laying the trail in dead rabbits. Back on flour, the trail cuts a diagonal swathe northwest across a field and over a slate stile.

 

A cross to the left, dot to the right. The marks are close together again and we are not heading towards Broadhempston. At Wrenwell Cross, we arrive at the second L/S split. Right for the Shorts and straight ahead for the Longs.

 

"We will be turning right at the next public footpath" methinks.

 

Methinks incorrectly. We sail past the public footpath and up to Hallwell Cross where we turn right to rejoin the Shorts......or not as it turns out.

 

"Bugger! Where is he taking us?" To Denbury!

 

At the Union Inn, we bear right and follow part of Only Here for the Beer's trail from about 8 weeks ago. Sure enough, at Newton Cross an arrow takes us right. There is no sign of the Beef Brothers ahead and no sign of anyone else following. Shirley there are more than three on the Longs? Yes. Back at the On-Down, Miss'Ing confirms that she, too, has done all the Longs....excellent. Were there any more?

We would now be taking a right at the next junction - Ipplepen Cross. I arrive at Ipplepen Cross and stare at the kicked out check. Surely (there is an incredible urge to change to Shirley which must be resisted) some mistaka? We are carrying straight on. We must be turning right at Dornafield Cross (confusingly there are two Dornafield Crosses marked at either end of Dornafield Road on the OS map).

 

I arrive at Dornafield Cross (north). I grind to a halt. Another check and it is not kicked out to the right and past the campsite. It is kicked out straight ahead and towards Two Mile Oak. 

 

Disbelief turns to stupefied incredulity.

 

The marks do not lie. Another dead rabbit later and the trail takes us up to Two Mile Oak. It is then right, along the main road, before crossing to the other side of the road and onto the footpath behind Fermoys Garden Centre. I think this is a part of Piddler's last trail - but in reverse. 

 

At the end of the footpath, the OH. Thank goodness. My feet are hurting; 6.4 miles and we are back before the Walkers who, for some reason, have walked the Shorts.

 

Down-Downs

It was Man-Pig's turn to be RA. We started by thanking the cricket club for having us and for Dave and Clyde for volunteering to stay on to undertake bar duty for us after the cricket match had finished.

So are there any awards present from previous weeks?

 

Erection has the Hashshit shirt and the most obvious of reasons for awarding it to Shitfaced. Shitfaced is drinking water. A number of Hashers get their cameras out to secure photographic evidence of this nigh on impossible eventuality. Our Songmeister is with us and he comes up with "Twenty Toes".

Shitfaced almost got to leave the Down-Down table before being collared by Forrest-Stump. Lost property!

 

"Who has lost their staff, nay, their badge of honour?"

 

Of course, it is Shitfaced. His sobriety is somewhat short-lived as he has to down a second half pint of ale. Pork Torpedo comes up with a song that I don't recall hearing before - well done. Everyone laughs as the second half pint is despatched just as quickly as the first.

 

Returnee Swinger gets a downdown for something or another but takes a Twin Buffer style length of time in completing. Suffice it to say that Beefy managed to take seventeen photos during the exercise!

No more awards, or lost property, so it is story time.

 

Beeflicker has a story about a young Harriet who was ever so impressed with Piltdown Man's chopper. It gets worse. She was even more impressed by his shiny helmet. 

 

Georgy, is there something that you haven't been telling us for the past 15 years? The identity of our easily impressed Harriet? Squeaky Bum. The Songmeister comes up with a Hash version of "I don't want to join the army...." and some Hashers use the original words and have to be corrected by the Songmeister.

 

Finally, a half for our jack of all trades. He set the trail; he bought the Down-Downs; he cooked the chips and he cleaned the plates. A well deserved beer for our hard working, multi-tasking Wet-Johnny. The Songmeister comes up with a second song that I don't recall having ever heard before. It makes everyone laugh and that concludes the Down-Downs.

 

Now, it must be said that Piltdown-Man's Harley Davidson Deuce 1550cc twin-cam (blockhead) did catch many a Hashers' eye. Unfortunately, so did it's owner's builder's bum. This was when he was leaning over it explaining what was stock and what was aftermarket customising. You were jolly lucky that you didn't get a Down-Down. All you need to go with the bike now is a strategically placed tattoo, "Harley Parking Only".

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell and our Hares are Shitfaced and 'friends'. The pub will be doing cheese and biscuits/crusty bread at circa £6 a head.

 

On-On to next week. MP