TVH3 The Words for 3rd June 2024

Maddacombe Farm Estate

 

Run No. 2023 "Cheapest beer in town!"

 

HARES: Only Here for the Beer & Shitfaced

 

Who wuz there: Only Here for the Beer, Shitfaced, Forrest Stump, Woodcock, Man-Pig, Beefy, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Arkangel, Wetfart, Satnav, Fukarewe, Ernie, Poacher, Coldtits, Slip-on-Me, Ablesemen, Miss Piggy, Big end, Ned, Well Hopped, Roger the Dodger, Psycho, Erection, Wet-Johnny and Dog End (or is it Two Little Shits?)

 

Circle

A new venue for us as we pitched up at Only Here for the Beer's abode at Maddacombe Farm estate.

Shitfaced was already into the swing of things with a glass of white wine but had no announcements.

Smellie still requires Hares from July onwards.

 

Wetfart gave us a brief update on Teapot. Essentially, there is no change other than the fact that he can now make it upstairs unaided......his wife has now moved in with her sister!

 

Man-Pig updated the Hash regarding Saturday's Devon A2B/SH4 Fallen Woman Memorial Hash. There was, as expected, a good turnout including a few A2B virgins from TVH3. It was good to see Broken Man again and £350 was raised for Broken Man's chosen charity, Pete's Dragon Suicide Support. We even had an airshow thrown in for good measure.

 

Over to our Hare, OHFB. He explained that there were Walkers', Shorts' and Longs' trails. The Shorts' trail would be about three/three-and-a-half miles and the Longs' a highly implausible six to six-and-a-half. It was two dots and on.

 

"Don't worry if you don't see any marks. Just carry straight on. You will know where you are. Walkers turn right out of the gate. Longs and Shorts turn left".

 

Trail

The Walkers turned right and went up past Foredown Kennels for a loop around Kerswell Downs.

The Longs and the Shorts trotted down Maddacombe Road, under the railway bridge, and to what we assumed was the Long/Short split at Maddacombe Cross. The marks looked like two whole bags of flour had been dropped. This would explain why the rest of the trail comprised of two dots and on and then no more marks for the next mile!

 

The Shorts went left along Bickley Road and towards Bickley Mill. I don't know if they then went up the footpath and onto Kerswell Downs or if they carried on up to Mill Lane and ran back via North Whilborough.

 

For the Longs, it was was a right turn and up the steep hill towards Abbotskerswell. The FRB's comprised the usual suspects; Beeflicker leading pursued by Beefy and Psycho, with Beefy frequently stopping to take photos. Then it was Man-Pig and Poacher with Wet-Johnny a little way behind. 

 

Regrettably, Poacher had taken a good old bang on the leg at work earlier in the day. Despite an initial turn of speed the bruising was too painful and the last I saw of poor old Poacher was at Whiddon Cross. But at least he had done the steep bit by this stage.

 

At Greatoak Cross, an arrow had us go left as we looped around to Whiddon Cross and a check. Psycho had jumped into a field and Beeflicker was checking out the lane that runs along the southern edge of Dainton Golf Course.

 

The trail took us straight across Whiddon Cross and towards the intriguingly named Gropers Lane (I really would love to know the history behind this name). 

 

The trail then took us left along Gropers Lane and a check at Dainton Cross. Beeflicker checked out right towards the former Hunters Brewery and was never seen again. Beefy carried on along Gropers Lane with Psycho in pursuit. We were on. But where was Beeflicker?

 

At Bulleigh Farm, an arrow had us descend down the western end of Bickley Road and towards Bickley Mill. We would surely be joining up with the Shorts very soon. 

 

At the bottom of the hill, another arrow pointing east along Bickley Road. Psycho was on a mission...a myopic mission as it turned out as she'd run straight past an arrow pointing us up Mill Lane. Beefy shouted and shouted "On-Back", "On-Back". Myopia was supplanted by a hearing impediment as all that was registering on Psycho's mind was "On-On". 

 

And On-On she went, passing Bickley Mill. She was finding dots of flour. She must be on trail. Faster and faster she went. She was on trail alright.......on the Shorts' Trail and running it in the wrong direction! Only a huge spurt by Beefy (I hope you have some washing powder for that) enabled him to catch her up and turn her around......wottamistakkatomakka.

 

With Beeflicker still AWOL, the Pig stole a lead knowing full well that it wouldn't last. Mill Lane climbs steeply before dropping down into North Whilborough. Amazing. Dots of flour...and quite a lot of them. Left towards New Barn and Doctor Mac's Lane (also known locally as poo lane due to the number of dog walkers who use the lane - fortunately a lot cleaner now than years ago). 

 

About 150 yards along Doctor Mac's Lane, an arrow directed us up a track known as Commons' Lane.

At the end of the track we enter woodland....and marks! Exiting onto the Downs proper I pass Arkangel and comment on how good it was to see that Bath had made it into the Gallagher Rugby Premiership final. They finished bottom of the table last year so quite a turnaround.

 

Across the common and I see Roger the Dodger and Ned appear from the left. Back into the woods on the north side of the common and I pass Coldtits.

 

"On-On" chants Coldtits.

 

"On-On", I reply.

 

It is dry but stony underfoot on the footpaths through Kerswell plantation so one has to watch their footing. There are also a lot of roots to undo the unwary. 

 

Unscathed, it is left out of the quarry car park, past Foredown Kennels, past Slip-on-Me (now no longer a Devon A2B virgin) and back to OHFB's for the cheapest beer in England. I salute you sir!

 

Down-Downs

Forrest Stump assumed RA duties for the evening. But only after the Hash had tucked into OHFB's sausages and burgers washed down by a beer or two - or, in Shitfaced's case, a poly bin of white wine.

 

The Hash thank OHFB for the Down-Downs and Forrest asks if there are any awards present?

 

There is a solitary award in view. It is the Union Jack stove pipe hat and it is perched on Fukarewe's head. 

 

Fukarewe starts with a story of a Hasher who was found collapsed on the road and the good Samaritan that stopped to give him a lift. The downed Hasher was Man-Pig and the Samaritan was Ernie. The Pig was walking up to the On-Down as it was only 600 yards from home. However, the offer of a lift for the final 400 yards was too good to miss. 

 

Nevertheless, this misdemeanour was not good enough for a Down-Down. Fukarewe has another story. This is about the trail. Fukarewe describes it as a "Tractor trail". Namely, a trail that looks like it's been laid by tractor. The tell tale splatter pattern of flour dropped from height was the giveaway. OHFB gets the hat, a beer and Pork Torpedo leads the Hash into the S.H.I..Y.T.R.A.I.L song.

 

There are no more awards so Forrest has a story about wine drinkers and the GM letting the side down.

"Why aren't you drinking beer?"

 

Shitfaced is made to substitute his wine for a beer to the accompaniment of Pork Torpedo leading with "The Grand Old Duke of York".

 

Forrest comes up with another story, which I can't remember. This results in Squeaky Bum being awarded a half pint of ale which she has no problem in making it disappear PDQ.

 

There is a Harriet's birthday to celebrate. Forrest is very tactful and does not disclose that it was Miss Piggy's 76th last Friday. She is driving so Ablesemen, who also had a birthday last week, is nominated to take the Down-Down. That disappears pretty quickly too. Forrest can't remember if it's all the right notes in the wrong order. All the wrong notes in the right order or all the right words, but not necessarily in the right order. 

 

The horrendous cacophony kicks off and ends with Ablesemen performing an equally rapid disappearing trick with a half pint of ale.

 

That concludes the Down-Downs.

 

Now, my preference is to Hash from a pub rather than someone's abode. This is because I like to try new pubs and engage in a bit of people watching with non-Hashers. 

 

But sometimes things just drop into place and everything flows along seamlessly. 

 

And so it was last night. OHFB had a couple of braziers going just in case anyone got cold and he also did a sterling job on the barbecue. A couple of settees had been placed in the barn so that Hashers could rest their weary limbs and a couple of cable drums doubled as dining tables.

 

There was a good selection of tinned beers, coke and wine. All at the ridiculously cheap rate at £1/can and the same for burgers and sausages. 

 

There was the usual banter about this and that. Beefy explained the reason why some bar stools only have three legs. It's all about quality control and the lower degree of tolerance that you can get away with on a three legged item.

 

Forrest Stump was practising for his next pantomime role as a lethario. Smellie and Psycho are sitting comfortably on one of the settees eating their burgers. Forrest decides that he is going to sit slap bang in the middle of them. The problem is that this is the two-seater settee.....all very snug.

 

At the end of the evening we say our goodbyes. It is only a short walk home for me and some Hashers kindly offer me a lift. The best offer, however, came from Psycho. I am sure that she didn't mean what she actually said but we all burst out laughing. I rather suspect we already have a potential Down-Down for next week. But thankyou for the offer. It was hugely flattering......maybe another time?

 

A huge "Thankyou" to OHFB for your hospitality. What a great evening.

 

But the evening wasn't quite over. As I walked home, a lot of Hashers cars passed me with shouts of "On-On". Then, just as I reached Foredown Kennels, a car coming towards me pulled over and stopped. The passenger asked if I needed a lift? 

 

So which Hasher had turned around to give me a lift? No-one. This was a young couple that I have never set eyes on before. I guess that I looked a tad dishevelled and I had no torch. 

 

So, whoever you are, thank you so much for stopping but I was nearly home. God bless you.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Ipplepen Football Club and our Hare is Wet-Johnny.

 

On-On to next week MP