TVH3 The Words for 8th July 2024

The Dolphin, Bovey Tracey

Run No. 2028 - Wet, wet, wet

 

HARE: Poacher

 

I've never seen a stranger crowd: Poacher, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Forrest-Stump, Perry, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beeflicker, Wetfart, Ablesemen, Slip-on-Me, Ernie, Wet Johnny, Manopause Magnifico, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Soapy, Palmolive, Miss'Ing, Smash, Charlotte, Justin with Dylan, returnee Runner Bean and virgin Johnny Walker....yes, his real name!

 

Circle

Well. What a difference a week makes! Last week we had sun, sun and glorious sun. This week was wet wet wet. Last week we had a Conservative government. This week we have a Labour government. This week we will have our third scribe in three weeks. Albeit, the current incumbent is seriously considering resigning his commission given the excellence of Beefy's words from a fortnight ago.

 

But some things don't change. This week's words will be devoid of, "I wandered lonely as a cloud....." (Wordsworth/Gabriel) as we return to the dreary prose of the old and wizened scribe. Another thing that hasn't changed this week is the Hare. Poacher is back for his second trail in a week. Well done sir. I salute you.

 

A rather damp Shitfaced (had he been co-haring?) welcomed twent six (soon to be just as damp) hashers into the Circle. This included returnee Runner Bean, looking leaner and fitter than ever, and a virgin by the name of Johnny Walker....honest guv!

 

Poacher came forward and gave the Wet Johnny doppelgänger a sprinkling of flour whilst Johnny Walker explained that Pisswell had made him cum.

 

"Beefy......do you have any comments on this?"

 

"Yes. I can't work my camera with this splint on my arm!"

 

"Indeed".

 

Smellie is OK for Hares up to 4th November. I think that Forrest might want to pencil himself in for fireworks' night....weather permitting.

 

Ah. The weather. It is Wimbledon fortnight and once again the great British summer has lived up to its reputation. Namely wet. On the upside, I don't think that there's any fear of a hosepipe ban this summer.

Wetfart has an update on Teapot. He continues to make progress but at a painfully slow pace. But progress of any sort is to be welcomed. May the recovery continue.

 

So, over to the Hare for the briefest of descriptions of the trail.

 

"You're going to get muddy. Out the gate!"

 

Trail

Sure enough. At the entrance to the Dolphin's car park an arrow had the pack running up to the fire station roundabout before following another arrow up towards Moretonhampstead.

 

Well before reaching Moretonhampstead, we came to our first check. The obvious route was across the A382 and onto the Dartmoor Way - a disused railway track which now forms a part of Devon's cycling network. Wet Johnny, Manopause and Runner Bean checked out in this direction whilst the Hare remained suspiciously static at the check.

 

"On back", cries Poacher as he leads the loiterers into Bovey Park and through the underpass to access the Dartmoor Way in a rather subterranean manner. Initially, we were on the old railway track. Then we dropped down to the north bank of the River Bovey and the Walkers' & Shorts'/Longs' split. Poacher had the Longs off piste and scrambling up a slippery slope back onto the Dartmoor Way.

 

I was pretty sure that we'd be heading up to Wilford Bridge and returning to Parke via Blackmoor Copse and the woods to the south of the river. This mental model settled into my mind. I knew that there are effectively three parallel trails that could be taken between Bovey Tracey and Wilford Bridge whilst remaining on the north side of the river. We could follow the river bank; we could stay on the cycle path/dismantled railway or take the top path through the woods.

 

Poacher's trail was as cunning as a fox. We were treated to a mixture of all three paths and I still have no idea at which point we did a U-turn. Somehow,I found myself at the head of the pack having checked out a path with no check whilst the rest of the pack carried on up a broad tarmac track with Beeflicker leading the charge.

 

Thinking back, I am now sure that the broad tarmac track was the Dartmoor Way and the rest of the pack were, indeed, on a fool's errand heading towards Wilford Bridge. 

 

Meanwhile, I caught a glimpse of Poacher as Ernie and I climbed up some steps to a broad gravel footpath. I thought that I was back on the old railway line but I must have been on the higher footpath. Poacher was smiling and standing next to a newly marked check.

 

I went left towards what I assumed was Wilford Bridge. Ernie checked to the right. I found myself on trail and eventually caught up with Forrest-Stump at the final Long/Short split. This was a short loop and the next thing I know I am at Park Bridge.

 

By now, the rest of the Longs have caught up and, after an absence of marks for a couple of hundred yards, we are back on trail in the Parke car park....so to speak. It is now On-Home and to a welcome change into some dry clothes.

 

Thankyou Poacher. Another great trail in pretty appalling conditions.

 

Down-Downs

We tuck into some beers and some scoff prior to engaging in the Down-Downs. This was just as well as we had some late back from the trail.

 

The first late arrival was a very wet Smellie. She had got off trail and done her own thing. Next in was Shitfaced. At least he had got changed and was dry. Shortly thereafter, another wet late entry, 

 

Ablesemen. She too had got lost and done her own thing. Finally, a half dressed Wetfart entered the pub just before the Down-Downs. I am assuming that Miss'ing was back too but she is more of runner rather than a drinker and usually prefers to pass on the pub. So all back safely and the DD's can begin.

 

Back from his hols the Pig RA's. The first DD goes to super-Hare, Poacher. It is, of course, a cider. Pork Torpedo is with us so Poacher's DD is accompanied by, "He's the meanest.....".

 

Next, "Are there any awards?" Pisswell has been running around with the Hashshit shirt on. It is soaking wet and it is cold. But it has been washed....in a puddle. 

 

There is a story about splashing on trail but who is the guilty party? Wet-Johnny is identified by name but at a police line-up the Hash fails to distinguish between the real Wet-Johnny and the interloper Perkin Walbeck who now enjoys going by the name of Johnny Walker.

 

A quick check of the decibel-meter reveals a draw. The DD goes to Wet-Johnny's slightly taller twin to the accompaniment of the Songmeister. A quick tap on the shoulder and our visitor, Johnny Walker, dispatches his half in an instant.

 

Not so fast, Wet-Johnny. "Will the real splasher please come forward?" The real splasher gets a half of ale whilst the Songmeister comes up with, "You're stupid. You're stupid....."

 

"Are there any more stories?"

 

Yes. A story of selfless chivalry and innovation on the Hash. Someone has completed the Walkers' trail and kept dry. Not only had he kept himself dry, he had also kept his John Thomas dry when the call of nature came knocking half way through the trail. 

 

Piltdown Man had his brolly up all the way around the trail. For most of the trail, he did his best to share his shelter with two Harriets, Ablesemen and Georgy Porgy. But, now Mr Tadger takes precedence. The Harriets were abandoned whilst the pocket python was given a quick watering. "Why was he born so beautiful......"

 

There is only a half pint of water left. There are no stories but there is an item of lost property to be retuned to its owner. This time it is quite easy to identify the owner as this particular item of lost property has the owner's name on it. Not only that, it also records his official title bestowed on him by the King himself in the New Year Honours List. It is "Pillock of the Year 2023". It is a hat and it is sitting on Man-Pig's head.

 

The forgetful one takes one look at the half pint of water and makes a bee-line to the bar to get himself a pint before the ignominy of his identity is revealed to all those gathered. 

 

Just in time, Forrest gets his own Down Down (a full pint - no less) and dispatches it PDQ, once again to the accompaniment of the Songmeister.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from The Devon Dumpling, Torquay. Our Hares are Pork torpedo and Horny. The pub is offering curries, both meat and a vegetarian options at £7/head. You can order on the night and the pub will be making a big pot of each.

 

On-On to next week. MP.

 

Epilogue: Poacher couldn't recall if he'd arranged any Down-Downs with the pub. We asked the barman and he said that he didn't know anything about it. 

 

We explained the tradition behind the Down-Downs and he said that he would ask the pub Landlady.

Some considerable time later, we got the Landlady's response: "We don't do that anymore". 

 

Oh dear. What a shame.