"And then there was One"

TVH3 The Words for 14th October 2024

The Kestor Inn, Manaton 

 

Run No. 2045 

 

HARE: Poacher

 

 

 

Who wuz there: Poacher, Man-Pig, Beefy, Beeflicker, Pocket Rocket, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Roger the Dodger, Big End, Well Hopped, Melon Picker, Soapy, Johnny Walker, Coldtits, Satnav, Threesum, Red Rum and Wide Receiver

 

Circle

I was having difficulty in finding a suitable tag line for last night's Hash. Given the various antics and challenges faced by several Hashers (predominantly as a result of their group stupidity) I came up with the following shortlist:

 

"And then there was one" - this is a play on the title of the Genesis album "And Then There were Three". This refers to the original details contained in the Hash Diary as to who would be Haring: Poacher, Compo and Ollie. On the night in question we were blessed with Poacher as the solo Hare.

"The Only Way is UP". This title will become obvious as you read on.

"Riding the Scree". This is a Genesis track from their double album, The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway. Again, dear reader, press on for the blindingly obvious.

"The (In) Famous Five". This particular quintet of halfwits comprised Beeflicker, Johnny Walker, Pocket Rocket, Smellie and Man-Pig.

"Lost in Space" - well, it would have been if we'd climbed any higher!

Ultimately, I settled for the first tag line as it reflects Poacher's commitment in providing another excellent trail single-handedly; a trail that will be talked about for weeks to come!

 

In the absence of Shitfaced and U-Bend, Piltdown Man assumed GM duties.

"Are there any announcements?"

Smellie piped up, "Oh yes" and got her aide memoire out...I think the youngsters refer to it as a smart phone. Unfortunately, Smellie did not get her glasses out. She announced that she had some important information from Roger the Dodger regarding food at next week's Hash. Namely, the pub would like an indication of numbers by FRIDAY night. The scoff is hand made sausage roll and skinny fries at £6 a head. As to why Roger couldn't have announced this himself, I have no idea....and he was standing right next to Smellie!

 

So, over to Poacher.

 

"A lot of back checks and false trails. It is well marked in flour on the right. Avoid the hornets' nest. There is one Long/Short split. I have no idea as to distance".

 

Trail

I always have a little reservation when it comes to running on trails at night on the moor - particularly in poor weather. Fortunately, this evening, the weather was reasonably warm. Manaton lies in a protected valley and the Hare did not have us going up and onto the moor. So far, so good.

 

The cunning Poacher had us running downhill on the main road and our first check. We were running around in circles whilst waiting for various FRB's to return only to announce that they found crosses. Behind Poacher there is an old iron gate leading to a footpath and it is "On"....or is it?

 

The Hare calls "On back". We are diverted across dodgy stepping stones spanning a small brook. Next it is up a public footpath to Deal Cottage and another check which is, incorrectly, checked uphill by Wide Receiver. 

 

We cross the road and continue along another footpath that exits onto the main road by the telephone box. Poacher puts down a new arrow and we find more crosses. Soon we are all on trail and heading downhill on a wet and rocky footpath through woodland towards the River Bovey.

 

We are beginning to get spread out. Johnny Walker and Beefy are ahead. Behind me I hear Beeflicker and Red Rum chatting about an upcoming 100 miler (nuts!). Just before the single Long/Short split Beeflicker sails past. I follow him on the Long; a steep and slippery downhill section. Too slippery for some as I am sent flying like a skittle in a bowling alley. The bowling ball is a tumbling Hare. Poacher brushes himself down and disappears into the distance, not to be seen for the next hour. 

 

At the timber footbridge over the Bovey I catch up with Johnny Walker, Beeflicker and Pocket Rocket. They are checking out a non-existent trail on the other side of the bridge. Poacher has run ahead to catch up with Beefy....and, I am assuming, Wide Receiver. Then a voice behind me. It is Smellie.

"Oh. Am I on the Long?"

"Yes".

"I'll go back and rejoin the Shorts".

 

The back trail to the L/S split is steep and even Poacher got a little lost on it after his bowling ball impersonation. Hence, Smellie elects to remain with the Longs. Would she live to regret it?....somewhat!

 

After a fruitless 5 minutes looking for a trail on the north-east bank of the Bovey, we eventually get back on trail on the south-east bank heading downstream. Beeflicker, Johnny Walker and Pocket Rocket run ahead whilst Smellie and Man-Pig follow at a more sedate pace. 

 

There are a lot of fallen trees and the track is rather wet. Our three FRB's kindly wait for the meandering Pig and Smellie to catch up....twice. 

 

The footpath now takes an almost U-turn and we arrive at another wooden footbridge which we cross and turn right. Although we are heading upstream on a very broad track, I am thinking, "If we cross one footbridge we're going to gave to cross back again at some stage". Not so. Now that I am looking at the OS map I can see that this second footbridge spans Becka Brook and not the River Bovey.

 

Ahead of us, trouble....big trouble. An arrow has us climbing up a quite wide and very steep incline of scree. It is totally out of keeping with the surrounding woodland. It looks as though a tree, or trees, have blown over at the top of the hill and the forestry commission has dragged them down to the brook leaving a scar of exposed earth and stones.....very slippery. With an angle of 45 degrees, or greater, this is a bit of a challenge - especially for SMellie. We blindly follow Beeflicker almost to the top. We must have struggled up nearly 150 feet of a 1-in-1 incline. Beeflicker and Wet Johnny are almost at the top but can go no further due to dense vegetation. SMellie and the Pig are 3/4 of the way up. SMellie is doing remarkably well but cannot wait for the climb to end. We have not seen marks for about 100 feet. This would be a jolly challenging trail in the summer and in daylight let alone mid October. 

 

It gradually begins to dawn on us that we might be off trail. The only Hasher who appears paying a smidgen of attention to the trail is Pocket Rocket. He says that he has seen marks on the way up but they were some way back and they were on the LEFT. This would, of course, mean that they would be on the right if we were to descend.

 

The look on SMellie's face said it all.

"No way. I am not going back down there!"

But, "Down there" was exactly where we were going, like it or not.

Here Hash team play fell into action. A rather tired and highly unhappy SMellie was going to require a lot of assistance and encouragement to get her back on trail.

 

Beeflicker took up point position. He clambered down the scree and confirmed that he was back on trail. Johnny Walker and Pocket Rocket kept close to Smellie, assisting her down the scree with a combination of push-pull, hold and support. The Pig shuffled down on his bottom just in front of these three lest Smellie start a landslide....I'd be the first thing she hit.

 

Safely at the bottom a quick check revealed no damage or injury. However, SMellie had acquainted some extra weight. She had her kagool knotted around her waist and the hood has acted like an excavator bucket during her descent....it was full of stones. Once destoned were were back on trail but it was already 9pm. We had lost at least half an hour on our 300 foot excursion....c'est la vie.

 

We start climbing away from Becka Brook and arrive at a crossroads and a check on a forestry track. It had been marked out straight across. Very soon, too soon, an arrow had us off track and going uphill again through foliage.

"Oh no. Not again", sighed SMellie.

 

At least this time it was not quite so steep and there was no scree to worry about. Once again, Johnny Walker and Pocket Rocked took on the role of trail finders and always stopped and waited for us to catch up. The Pig occupied the middle ground whilst, to the rear, Beeflicker became SMellie's climbing partner.

 

We reached another broad forestry track and could hear calling....BELOW US!?

It was Poacher who'd come back to look for us. We were on trail and met up with Poacher at the broad track that leads up to Beckhams. We were on the level now and decided to trot the last mile home. Behind us were Poacher, SMellie and Beeflicker with Poacher lying to Smellie saying that, "It's only a quarter of a mile to the pub". A quarter of a Poacher country mile maybe?

 

Nevertheless, somehow the Pig, Pocket Rocket and Johnny Walker missed a turn even though the marks suggested that we were on trail. Wet Johnny consults his iPhone map and we backtrack. We now follow the phone's guidance back to the pub but come across no marks. Somehow, Smellie, Poacher and Beeflicker have got back to the pub before us.

 

I eventually get my hands wrapped around a pint of beer at 9.45. This is better than the last time but one when Poacher laid a trail from here. Back then it was nine miler and 9.50 before I got my hands on a beer. I'd say that this was an improvement.

 

Seriously though, it was a good trail and well marked. Only the inherent laziness of Hashers blindly following the person in front led to our mountaineering detour. So a big "Thankyou" to Poacher for Haring again and, additionally, for coming back out to look for us. Also, a "Thankyou" to the Famous Five. Team play came to the fore and thus we avoided a catastrophe turning into a disaster. I think we all deserved our beers last night.

 

Down-Downs

Once again the pub had been exceptionally generous in providing 6 halves of ale for our Down-Downs. Although, by the time 9.30 had been and gone, they may have thought that there may have been no worthy candidates to take advantage of their generosity. How wrong they were.

 

At nearly 10pm the Pig calls for Hash Hush. We start by thanking the pub for the beer. Now, to whom to award it? Wide Receiver had already gone home so, for the remainder, there was a one-in-three chance of getting a Down-Down.

"Does anyone have an award from last week?"

Beeflicker has the Checking Chicken hat. Almost inevitably he awards this to Poacher for being Hare and providing us with a somewhat interesting trail. Poacher does not drink ale so was happy to down half of his own cider; "Here's to the Hare....."

 

There are no more awards but are there any stories? Strangely, there is silence. The Pig breaks the silence by asking the pack about voice-overs on the TV and does anyone know who does the voice-over for Thomas the Tank Engine. They all know that it is Ringo Starr. But who does the voice-over for Roger the Dodger? SMellie of course. We still have all 6 halves intact so it is one half to SMellie and another half for Roger the Dodger for letting Smellie speak on his behalf. A note for, "Thomas the tank engine".

 

For some reason Poacher has thrown the Checking Chicken hat over to the Pig. Not a wise move as the Pig recalls the incident of Poacher falling over and rolling into him like a bowling ball. The Checking Chicken hat sits back on Poacher's head as he downs the remainder of his pint of cider. A note for, "The ten-pin bowler".

So many beers, so few stories until Coldtits lets the cat out of the bag.

"There was another faller."

"Who?"

"Beefy".

So a half pint to, "The faller".

 

The story of the mountaineering exploits is just begging to be told. Now, as kind and as necessary as it was to assist SMellie both up and down the treacherous scree, it was not without its issues. Mainly, where does one put one's hands so as not to cause offence? Oh dear what a dilemma to havva. Our principal heroes, Pocket Rocket and Johnny Walker are called up for a beer each accompanied by a wholly uncharitable and undeserved, "Here's to the sex pests...."

 

There is now only one beer left and no stories.......but someone has yet to be named. This is Johnny Walker (yes, this is his real name). There are suggestions of Red, Blue and Black Label (whiskies). We then get to learn that Johnny Walker is a court manager. Now there are quasi-legal suggestions for names: Judge Dredd, Jail Ale etc but the outright winner, suggested by Beeflicker, is Judge-Mental.

"On your knees. From this day forth thou shalt be known as Judge-Mental. Drink it Down, Down, Down....."

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Cockhaven Arms, Bishopsteignton with Hares Roger the Dodger, Big End and Well Hopped. Food orders via the TVH Facebook page before Friday night please; hand made sausage roll and skinny fries at £6-a-head.

 

On-On to next week. MP