"Forrest's Famous Fireworks & Roadkill Stew Hash"

 

TVH3 The Words for 4th November 2024

Tinkley Bottom

Run No. 2048

HARES: Forrest-Stump & Man-Pig

 

 

 

Who wuz there: Forrest-Stump, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Beeflicker, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Poacher, Ernie, Ted, Coldtits, Satnav, Ablesemen, Smash, Miss Mash, Psycho, Warmfront, Soapy, Melonpicker, Palmolive, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Roger-the-Dodger, Arkangel, Wet-Johnny, Wide Receiver, Threesum, Base Camp, Woodlend's friend (sorry - forgot your name), Only Here for the Beer, Judge-Mental, Dog End and returnees Flying Pig, Trucker and Pocket Rocket

 

Circle

"Welcome to the the Teign Valley Strip - a smoke free zone" (for the time being).

Shitfaced continued the welcome by welcoming back Pisswell who had just returned from a diplomatic mission to the White-House. Her goal? To secure permission to use the TVH3 stockpile of fireworks outside the borders of the Teign Valley. Joe Biden thanked Pisswell Putin for visiting and her reassurance that TVH3 had a special place for Kamala in the Teign Valley. In fact so good that she'd brought Kamala back with her!

 

Threesum notified the Hash that this year's Christmas Party would be held at Teignmouth Rugby Club on Saturday 7th December. The cost of £15/head would be subsidised by the Hash. Accordingly, those who pay an annual membership get the reduced price at £5/head and those who pay weekly subs would pay £10/head.

 

Piltdown Man promoted the upcoming TVH3 beer and curry night. This will take place in Newton Abbot on Friday 22 November and take in the Cider Bar, Weatherspoons and probably end up in the Eastern Eye.

 

Ablesemen reminded us that next week's Hash is from the Higweek Inn, Newton Abbot. Importantly, if you want food (baked potato & chilli con carne or ham, egg & chips - both at £8/head) she will need to know by Wednesday 6th November. Kindly advise your orders via the FB page.

Eventually it is over to the Hares.

 

Forrest has laid the Walkers' trail which is exactly 1 mile as we need to get everyone back quickly for the roadkill stew and fireworks.

 

Man-Pig has laid the Shorts' and the Long's trails which are "not long". The only thing to be aware of are back-checks, "Go back to the last mark and pick up the trail from there. The last part of the trail will be coming back on the outward trail. Do not go round again!"

 

Trail

Following the establishment of independent parliaments in both Wales and Scotland, the Teign Valley Strip is fighting for devolulion from the tyrannical machinations emanating from London as a result of last week's budget. 

 

To this end, the valley has created the TVH3 LDV. Our very Home Guard and tonight was to be our first training run in preparation for the BFT. Thirty four volunteers assembled to learn the arts of night time vision, orienteering and observation with a little bit of fitness thrown in for good measure.

But, before embarking on the nighttime operation, a quick inspection of the volunteers was required. This was taken by the QM, Sergeant Piltdown-Fraser. He reported back that he could not detect any North Koreans amongst the volunteers and that all of Corporal Forrest-Jones cats and dogs had been accounted for. Excellent.

 

The route march was fairly straight forward. The Walkers, under the command of Corporal Forrest-Jones would follow the river to the first bridge. Then, about-turn, and return via the woods. A simple case of following the dots.

 

Those who had already passed their basic assessment would be on a slightly longer and hillier route. They would be under the command of Captain Pig-Waring. Initially, the route ascended Farley Hill, avoiding any booby traps laid by the Pooks. At the Long/Short split, the Shorts would descend down past Ruggedon Farm and take the footpath that runs parallel with the goyle down, and then up, to El Dorado (Trusham). A couple of checks were laid to challenge their sense of direction but, all being well, they should be back well within the hour.

 

The Longs continued along Farley Hill. Their challenge was to recall what a back-check was and what to do when they reached it. Nearly all found the back-check a mere 300 yards past the Long/Short split. An about turn and back to the last mark which, unsurprisingly, was the Long/Short split. All the Longs arrived back at the L/S split before the Shorts and continued their FRB-ing all the way back to Platoon HQ at Tinkley Bottom. 

 

Back at the L/S split ,one of the group had used their initiative to assist the back markers by placing three logs strategically across the road so as to form an arrow. Not only did the improvisation mark the direction of the trail, it also blocked the road from any Pooks pursuing by quad bike. Good work. This had all the hallmarks of the Topiary twins at work. They will be mentioned in dispatches....and in the Circle.

 

Down-Downs

Back at HQ the first order of service was to get some scran down you. The recruits had brought their plates, KSF and, most importantly, money. In fact, Forrest's road kill stew was so popular that Forrest didn't get to have any himself....it was that good.

 

Captain Main-Pig assumed his RA'ing role. The first thing we did was to thank Corporal Forrest-Jones for the venue; then for the roadkill stew, the beer and, best of all, for the enormous bonfire. It must have taken ages to build.

 

Captain Man-Waring then asked if anyone had an award from last week.

 

"What? No-one?" The only award present was the one sat on the good Captain's head. It was the Jester's Hat and it wasn't even his own award. It was Wetfart's from last week. An initial candidate was Wide-Receiver. Wide Receiver didn't want to get the tires wet on his vintage MGB Roadster so he parked on the tarmac outside Corporal Stump's residence. 

 

However, Wide-Receiver was missing. Apparently he'd been RTU'd immediately after the trail......for pretending it was a race. Serves him right.

 

The Topiary Twins were then invited into the Circle.

"Which one of you was responsible for the road block?"

"Neither", respond the twins. "It was Sapper Poacher".

"Where's Sapper Poacher?".

"Over by the bonfire sir. Preparing the ordnance".

"Get him here PDQ".

Now, owing to the nature of the evening's activities, we have been loaned Sapper Poacher from 9 SQN due to his expertise in pyrotechnics.

 

Sapper Poacher arrives whinging about primed detonators in proximity to a large fire.....nothing to worry about there I'm sure. There is some scurrying around behind the Field Kitchen in search of a pint mug. We have three very large half pint measures of beer pre-poured but Sapper Poacher only drinks cider. We have the cider but no receptacle. It is soon sorted and the cider disappears to the accompaniment of "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

 

Eventually, a story is squeezed out of the pack. It involves Warmfront....again. I think she was a faller. Warmfront is driving and asks to nominate. Medic Godfrey-Psycho is nominated and is already a bit doddery on her feet. Another pint will finish her off. Corporal Stump-Jones saves the day by offering her a bed to lay.....erm....her head and the generous half pint disappears.

 

Private Shit-Sponge has a story.

 

"We have a retired Hasher in our midst from just across the water. In fact, a mere stone's throw away. Despite the distance, 40 yards as the crow flies, he has got a taxi here".

 

In fairness, the River Teign does lie as a natural protective border along one edge of our HQ. Nonetheless, if he'd been Jesus, he could have walked. So it is a note for, "Here's to Jesus he's so blue....." etc.

 

A backdated (in the mists of time) DD is awarded to Wet Johnny. His misdemeanour, being found naked at the side of the road.

 

When this story eventually unfolded, this event did actually take place. But not in this country and not this year. It was many years ago in Chile. Apparently, WJ had got blind drunk and was throwing up on the side of a road. Despite being blind drunk he had the presence of mind to make sure that he didn't mess himself if he followed through at both ends. His solution was to undress and carry on throwing up at the side of the road......delightful!

 

The final half pint has to go to our host, Corporal Forrest-Jones-Stump for, well, everything. Another fantastic firework Hash. Talking of which it is now time for Sapper Poacher to do his stuff.

 

The fireworks commence (no maroons this year). We have boxes where you light one corner and then wait for the pyrotechnics to go off in sequence. We have flares, roman candles, giant sparklers but I don't see any bangers, jumping jacks or Catherine wheels....I think they've been banned. The Catherine wheels always used to fall off their nails and then appeared to deliberately chase children around the garden. Then the finale - the rockets. Oh, the rockets. Big ones. Small ones. Whistlers, wailers and starbursts and then there were the Katoushkas!

 

Unbeknown to the TVH3 LDV, the valley's goal for independence was now a major concern for the new Labour Government. Could this be contagious, an explosion of devolution across the UK? At that very moment, a USAF AWACS was flying high above our heads. Their incredibly sophisticated thermal imaging had detected Poacer's missile launch site. Unfortunately, the AWACS was running some new Beta software. This identified the Standard Firework Whizzer's heat trail as the exhaust signature of a Katouska rocket. Additionally, its trajectory was towards Tel Aviv. Mossad intercepted and deciphered comms from the AWACS. Four F-15E's were scrambled from Hatzerim airbase to make a targeted precision strike on the Teign Valley; a round trip of 6,440 miles. Recently deployed KC-46A Pegasus were already in the air and provided the two refuellings required by each F-15E.

What a spectacular firework display.

 

When asked about the attack, Private Shit-Sponge (a retired opium farmer from the Teign Valley) said:

"We weren't expecting that! As long as the IDF don't hit any pubs, bars or licensed cafe's they can come again next year."

 

Another eye witness, Medic Psycho, said that she was so traumatised by the amount of beer she'd drunk that she missed the whole thing!

 

In the aftermath of the attack a source, who has asked not to be named, said:

"Death will come on swift win,gs to those who have defiled the Valley. Once we secure authorisation from the FO (Lieutenant Scroogesum) to expend Hash funds, we will be beetling down to Lidl for another box of fireworks". Although informed sources understand that authority to expend Hash Cash will only be granted after 5th November when the FO anticipates that they'll be on offer at half price.

Sir Kier Starmer addressed the House on Tuesday morning. He described the Teign Valley as a place of utter lawlessness.

 

"It is bandit country", he said. The prime minister went on to reiterate that Israel has the right to defend itself against the acts of November 4th.

 

A spokesman for the TVH3 LDV confirmed that one bonfire had been completely destroyed in the attack and that there had been a single casualty; one Guido Fawkes, a 454 year old catholic man from Westminster, London. Apparently he had been hiding on the top of the bonfire at the time of the attack.

Also missing was Private Coldtits who was last seen on Monday night, off trail, and heading in the direction of Chudleigh. In light of the attack, TVH3 LDV have advised that they will, in future, read the instructions on the side of the box before leaving it next to the bonfire!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Highweek Inn, Newton Abbot. Ablesemen is Hare. I think that this is a joint Hash with Haldon. 

 

On-On to next week. MP