The Three Virgins and an Equine Adventure

TVH3 The Words for 19th November 2024

The Prince of Orange

Run No. 2050

HARES: Smash, Miss Mash & Satnav

 

Who wuz there: Smash, Miss Mash, Satnav, Man-Pig, Archangel, Beefy, Pisswell, Coldtits, Pocket Rocket, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Ernie, Wetfart, Psycho, Wet-Johnny, Red Rum, Miss'Ing and special guest of honour - Teapot!

 

Circle

In the absence of Shitaced, Piltdown Man called "Hash Hush" for the Circle. Only one half of the Topiary Twins was present - Psycho. But she was making enough noise for both of them so Piltdown handed over RA'ing duties to her for failing to adhere to the "Hash Hush". Despite being put on the spot, she made a pretty good job of it, especially as there was only one notice.

 

The solitary notice came from Man-Pig and relates to a change of Hash for next week. Unfortunately, Poacher can no longer do next Monday's Hash. Hence the replacement Hare will be Man-Pig and the On-Down will be the Lord Nelson in Kingskerswell. Details to be confirmed on the TVH3 Facebook page.

 

So over the the Hares, all three of which have arrived by bicycle. Would we be on cycle paths for the entire trail? We would soon find out.

 

Smash explained that there was a Long, Short and a Walkers' trail. However, a combination of wind, rain and sabotage had obliterated a number of marks and the first Long/Short split was:

"Up the road and on the left".

 

Trail

So off we trotted, crossing Barton Hill Road to the chip shop and then heading uphill. Sure enough, 200 yards later we come to the L/S split. The Shorts were to carry on up Barton Hill Road whilst the Longs descended on a track that I never knew existed. This was virgin territory for me and I must have run past this track dozens of times, always assuming that it was a private track. The track is aptly named, Bottom Park Lane. It is long and steep, descending onto Kingsley Avenue.

 

The Shorts (Miss'Ing and Red Rum) meanwhile carried on up Barton Hill Road to the triangle junction between Barton Hill Road and Kingskerswell Road. Here I am assuming that they arrived at the Walkers'/Shorts' split; the Shorts commencing the fantastically steep descent down Daccombe Hill whilst my guess is that the Walkers (Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Wetfart and Pocket Rocket - I'm not sure which trail Arkangel was on!!!) would have carried on up Barton Hill Road before veering right and along Great Hill Road. The next time that we saw the Walkers was back at the bar of the Prince of Orange.

 

Back on the Longs (Psycho, Beefy, Wet Johnny, Man-Pig, Ernie & Pisswell) Psycho picked up the trail heading south down Kingsley Avenue and then climbing up Leeward Lane. I hadn't seen a mark since the L/S split and simply followed the FRB's hoping/assuming that they were on trail.

 

Near the top of Leeward Lane, we ground to a halt and started back checking - including a footpath that wound its way down and onto Windward Road. Below me I could hear Ernie. "On On. There's a check here". The FRB's were a bit spread out but all converged on Ernie and Pisswell who were already on Windward Road. Amazing. Ernie had found another bit of "dust". We were now arcing around and onto Lindisfarne Way. However, before we got there Pisswell spied another mark and we now entered a large play park with swings and seesaws etc. At the other end of the play park, we came out at the bottom of Cassiobury Way where Smash was waiting for us on her bike.

 

We were encouraged to continue along Browns Bridge Road. Opposite Nightingale Close, there is a public footpath that takes one up to Barton Hall. One of the FRB's must have spied a mark or two as the FRB's ascended up and past Barton Hall and onto Kingskerswell Road where we found a large and intact flour arrow, "Hoorah". In front of me were Psycho, Beefy and Wet Johnny. Behind me, and not to be seen again till the pub, were Ernie and Pisswell.

 

Beefy assumes that he is on trail and takes us down Orestone Lane but marks were decidedly absent. When we came to the junction with Daccombe Hill, Wet Johnny checked uphill but came back empty handed. Psycho checked out a farm track and also came back with little in the way of guidance. Hence, we carried on into Daccombe. Hallejula! At the bottom of Footland Lane was another arrow pointing uphill. Half way along Footland Lane we saw torchlight. It was the almost solitary Shorts - just Miss'Ing and Red Rum.

 

We just happened to be at the bottom of a track that leads up to Ridge Road which is a fast and dangerous road for joggers as there is no footpath and not much in the way of verges. However, there is a verge at the top of this track that would allow a relatively safe crossing at Roccombe Cross and onto either Newton Hill or Honey Lane which are on the other side of Ridge Road. Despite the absence of marks, we agreed to the Pig's suggestion and climbed the track. Then, just before Ridge Road, an apparition - fairy lights. They weren't here when I ran up here on Sunday the Pig thought. I then looked at my feet and I was standing on an arrow pointing through an open gate. Ahead of us another open gate and another set of fairy lights. We were back on trail but on private ground.

 

We followed the fairy lights along a track, diagonally across a field and then along a broad track. After 300 yards we arrived at an illuminated stabling block. It was the drink stop and what a fantastic drink stop it was. We were surrounded by 4 stabled horses and a collapsible picnic table adorned with Pimms, Martini, orange juice, water and an array of savoury nibbles and sweets. It was all really rather relaxing being surrounded by the horses. The only thing missing was the rest of the pack! Regrettably, they never made it so they missed a great drink stop.

 

Poor Smash had various phone calls coming in and going out about Hashers lost on trail....or off trail. For the Longs, the most expedient way back would be to deviate from the planned trail as the marks would Shirley be washed away by now. The Pig said that he knew exactly where we were and that he would lead the pack back to the pub.

 

We backtracked over the private land from whence we came only be be barked at. Not by a dog but by the land owner.

"What are you doing. Why are all these gates open?"

We explained that we were merely following the trail of fairy lights. The land owner could see that we didn't really fit the description of your traditional horse thief and waved us on our way.

 

Back on the public footpath, we crossed Ridge Road and then ran on the verge down to Honey Lane. We then proceeded down Honey Lane and started finding blobs of flour to our right. We were back on trail.....sort of. At the junction of Honey Lane with Great Hill Road we came across an arrow and a "W" but it was pointing towards us. It looked as though we were now running the Walkers' trail but in reverse. The Pig assured us that he knew where he was going and took the pack onto a small footpath that links Great Hill Road with Roccombe Close.

 

"Aloha". Another arrow, but this time pointing down Swedwell Road. We were back on trail and the marks seemed relatively intact. The trail now took us down Swedwell Road and then right and up Jacks Lane and onto Barton Hill Road opposite the first L/S split. In next to no time we were back at the On-Down.

 

Down-Downs

I don't know. Was it the weather, the location or a new "On-Down" that had reduced this week's numbers to less than half of previous hashes? It made no difference. Those that did turn up thoroughly enjoyed the trail. In fact, the absence of marks (through no fault of the Hares) made it all the more interesting. Plenty of virgin territory to boot which is a rare thing in this neck of the woods, so well done Hares. Particularly, young Miss Mash on her virgin lay.

 

A postmortem of the "missing marks" revealed that most of the marks that were on road were not missing at all, especially around the Daccombe area. The strong winds and relatively light rain had combined for an awful lot of leaf fall throughout the afternoon and early evening. These were mainly hazel leaves and they had simply covered a lot of the marks. It also highlighted the fact that different species of deciduous trees lose their leaves at different times throughout the autumn. The chestnut trees in my neighbour's garden have already dropped all of their leaves, the sycamores and hazels still retain about half their leaves and the ash tree hedge will lose its leaves very slowly throughout the autumn/winter period. I seem to spend the entire winter sweeping these up well after every other species of tree has lost all of their leaves.

 

On entering the pub an unexpected but wonderful surprise.; Teapot was sat at the bar with Wetfart. Teapot was smiling away and it was great to have him back. A shame that Psycho had to rush off as Teapot would have liked to have had a catch up with his occupational health specialist.

 

We started by thanking the pub for having us and making us welcome. So welcome, in fact, that a couple of hashers had popped over the road for fish 'n' chips and brought them into the pub.

 

Smash hadn't prearranged Down-Downs with the pub and we thought it a bit rude to ask a virgin "On-Down" for free beer on our first visit. That would have been a little presumptuous. So, Smash kindly arranged for three halves of Doombar and two glasses of water. Now, whom to award said victuals?

There is only one award present. It is the Jester's Hat which Pisswell has from last week. This she awards to Satnav for a temper tantrum in throwing her bike to the ground just before the Circle (I think you'll find that it blew over in the wind....twice, along with Small & Miss Mash's bikes). A note for the "Bike Smasher" who is not driving and elects to have a beer for a change.

 

No more awards so are there any stories? Silence.

Hence the three Hares, or is it the three virgins, are called up for their Down-Downs. Three virgins? Yes indeedy:

1. Virgin territory

2. Virgin On-Down

3. Virgin lay by Miss Mash

The RA did ask Smash and Satnav if it was also their virgin lays? No. Satnav assures us that she last laid a TVH trail 14 years ago! Crikey, that's worse than Smellie!

 

The remaining two waters and a beer are despatched by the trio of Hares to a chorus of "Here's to the virgins".

 

The last beer. There must be a story. And so there is. A hasher is mentioned as being afraid of the dark - the recipient is Ernie. However, the story needs a little more elaboration. Ernie actually told Pisswell that he was scared of being in the dark with her!!

 

Well, we all got back safely on what turned out to be a very interesting trail. I am sure that hashers can smell free booze a mile off....marks or no marks. I think the Walkers will simply need to refine their olfactory glands when seeking out the drink stop....no need for marks at all!

 

Next week

A change of venue for next week's Hash. This will now be from the Lord Nelson in Kingskerswell. Our Hare for the evening will be Man-Pig.

On-On to next week. MP