'I HAVE A CUNNING PLAN'

TVH3 The Words for 19th January 2026

The Wighton, Torquay

Run No. 2112

HARE: Man-Pig

Who wuz there: Man-Pig, Beefy, Coldtits, Smellie, Miss'Ing, Roger the Dodger, Big End, Well Hopped, Strap-On, Strap-Dancer, Ernie, Wet Johnny, Erection, Polyfella, Psycho, Warmfront, Cheerio Beerio, Matt, Threesum, Wetfart and special guest of honour - Teapot

Circle

In the absence of our GM, Man-Pig stands in as acting GM and welcomes 20 into the Circle. He then gives a 10 minute spiel about food orders - but, he is wasting his time as nobody wishes to eat.

Threesum asks if there is a Walkers' trail and Wetfart enquires as to distance. The Hare answers, "Yes. Two point five. Three point five and a shade over 5". Hmmm.....time will tell.

Announcements

Smellie has no announcements so it is over to the Hare who states that "It is one and on". Accordingly, there will be no crosses to mark false trails.

Trail

We turn left out of the pub car park and up to the junction of Newton Road and Riviera Way. At the bottom of Kingskerswell Lane is a Long & Short/Walkers split. But nobody sees it as they have crossed the road a fraction too early and are making their way towards Torquay on the wrong, and unmarked, side of Rivera way.

All are called back and shepherded in the right direction.

The Shorts and Longs make their way up Kerswell Lane. Some FRB's arrive at a back check and return to search for the trail. Others have to be called back. Two, however, are so far ahead that they do not hear the calls of "On-back" and are not seen again till 9.20pm.

The backcheck results in a jump over a hedge where, amazingly, Smellie finds herself at the head of the pack. There is some scurrying around on woodland footpaths before exiting into Swallowfield Rise and looping along Welsbury Close before dropping down onto the footpath to rejoin the Walkers.

The Pig is supposed to be sweeping and assumes that he is at the rear of the pack with Strap-On. He is oblivious to the fact that that Polyfella and Warmfront are carrying on regardless. Maybe they have picked up the Haldon Hash trail from the Devon Dumpling?

The pack is now on a common trail shared by the Walkers, Shorts and Longs. Man-Pig, Strap-On, Cheerio Beerio and Matt are the tail enders - or are they? The trail now sweeps past Sainsbury's filling station at The Willows and up Nicholson Road. An arrow takes us across the Magistrate's Court car park and onto a check.

At this point, the Pig has a brainwave. "To save re-laying the trail tomorrow for AshHash, as we're at the back of the pack I'll just patch up the checks as we go along".

We are on the footpath to the south of Nightingale Park and we soon come to the Long/Short split. Although the Longs will be way ahead, I bid farewell to my companions who have all elected to go Short. Meanwhile, despite never a chance of catching up with the FRB's, I continue to sweep the Longs, rebuilding all the kicked out checks as I go.

The trail takes us along two edges of the park before joining Barton Hill Way and then turning right down Barton Hill Road where I am presented with torchlight. FRB's, Beefy, Miss'ing and Psycho are searching for flour or chalk arrows without success. The Pig points them up Dorchester Grove and along a small ginnel to Salisbury Avenue.

An arrow takes us right and then left across the road and up a tarmac footpath. the blobs of floor now follow the footpath to the right just below Shrewsbury Avenue. Eventually a check. It has not been kicked out. Does this mean that Warmfront and Polyfella are in front of us, and not kicking out checks, or are they still behind us? The Hare waits whilst the the three FRB's who are present each check out a different rout. Miss'ing calls "On-On" and Beefy and Psycho are called "On-Back". The Hare points them in the right direction and leaves the check intact for tomorrow.......or so he thinks.

The trail descends ancient steps down to Hele Road. The FRB's miss an arrow and have to called back as they head up Hele Road. Almost opposite the steps that we have just descended is a short alleyway that leads to another set of steps. These climb upto Pendennis Road.

Arriving at Pendennis Road, an arrow takes us almost straight across and up a tarmac path onto Windmill Hill and another check. Again the three FRB's spread out and check. Again, Miss'ing is on the correct path. We zig and zag along a woodland path encountering the detritus of two adolescent dens.

Eventually, we find an arrow and a jolly jaunt along a footpath between the woodland and council houses and thence onto Auderley Avenue.

We cross to the far side of the avenue and head uphill to a check at the entrance to a set of steep steps that form the beginning of a rather underused public footpath. Miss'ing checks the footpath and returns empty handed, as do Beefy and Psycho. The Hare suggests that all have another look at the footpath. This time they do not return. Once more the check is left intact.....oh what a cunning plan by the Hare. He can stay in bed till lunchtime tomorrow and get away without have to do any relaying for AshHash the following day!

The footpath is a little overgrown and there is a 20 foot section that has partially collapsed leaving a 4" wide sloping surface to walk on. Beefy decides he is better off jumping down into the adjacent gulley rather than fall into it. The others tiptoe precariously along its edge.

On hitting Cricketfield Road, we encounter another check. But this one has been kicked out.....the wrong way. The FRB's are called back and redirected uphill along Cricketfield Road where they succesfully rejoin the Shorts' trail. However, have the Shorts ever been on this part of the trail as the check at the Barton Road entrance to Chapel Hill is intact?

For the fourth time, Miss'ing finds the trail thereby necessitating the calling back of our serial losers, Psych and Beefy who have failed to find the trail at every check.

In Chapel Woods, even the Hare can't find his trail but we all find the exit onto and across Newton Road with arrows heading towards the traffic lights at Shiphay junction. It is left and up Shiphay Lane for a few yards before crossing onto the new(ish) illuminated cycle path that runs below the hospital and links Shiphay Lane to Lowes Bridge. Psycho has never been down here and comments that she thought that the whole trail had been quite pretty. The Hare's comment was, "Most of tonight's trail looks better in the dark!"

We follow the trail down Newton Road. However, at Cadewell Lane we lose our FRB, Miss'ing. Miss'ing stays on the Newton Road all the way back to the pub but the trail actually turns left and up Cadewell Lane for about 100 yards to another (still intact) check at an alleyway that leads to Rougemont Avenue. It is not long before the final trio arrive at an "OH" mark followed by another "OH" mark at some steps that lead down to Newton Road a mere 100 yards from the On-Down.

Down-Downs

We arrive back at the Wighton bang on 9pm. The Walkers and the Shorts was considerably shorter than the Longs so there has been some attrition. Some have gone straight home due to needing to pick up kids from football training. Others have had one pint and left, most importantly Hash Cash has paid for the Down-Downs before exiting stage right.

Despite losing 55% of the pack we have gained a VIP. It is Teapot. "Great to see you and Happy New Year". Our starting pack of 20 has shrunk to 9.

Only Smellie has an award. This she deservedly gives to Teapot as a very much welcome returnee. Teapot sensibly elects to take the sole glass of water present.

Now it is story time. Psycho has a story about Beefy. We are on Grosvenor close and within eyesight of the On-Down. Beefy is convinced that we will be going uphill and commences ascending Grosvenor Avenue. Unsurprisingly there are no marks as this is not part of the trail. "You're stupid. You're stupid....."

Next Beefy has a story. This is about a Harriet who, at the commencement of the trail, makes a bee line for her car. Was she going to do the trail by car? No, she was simply getting her hat and gloves. "Here's to the dapper dresser".

Beefy decides that the Hare cum GM cum RA and now, additionally, scribe warrants a down-down. "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

The Hare now spills the beans on Warmfront with a story from last week's trail. "Who has long hair that managed to find its way into a puddle when she somersaulted a cycling barrier at last week's hash?". A sheepish Warmfront takes her DD in relatively swift fashion.

There is still a half pint left. Candidates include Ernie and Smellie who have clocked up 5.9 miles on the Shorts. They swear that they were on trail the whole time. Suspiciously, 5.9 miles is exactly the same distance that Beefy got on the Longs. There is also a story about pregnancy tests. Does a young Harriet have any news for us? It all gets rather distorted with references to baby sharks in Dubai. The long and the short of it [sic] is that Psycho gets the last DD, and a jolly good beer moustache in the process. This is for finding parts of a pregnancy testing kit on trail!

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Two Mile Oak, on the Newton Abbot to Totnes Road near Abbotskerswell. Our Hare is Wet Johnny. Being the Hash closest to Burn's night Hashers are invited to don Scottish theme, either on trail or in the pub.

On-On to next week, MP

POSTSCRIPT

Our Hare is snug as a bug in a rug. Tomorrow's trail is laid......or is it? Polyfella and Warmfront are 15 minutes behind the other Longs on returning to the pub. After realising that they were not on trail at the top of Kerswell Lane they backtracked and picked up the trail. Being the good Hashers that they are, they kicked out all the checks on their way round.... Whatamistakatomaka! Long drawn out sigh...