TVH3 The Words for 16th March 2026

The Upside Bar, Paignton

Run No. 2120 - Park Runs

HARE: Man-Pig 

 

A very light drizzle greeted the 12 intrepid souls who had made it into The Upside Bar. We ventured outside just in time to call back Ernie who had either:

a) embarked on the trail early

or b) had got lost within 15 feet of the pub

 

In the absence of our GM, who had no car and probably not enough pocket money to pay for the parking, Piltdown Man assumed role of GM.

 

Numbers were a little down at 12 but this was swollen by the late arrival of Warmfront and Psycho and the even later arrival of Coldtits sans Smellie (who we thought, incorrectly, might be on the next train).

There were no announcements, not even when Psycho advised us that she was expecting (she didn't actually say this. What she actually said was that she was "late"). The Hare gallantly volunteered to do The Words.

So, without further ado or any other late arrivals, it was over to the Hare. There were three trails: Walkers', Longs' and Shorts'. Being in town all three would be predominantly on road. However, on the "Upside", the Hare guaranteed us the opportunity to try a selection of beers that we are unlikely to have encountered previously.

"Does anyone want to know distances?" enquires the Hare. The only affirmation came from Georgy Porgy who wanted to know how long the Walkers' trail was.

"About two and a half miles" guessed the Pig. The Pig then took the pack over to the nearest mark and said, "This is what the marks will look like when on tarmac or concrete". Barely visible against the reflection of streetlights and passing cars was a small, faded, single-headed, chalk arrow.

"It's so small" commented Warmfront.

"So my wife keeps telling me", retorted the Pig. "I don't need to come to the Hash to be insulted".

She did have a point though. The chalk arrows, whilst clear when laying the trail earlier in the day, were now.....ahem.....faint.

Trail
And with that we were off - and off trail in an instant! The pack was directed down towards the seafront but all missed the first mark which took them right and to Paignton Bowling Club. "On back" and back they came to the near invisible mark. The trail now took a right and left through Torbay Park, across the Esplanade by the Vue cinema and then left along the seafront towards Preston.

Miss Mash, Smash, Strap-Dancer, Georgy Porgy and Piltdown Man were intent on the Walkers' trail so the Hare attempted to catch up with Longs and the Shorts. At the end of Paignton Green, a check had slowed the pack. Eventually, the Hare caught up with the pack at a second check at the entrance to Parkfield House. The trail now traversed the skateboard park, crossed a public car park until we arrived at the Walkers/Longs & Shorts' split.

The Walkers were directed up Manor Road for a jaunt around the grounds of Oldway Mansion but somehow never actually found their way into Oldway. Meanwhile, the Longs and Shorts cut through Marine Gardens and along Marine Drive to a check outside the the WC's at the junction of Marine Drive and Seaway Road. I think that the pack had got their eye-in with respect to spotting the fading marks as it wasn't long before "On-On" was called from the public footpath that runs along the edge of the railway.

By this point we had lost Bobbiball who was doing the trail by bicycle. His undoing was the sea wall construction works being undertaken along the seafront.

The pack crossed the pedestrian footbridge over the permanent way to another check at the entrance to Hollicombe Park. Beefy checked out the park whilst Warmfront followed some marks from an old Hash trail until she came to a chalk arrow. "On-On" up Hollicombe Lane to Cockington Lane and a check. This check had Beeflicker checking downhill (never do that) towards Ten Acre Brake (Hollicombe Valley). The rest of the pack had correctly embarked on an uphill incline in the opposite direction, alternatively being led by Warmfront, Beefy and Psycho.

The trail remained on Cockinglon Lane, crossing Upper Headland Park Road to a check near Lower Penns Road. It was then up Preston Down Road one way system to the L/S split at the end of Upper Penns Road (be careful how you spell this!). All went Long as, by now, we had lost contact with Ernie and Strap-On who, in turn, had lost contact with the trail and were now enjoying a selection of craft beers at the On-Down.

More road as the marks (now in reasonably conspicuous flour) guided the pack along more road towards Sandringham Gardens. Two checks later we were, eventually, off road and into Occombe Valley via Merryland Close. The Pig and Pisswell formed the rear guard of the Longs - unaware that the Shorts had short-cutted back to the bar.

Initially broad tracks in woodland gave way to narrow tracks in open pasture on Preston Down before arrows had us descending back into woodland. Not far ahead, we could hear the calls of the FRB's. A slightly slippery descent had us emerge from the woods onto Coombe Road. But, by now, the FRB's were neither in sight nor earshot.

Pisswell and the Hare then enjoyed a leisurely canter back to the OD via Barcombe Lane, Oldway Mansion, Mount Ganja, Higher Polsham Road and Victoria Park. The sole check in Victoria Park had not been kicked out...I never did enquire as to whether or not the FRB's had undertaken this part of the trail.

Down-Downs
By the time the Longs arrived at the On-Down, it rather looked as though the Walkers and the Shorts had been there sometime. It was 8.55pm and, as the OD closes at 10pm on a Monday, we pushed on with the DD's.

Pisswell has returned from panto duty and undertook the RA'ing duties. She also had a bag of full of Hash paraphenalia (this was just as well in the absence of any awards being present).
The first DD went to Ernie. This was for not being able to find the OD when he was only 15 feet away from it and the rest of the pack were standing outside. The Hare had got a selection of 3 different beers and a cider for the DD's. Ernie sensibly opted for one of the pale draught beers. "Here's to the short-sighted one".

Next there is a story regarding pronunciations - Cycle, Psycho, Sci-co. The candidates were Warmfront, Psycho and Bobbiball for cycling around parts of the trail. The Hash decibel meter was called into play in order to establish the Hasher most culpable. By a gnat's crotchet, Bobbiball was declared the 'winner'. He opted for the other light draught ale accompanied by the usual ditty.

Are there any stories? Only one it would appear. It transpired that the Topiary Twins had been up to their usual mischief when kicking out checks - especially the chalk one's which were proving quite a challenge to mark in the correct direction. These are recessionary times. Historically, the Twins would pull down a huge bough, usually of road blocking proportions, with which to mark the direction of onward travel. Not so this evening. Three checks were marked with a solitary blade of grass.....Hard Times indeed Mr Dickens.

Pisswell envelops the half pint glass of cider with a dirty sock and invites the demon duo to drink the cider through the sock. Eventually, after a lot of coughs and splutters, Psycho and Warmfront finish their joint DD to the rendition of, "Hold it in your Hand Mrs Murphy".

The final DD is the draught Porter. This goes to the Hare who elects to drink it from the Turd mug!

Finally, we thank pub for having us; for the most part the Hash were the only customers present which was a shame given the great selection of beers.....I don't think that anyone dined out on the pickled eggs!

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Sandygate Inn, Sandygate, Newton Abbot. Our Hare is Beeflicker.

On-On to next week. MP

Epilogue
Some important information was imparted during the DD's. It relates to parking charges. Apparently, on road parking where there are roadside parking meters is free after 6pm. Thank you for that Ernie. We are now so informed.