Run #1765 Monday 22nd October: Teignmouth Rugby Club. Hare Wide Receiver
Was it just a dream? Oh Shirley lightning can't have struck twice in as many Mondays! After last week's 'Gone With the Long' trail at Stoke Gabriel, Part 2 was about to run its course down in the urban jungle of western Teignmouth. There are a few of you out there wondering how I'm going to (get out of this tight spot) relate this tale - well, it isn't going to be easy Eric.
A solitary car (the hare) was parked in the main car park when I arrived, but then the few became many as TVH arrived in some numbers. A more than respectable forty two was the final roll call, including Kermit + bike: 'I just wanted to see what was going on.'
It was tricky seeing who was there in the darkness but I discerned Teignmouth locals Coldtits and Polyfella, the alluring (to a number of male hashers I've heard tell) SM Ellie, Fallen Woman (minus Broken Man?), Ipplepenners Manopause and Roxanne, the Park mob, Rambo & Doris (who had walked down the hill) and the late arriving Only Here for the Beer/Shitfaced chariot, both occupants looking blank faced when asked about the mystery back up incident last week.
Forest advertised his upcoming Firework Night extravaganza and
requested a volunteer to lay the trail, oh where are you Poacher when we
need you? Satnav declared that the Christmas Draw tickets were now
available and then Wide gave his spiel and off we went, with five of us
blissfully unaware what was about to befall us Bertie..
The usual milling about outside the rugby club took place as the hare tried and succeeded in deceiving the pack. A rogue car driver with no lights came bearing down onto hashers trying to cross the road and Wigwam had a word with the oblivious driver and the lights were safely turned on.
The first L/S split was discovered at the bottom of Mill Lane and the longs commenced the steep climb led by local lad Polyfella with Grinder following. The first sign of something not quite right occurred when Grinder appeared running back down the hill. A tempting alternative route was the turn right into Fourth Avenue and a group of FRBs galloped - straight into the trap! With my new found fitness, I wasn't going to let Manpig and Fukarwi get too far in front, so I followed. A hundred yards on and the trail went cold, no dots, no crosses, no back checks. There we were, the five of us, Fukarwi, Manpig, Grinder, Roxanne and of course yours truly.
By the time we had retraced our footsteps back to the check, we found the road bereft of hashers, including the hare. Manpig was promoted leader of our tiny battalion and set about organising the Hunt for Red October*.
A magic moment in that hunt was the discovery of the Man Cave up a blind alley close by. It was a converted garage with open doors and a lit brazier cooking the barbie outside. We paused and gazed longingly at the happy group inside the gaily lit 'cave'. 'They've even got a woman!' cried one of our group, who, I now forget. It was only the Call of Duty that took us away to resume our quest.
Manpig is nothing but meticulous and he ordered a second check of all routes which finally yielded a glimmer of hope to the forlorn five. The route was past Teignmouth Hospital and eventually brought us back onto the main Bishopsteignton highway. Grinder, being fleet of foot, was sent on as scout but it was Manpig again who found the trail up a dark path and then the fun really began.
It was all too easy, a succession of kicked out checks in a straight line for about a quarter of a mile and then - wait for it - a cross. Back we went, carefully re-checking the kicked out checks but with the same result, all had two marks and then nothing. Eventually, we dropped down into Broadmeadow Ind. Estate, past the Sports Centre and back onto the main road. Fukarwi and I had a suspicion that Wide may have taken them over Shaldon Bridge and we congregated there to find Doris about to cross over to Shaldon for a swift one at the London Inn. Shirley she knew something? But alas, no and there our quest came to an inglorious end, dearly beloved and the Lost Boys tape reveals the following desperate quotes: 'I think we've missed something in the woods!' (Fukarwi). 'This is a first, even for us, we never ****ing found it!' (BB). 'How could we have gone so wrong so long?' (BB again).
On checking the map, I discovered that we had never got beyond 500 metres from the bar at any point in our run. Roxanne and Grinder had got into bad company indeed, accompanying the reigning Hash Pillock, a nine times Hash Pillock and a several time Hash runner up Pillock. Bad luck lads.
Back in the rugby club bar, surprise surprise, we found, as anticipated, the entire hash ensconced and swigging the Morland's Bitter 4.0 ABV (at £3 a pint a real hash pleaser) and all relating that they had no trouble finding the trail.
The management had very kindly put on that hash staple of bangers and chips (with 2 squid thrown in the kitty) for us although the U Boat commander would not have been happy with the chips Charles but never mind, all sins were forgiven, courtesy of the Morland's Bitter.
We missed out on the babbling brook, the sweetie stop and farmers and cows and bare breasted beauties (apparently) but we saw the Man Cave didn't we lads!
DDs
Manpig our usual RA politely gave way to Wide for the DDs:
Archangel (Pillock shirt) to Slip on Me for referring to Only Here for the Beer and Shitfaced as 'boys' which apparently they no longer are.
Wigwam (sans Horsey Horseface Hat) to Manpig for missing his DD last week.
Unknown awarder to Piddler for something about his 'girlfriend' on the trail (SM Ellie).
Wide Receiver (given subs. Checkin' Chicken Hat by double awardee Archangel) to Grinder who was colour co-ordinated orange with his oppo Deep Throat.
POSTSCRIPT
Fukarwi's Lost Boys quote of: 'It's been a great laugh though..' sums it up completely. We had a fantastic time at Stoke Gabriel and again tonight. Wide Receiver, as ever, was a true gent and remains my hash hero. Thank you.
*No? well please yourselves then.
ON ON to next week and the Seven Stars at Kennford ( EX6 7TR ) with Piltdown Man & Georgy P.Orgy.
