HURLED HORSE HEAD HAIR HAVOC & FAREWELL TO JACKIE

 

Run #1902 from the Red Rock Brewery, Humber with Well Hopped, Dad, Big End and Shitfaced

 

HARES: Big End, Well Hopped, Dad & Shitfaced

 

Who wuz there: Big End, Well Hopped, Shitfaced, Teapot, Piddler, Pollyfella, Bluebird, Beefy, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Threesum, Piltdown-Man, Georgie-Porgy, Smellie, Broadshit, Strap-On, Coldtits, Wetfart, Man-Pig, Cheerio-Beerio (& Dave the sausage dog), Archangel, Only Here for the Beer, Fallen Woman, Swinger and Ernie (fastest milk cart) from TamarH3.

 

Who wasn't: Ned, Bobbiball - but he did mange to return the horse's head hat!

 

THE CIRCLE

Shitfaced reminded us that subs were due and then moved swiftly onto a proposed distillery tour. Currently scheduled for 26th February at circa £15 a head. This will include whisky and gin tasting. If we get decent numbers, say around 20, then the distillery will put on a barrel of beer for us; maybe an extra £3 a head but this translates to 4 pints of beer each. This is on top of whiskey and gin. What can possibly go wrong?

 

Over to the Hares. The trail had been laid the previous day by Big End and Well Hopped and Well Hopped's dad. Instructions had been provided to Shitfaced regarding laying the Walkers' trail.

The divide and conquer trail laying meant that there were small parts of the trail that may not join up perfectly. This had been compounded by overnight rain which had washed out a number of marks. 

 

"Never fear", Big End and Well Hopped had been out earlier in the evening and put big arrows at all the important junctions. "You will know where you are", were the reassuring last words of the Hare before we embarked upon the relaid trail. Shorts were advertised as about one and a half of your English country miles; Shorts, about four and a half; Longs 6.03 miles (if you did not stray from the marked route....ahem!

 

THE TRAIL

It may have rained overnight, but the day's strong winds had dried out the trail very nicely. Exiting the brewery, it was a right turn and the first check outside Lindridge Park. It wasn't long before the trail was located to our right taking us up through the tiny hamlet of Humber and the first Long/Short split.

The Shorts and the Walkers went right and up the public footpath known as Three Trees Lane. This took them up to Little Haldon and Teignmouth Golf Course. The Longs carried on and took the next public footpath that leads to Luton and rejoins tarmac outside The Elizabethan Inn. Then it was a long climb up to the golf club; the same long climb that we did on Piltdown Man's back in May; one of our first post lockdown trails.

 

Of course, this time it was dark. Very dark. I had not charged up my torch battery and, worse still, I had left my spare battery in the car. There is a saying comprising the five P's - Prior Planning Prevents Pisspoor Performance. Oh how I wish that I'd adhered to this mantra as I had to turn my torch off at every opportunity to save power.

 

Never mind, we were on tarmac and, as we climbed up towards the golf course, I could see torchlight. It was Well-Hopped and Swinger. This bit of road is a long uphill pain in the a**e. However, on the upside, it is fairly straight. It wasn't long before more torchlight appeared in front of me. This was Bluebird and Pollyfella. 

 

I got to within 15 feet of them as we came to the second Long/Short split at the first crossroads. Oblivious to their pursuer, Pollyfella and Bluebird opted for the Short.

 

Man-Pig went straight ahead only to bump into a returning Beefy. No marks. We had overshot the arrow that took us diagonally across part of the golf course and through the golf club car park.

Next, it was a short downhill and a right turn into a small car park and the footpath through the woods to the picnic area where Bobbiball had his birthday drink stop last May. 

 

Without illumination, I was wholly reliant on Beefy for assistance. Progress was slow through the woods and it wasn't long before Swinger, Broadshit and Well Hopped caught us up. Just as well really as, without the Hare, we would all have missed the little loop back into White Well wood before rejoining the Shorts' trail.

 

A 400 yard downhill stretch of road brought us to the public footpath near Higher Radway Farm. This is a steep descent across a field and then a footpath that brings you out and onto Teign View Road in the upper reaches of Bishopsteignton. An arrow to the right took us up towards Clanage Cross. Would we be passing through the cemetery or would we be dropping down onto Forder Lane?

 

A blurred mark to our left looked like it had been scrubbed out but it was a mark nevertheless. Down the paved steps towards Radway Road. More marks, but odd marks. Long arcs of flour. These looked to have been laid from a moving car. We continued our descent through the housing estate losing sight of all marks along the way.

 

At this point, we were oblivious to the fact that we were being chased by a screaming Big End...."On back! On back!". We never heard him. Nor did we see Swinger and Well Hopped again until the pub. Defiantly, and in the face of no marks at all (after all, we weren't on trail), the Pig, Beefy and Broadshit forged their own trail back to the brewery.

 

By the time we reached Colway Cross, we picked up the marks again. This led us behind the half dozen cottages that form Ashwell and then diagonally across a field to exit onto a lane with a large "OH" in flour. Our decision to follow our own imaginary marks probably added another mile to our trail. Oh well, C'est la vie.

 

My thanks to Beefy for being my guiding light for the majority of the trail. Additionally, my apologies for omitting him from the list of last week's recipients of Down-Downs. Mea culpa.

Many thanks MP and now, whether you like it or not:

 

BACK TO THE RED ROCK BABY

It was just a drop down the hill to Shaldon bridge and then a tootle along the Bishopsteignton road before the conundrum of the ascent to the Red Rock Baby ranch house. The aged Bird did not want any chariots pestering from the rear, so when one appeared in the rear view mirror, the Bird took evasive action.

 

Savagely did he slew to the left outside the Cockhaven Manor but the tailing chariot did not pass, merely hesitating until reluctantly it seemed, proceeding onwards.

 

Inside that chariot was Wetfart who muttered: 'It's that Pillock Bluebird!' as he passed. Sigh.

 

Safely gathered into the brewery grounds, the Bird ventured inside the ranch house. Jackie immediately cried: 'Sorry, but I have no veggie pasties tonight!' 'No matter, I have brought a cheese and brown sauce sarnie!' came the triumphant rejoinder. HA! Don't you love it when a plan comes together... No? Well...

 

On The Comeback Trail (2020) but on only ten miles a week, the Bird weighed up his trail options.

(a) Go at a snail's pace and not be mentioned in despatches or 

 

(b) go Blazing Saddles (1974) whistling Dixie for as long as the chassis survived. The question simply was: Did I feel lucky, well did I, punk?

 

Sent into the Humber wilds on a chilly but dry evening, enthusiasm seemed in short supply. The grand exception being an unlikely candidate who, operating at 6:40 pace hit the make your minds up first check at the junction. Barely pausing, the Bird winged it right, oh yes, Dearly Doubtful, a rare thing to see, actually checking it out! On one, on two - ON ON! The Bird was only on!

 

Up the metalled road fled he and glory be, the L/S split veered left, continuing on level tarmac and not up the dreaded hill of woe.

 

There was but one taker, Beefy, who moved easily alongside the thrashing Bird. For a mile and a half they kept company - until Beefy was satisfied that the Bird seemed in no immediate danger of collapse - and then Beefy drifted effortlessly away into the night.

 

The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long and the Bird had burned so very brightly..

Fearfully looking behind, flickering head torches were discerned and the white flag was hoisted.

Pollyfella came across a sorry sight, the Bird sitting on a bank but not quite deceased. Sufficiently recovered, the duo continued on impulse power only (Pollyfella injured) but searching for the exit and the final L/S split.

 

Just short of the split, a clammy hand reached out towards the dread duo. Cloaked in darkness, The Night Visitor (1971 starring Max von Sydow as the mad axe murderer- highly recommended) was at large and had relentlessly closed in on the hapless hashers in front. Just as contact was about to be made, Pollyfella and the Bird sheered off right and the claw was withdrawn - whoa! That was a close one.

 

A clever trail indeed as we emerged back onto the first L/S split and the OH, well laid the hares!

The stern line by MP:

 

The Down-Downs (Bluebird to draft properly....don't forget anybody!)

 

RED ROCK BABY DOWN-DOWNS

Oh how rip-roarious were the DD's and confusion reigned unbridled in the snug and welcoming confines of the ranch house.

 

We thanked the Red Rock Baby for the beer (£2.75 a pint and Wetfart was in hash heaven) and the party got underway.

 

SM Ellie was first up with the Hallowed Homing Horse Head - kindly returned by Bobby but sporting what seemed to be a double hernia (some idiot had ripped the stuffing out both sides!) which caused mayhem with the eaters and drinkers alike.

 

SM Ellie hadn't got any stories and by rights should have worn it herself but chose to hurl the horse hat across the void and select any unfortunate hasher it should alight upon. ARGHHH! A shower of the strange substance cascaded and contaminated as the hat fell into Piddler's pasty. Understandably, Piddler failed to see the humour in the crash landing and refused to participate.

 

He who should not be named, retrieved the head and projected it in the opposite direction with even more disastrous consequences (some said it was a perfect lob).

 

KERPLUNK! The space travelling horse head alighted smack bang onto Archangel's pasty and the horse hat hurler thought it prudent to duck and conceal his identity. Archangel took it quite well and a note for "Tesco's Finest" - a reference to Tesco's ready meals being made from horse meat and downed the half before resuming consuming.

 

Secondly summoned was the hero of last week's caberathlon, one Beefy McCaber and he had a surprise award in hand - a Bat Hat Baby! 

 

Oh Dearly How I've Missed You, how long has my baby languished in some moorland cubbyhole? And there to greet my baby was the Supreme Bat Hat, now fully vindicated from the outrageous slurs heaped upon his kind by a flawed humanity.

 

But what was this? The keeper of the Bat Hats stepped forward, bizarrely attired in jeans and body warmer and babbling (as usual) inanely about some film he was portraying. Only one hasher, Broads, recognized the apparition as being Swan (Michael Beck) from The Warriors (1978). Furious Googling by ThreeSum captured the image to be duly posted to an incredulous membership.

 

A Birthday DD was next on the Mad Hatter's Tea Party list - Pollyfella, come on down - literally as the infamous doggy bowl was produced by a resurgent Teapot. It wasn't pretty and eventually Pollyfella gave best and surrendered the last dregs over his head. Mavis, where are you when we need you!

Two badges were brandished by the Grand Master: A 50 beginner's badge for Strap-On and a Big 500 for Piltdown Man - as correctly called by the Blue.

 

Oh Shirley Sacrilege - both awardees requested water, what is the hash coming to? In the background, the hard working hares supped their reward drink, bravissimo!

 

A special mention for our hostess Jackie who had deferred her retirement for one day in order to serve our TVH party crew. 

 

Thank you Jackie from all at Teign Valley Hash.

 

POSTSCRIPT

A little late for the trail - twenty hours to be precise - Pisswell nevertheless completed the long, plus a little extra, making 7 miles plus. An added bonus was that she was able to enjoy the views! She's a hasher through and through as they sing. Try and be on time next week please, Pisswell!

 

What a great evening and I wasn't in trouble when I got back home, thank goodness.

 

ON ON to next week and the Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell; virgin lay by Cheerio-Beerio

And finally, It's goodbye from me and goodbye from MP ON ON!