REGGIE PERRIN RESCUES A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS

by Man-Pig

Run #1906 Monday 28th February from the Manor Inn at Galmpton

 

HARE: U-bend

Who wuz there: U-Bend, Shitfaced, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Smellie, Only Here for the Beer, Melonpicker, Soapy, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Big End, Well-Hopped, Ned, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Man-Pig, Rambo, Ernie, Fallen Woman, Piddler.

 

Who didn't read Facebook TVH3 page: Teapot, Rambo & Piddler

 

THE CIRCLE

Again, numbers were a little down on the usual attendance - a combination of the weather and half-term. Sure, it was a little wet but drier than it had been earlier in the day. Hence twenty-one Teign Valley stalwarts turned up to enjoy the run from the Churston Court, Churston Ferrers......or was it?

Quite late in the day (Sunday 3 pm), our hobbled Facebook web-page administrator, Bluebird, announced a change of venue. The venue would now be the Manor Inn at Galmpton. Despite the web-page update, the information did not reach three of our seasoned hashers. Teapot, Rambo and Piddler went to the original venue at Churston Court. Fortunately they were early enough to realise their error and make it to the Manor in time for the Circle. Well, that took care of the Down-Downs for the evening.

 

LIGHT BROWN UND CRISPY?

Shitfaced reminded us all to get our voting forms in for the awards night next week. U-bend described the menu followed by the trail. "Sausage and fries, veggie sausage and fries, fries, cheesy fries". So, if you like chips, the Manor is the place to go!

 

GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)

Yes, it had been damp so there might not be any marks left. Any that were left....could be anywhere. If you can't find the marks make your own trail up".

Reassuring words from the Hare. U-Bend went on to advise that the Longs was just under six miles and the Shorts about three.

 

THE TRAIL with FROGS (1972)

We turned right out of the car park and at the first junction a check. The trail took us right and up Slade Lane and onto Galmpton Common. Amazingly, at this this point the trail was being led by Fallen Woman, Smellie and Pisswell. A peculiar shout from Fallen Woman, "Watch out for the Frogs". "Have they surrendered already?" I queried. "NO. Frogs on the road". Sure enough, there were a load of big frogs hopping down Slade Lane.

 

On the common, confusion reigned as the marks had all been washed away. Beefy and Man-Pig led the checking with Beefy eventually finding a mark at the edge of the common. Across Dartmouth Road (A3022) and then across Bascombe Road and onto a steep and slippery footpath leading to Broadsands Road.

 

The marks were pretty clear on the tarmac pavement as we descended down Elberry Lane towards the coast. At the end of the tarmac we lost the marks again until the Hare put us back on trail. We were heading along a wide track before arriving at a footpath that took us onto the beach at Elberry Cove.

After Beefy had effected his rescue of Smellie, the trail took us into the edge of Marridge Woods and the Long/Short split. I think Erection must have been standing on the Long/Short split as he asked, "Which way is the Shorts Man-Pig?". I was just about to commence the Longs. We had a quick look around but could only find the Longs marking. The marks for the Shorts would not be far away.

By the time I set-off in pursuit of the FRB's, they were at least 200 yards in front of me. The FRB's comprised Beefy, Ernie, Big End and Well Hopped...with Ned, of course.

 

SHINE A LIGHT

My new torch proved to be pretty poor and the FRB's continued to pull away, eventually disappearing from view. The marks in the woods were almost non-existent. It was also slippery underfoot with wet roots breaking the surface of the path. I eventually gave up on the new torch and reverted to the old one. Much better, but I knew that it had a shorter duration battery. I couldn't see, or hear, anyone behind me so I thought that I was the last of the Longs. This proved not to be the case as Pisswell, Smellie and Piddler were also on the Long, but a long way back.

 

I WANT TO BREAK FREE (Queen)

In the absence of marks, I stuck to the main path and then encountered a big fork in the path. Which way to go but, voila, a mark. For the next 200 or 300 yards there were quite a number of forks but each one clearly marked with a dot. Eventually the dots ran out. I had missed a turn but I could see the FRB's. They were about 300 yards away at the top of a clearing. They were all shouting to each other so they must have been checking or off trail. I reckoned that if I carried on I would eventually end up quite near to where they were. It wasn't long before they got on trail and disappeared from sight. Soon after, I broke free from the woods at Ball Copse and crossed some barren land before climbing a wide but very slippery track.

 

At the top of the track was a stone wall with a pedestrian exit cut in it and a public footpath sign. Through the hole in the wall and a look at the sign - Churston Ferrers 3/4 miles to my right. That looked promising. Even more promising, a mark at the bottom of the footpath sign. I was back on trail but no sign of the FRB's.

 

ALL BECOMES CLEAR

I hotfooted down this very wide track which ended at its junction with Copythorne Road. An arrow took me right onto Church Road and past Churston Court and a sign that read "Under New Management"...hmmmm. Another arrow and straight on along Links Close and then another arrow that guided us left and onto the public footpath that bisects the golf course. But what was this? A fluttering torch coming towards me. It was Beefy who had decided to backtrack to find Pisswell. "Who's behind you Man-Pig?" "No-one", I answered honestly. Beefy continued his reverse course whilst I could see torches in front of me. These were the balance of the FRB's who had already turned left and were proceeding up the middle section of Elberry Lane. We were now back on the same route as the Shorts. It was only now that I realised just how long Elberry Lane is.

 

Today, parts of Elberry Lane are small lanes, footpaths or farm tracks. However, years ago, this must have been one of the main thoroughfares. Elberry Lane crosses Bascombe Road and continues up to its junction with New Road. Here another arrow directed us north west and onto Dartmouth Road. This was where I caught up with the rest of the FRB's who thought that I was in front of them. Just past Churston Ferrers station and the Railway Inn, two arrows took us across to the western side of Dartmouth Road and for our final descent down Greenway Road and back to the pub.

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

This week the pub kindly donated the beer for the Down-Downs so the first order of service was to thank the pub for the beer.

 

Pisswell had the Hashshit shirt from last week. She regaled a tale of chivalry and selfishness. This involved poor Smellie who got herself lost on the beach and was heading out to sea. On seeing the disaster about to unfold, Piddler merely commented,"R-U?" and continued along the beach and into the Woods. Meanwhile, Beefy, in true Reginald Perrin style, stripped off and dived into the cruel sea to save our damsel in distress.

 

So, to whom should the Hashshit shirt be awarded? The hero of the moment for his selfless bravery and chivalry or the villain of the piece, the selfish Piddler? The decibel meter declared Piddler to be the winner so a note for the "Selfish Git".

 

Piltdown Man hadn't seen anything on trail but, in light of recent events in Ukraine, decided that the baby Bat Hat should be awarded to the Hash's very own Vladamir Putin lookalike. Who could this be? All eyes turned to Wet-Johnny and Erection. Which one was it? Could it be a draw? Was Piltdown working on a different wavelength and going to give the award to the most un-Vlad-like impersonator? Various shouts of "Wet-Johnny" and "Erection" were called but the recipient was Erection....all six foot of him! I think Mad Vlad is 5'5" but looks smaller!

 

Awarded the Horse Head hat by Beefy the previous week, U-Bend stepped up to the oche to award. U-Bend recited a story from the previous week. A senior hasher had approached him in the pub to ask about this week's trail. Would it be long or short, hilly or flat. U-Bend thought that he was being offered the assistance of a co-hare to help lay the trail. No such luck. When U-Bend asked:

"What time do you want to meet up to lay the trail?"

The response was:

"I don't lay trails anymore".

 

Who was the "retired Hare"? None other than Wetfart. Accordingly a note for "The Lazy Git".

 

One half pint of beer still to award. No more stories so, obviously, the last Down-Down of the evening went to the Hare accompanied by a chorus of, "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy...."

 

Well done U-Bend. Laying a trail singled-handed in the rain is an achievement in itself. We all enjoyed the change of venue and the warm welcome from the pub.

 

NEXT WEEK

It is the Awards Night. The venue is The Wild Goose, Combeinteignhead which is not normally open on a Monday night. Our Hare for the evening is Bluebird. Make sure that you get your voting forms in!

 

On-On to next week!