'THE ONLY WAY IS UP' by Man-Pig

TVH3 The Words for 25th April 2022 - Bridford Inn, Teign Valley 

 

Run No. 1914

 

HARES: Forrest Stump & Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Forrest-Stump, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Arkangel, Pollyfella, Only Here for the Beer, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Rambo, Fallen Woman, Coldtits, Piddler, Strap-On, Pisswell, Krystyna (Pisswell's friend), Swinger, Well Hopped, Wood-Lend, Warmfront, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Melon-Picker, Soapy, Slip-on-Me.

 

The Circle

The bright sunny weather, and the promise of one of Forest's excellent trails, combined to result in a full 27 souls making the long journey to Bridford (not Cridford and not Bradford!). Well, not Cridford for 26 out of 27! It further resulted in an above average number of hashers electing to do the Longs. In fact I understand that 14 Hashers undertook the Longs....and well worth it. A testament to the quality of Forest's trails.

 

Forrest's description of the trail was brief to say the least. He dropped a handful of sawdust on the ground and said, "The marks look like this". And, with that, we were off.

 

The Trail

The trail took us back up the village and left past the church. At the rear of the church was the first Long/Short split. The Longs went left and around the newish (4 year old) footpath/boardwalk before looping around the top of the village. At this point the usual suspects were FRB'ing: Wood-Lend, Warmfront, Wet Johnny, Pollyfella, Erection, Manopause - no Beefy this week. Beefy is now covid negative but still a little drained. But where were Pisswell and Krystyna? We assumed that, as she had her friend with her, she might opt for the Shorts or the Walkers. What a foolish thought to entertain?

The Longs came to a check at the entrance to a ploughed field and, sure enough, this proved to be the trail. After only 50 yards of field, it was back into a landscaped part of the village that I've never been to. One part of it is a small, nicely mowed, area. It has an arc of steps and looks a little like a very small Roman amphitheatre.

 

Trying hard to keep up with Wood-Lend, we re-entered the village above the church to rejoin the Shorts' and the Walkers' trails. The first check had been kicked out and we headed down Pound Lane catching up with the last of the Walkers, Arkangel, Fallen Woman and Slip-on-Me. The next check had also been kicked out. It was right and down the footpath that takes you past Pook's Cottages. All very picturesque. On running down the access road to Pook's VCottages, I passed Shitfaced and Only Here for the Beer. "There's a lot of downhill here Man-Pig", was Shitfaced's comment. I looked dead ahead to the enormous wooded hill in front of us. "Not for long", I replied.

 

At the bottom of the access road, we came to the minor road that connects Bridford to Christow. It was straight across and to the Walkers/Long & Short split where Forrest was waiting for us with some new instructions. "If you are not a fit Short, you may want to do the Walkers' trail?".

 

The Walkers and sensible Shorts, went straight up the woodland steps that would eventually take them up past Scatter Rock Quarry. This is about a 150m change in elevation but, believe me, this was by far the easiest option. Forrest had got permission (well, so he says) to run on private land. This had the Longs and the fitter Shorts climbing over a gate marked "Private Property. No Entry" in ready typescript.

 

The trail then took us in a long loop past another disused quarry until we came to a peculiar mark on the ground - a fishhook with the number 8 below it. Dutifully, Manopause, Erection, Swinger and Well-Hopped waited for the co-hare to arrive before setting off again. However, where were Wood-Lend, Warmfront, Polyfella and Wet-Johnny?

 

By this time, Pork Torpedo, Horny and Piddler (sans ski poles) had caught up and we set off on the trail again. Just as we rounded a bend to our right, our hearts sank. What appeared before us was a dead straight clearing in the woods for as far a the eye could see. It was a very steep incline and looked for all the world as though it should have a ski lift running up it it. In fact, if you'd thought this you'd very nearly be right. This is because in 1913 a cable car system was built here by German engineers. This was to transport ore from the quarries all the way down to Christow railway station. It was just as well that the Germans had finished building it in 1913 or they would have spent the next 4 years in an internment camp!

 

Earlier in the day, when laying the trail, I had seen seven deer along this part of the trail. All very rewarding to see nature in their natural habitat.

 

After a 400 yard climb, the trail took us right and across an open field and over a dry stone wall and back into woodland but, then, no trail. This is where the Hares had got disorientated for the best part of an hour earlier in the day.

 

Man-Pig, Pork Torpedo, Horny and Piddler were at the back of the pack, or so we thought. We followed a couple of marks till they ran out and then, trusting to Hare's insider knowledge, continued downhill off-trail. It would only be a matter of time before we rejoined the Walkers' trail. Eventually, back on trail we ran uphill to where Forrest had relaid the dodgy steep descent through the woods. Forrest was dutifully calling to make sure that no-one got lost in this, the most challenging, part of the trail. Forrest confirmed that everyone else had been through and that we were the last. Well, not quite. No-one had seen Pisswell. Had she elected to do the walkers' trail and was now well in front of us or was she at the back of the Long? Only time would tell.

 

Forrest said that he would wait a while and keep calling whilst the four tail-end charlies continued up to the gorse heathland. We passed a field full of llamas who, apparently, spat at Forrest, this was just before joining the lane that links Hennock with Bridford.

 

An arrow had us running up this lane for 400 yards towards Hennock and past a filed full of sheep and gambolling lambs. Just past this field was another Walkers/Long & Shorts split at Middle Hole.

We all elected to carry on past Higher Hole and Heckland to a T-junction. An arrow guided us right, but only for 50 yards to a check. This had been kicked-out straight on towards the Clampitt Plantation and Kennick Reservoir.

 

Just past Clampitt House was the last of the Long/Short splits. It was 8.35pm and just beginning to get dipsey. Pork Torpedo asked how far the Longs was. "About a mile and a half longer than the Shorts but a straightforward run", answered the co-hare. Pork Torpedo and Horny courageously opted for the Long. Excellent. A reticent Piddler was left with the choice of a lonesome run on the Shorts or do the Longs. Pork Torpedo agreed that we should stick together as a group and so the Famous Four sallied forth to engage with the final Long.

 

This took us first straight and then right past the piggery. We were on main paths and heading towards the reservoir. At our nearest point to the reservoir, a kicked-out check had us running up the last hill of the evening. Thank goodness. This took us across the Laployd Plantation heading for the Beacon Plantation; these are all fir tree plantations. Just as the hill levelled off, we came to the penultimate check. It was then right and along a trail that leads to the edge of the plantation above an escarpment with lovely views across the fields. Horny commented, "Not a man-made structure in sight, lovely". She was right.

 

A little further we came to a large rock that had been eroded away at its base. This could provide shelter in the event of a downpour. It also had the letters "PR" written next to it in sawdust. What has Forrest been up to now? Apparently, when Pisswell had first seen this rock many years ago she asked Forest about its name. Forrest didn't know its name so he notionally named it, "Pisswells Rock". Hence the PR.

 

A little further on, we came to the last check - kicked-out of course. Another 300 yards and an arrow directed us left. We had joined up with the Shorts. Unsurprisingly, no Shorts in sight. It was distinctively dipsey now so time for the torches. However, Horney and Piddler had no form of illumination. That wasn't really a problem. Man-Pig and Pork Torpedo had torches and it was a simple 3/4 mile straight path back to the pub. The only issue being tree roots for the first 300 yards. The final leg back to the pub had us rejoin the Walkers' trail just above Lower Hole. We all commented on how lovely the old granite house looked at Lower Hole. At this point the footpath widens to a vehicular track that is tarmac...... in places. At the bottom of the track we crossed Rookery Brook. This is where the Hares had realised that they had far too much sawdust left over. For, in front of us were two "OH" signs. One was huge with a smily face.

 

The last 200 yards took us up a slight incline, past the Old Rectory, and back to the pub. It was 9.15pm and 5.9 miles on the clock. Well done to Piddler, Pork Torpedo and Horny for keeping me company on the Longs. I really had thought that I'd be doing it on my lonesome.

 

And a well done to Forrest. Another excellent trail as many had commented on in the pub. Well up to your usual very high standards.

 

The Down-Downs

Back in the pub Dale (or is that Darren?), the Landlord, had saved some scoff for latecomers. Sausage and chips at £5 a head. It was a tad late so it was pretty much straight into the Down-Downs. Forrest tossed a coin to decide who would be RA for the evening. Forrest won....or should that be lost?

The first award of the evening was lost property. Shitfaced had found a pair of glasses in the pub car park. These proved to be Forrest Stump's. Fortunately, we had the Teign Valley songmeister with us for the evening. Accordingly, Pork Torpedo led the down-downs with:

 

"He doesn't kiss the girls anymore.

He likes them short and hairy.

Whoops he's a fairy"....down, down, down etc.

 

Next up was Forrest himself. This time looking someone deserving of the Baby Bat Hat award. This went to Horny for alleged interminable whingeing about the trail. After a bit of reticence, Pork Torpedo fired up with a very fast ditty. Something about barrels and orrifices.....splendid!

 

Next it was Man-Pig's turn to find a suitable recipient for the substitute Jester's Hat. There then followed an exhaustive investigation into who had been the first of the FRB's to ignore the fishhook. The suspects comprised Wet-Johnny, Warmfront and Pollyfella. What followed was an awful lot of finger pointing which ultimately lead the Pig to award the hat to Wood-Lend. I'm afraid that I have no idea what song the Songmeister came up with but it was short!

 

The final award of the night was the other Jester's Hat. Wet-Johnny's initial candidate had been Piddler for going to the Cridford Inn by mistake - well, at least it wasn't Bradford! There followed a story about using Google Maps to find the quickest route to Bridford from Ipplepen. Having opted for the fastest route it wasn't long before they found themselves crawling along the Teign Valley at a snail's pace. This would be Warmfront on her bicycle holding everyone up. Once the road straightened no cyclist could be seen. However, the lead car was strangely familiar; a dark blue Mercedes SLK. This proved to be Coldtits doing her best to save the planet be seeing if she could eke out 40+mpg on the way to the pub. Coldtits was driving....obviously....so elected to have water as a down-down. Again, I cannot remember the down-down song. Suffice it to say that the songmeister did us proud by treating us to a different song for every down-down.

 

Coldtits choice of water left a final half pint looking for an empty mouth. Forrest put it to the floor to vote on. "Who should have the final half? The Hare or the Co-hare?" The Co-hare was nominated and dispatched the half in pretty swift order. Again, a different song from the songmeister.

 

This almost concluded the evening. Apart form another case of lost property. Pisswell and her friend, Krystyna, were still out on trail and Forrest was beginning to look worried. It was 10 o'clock and people were leaving the pub. The pub was also scheduled to close at 10.30. However, never fear. No hasher ever misses last orders. Sure enough, Pisswell and Krystyna appeared at ten past ten....plenty of time to get last orders.

 

Thankyou to all who made the effort to come all the way out to Bridford, especially Fallen Woman on the night before a 2 month extravaganza in the camper van. That's dedication for you.

 

Next week

Station Cafe, South Brent with Hare Man-Pig. Parking is just up the road at the old railway station car park. The cafe was formerly the Oak Pub. It has a good selection of bottled beers and usually does not do draught ale. However, the landlord (ex-hasher) is putting on a pin (36 pints) of Legend or Jail Ale especially for the hash. A hash menu is available with a choice of vegetable chilli with tacos or mild chicken curry and papadums for £6.

 

On-On to next week.