by Man-Pig
HARE: Piddler
Who
wuz there: Piddler, Going Down, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Arkangel, Only Here
for the Beer, Piltdown Man, Smellie, Broadshit, Melonpicker, Soapy,
Wash 'n' Go, Aloe Vera, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Rambo, Fallen
Woman, Coldtits, Tamsin (needs a name), U-Bend, Wet-Johnny, Erection,
Manopause, Strap-On, Mrs Strap-On (now Strap-Dancer), Bobbiball,
Screwed, Bella, Rise 'n' Shine, Mateus Rose, Teararse.
The Circle
In
the absence of our GM, U-Bend was notionally earmarked as stand-in RA
for the evening. Piddler's main concern seemed to be filling out a
questionnaire regarding who wanted a hot buffet and Pisswell was now
taking money.....still not sure what she was taking money for but she
had gathered £4 by the end of the evening.
U-Bend
welcomed everyone into the circle.....well, not quite everyone as
Tamsin snuck into the last available car parking space just as the
circle finished and Coldtits had yet to arrive. This was a bit of a
shame as the Hares instructions were.....errrrrrrm......baffling. "For
those people on the Longs, ignore the Longs' arrows!". Piddler then
went on to befuddle the easily befuddled even more. "There are three
loops. Each loop finishes back here at the pub. Make sure you return to
the pub and I shall direct you onto the next loop".
The Trail
Well, the instructions sounded simple enough. However they were predicated on two assumptions:
1) that hashers would all make it back to the pub - not necessarily a given
2) that Piddler would, indeed, be back at the pub to offer his divine guidance.....hmmmmmmm
The
Longs and the Shorts exited the pub car park via the pedestrian gate
to the left of the entrance drive. We then wound our way onto Slade
Lane in the centre of Abbotskerswell and the first Long/Short
split/loop and confusion. There were marks on both sides of the road.
Neither were dots. On one side of the road were lines of flour about a
foot long. On the other side of the road there were similar lines but
these were all accompanied by a flour "L". We assumed that the latter
must be the return leg of the loop.
The
Longs trail (if that was what we were on?) led us northwest along
Slade Lane before bearing right and up Ford Road. Beefy was the FRB as
the trail then went straight across Manor Road and followed the
footpath uphill and across an open field. Well, this is not entirely
accurate.
Up
until 3 years ago, the footpath did run through an open field that was
used for village fetes and children's games. For all practical purposes
it was used as the village green. Now the footpath is fenced in on
both sides. I don't know why it had been fenced in but it was a shame
to pass the 3 large oak trees, now inaccessible, in the middle of the
field. For many years I have run past these oaks and at least one of
them has always had a swing or a rope hanging off its boughs for the
children to play on........now nothing.
On
Stoneman's Hill our first check. Beefy went left whilst Man-Pig
checked right. Both were back checks. The only alternative was a dogleg
and onto the public footpath that would take us down to Decoy Woods.
This was going to be a long loop.
Wet-Johnny
led the pack down into the edge of Decoy Brake and another check.
Man-Pig went left only to find a false trail. Wet-Johnny had gone
straight ahead into the woods and was now calling "On-On" just as the
rest of the FRB's caught up. These comprised Broadshit and the
remaining Penners - Erection and Manopause. Other regular Longs were
not in sight. Smellie has a foot injury, Tamsin might still be
recovering from Covid and Arkangel was on-trail but conducting it at a
more leisurely pace.
I
was now at the back of the Longs, but not for Long as the FRB's had
overrun a junction and stumbled across another back check. I guessed
that Wet-Johnny was in front of me but I never did see him again till
the pub.
The
trail skirted the south western edge of Decoy Woods. Upon exiting the
woods onto a cart track we came to a check. Man-Pig was already
checking out the public footpath that runs southwest along a hedgebank.
Sure enough, at the end of the first field we came to the third mark,
"On-On". We crossed the corner of the second field before entering the
field with the deserted barn slap, bang in the centre of it. The last
time we ran through this field it was planted with maize 6 feet tall.
The
footpath rejoined tarmac on Priory Road. Behind me I could see
Broadshit, Beefy and the Penners. No sign of Wet-Johnny though. Was he
in front or behind?
Arriving
back at Court Farm car park, I caught up with Screwed, Bella and
Piltdown Man. They said that they'd been a little off trail and were
doing their own thing. In the absence of any sign of Piddler in the pub
car park I embarked on the second loop.
This
took us into the churchyard and immediately right and along the
footpath, crossing Corn Park Road before turning left onto Court Grange
Road. The trail took us onto the homemade cycle cross track that runs
parallel with the road for 200 yards. Back on tarmac and yet another
back check (Piddler really likes these!). A track marked as a public
footpath took us due south and almost to Whiddon Road and.....you
guessed it.....another back check! Back down the flooded footpath that
we've hashed along many times in the past.
At
the end of the perpetually flooded section of track, we turned right
and through a galvanised steel pedestrian gate. This had us traversing
the two fields that took us back to the pub on Wilton Way. This time
Piddler was present!
Q. "Where have you been Man-Pig?"
A. "Decoy Woods and then the second loop through the graveyard"
"You fool. You've done the third loop second"
"Well. You weren't in the car park to give directions!"
With
that, Piddler imparted the divine wisdom that had me on the
third/second loop down Grange Road before joining Wilton Way and
bearing right past the Butchers Arms. I wonder if it will ever reopen
as a pub? The out and return legs took us up a track that then narrowed
into a footpath. It was just getting dark and two torches were coming
towards me. It was Smellie and Anne on the Walkers trail. A quick
"Hello" and "Goodbye" and it wasn't long before I was in a field and
catching up with Arkangel just below the power pylons. We were having a
quiet conversation about Exeter Chiefs' win over Munster when the
peace was shattered by the Pillock with the small horn. Bluebird was
wandering around parts of the trail blowing his horn. Exiting the
field, we came to the final check which had been kicked out to the
right to the final (or should that be second?) return leg.
The
idea of setting a trail in the shape of a clover leaf is inspired.
However, it will always need co-ordination at its centre. It almost
worked. The publicised distance of 5 miles wasn't far off. My elderly,
and occasionally dodgy, Garmin recorded 5.43 miles; probably not far
off the mark.
Well done Piddler. You nearly pulled it off. Now, where is Coldtits?
The Down-Downs
Hashshit shirt absent as it is with Shitfaced.
Jester's hat from Manopause to Wet-Johnny for not shouting "On-On".....He's the meanest. He sucks etc.
Wet-Johnny gives baby bat hat to Beefy for wearing dodgy leather gloves on trail. A note for the rapist.
Piddler a very slow down-down for setting the trail.
Anne gets named Strap-Dancing.
Next week
Passage House Inn, Kingsteignton with Screwed as hare - no doubt assisted by Bella.
On-On to next week.
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