A SPANISH INQUISITION AND OAP WALKABOUT (1971)

TVH3 The Words for 9th May 2022 - Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell - Run No. 1916

 

HARES: Shitfaced & Bluebird

 

A tiny figure could be discerned walking along the roadside verge of the South Devon Expressway. Zooming in from a motorway camera, more detail emerged. It was an elderly gentleman, smartly, if not rather bizarrely attired in white flannel trousers with a red windcheater and white baseball cap. He was carrying a shopping bag and was limping. To be continued..

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Archangel, Beefy, Ernie, Rambo, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Pollyfella, Pork Torpedo, Hornie, Melonpicker, Soapy, Strap-On, Strap dancer, Manopause, Wet-Johnny, Broadshit, Bobbiball, Zoot, Hotlips, Slip on Me, Able Semen.

 

The Circle

The Circle started with an inquisition! On arriving at the Circle, Man-Pig was under instant interrogation by Shitfaced:

"Where were you Man-Pig? I messaged you this morning at 7.10. The Hares are Shitfaced and FRIENDS.."

 

A bewildered Man-Pig reached for his pocket. Pulled out his phone and went to the Facebook Messenger app - no messages from Shitfaced.

Nevertheless, in the face of technological calamity, Bluebird was contacted successfully to do the needful.

 

Announcements - just the one as Bluebird unsuccessfully launched an appeal for Shantymen for an upcoming music festival from the Two Mile Oak - complete with a quick 'Haul Away' demonstration which probably convinced the suspicious little huddle not to get involved.

 

Over to Shitfaced, who merely advised that the Walkers was half the length of the Shorts and that the Longs was......err....longer. Additionally, a show of hands for food in the pub afterwards. About ten hashers raised their hands for chicken casserole and bread.

 

The Trail

The trail headed up Fluder Hill to the first junction where the Walkers and the Shorts bore right and down Southey Lane. The Walkers had a leisurely route down Southey Lane and turned right, straight across the A380 and then a jaunt around the playing fields before returning to the pub via Fore Street.

The Shorts, meanwhile, turned left up the A380 heading towards Torquay. This took them on the footbridge over the railway and top the concrete footpath onto Eginswell Lane. The trail then headed back to Kingskerswell viaWhilborough Road and Huxnor Road. Just before Huxnor Road changes name to Yon Street, an arrow had us turning left and down the new service road parallel to the Kingskerswell bypass.

 

At the end of the service road, we arrived at the second, and last, Long/Short split. The Shorts climbed the steep embankment up to the quarry car park and then turned right onto Maddacombe Road followed by another right and almost immediately left down Church End Road. A right onto the lower end of Yon street and finally left onto Rose Hill to rejoin the Walkers.

 

Meanwhile, the Longs continued their interminable climb up Fluder Hill. Just as the ascent levels off, we came to the first check. Wet-Johnny carried straight on, Beefy went left and Pollyfella checked right. Eventually an "On-On". it was Pollyfella. The trail took us right and down Kingskerswell Road to Riviera Way. 

 

An arrow directed us right and along the A380 towards Kingskerswell. Soon we were rejoining the Shorts at the footbridge over the railway line near the petrol station. At this stage, the pack comprised Pollyfella, Man-Pig, Wet-Johnny, Beefy, Ernie, Broadshit and Manopause. Along Eginswell Lane we caught up and overtook Rambo, Coldtits and Smellie. Then there was a long gap before we encountered Zoot, Hotlips, Horny, and Pork Torpedo.

 

There was a check at the junction of Whilborough Road and Edginswell Lane. Pollyfella checked left up Whilborough Lane whilst the Pg carried straight on. Only one dot but the Pig persevered and eventually got back on trail at the bottom of Huxnor Lane. At the second Long/Short split, the Longs turned away from Kingskerswell as the trail took us up Doctor Mac's Lane. 

 

Just before reaching North Whilborough, an arrow had us yomping up Common Lane and across Whilborough Common and Kerswell Downs. The dry weather had left this part of the trail stoney and uneven underfoot i.e. not very quick. The trail exited at the old Quarry next to Foredown Kennels where we rejoined the Shorts. For the second time on trail, we passed Rambo and Coldtits. Thence on to the On-Down and a pint of Naked lady!

 

'HIS HARE-RAISING TALE' (1951 Warner Bros. Looney Tunes short)

Loitering like a racecourse tout, the on-trail hare (Shitfaced had wisely adjourned immediately to the bar) was on the lookout for hashers wanting a 'short-cut'. Melon Picker politely demurred, as did Coldtits and S M Ellie before two likely lasses approached.

 

'Short-cut through to Kerswell Downs ladies?' enquired the tout. Able and Slip on Me hesitated but were hooked on the dubious enterprise. 'Are you sure we can get through?' asked Able, peering suspiciously down the embankment which seemed heavily overgrown. 'Of course! I've been through before with no problems and look, there are some other walkers down there!' replied the shady tout.

Their fate now sealed, the trio plus Muttley set off on the jolly jaunt. Whatamistakatomaka!

 

All went well for all of a hundred yards when the safari came upon the walkers sitting beside a stream that barred the way. The drop and span of the obstacle indicated impending disaster for those foolhardy enough to attempt the crossing and The Adventurers (1970) wisely hoisted the white flag and retreated to whence they had previously come. 

 

However, Henry Morton Stanley - in search of the lost short-cut - was made of sterner stuff and vowed to continue - come what may .... Sigh. 

 

The vegetation became ever denser and more exotic and a machete was Shirley needed now. Treacherous was the wetlands and desperate was the Flightless One. Further progress was now impossible and the Bird looked for the exit from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). 

 

Carefully scaling the barbed wire fence adjacent to the carriageway and clambering over the metal crash rail, the Birdbrain triumphantly screeched to the gods on high: 'Salvation! I'm free at last!'

But there was a problem, a serious problem. Clearly, pedestrians should not be making their way along the verge. Warning lights from oncoming vehicles flashed and the ag-ed pensioner, still clutching his shopping bag, fled for the flyover bridge in the distance. 

 

An hour later, with hardly two miles on the Garmin, a dishevelled and badly shaken figure rejoined the trail just by Man-Pig's abode.

 

The apparition frantically waved at S M Ellie and Coldtits for assistance but was merely waved back at by the two shorts who thought nothing of the Bird's bizarre antics.

 

Wet Johnny and Pollyfella swept past, closely pursued by Beefy, but the Bird was too shattered to speak and grimly made his way to the bar for a much-needed encounter with a Naked Lady.

 

The Down-Downs

Once the scoff had been devoured, it was time for the Down-Downs - Justice Pig presiding.

First up was Smellie who had inadvertently taken the Hashshit shirt home with her three weeks previously. Although the shirt had been officially awarded to U-Bend, some cunning devil had sneaked it into Smellies's bag - unbeknown to Smellie. The Clouseau-like inquisition no.2 commenced with first U-Bend being named as a person of interest. This then progressed onto another suspect whose identity eludes me. 

 

Finally, the spotlight fell on Coldtits. Not for the first time, an investigation has been pursued by the victim on behalf of the guilty and resulting in the prosecution of the innocent. The guilty party is still out there planning his(or her) next diabolic deed.

 

Nonetheless, Coldtits came forward to despatch her half a pint of water to a song that I've never heard before delivered by our very own Songmeister, Pork Torpedo.

 

Coldtits duly delivered the Horned Hat to Able Semen for soliciting business en-route with co-solicitor Slip-on-Me. Before departing, Ernie had mentioned they had also been seen short-cutting - if only the hash had known what really happened out there.

 

Pork Torpedo revealed that it was Soapy and Melonpicker's 7th wedding anniversary this very day and they both had a DD to celebrate.

 

The Curse of Chucky (2013) and the badges continued as a 50th run badge was awarded to Strap-On but was immediately rescinded as he had taken possession six months ago - must be a 75th run badge then!

 

Finally, 200th run badges were correctly given out to both Zoot and Hotlips.

 

We thanked the pub for the beer and casserole and the night was done, except that the hares seemed to have been overlooked - or had I had too many Naked Ladies, Grand Master?

 

POSTSCRIPT

A Night to Remember (1958) indeedy. First came The Search (1948) for Man-Pig before trail laying and then yet another calamitous adventure in the Badlands (1973) below the South Devon Expressway. For a few moments there, I thought I was in trouble.

 

Someone told me in the pub (MP?) that the farmer who owned the marshy strip had invested in trees and other plants, probably to prevent A Passage to India (1984) and Kerswell Downs. I am still haunted by my anguished cries on the video I took en routey..

 

If I had been apprehended, I had carefully rehearsed my 'addled little old man' routine - which is getting more realistic as time goes on... sigh.

 

A relief to get out and see everyone, including Bobby who dropped by for his Naked Lady as well.

Time to say goodbye from Man-Pig and goodbye from me until the next time.

 

Next week

Chudleigh car park with Hares Melonpicker and Soapy. the On-Down is the Bishop Lacy which Robin and Wendy are opening especially for us. Bravo.

 

On-On to next week.