TVH3 The Words for 13th June 2022
The Ness Car Park, Shaldon - Run No. 1921
HARES: Swinger and Well Hopped
Who
wuz there: Swinger, Well Hopped, Shitfaced, Bluebird, Man-Pig,
Forrest-Stump, Arkangel, Smellie, Manopause, Wet-Johnny, Erection,
Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Rambo, Broadshit, Polyfella, Ernie, Teapot,
Bobbiball, Kermit, Well Hopped's dad, Ned, 3 virgins (James, Paul +1 who
are all related to the hares), Karl, Always Desperate, a lot of Morris
Dancers!
THE CIRCLE
We
circled up in a near-empty Ness car park. Despite the acres of space,
Bobbiball still found it impossible to park die Panzerkampfwagon in a
single parking bay. Subsequently, he found it equally impossible to
complete the Walkers' Trail making him an official SCB. That aside,
Shitaced welcomed all to the hash. Smellie, fresh from scribing last
week's Words, now took on the mantle of recording attendees in
Piltdown's absence.
The
only announcements comprised next week's run. This will be another
Pisswell extravaganza. From memory, I think we will be parking up
adjacent to Sousson's Plantation which is quite near Grimspound -
expect virgin territory. The exact details will be on the Facebook
page.
Next
Shitfaced welcomed three virgins to the hash and Teapot duly anointed
them with flour. The first virgin got somewhat confused with the names
of who had made her come. Was it Julia or Holly?.....not names
recognised by the hash. The subsequent two virgins, James and Paul I
think, learned quickly - "It was Well Hopped that made us
cum"......that's better.
Swinger
gave a brief description of the trail. Longs about 5 1/2; Shorts 4;
Walkers, maybe 2 1/2. Forrest then wanted to know about Long/Short
splits but Swinger was having none of it, "You'll have to find out for
yourself".
THE TRAIL
The
Shorts headed straight up the long steep hill that runs at the edge of
Shaldon Golf Club. The Walkers were instructed to stay put -
temporarily. The longs were directed, perplexingly, downhill past the
Ness Hotel. The trail then looped up and around the top of the Ness
before dropping down to rejoin the Shorts back near the car park.
Just
before arriving at the golf course, we came to the first Long/Short
split. Wet-Johnny was checking straight on and up towards the Torquay to
Teignmouth Road whilst Pollyfella checked out the edge of the golf
course. Bluebird, in Beefy's absence, had assumed the role of Hash
Flash. "On-On" was the call from Pollyfella.
Once
past the golf course, we came to the first split. But, if my memory
serves me correctly, not the normal split. This was a Longs'/Walkers'
split. Were the Walker's really doing the Long or is this amnesia?
A
few yards of leafy path and - dismay. For there, in front of us, was a
steep uphill expanse. Pollyfella was already 200 yards ahead and going
strong. Bluebird was on camera duty just in front of me and Wet Johnny
not far behind. I attempted to run but at the halfway point I gave up.
Bluebird was keeping up with me by walking! At the summit, we looked
back. The Penners were not far behind, Manopause and Erection. Just in
arrears of them were Ernie and Broadshit and I think Swinger may have
been sweeping with returnee Karl.
Out
onto the A379 for a short while before dropping back onto the South
West Coast Path heading southwest towards Labrador Cove. The marks then
took us back onto the A379 where we crossed the road and ascended up to
a check near the beacon. This had already been kicked out by Pollyfella
who was now out of sight somewhere down Butterfly Lane (a corruption of Better Flee (the gibbet) Lane according to local historian, Bluebird). This is a track and we were now off-road.
Pollyfella
checked left at the junction with Millen Lane and was not seen again
until the pub. Wet-Johnny checked ahead, continuing along Butterfly
Lane. We're "On" we called back to Pollyfella and received the expected
response of, "On-On"........even if you weren't.
At
the end of Butterfly Lane, an arrow took us left towards
Stokeinteignhead and then, very soon, a check at the top of Dagra Lane.
Man-Pig kicked it out even before Wet-Johnny called it "On".
After
400 yards, we arrived at another check at Pegwell Lane. The Pig checked
down Pegwell Lane but it was not long before Wet-Johnny was heard
calling "On" as he descended down Dagra Lane and onto Coombe Road.
An
arrow guided us right towards Shaldon but then we arrived at a check at
the junction with Higher Ringmore Road......not kicked out but
Wet-Johnny was running back to do the necessary just as the Pig arrived.
Once kicked out, it was into Ringmore and virgin territory for me.
Eventually,
an arrow and we were on a short track called Waterworks Lane. This
rejoins tarmac at the junction with Lambert's Lane which then drops
down to Coombe Road, but not before changing its name to Pepper Lane and
then Salt Lane as we descended.
Wet
Johnny was now out of sight. Despite excellent marks, the Pig took an
unscheduled detour and had to retrace his steps - or should that be
trotters?
The
trail now followed the banks of the Teign. At the southern end of
Shaldon Bridge it was straight across and down Riverside passing the
back of the London Inn (this was originally planned as the On-Down but
was even further from the Ness car park). Onto Marine Parade where I
passed Teapot who, amazingly, had managed to park almost outside the
Ferryboat Inn.
Next, we passed the Black Bess Morris Dancers where Kermit was enjoying a pint and not having set foot on trail!
Finally,
the last trek 400 yards uphill to the Ness car park. A very relaxed
Wet-Johhny was waiting for me. He certainly didn't look like he'd just
done 5.15 miles!
What
a fantastic trail. Especially so when considering that it was
Swinger's virgin lay and probably only Well Hopped's third or fourth
trail. A job well done. Congratulations....you can lay again!
ADDITIONAL USELESS INFORMATION & TRIVIA
The Birdman of Maidencombe (2022) was finally tempted out of his nest by the very proximity of the trail and On Down.
Waiting
at the top of his road, the Bird heard a low rumbling sound just
before Der rottenführer's Panzer burst into view, accompanied by a
billowing black cloud of diesel fumes - The Eagle Has Landed (1976), Rock on Tommy! [Shirley sic Bobby Ball] ..
With the Bird terminally injured - It's Tough to Be a Bird
(1969) - and Bobby riddled with an assortment of ailments, it was
nothing short of a triumph for the desperate duo to make the Ness
chariot tether. A useless right shoulder (shell fragments from
Normandy) forced Bobby to slew the Panzer sideways into the parking bay -
ignoring the torrent of abuse being hurled at him by the Grand Master
and Forrest Stump, both fearful of being run down.
But Never Mind the Buzzcocks, adventure Shirley awaited on Swinger's virgin lay - but only if the fragile fuselage would hold up..
'I'll know after fifty yards if it's a goer Bobby, if not I'll Be Back.' (The Terminator 1984 you fools)
The
inevitable climb south from the Ness House commenced with Sherpa
Pollyfella spearheading the FRB's. A suspicious little huddle of walkers
was encountered dithering just below the Pitch and Putt course. 'It has
to be this way,' squawked the feathered one, though for some
bewildering reason, Wet Johnny veered off to checkerido.. sigh.
Pollyfella
knew it and the Bird knew it, the Himalayan slopes beckoned. Looming
into view was the awesome and intimidating climb to the Labrador bends,
high above in the clouds on the A379 corniche.
Sherpa
Pollyfella was a hundred yards to the good in front, but on that
gradient it was as good as a quarter of a mile. The Bird tipped his
baseball hat in homage to the mountain goat who actually maintained a
running gait to the top... Whoa!
The
pain and suffering on the pack were pitiful to see - BroadS, fresh from
his Buckland Bounder 6 miler on Saturday, led the Penners Manopause and
Erection, both palpably unsuited to mountain climbing. Binoculars were
needed to identify the rest of the pack just embarking on the alarming
ascent.
Usual running buddy Man-Pig stole a march whilst I filmed the spectacular Eiger Sanction (1975) and that effectively was that.
Down
Better Flee lane fled the Bird in vain pursuit. The last L/S split
appeared at the bottom of the rutted country lane and old habits Die Hard (1988) as I turned onto the long briefly before sadly reining back onto the short.
Passing
the Ferry Boat Inn at exactly 4 miles, the dashboard was awash with red
warning lights. The sight of hashers reclining outside the pub made the
last climb to the car park even harder.
I came, I saw and, most importantly, I got round! Thank you Swinger and Well Hopped!
THE DOWN-DOWNS
A spin of the coin decided the RA - Man-Pig.
Man-Pig
was still recovering from having paid a staggering £5.40 (how much?)
for a pint of Beavertown Neckoil (tasted like lemonade!) when Teapot
arrived with excellent news. The pub had more than excelled by donating a full 4 pints of Tribute for the Down-Downs. Thank you Ferryboat Inn.....most generous and very gratefully received.
1st Down-Down:
Smellie was going to award the horned hat to Shitfaced for being the
Pied Piper of Hamlyn leading eight SCB's but Shitfaced had already gone
to pick up his son.
Always
have a Plan B so Smellie selected dear old dad (Well Hopped) instead - a
note for the inconsiderate father (which self-respecting Dad would let
their daughter work in a brewery?)
2nd Down-Down:
Teapot gave the Hash shirt to pink teeshirt attired Kermit for
decamping immediately to the pub but making the error of trying to hide
from onlookers - a note for the Pink Panther, please.
3rd Down-Down:
No more physical awards to hand out. Nevertheless, Bobbiball got a
Down-Down for pathetic parking - a note for Reginald Molehusband that
transcended into the usual, "Bobbiball, Bobbiball, Bobbiball etc...."
Never mind, as a result of being the driver, BB was topped up by Bobby's
pint.
A BEER TOO FAR (2022)
Still far too much beer to give away. Were there any more stories? A civilian piped up, "I am Almost Desperate*.
I used to run with you years ago. I never completed a run and have the
badge to prove it". 'Come forth for a DD', implored Forrest but he made
a beeline for the bar.
Bobbiball
was put in the frame yet again and nominated for failing to complete
the Walkers' trail but escaped a double down-down.
Arkangel
came to the aid of the party by dobbing Forrest in it for directing him
to the toilets. Forrest called his own down-down with: 'Here's one for
the urinals!' B'BOOM!
Finally,
the hares had their well-earned drink to the chorus of 'Hold it in your
hand, Mrs. Murphy' though Well Hopped almost collapsed with a laughing
fit en route!
All leftover beer was kindly distributed by Forrest.
Thank
the pub for the beer! Despite a fantastic 4 pints of Tribute
contributed by the pub, the absent-minded RA forgot to thank the pub!
I did, however, on several visits to refuel, thank Matt the landlord and Matt the barman for their hospitality.
* Actually Shaldon and Stokeinteignhead councillor Chris Clarance which might explain his reluctance to take a public Down-down.
NEXT WEEK
Sousson's
Plantation near Grimspound, Dartmoor (not too far from the Warren
House Inn). Exact details to be posted on our Facebook page.
Now it's Time to go home, time to go home, Man-Pig and BB are waving goodbye, goodbye..
On-On to next week!
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