DECOYED AT DECOY

 

The Keyberry, Newton Abbot

 

Monday 30th January

 

Run No. 1954

 

HARES: Threesum & Slip-On-Me

 

Who wuz there: Coldtits, Threesum, Slip-on-Me, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Hotlips, Zoot, Cheerio Beerio, Piddler, Fukarewe, Piltdown Man, Georgie Porgy, Smellie, Wet-Johnny, Manopause, Ernie, Tamsin/Miss Inn', Strap-On, Broadshit, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Ablesemen, Satnav, Rise'n' Shine, Mateus Rose (or was it Teararse?), Gaga-4-it, Triple Jump & Bee Flicker - a visitor from South hams Hash.

 

THE CIRCLE

I was running a tad late so missed the early part of the Circle. The first thing that struck me was the number of Harriets in attendance. Was this to be a girl power Hash? Threesome said something about a trail of three parks and if it wasn't long enough you could go round again - BUT, be back by 8.30 for food! There were also voting forms available in the pub afterwards for the Awards Night.

 

THE TRAIL

No UFO's this week but plenty of confusion. We crossed the road from the Keyberry and headed towards Sainsbury's. At the roundabout at the junction of Decoy Road, Kingskerswell Road and St Michael's Road, an arrow had the Longs and the Shorts going across and up Decoy Road.....or did it? A very fast visitor from South hams Hash, Bee Flicker (there's something very dodgy about that name), led the FRB's up Decoy Road. But this was only for a short while as the Hare was calling "On back". How so? We were clearly on trail. Apparently not. The arrow for the Longs and the Shorts was only relevant once we'd been around Decoy Park first! So we looked elsewhere for checks. Eventually, someone found a check that took us behind a row of terraced houses and into Decoy Park.

 

Once in the park, an un-named SCB speculated that the trail would skirt the edge of the playing fields and we'd all end up back at the starting point. BONG! WONG. The trail went into the woods and followed the path that almost circumnavigates Decoy Lake. The misguided SCB spent the next five minutes getting back on trail and catching up with Piltdown Man, Smellie, Cheerio Beerio, Manopause and Big End who had to stop to undertake doggy poo duty.

 

The trail eventually exited onto the edge of the football pitch only to dive back into the woods 50 yards later. Or so we thought. No marks so back out again only to re-enter the woods 100 yards further along.

 

I think marks were found but, suffice it to say, we all ended up on the broad track that forms the southern boundary to Decoy Park. At its junction with Kingskerswell Road, we expected to see marks directing us back towards the pub so that we could start phase 2 of the trail. I stayed on the road and found no marks until I, again, came to the Long and Short arrow at the roundabout. Most of the other hashers were on a parallel course but behind the terrace of houses forming the eastern boundary of Decoy Park.

 

Eventually, we all regathered at the roundabout to commence phase 2 of a Three Park Trilogy. Once again Bee Flicker (it sounds more dodgy every time I type it) led the pack along Decoy Road and then right and up Keyberry Park road. At this juncture, Wet-Johnny was also an FRB with Big End, Well Hopped and Broadshit in hot pursuit.

 

An arrow had us turning left and down Station Road for a short distance before another arrow appeared to direct us into the southeast corner of Forde Park. At the edge of the park there was a blob of flour so we continued diagonally across the park but nothing. A scout around the Coach Road edge of Forde park again found nothing, and a lot of hashers were spread out all across Forde Park.

 

At the far side of the park, we bumped into Rise'n'Shine and Mateus Rose. They were just telling us about marks they'd seen at the bottom of Coach Road when there was a call of "On-On". This was Wet-Johnny callingl from the the southwest corner of Forde Park. At the junction of Coach Road and Church Road was an arrow pointing towards the top of Decoy Road and then what appeared to be the "OH" sign. "On Home" already. Surely not. Once again Hashers spread out in all directions in a fruitless quest for the truth. It was also the last time that we saw Wet-Johnny. Is he still out there on trail?

 

The Pig wandered aimlessly down Decoy Road towards the On-Down looking for the small footpath that would take us back into Decoy Park. On his way down, he bumped into the Hare, Satnav and Ablesemen.

 

"Have you done all three parks already?" enquired Threesum.

"Three? No."

 

Two wine gums later, the others caught up and were as confused as I was. Threesum got out her phone and showed us where we should have gone. None of us had gone anywhere near the railway station so we elected to go round again.

 

For Man-Pig, Broadshit, Ernie, Big End and Well Hopped it must have seemed like Groundhog day. Once again we failed to find any marks in Forde Park until we were almost at the junction between the bottom of Coach Road and the A381. An arrow pointed straight across and along the eastern side of the island that makes up the one way system. We concluded that the marks in Forde Park must have been on the grass along the eastern edge of the park - not on either the paths within the park or on the pavement down Station Road. Anyway, we were on trail, albeit on the Courtenay Park side of Station Road. As we veered left we could clearly see marks on the other side of the road. About 50 yards before the pedestrian crossing, outside the front of the station, we could see a large arrow pointing directly towards us.

 

Try as we might, we could not find any marks on our side of the road nor on any of the footpaths within Courtenay Park. We therefore decided to continue to the Queens Hotel and turn left up Courtenay Park road. Impossible. Still no marks. Then hey presto! An arrow pointing up Church Road. But, before commencing up Church Road, we wanted to know where we went wrong in Courtenay Park. Reverse reconnaissance appeared to reveal that the trail within Courtney Park was a line-of-sight trail which did not follow any of the footpaths within the Park.

 

The marks along Church Road were clear and plentiful but most had been laid on the side of the road without a pavement which was a little perplexing. Nevertheless, as we now knew where we were going, it wasn't long before we arrived back at the "OH" mark that we'd been at some 20 minutes earlier. At least we knew how to get back to the pub from there.

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

It rather seemed that, for the first time, the Harriets might have outnumbered their male counterparts. It was therefore agreed that Fallen Woman should preside as RA for the evening. Fallen Woman, in turn, invited the Bird to run interference.

 

The first award went to Slip-on-Me for being joint Hare. It was also her birthday on Friday, and she had kindly baked a cake for us. Usually we would have had all the right notes in the wrong order. However, as we were sharing the bar with a few locals the RA decided that, once nominated, all Down-Downs would take place simultaneously.

 

Slip-on-Me had the Turkish wedding helmet from the previous week. This she gave to Man-Pig citing, "Wrong week"; a female euphemism, apparently, for a nosebleed on trail. It was the only time that I've had Harriets fussing over me all wanting to donate tissues - bless you all.

Amidst the usual confusion, Threesum was nominated for a drink but was shrewd enough to swerve the DD by counter nominating the Bird to take the half on her behalf as he had, allegedly, given support to both hares.

 

The last half pint stood friendless and alone on a circular bar table. Were there any stories? Not tonight, Josephine, but a story from a fortnight ago was recalled by GM Shitfaced.

 

Smellie had missed the circle because she was temporarily indisposed powdering her nose inside the Crown and Sceptre. She could hear the circle going on outside but couldn't find the circle! Poor Smellie was unaware that the Crown & Sceptre has a car park which was accessed via the pub's rear entrance. Unaware of the existence of either a rear entrance, or a pub car park, she was outside the front of the pub trying to work out where the Hashers were congregated. Smellie's three weeks of looking after the Baby Bat hat paid off. By using echo location, she eventually located the car park just as the Hare's briefing concluded.

 

POSTSCRIPT

Whilst I was unable to go very far on trail, I still managed to stay with most of the pack throughout my mini excursion. 

 

The usual convention of FRB's detaching themselves from the shorts and walkers just did not happen. Bee Flicker tried in vain to stamp his authority on proceedings but, along with MP and myself, came to a juddering halt after less than a hundred yards when mistaking an arrow for the trail. 

 

Threesum was unperturbed, stating that the arrow only held good the second time around. Ha! That relegated the FRB's to tailenders and score one for the hares in their usually fruitless task of keeping the pack together.

 

There was a light display in the woods as the Trotters thundered towards us. On the playing fields, clusters of headtorches kept veering towards me as hashers sought enlightenment [sic] and a jolly time was had by all.

 

I was concerned about Man-Pig when I encountered him close to the Keyberry. He was trying to staunch the blood from a nose bleed. He had already completed an eight mile training run earlier in the day, and I was worried if he might have overdone things. Not a bit of it, after stemming the blood, he was back on the trail of the lonesome pine, ready to join battle once more.

 

There was many an adventure for hashers out in their three park tour, and it was something different with hashers having to use their experience (and brains} to get round.

Man-Pig and I know the effort and dedication needed to go out and lay a trail, so well done Threesum and Slip on Me on their triple Park Run. I really wish I could have done it. Bravo!

 

NEXT WEEK

Next week's Hash is at The Atmospheric Railway Inn, Starcross, with Hare U Bend.

 

On-On to next week!