TVH3 The Words for 24th April 2023
The Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell
Run. No. 1966
HARE & HERO: Man-Pig
Prologue by BB
Woeful words will follow, but I feel I must add a few of my own in support of one of the mainstays of our hash.
Whenever
there is need of a hare to fill a gap in the diary, he is there to
volunteer. The 'filling crew' of our Grand Master and in months past,
myself, are there to plug the holes and keep the good ship TVH afloat.
Originally
planning another epic trail of marathon proportion, Man-Pig learnt on
Sunday evening that I would be unable to co-hare. Even in the face of
this setback, he refused to scale back his grand design, and set off on
a sunny Monday morning to lay all the trails solo. The GM is still
incapacitated - but was valiant enough to try to assist and was waiting
at the Park Inn to rendezvous with MP at 1 pm only to find that the
trail was done.
I
was greatly surprised and, ultimately, distraught to receive a
plaintive email from Man-Pig on Tuesday morning. He was most unhappy
that he had spoilt the evening for hashers by losing his temper on
trail.
What
he failed to realize was that hashers were worried about him and had
enjoyed the trail, even in the absence of washed out marks. Ask Beefy,
he'll tell you.
Thankfully,
and befitting of her status, Fallen Woman paid tribute to Man-Pig for
his dedication and service to the hash. Well said.
If
Piddler - a gentleman, despite his trademark complaints, and done as a
leg-pull as most realize, had known the travails of the lone hare, he
might have had second thoughts.
I'll
stop now, but just think on, Man-Pig must have covered nigh on twenty
miles on Monday, uncomplaining and, all for the love of our hash.
We thank you.
The players:
Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Hotlips, Zoot & friend (returnee), Cheerio
Beerio, Only Here for the Beer (literally), Soapy, Melonpicker, Broken
Man, Fallen Woman, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man,
Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Horny, Pork Torpedo, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me,
Ernie, U-Bend, Wetfart, Fukarewe, Cold Tits, Piddler, Strap-On, Strap
Dancer, Rise 'n' Shine, Mateus Rose & Satnav.
Circle
The
weather had turned decidedly chilly as we circled up outside the Lord
Nelson. Shitfaced welcomed all including a friend of Zoot and Hotlips
who is a returnee. I am afraid that I didn't get her name. It was also
good to see Teapot back from his recent operation and looking rather
well.
As
it was run 1966, Shitfaced asked what happened in 1966? Apparently,
England won a football match and hasn't done anything since. Hotlips
promoted the forthcoming Ale Train trip on 13 May - departing from
Newton Abbot railway station at around 10.35 (check Hash FB page for
exact time).
In
a similar vein, Piltdown Man promoted a planes, trains and automobiles
type run/pub crawl from the Paignton/Brixham area on 12 July.
Then
it was over to the Hare. Man-Pig explained that Bluebird's Mum had
been very poorly the previous night and, therefore, MP had taken it
upon himself to lay the trail solo earlier in the day.
As
such, the trail would be a bit of an experiment. There would be no
checks. Instead, at road junctions and forks in pathways (the places
that you'd normally expect to see a check) the next dot would only be
some 15 to 30 yards away. There would be very few crosses and no
deliberate false trails.
The
idea behind this was simple. It was to make the Hash a little more
involving by affording all Hashers the opportunity to do a bit of
checking. Otherwise the vast majority of the pack would arrive at
checks kicked out by the FRB's. Basically, "If you see a dot, you're
On".
Yes,
there was a Walkers', Shorts' and a Longs' trail of circa 3, 5 & 6
miles respectively - all clearly marked (at least they were at 9am). A
tried and often repeated hashers' motto: What could possible go wrong?
The melodrama unfolds
Well,
who gives a flying where we went? Everyone got back; albeit many
having done their own thing, been off trail or simply failing to see
any marks at all. In fairness, this was not helped by the Pig failing
to remove a clear mark from last week's AshHash. This had at least
Coldtits and Fukarewe embarking on a fool's errand up to Moles Lane
only to find two arrows directing them back down again. This was
entirely my error and my apologies to all who fell foul of my
mistakamada.
A
court of inquiry was convened. Things looked poor from the start. The
Pig had given clear instructions that the trail went straight down
through the village. Yet this didn't deter some from checking for marks
down Water Lane. The pace was decidedly lackadaisical as the pack
strung out, nearly all walking, as we crawled down Fore Street. My
experiment was already falling flat on its face as the pack proceeded
at a snail's pace down Rose Hill across Kingskerswell Road overbid (as
named by Network rail). Some were checking, incorrectly, towards
Whitpot Mill and had to be called back.
Less
than 400 yards and it was already going belly up. It very soon became
apparent that my "clear marks" were not very clear at all and Hashers
were struggling to see them.
I
had finished laying the trail at 12.30, just in time to meet with
Shitfaced at 1pm to tell him that I had already laid all of the trail.
At
1.15pm there was very heavy hail and rain. It only lasted ten minutes
so I had no reason to consider that it might have completely decimated a
brand new trail. How wrong I was. As far as I was concerned, I had
laid a decent trail and I could now get on with other things in the
afternoon.
Well,
in 39 years of hashing, I have never seen so much erosion of marks in
such a short time. Some marks just weren't there; others barely
visible. What was I to do? Stay at the back of the pack, sweeping to
make sure no-one got lost or race ahead and try and re-lay as much of
the trail as possible? Effectively laying a live trail. I ended up
doing a bit of both.
It
was so frustrating. I had put a lot of thought and effort into both
planning and laying the trail. Now it was all in ruins. I had run my
proposed trail on Saturday morning. Those who follow me on Strava will
know that it was 8.8 miles. This was too long for a hash so, when
setting the trail on Monday morning, I simply removed the loop to
Marldon. This would have reduced the Long's trail to a more manageable 6
miles.....if anyone could discern the heavily obscured Long/Short
split which nobody did (in fairness, after having remarked this split,
Beefy did embark on a solo journey around this part of the trail but I
think he was the only one).
Even
before the frustration of the washed out marks, I had done my best to
give Hashers a slightly different route than they might expect for a
Kingskerswell Hash. This meant that a lot of the trail ran very close to
other parts of the trail. The marks would have to be very good so as
to avoid inadvertent short cuts. For this reason, I thought that it
would be best for me to lay the trail solo.
Bluebird
could stay in and look after his Mum and Shitfaced wouldn't have to
worry himself about conjuring up a trail on the hoof when we met at
1pm. Indeed, had it not rained so heavily, I think I that the trail
would have achieved its goals.
The
simple truth of the matter is that we Hash too frequently from
Kingskerswell. All the trails and tracks have been hashed out and it is
becoming increasingly difficult to give Hashers something different
from the same venue.
I
do recall a time, perhaps 20 years ago, when Teign Valley very rarely
ran from the same pub more than once or twice a year. The only
exception being the Teign House Inn; and even then I am sure that we
never ran there more than four times in any one year.
Certainly,
in recent times, the number of different pubs that we have run from
throughout the year has dropped. This has not been helped by the trend
of many pubs not opening on a Monday night. Accordingly, venues and
trails run the risk of being overused. Nevertheless, I gave it my best
shot to give Hashers something new(ish) even though it did not go as
planned.
Accordingly,
after 400 yards, I really couldn't put up with Piddler's incessant
moaning about the absence of marks. I know that the Hash is all about
chilling out and leg pulling. But all I saw in front of me was a 6 mile
damage limitation exercise. I had a complete sense of humour failure,
threw the container of flour at Piddler and said, "You lay the f*****g
trail then!" This was not personal. It could have been a criticism from
anyone and my reaction would have been the same. I was just vexed that
a job that I thought that I had done so well had turned out to be the
proverbial crock of ****.
Accordingly,
my sincere apologies to Piddler and to all Hashers. I consider you my
friends. This is your chill out time and chill out time is so very
precious to us all.
As
soon as I entered the pub, I could tell that everyone was aware that
Man-Pig was not a happy bunny. So, my apologies to you all.....my
frustration rather put a dampener on your evening. It most certainly
wasn't intended.
Down-Downs
Fortunately,
by the time I arrived at the Lord Nelson Fallen Woman had assumed the
mantle of RA for the evening. This was a good call as I really wasn't
Mr. Happy. Fallen Woman commenced by thanking the pub for the beer and
for laying on the Ploughman's lunch. She then went on to thank the Hare
for his unstinting dedication to the Hash. Thankyou.
I was really quite humbled....just doing what so many of you other guys do.
Hashshit
shirt: well, I guess that it should come as no surprise that Wetfart
decided to give it to Man-Pig; a combination of profanity and coming
third in the flour throwing competition!
Bacardi
Hat: Smellie had this from last week. This could have gone to Man-Pig
for laying part of the trail in dead rabbits but, instead, it went to
Ernie. Ernie had been too loud in his calling of "On-On" to the extent
that a local complained that he was frightening her horses. A note for
the "Horse non-whisperer".
Jester's
hat: after a 4 or 5 week absence Piddler arrived with the Jester's
hat. Again, unsurprisingly, Mr Grumpy was a contender. But, in the end,
it went to Horny. I am not quite sure why. It could have been for
chatting with Cheerio Beerio about pussies and how they are not getting
along with them or it might have been a proxy award for Pork Torpedo.
He had managed to run over his foot in his van. Quite a feat [sic] I
think you will agree. How on earth did he manage that?
Finally,
a legacy from the Awards Night. The recipients of the award for the
best On-Down of the year were in Barbados during the awards and this was
the first time that both Fallen Woman and Broken Man had both been
present at Teign Valley since.
The
Award for best On-Down of the year 2022 went to them for unbridled
hospitality at their Fish'n'Chip hash last December......and do you
remember that troublesome yard of ale! It is also Broken man's 84th
birthday next Thursday. Hence a note for "The Elder Statesman". He may
be nearly 84 but that half disappeared rather sharpish.
Epilogue
Today
is the first day of the rest of our lives. It is also the first day of
the hosepipe ban for TQ12 postcodes and most of west Devon. As I write
these words, I gaze down at the cool, clear water in the pool. So
inviting, so tempting but patience; patience my friend for today she is
too cold. Your patience will be rewarded. Keep her clean and in just a
few weeks you can dive in; reacquainted with an old friend, welcomed
by her warmth and refreshment. But today is different. It is like
looking at a beautiful woman. You can look. You can yearn. You can
lust. You can even dream. But the reality is that this is all that you
will ever do - look. Don't touch. There will be no warm embrace this
year. This year she will remain cold and out of reach.....maybe next
year?
Next week
Next week's Hash is, notionally, at Maidencombe car park - just below the Thatched Tavern. It is Bluebird's Big birthday hash.
However, due to Bluebird's Mum's health condition, things may change. See the TVH3 Facebook page for latest details.
On-On to next week.
No comments:
Post a Comment