TVH3 The Words for 26th June 2023

The Parkers Arms, Collaton St Mary 

 

Run No. 1975

 

I'M STILL STANDING

 

HARE: Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Man-Pig, Bluebird, Shitfaced, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beefy, Pisswell, Broadshit & friend Scott (who has been with us before but I don't recall him having been named) Coldtits, Slip-on-Me, Beeflicker, Big End, Ned, Well Hopped, Ernie, Fukarewe, Strap-On, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Soapy, Melon Picker, Palmolive, Satnav, Triple Jump, Piddler, Teapot, Wetfart, Able, Bobbiball and visitors from Teignmouth, Tim and Andrew - both brought by Smellie.

 

Circle

The Parkers Arms has a large car park. Nevertheless, I arrived early to secure a parking spot. Although, given last week's low numbers and the multiple venue changes for tonight's run, I was not expecting a big turnout. BONG! Wrong!

 

It seems everyone had the same plan as me - "get there early". The result was that there were no parking spaces, and I had to park on the road. However, the late arriving Fukarewe entered into the car park after the Circle had started and simply glided into a vacant space. There is no justice in the World....or I need to go to Specsavers?

 

Announcements were brief. Smellie needed a Hare for 4th August. Also, Smellie had brought along two virgins, Andrew and Tim. Teapot welcomed them into the Circle and inaugurated them with a dousing of the Hare's flour.

 

The Hare then gave a spiel about food orders and, "If you ask nicely, you may still be able to get the pre 5pm deal of two main meals for twenty quid". 

 

There was not much advice on the trail apart from one Long/Short split and an opportunity for the Shorts to take in a viewpoint which was only on the Long's trail. This would involve a 200 yard back track up a steep hill. This would also be against the flow of the Longs but well worth the view. This part of the trail would be marked "VP only".

 

Pre-trail

Frankly I was surprised that anyone made it to The Parkers Arms given the number of venue changes since Wednesday night. The build-up to tonight's trail was somewhat auspicious. It started with a text from Smellie on Wednesday evening:

"U-Bend can't do Monday. Can you be a stand-in Hare?"

"Err. I guess so. I'm on babysitting duty so I'll try to come up with something tomorrow".

 

The problem wasn't so much the trail, it was finding a venue. On Thursday evening, I drove up to the Old Smokey in Marldon. It is a huge pub, always busy in the summer and we haven't hashed from there in about 15 years. There is a simple reason that we haven't been there for so long. They don't open on Mondays....even in the height of the summer holiday season.

 

My next port of call was the Church House Inn in Marldon. This is a quite upmarket On-Down but Piltdown-Man and Georgy Porgy have had us hashing from there about 18 months ago.

Initially, all seemed well. Yes, they could have us but they'd need to speak to the chef regarding a Hash-priced (cheapo) food option. I left them my business card and they promised to get back to me. I reported progress to Smellie and the Bird published the venue details on FB....prematurely as it turned out.

 

The following day, I received an e-mail from the Church House Inn. "Sorry we can't accommodate you". Drat. On to Plan C....there hadn't even been a Plan A!

 

Plan C: The Parker's Arms. "Would they have us at such short notice?" Only one way to find out. Take a trip down to the pub and ask them. I always like to ask in person. It shows conviction and automatically builds a personal bond. So much better that an impersonal e-mail or a phone call I find.

 

I decided to attempt to kill two birds with one stone. I would take the old motorcycle out for its annual spin and do a little recce around the lanes. I wished I hadn't. 

 

At one point, I had the wing mirrors brushing foliage on both sides. These must be tracks. They can't be a part of Devon's highway network.

 

However, on checking the map, they were, indeed roads....and used roads at that. My first encounter was with a farmer in his pick-up. Fortunately, it was at a junction so plenty of room to pass.

 

The next encounter was with a white Fiesta van. This was on the narrowest part of the road-cum-track. The Fiesta reversed but there was something fishy about this vehicle. It was on the most remote of roads leading nowhere. Where was he going? What was he doing? Was he lost?

 

In fact, this was not so much fishy as aromatic. As he reversed I followed him slowly up to the junction where the Long/Short split was to be. There was definitely an aroma in the air. I recognised it, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It was a recollection from way back when. BONG! Ah, yes. Weed!

 

Suitably invigorated after having followed the Fiesta, I ploughed on to the Parkers Arms. "Yes", they would have us. Hurrah!

 

The bar menu had plenty of low-priced options and there was no requirement to get your food orders in before 9pm. Bingo. All planned.

 

The pub had been so accommodating that I didn't have the heart to ask if they'd stand us four halves of bitter as well - don't ride your luck, Man-Pig. Nevertheless, as it transpired, on the night they did stand us the beers as well so a big "Thankyou" to Cookie (landlord) & Vicki for being so accommodating.

 

I immediately reported my coup to Bluebird who put it on Facebook before I even got to keeping Smellie in the loop. Thus, it was a very pleasant surprise to find that thirty plus Hashers had successfully fought their way through the plethora of updates to arrive at the On-Down. What would the stand-in Hare have to offer?

 

The Trail

For those that have been running with TVH for some time, tonight's Hare actually had very little new to offer. What we got was a trail that was a 90% copy of one laid by Wig-Wam when he was the catering manager at the Blagdon Inn. Bluebird thinks this may have been back in 2014! 

 

A combination of maps, recce'ing and casting my mind back nine years created my approximation of Wigger's past trail.

 

Over to the Bird for his hasher on the spot snippets.

 

Confession time - Man-Pig had kindly sent me two detailed maps of the trails plus his Strava recce on Sunday. I had had a quick look and took it to be a six mile anti-clockwise loop.

MP shouted 'On left!' and the pack swept left out of the car park - and left again at the Totnes road. HA! I turned right up the hill towards Tweenaways only to hear 'On back!' behind me. 

 

A jeering Piddler cried 'Be seeing you Bluebird!' Thinking that I had madamistaka and MP had intended a clockwise loop, I turned, quite disgruntled, to join the tailenders of the pack.

'ON BACK!' cried MP. Oh blast it, I had been right after all.

 

For nigh on the next five miles, the maps availed me nought in the thick of battle. It was only at the top of Blagdon road that I realized where I was going. Sigh..

 

Mentioned on trail:

 

Big End consistently checking and calling back. Seems over his injury and on the way back to fitness.

Fukarwi going for it for at least a hundred yards before realizing the game was up.

Well Hopped improving from the Totnes six miler the week before, and not letting the Bird get away.

Coldtits climbing determinedly to the viewpoint and completing the 4.7 mile 'short' trail.

Virgin Andrew well to the fore and impressing with his first run.

Beeflicker storming down the Blagdon road to collar the fleeing Bird just before that strange deer effigy.

 

Down-Downs

In the absence of both U-Bend and Forrest-Stump it would normally have been Man-Pig on RA duty for the evening. 

 

However, wary of being the teacher who marks his own homework, the Pig asked if Fallen Woman would kindly officiate for the evening? She duly obliged.

 

We commenced by thanking the pub for having us and being so accommodating, including providing the Down-Downs. Sterling service. We shall undoubtedly be back.

 

The first award to give away was the Hashshit shirt. Beeflicker gave this to a rather unfortunate Strap-On. 

 

His alleged crime being that he had wrongly kicked out a check, sending several hashers awry. It seems that Big End, dutifully checking, had called 'On one' which had been mistaken for 'ON ON!' and Strap-On had simply carried out the instruction. 

 

Oh well, worse things happen at sea.

 

Next up was the apparently recovered Bluebird with the Jester's hat. After launching himself vigorously on one of his harangues, yon virgin Andrew was singled out for his unexpected running prowess (unexpected by the Bird, anyway) and he was summoned forth for that somewhat rare bird - a virgin DD.

 

Smellie had some very interesting lost property from last week to return to its rightful owner....a small tube of Nipple Balm. Bewilderingly, Smellie advised that the likely owner was male! Last week's male contingent comprised Beeflicker (main suspect), Bluebird (aka Bluebelle - a likely candidate), Man-Pig (perplexed), Strap-On (baffled), Ernie (giggling), Piltdown Man (non-plussed) and Bobbiball (late to the On-Down so disqualified).

After a lot of finger pointing and no admissions of guilt, Fallen Woman awarded the half to Man-Pig for being Hare.....but who took the nipple balm home????? (The Bird, of course.)

 

The final half and story time. Soapy had a story. This was about a professional Hasher who FRB's by deliberately kicking out checks in the wrong direction. Who is capable of such a heinous crime? The Piddler of course.

 

Birdlogue

Where would we be without Man-Pig? 

 

Yet again, he came to the aid of the hash, tirelessly seeking a substitute OD and taking a lot of trouble with the trails. 

 

It would have been so easy if he had just laid an old trail from either the Park or Nellie, close to home, but he wanted to go the extra mile - about twenty or so extra miles if you take in the recce, lay and on the evening shadowing of the pack.

 

Ti salutiamo, Man-Pig, we salute you!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Rugglestone with Hare Pisswell. It is bound to be an excellent run. Unfortunately, half a dozen hashers, including myself, are going to miss it as we are going to visit Wigwam in Poland. 

 

I get a free seat upgrade as I have told Ryanair that I am a qualified Leopard II technician! (He may be re-routed to Kiev!)

 

On-On to next week.