ORWELLIAN DARK OVERTONES ON RUN #1984?

TVH3 The Words for 28th August 2023 

by Man-Pig

Staverton Railway Station 

Run No. 1984

HARE: Beefy

Who wuz there: Beefy, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Forrest-Stump, Perry, Smellie, Coldtits, Slip-on-Me, Satnav, Ablesemen, Pisswell, Ernie, Melon Picker, Soapy, Palmolive & Beeflicker

Circle

Shitfaced welcomed a smaller pack than usual to Staverton Railway Station car park. Amazingly, the pack was so small that most of the Hash managed to park in the small car park. Beefy was the Hare for this now, almost annual, post Ales & Rails Beer Festival Hash run.

Shitfaced asked Satnav for an update on Teapot who has contracted sepsis. Basically, there was no update. Man-Pig asked if anyone had any more news regarding Winfield but, again, no updates so over to the Hareraiser - Smellie. Currently we're OK for Hares up to 5th October. There then ensued discussions about red dress runs with Soapy, Melonpicker and Forrest all volunteering to lay more trails. Splendid.

Over to the Hare - Beefy.

"There are two Long/Short splits. the Longs is about 5 miles. The Walkers 1.2 miles. Shorts about 3 miles".

There were then some instructions about what to do if you saw a Network Rail symbol on the ground in flour. I think everyone ignored this and plumped for the "easy to understand" OH symbol.

Most importantly, there were plenty of beers left over from the beer festival!

The Trail

Despite being at almost the same location as our Hash from a fortnight ago, there was virtually no duplication of the trail. The Walkers had a short meander and appeared to be staying on the north bank of the Dart. The Longs' and the Shorts', meanwhile, were directed over the level crossing, past the mill and up into North Wood. But would the auspicious 1984 trail have any Orwellian dark undertones? As it turned out, the only darkness was a lack of natural light towards the end of the trail.....torches next week per chance?

Almost as soon as we entered the wood, the dots had us bear sharp right and up a long broad path before deviating left and up again. The trail took us up to almost the highest point of North Wood and the first Long/Short split. I rather suspect that it was only Man Pig and Beeflicker on the Long at this point. 

 

We looped around the top, past the remnants of survival bashers before getting a little off trail just above Dartington. Soon we were back on trail and encountered Forrest Stump and Perry.

 

The trail was incredibly well marked with closely spaced dots of flour. Just as well as it was decidedly dipsy in the woods. We encountered Soapy and Palmolive at the edge of the wood as we headed north-east and downhill to the second Long/Short split.

The second Long had us on the upper path running towards Stillpool Coppice and thence towards Deer Park. At the edge of Deer Park, a dot on a cube of timber had us pass through the stone wall and down to the banks of the Dart heading due west. The Stillpool was very still. There was no water in it at all! 

 

The trail followed the outside of the wall until dropping down to the edge of the Dart. It was quite steep in places. At least two fallen trees made natural bridges onto an island but there were no marks so this was not our Orwellian challenge. Eventually, we exited at the same point at which we entered the wood.

Back at the car park, all was not done. Both the Longs' and the Shorts' were directed up towards Staverton. The trail then took us into the chlildren's playing area, around the cricket field and then onto the duckboards behind the tennis courts. We haven't been on these duckboards for years. Across the pedestrian level crossing and the On Home sign with Beeflicker, Forrest, Palmolive and Soapy not far behind.

Another lovely trail. Thank you Beefy. But the best was yet too come; our own private mini- beer festival. What a perfect way with which to round off the Bank Holiday weekend!

Down-Downs

Forrest-Stump was our RA for the evening and he had a lot of stories up his sleeve. First up was Ernie on a parking charge. Initially, Ernie was at the circle after having double parked on the road. On entering the usually full car park, he spied two spaces. A quick disappearing trick and he was back with his car; now nicely parked and closer to the bar! A note for the "double parker".

Almost immediately, the second down-down was awarded to Pisswell. She had been last to arrive back at the On-Down as she'd been for a swim...and then complained that the river was cold! Hold it in you hand Mrs Murphy.

The next Down-Down went to Beefy for another excellent trail but somehow the tables got turned on the RA so it was a double-down-down for the Hare and the RA.

Poor Ernie was still trying to give away his birthday hat from a fortnight ago but we'd run out of Down-Downs.

We concluded the Down-Downs by thanking the railway volunteers (George & friend) for staffing the bar just for us and then invited them to join us for our "food to share".

And, with low numbers, there was plenty of food to share. Two very nice flans, courtesy of Pisswell and Beefy I think. Forrest had brought some Tandoori chicken - but wanted the bones back! The Harriets had also done a fine job of bringing more nibbles and taking control of clearing up operations. It all worked rather well so a big "Thankyou" to Beefy for both Haring and organising the scoff.

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Warren House Inn, Postbridge (assuming that they will have us - apparently, the last time that we tried to arrange the On-Down there we were not welcome!). The Hare is, once again, Pisswell. Sterling service.

On-On to next week.

MONDAY 28TH AUGUST MAP

Run #1984 Monday 28th August 7:15 pm circle up from South Devon Railway - Staverton Station, Staverton, Totnes TQ9 6AG with hare Beefy. Please bring food to share.

 

SNAKES AND LADDERS IN THE VINEYARD - WITH JUST A HINT OF ENTRAPMENT

 Run #1983 Monday 21st August 

from Sandridge Barton, the home of Sharpham wine

Hare: Pisswell

(Tune for trail Red, Red wine, UB40)

As I said to Man-Pig, this is an all singing, all dancing, read it on the toilet when you have a cup of tea or (maybe even a meal) type of words! As the UB40 song is incredibly long and so was this hash! 

As this is a bit Epic, please leave comments if you have been left out or weren’t there, (Coldtits.) So this is a rough idea of the evening with the right facts possibly, but not necessarily in the right order!

Who woz there?

Bluebird in spirit, minus puncture

Bobby ball, late comer 

Returnee - Only here for the wine/beer!

Sat Nav, Shitfaced, ManPig, Forrest stump and Perry, Archangel, Zoot, Hotlips and son (what’s your real name, Ollie?) Smellie, Piltdown Man, Georgie Porgie, Erection and smaller Erection, Wet Johnny and son and friend, Beefy, Strap on, Strap dancer, Mateus Rose, Slip on me, Fukarwe, Wetfart, Pisswell, Piddler, Ernie, 

Libby and Paddy, (soon to be renamed), Beeflicker, Squashed Balls, Twin Buffers, Popeye and partner ( sorry unsure of name?), Rise and shine, Twiggy, Fallen woman and U-bend.

The circle

GM Shitfaced asked people what was happening tonight that had never happened before with TVH3. Little did he know that by the end of the evening, he would have not known the answer to his own question! At that point, it was that we had parked in an undercover car park.

Subs were asked for. Forrest had obliged. Still haven’t seen the money, Forrest! 

Smelly was asked about up-coming hares required. Can’t remember what she said! ? End of Sept.

Beefy reminded of next week's Staverton beer festival hash and to please bring food to share at the railway.

The hares

Pisswell and Libby, leaving Paddy, the fireman attending the fire. 

Pisswell welcomed everyone  to Sandridge Barton winery and vineyard. Our hosts for the evening were her daughter Libby, in training to be a wino and her boyfriend Paddy, who passed out long ago in wine, and who both work there.  They would be giving us a short wine tasting on our return and had tweaked our down downs to make them more interesting!

Annie was chief chef for the night with limited ingredients, which we would ask a donation for. Beer/ cider maybe £2, donations for bacon butties.

Pisswell reminded that there are, of course, no rules in hashing but for the night, we had only  two rules for the vineyard.

1 To keep on trail at all times. This is a working farm and we were to be running through crops yet to be harvested. We already had had to reroute due to the bleating sheep in the orchard and a worried farmer. So dogs under control, and please be respectful of holiday-makers staying in the buildings. 

2. If you wanted to survive this game of snakes and ladders, you have to comply with moving sweetie stops. ( A la Melonpicker at a previous hash). So if you got offered a sweetie stop, you must take it or it will affect your mileage and you will live to regret it!  If you were asked to “ shake” please do so and do not move forward until instructed.

The route was about 5m for everyone. Everyone was wished good luck and may the best man win!

The start

First shake to walkers, who went with Paddy to their first sweetie stop and a ride up the road to the vineyard. Our cunning plan for the second shake was to then gather the FRBs and take them back the mile to restart!

Meanwhile, Libby in the smaller gator would keep the group together by offering sweetie stops, whilst Paddy returned to prep the wine tasting.

The route: Red Red Wine sing a long

https://youtu.be/2DTrMa-r56Y

Red, red wine goes to my head

Makes me forget that I’ve, a  great place to show 

Red, red wine, it's up to you

Here at Sandridge Barton 

Winery to - vineyard you go

I'd have sworn that this time

Old hash rules leave my head

There's just two, Keep on trail.

There's one more, please don’t forget!

Red, red wine, no choice of three

Don't let me hear you moan

We’re all on the same, my great plan.

All must have, sweety stops

Moving stop is what I said 

If you’re slow, there's a lift

Just one stop gets you ahead!

Red, red wine, Pad in safari truck

Gets you past all the longs 

FRBs depart, back to the start

Red red wine, vineyard is oh so fine

Play snakes and ladders, all of the time

Red red wine, which row is the right one?

A million dollar question to which way you will run.   

Red red wine, you make it look so mad

Doing checks down the row, it make me feel bad

Red red wine, the fields all look so fine

Gatter cheating shortcut, eating sweets saves time! 

Red red wine, words give me whole heap to sing

Forgot the tune? then just do your own thing!

Red red wine, the quay I  know you will love

On to the boat house you can see in from above

Red red wine, you can jump into the Dart

Wrestle gators, don’t let it stop your heart

Red red wine inna Dundee style

Red red wine inna rolling croc style

Yeah

Give me a likkle time, let me clear up my mind

Give me a shorter song, going mad, far too long

Give me red wine, kind growing on the vine

You run me through lines all of the time

Red red wine, in and out the vines

Libby helps on gatter, pon the sweetie line

Wine gums choke, the gater get broke

One bad hasher fought the croc and he got soaked!

Red red wine, I'm gonna show you the view

Run up and down, I know yuh love to do

Red red wine, I'm sure for Dittisham you’ll die 

Get view of the Dart, and that's no lie

Red red wine, can't get lane out my mind

When you jump the tree, that you’ll surely find

You'll surely find, find the track, just go back

Give me a little time, let me get 'em back on time

Give me a little sign, winerys where we’ll find

Paddy makes wine, treading grapes from the vine

We make him make wine all of the time

Red red wine, Paddy makes such good wine

Don’t look back and ease up on the sweet deadline

The line broke, the gator get choked

It won’t cost us nothing eating cheese with these notes

Red red wine, you really know how to love

Your kind of tasting like a wine thief from above

Red red wine, I loved Bacchus from the start

Right past pino, Madeline won my heart

Red red wine, we too posh to do down downs 

Whole heap of beers round the fire we have found

Downing beer inna hashing style

Bacon butties, all in a while

Yeah

We trod on grapes to make some down down wine!

We used the wine thief, it looked so fine

Red red wine, a thanks before you dash

I owe a million dollars to our hosts of the hash 

Lib and Pad, this song has sent me mad

Play the music as you sing, it won’t seem so bad!!!

The Downdowns

Again, not particularly correct and not necessarily in the right order!

Sorry to all the people who couldn’t wait any longer, but after the cheese, biscuits and wine tasting, and a spot of optional shopping, we burnt a bit of bacon for bacon butties and it all took quite a while.) 

Well done, Forrest, Archangel and Annie, thank you for your help. I must add that I did wash my hands after picking up the stinking sheep skull. It even spooked me, and we had put it there, in the lit up lime kiln! 

Luckily , when I shut all the gates and was tidying up, I had my crocodile from the quay, to defend me. Anyway, food over and then the buckets were prep’d for our first grape treading.

 

Forrest and ManPig shared RA duties and asked for details of misdemeanours. Wet Johnny missed a down down for crocodile wrestling at the Quay. In fact , slicing the croc open later, it was actually Ernie, or did he go home early? All I know was that it was Smellie! Or was WJ in trouble for his ( please be respectful around the holiday lets), shouting Erection?  Zoot also unknowingly missed a down down, for ignoring the hare, I might add! 

Beefy gained a down down himself for “ dobbing,” I think. And then we waited and waited. We washed his feet in icy water, he trod the squishy grapes and then his juices were collected to make a dirty beer , delivered courtesy of the wine thief! A delightful lack of singing accompanied this down down! 

Smellie was next up for constantly asking about the mileage, despite knowing the rules of the sweetie stops. A quick wash, sharing juices of the sexy foot bath and wine treading with Beefy, she drank to a serenade from Archangel, which I think he made up so we were unable to join in!

Next was the hare, who tried to fob it off to daughter Libby unsuccessfully. She lost most of it down her front, following a chorus of “ hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy”. The hare returned afterwards to stand in the bucket again, she was then awarded her 200th hash badge award along with “ get a life, get a life, get a life, life, life”!

As (I think) a thanks for their hard efforts, next was a naming, more grapes trod and wine thief down down to Libby, now to be known as Cheesy Nipples! (sorry Lib). Paddy, was named in far more ceremony by ManPig, as Cheesy Helmet! We all had had so such better ideas for names, especially for a part time fireman!

Can’t remember the songs, if at all, as all was forgotten after two renditions of happy birthday to Mrs Campbell ( Bluebird's Mum). Beefy unfortunately forgot to press record on his phone. I’m not sure which version was worse but at 101, I hope she doesn’t care!

Thanks so much for all the help and for everyone “going with the flow” as it was a bit unusual, to put it mildly! And thanks particularly to the Cheesy pair, who made it such a beautiful night to remember. Please come and join us soon hashing, Cheesies. (and I promise Paddy, no more cheesy jokes! ) Next one will be without the hard work. 

This was a real privilege, so I am putting a link in case anyone would like to come again, buy wine or help with harvesting this year. They’re a great team. 

Sandridge Bartonhttps://sandridgebarton.comSandridge Barton

On on to next week at Staverton railway beer festival. Don’t forget to bring food to share. 

PIsswell x

Monday 21st August details and map

 

Run #1983 Monday 21st August 7:15 pm ciircle from Sandridge Barton - the home of Sharpham Wine, Lower Well Farm, Waddeton Rd., Stoke Gabriel, Totnes TQ9 6RL with hare Pisswell.

what3words: tend.outcasts.provoking

 

Kindly don't forget to BRING CASH with you.

 

 

Normality Restored & Utter Plagiarism

TVH3 The Words for 14th August 2023  

The Sea Trout, Staverton  

Run No. 1982

HARES: Bobbiball & Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Bobbiball, Man-Pig, U-Bend, Forrest-Stump, Perry, Archangel, Tamsin (Miss Ing), Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Checkmate, Coldtits, Slip-on-Me, Satnav, Ablesemen, Beefy, Fukarewe, Ernie, Rise 'n' Shine, Twiggy, Broadshit, Scott, Wetfart, Fallen Woman, Hotlips, Zoot, Sharon and returnees Shitfaced, iPoo'd, Flasher & Runner Bean. Also a pre-hash guest appearance at the bar by Only Here for the Beer......literally. A total of 30

 

Circle

The first sign of a return to normality at the Hash was the reappearance of Shitfaced as GM, after a four week absence, U-Bend can enjoy his retirement from formal Hash duties.

 

In Smellie's absence, there was no recruitment drive for Hares. Fallen Woman put in a plug for South Hams Hash on Wednesday 16th August as she is the Hare. SH4 will be commencing Wednesday's trail from Trucker's Field in the Teign Valley (junction of main road and Trusham turn off very close to Forrest-Stump's abode). There is a marquee, beer and plenty of parking.

Beefy also gave a plug for his Hash in two weeks' time. This, too, will be in Staverton - at the Railway Station. It is a "bring food to share" event where we will be assisting the station staff in disposing of any beer left over from the weekend's Rail & Ale festival.

Over to the Hares. Bobbiball wanted a show of hands for food - 10 takers. This was relayed to the bar. Man-Pig briefed the trail:

"Shorts' to the left. Longs' to the right. Walkers' stay here".

Hotlips queried the distance.

"Last month the Longs' was 4.64 miles".

Last month? TVH3 haven't been here for 5 years!????

The Hare went on to state that tonight there would be: no rockfalls, no ropes, no water and no sand. Hopefully, this time, the pub would still be open by the time we returned!

The Trail

Bobbiball's original plan had been to set his trail from the Manor Inn, Paignton. He had arranged this with the pub over a month ago and they had "put it in their book", or so he thought. On rechecking 10 days ago, yes, the Manor Inn confirmed that they had Haldon Hash booked in for Monday 14th August.

"Err. No. It's Teign Valley Hash".

"No it's definitely Haldon Hash".

"How on earth..... can you accommodate two hashes on one night?".

"No, it's just Haldon HHH".

Bobbi was now bereft of both a trail and an on-down.  So it came to pass that we ended up at the Sea Trout in Staverton.

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. And so it was that Man-Pig shamelessly relaid SH4's trail from a month ago. It was so good that the hare thought it deserved another go.

The Longs' trail was a fairly simple loop and predominantly off-road. The Long's comprised Flasher and Runner Bean back to their FRB'ing best. Other FRB's included Beefy and Fukarewe. The balance of the Longs' comprised Ernie, Miss'ing, U-Bend, Archangel with Man-Pig sweeping. A couple of early checks kept the pack together as the trail led up and across Moothill Cross towards Kingston House.

At the highest point, we were treated to some lovely views across the South Hams countryside before we embarked along the public bridle way north-west towards Sparkwell.

 

A back-check just past Sparkwell Farm, a lovely Georgian House, had the pack reunited as they headed due south on a public footpath, initially past an allotment and then across a couple of open fields. At Bartonhill Cross another check had the FRB's running up and down hill but not straight across and onto an obvious (but seemingly unmarked) public footpath. Inevitably this was the correct route.

Within 200 metres we joined up with the Shorts' trail. Ahead of us was the Walkers' trail. A simple up and back down Barton Lane - a public footpath across fields and a path that we have been down many times before; usually with Poacher as hare. But that was a long, long time ago.

But Barton Lane was not the destination for the Longs' and the Shorts'. They were going almost due west and heading for Fursdon, passing Ablesemen, Slip-on-Me and Satnav on the Shorts. 

 

Another check and we were on another bridle way. This time towards Abham. Yet another check had us back on tarmac for a short uphill to Abham and the first arrow on the trail. This took us left and along our final bridle way and our final check before the long road descent to Staverton Station. Here we caught up with Twiggy and Rise'n' Shine.

The final section of our trail took us right, over the level crossing, and then immediately left along the banks of the Dart. Georgy Porgy, Piltdown Man, Checkmate and Coldtits hove. 

A peaceful canter along the river bank and past Staverton church and the On-Home sign.

All back by 8.45? Not quite. Only 200 yards short of the pub, the magnetic attraction of a free book stall halted Piltdown and Georgie's progress. Ablesemen, Satnav and Slip-on-Me were on the Shorts which was a longer trail than their usual option of the Walkers', but they said that they enjoyed it. 

 

Tail-end Charlie was Archangel who was walking the Longs and taking in the scenery and wildlife, most notably bats. When laying the trail I had the good fortune to have my path crossed by a squirrel, a rabbit and, best of all, a deer but no bats unfortunately.

Down-Downs

It has been a long time since we have run from the Sea Trout. About 5 years I think. The principle reason for this is that the pub had been shut for quite some time. Going back, perhaps, 15 years or more, the Sea Trout was a regular TVH venue. And, deservingly so as there are so many good trails to be laid in the surrounding area. The abundance of potential trails has not been lost on other Hashes as both Ashburton hash and South Hams Hash have run from here over the past 4 weeks.

Matt, the bar manager, and his team made us very welcome laying on soup and chip butties; additionally, providing the Down-Downs before we'd even asked about them. Excellent service.

And so to the Down-Downs, Forrest-Stump presiding.

The first two Down-Downs went to the Hares; simply for a scenic trail. Beefy correctly interjected to say that, by rights, the Down-Downs should have gone to the SH4 Hares from 4 weeks previously....plagiarism personified.

The next Down-Down went to Birthday Boy, Ernie. He downed a glass of water - as he was driving - which was slopping around in the child's wellington boot.  All the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.

The fourth Down-Down went to Fukarewe. Why? He got to a check and proclaimed, "It will be down here. I live near here and there's a great track down here". There is, indeed, Fukarewe but it wasn't  part of tonight's trail as a crestfallen Fukarewe returned from having encountered a cross. Hence a note for, "Un Fukarewe".

Ernie's water meant that there was still a half pint unallocated. Who would be its recipient? Forerst told the short story of a helpful Harriet who turned out not to be very helpful at all. Forrest had forgotten Perry's lead.

"Has anyone got a spare lead?".

"Yes". Answered the helpful Harriet. It was 7pm. This was just as well as, after 20 minutes foraging in the back, front and under her Landrover, she concluded that she didn't have a spare lead after all. Slip-on-Me got a note for the forgetful one.

Next week

Next week's Hash is at Sandridge Barton (the new home of Sharpham Wine), Lower Well Farm, Waddeton Road, Stoke Gabriel TQ9 6RL  BRING CASH. The Hare is Pisswell.

On-On to next week.

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

 .......well, not quite - but almost

TVH3 The Words for 7th August 2023

The Ness Car Park, Shaldon 

Run No. 1981

HARES: Dastardly & Muttley

Who wuz there: Bluebird, Man-Pig, U-Bend, Forrest-Stump, 

Perry, Tamsin (Miss Ing), Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, 

Smellie, Coldtits, Beefy, Pisswell, Fukarewe, Ernie, Piddler, 

Beeflicker, Melon-Picker, Soapy, Palmolive, Strap-On, 

Rise 'n' Shine, Mateus Rose, Wetfart, 

Bobbiball, Pollyfella, Kermit, Horny, Big End, Well Hopped, 

Well Hopped's son, Roger the Dodger, Fallen Woman, Strap-Dancer, 

Twiggy, Pork Torpedo (pub only) and Andrew (Smellie's friend 

(pub only).

Prologue

What follows ladies and gentlemen, is a tale of woe, ambition, 

heroics, team play and, hopefully, I pray, reconciliation.

Read on for the full story for, tonight, this was no ordinary 

Teign Valley trail.

Circle

The original plan of a summer barbecue on the beach had 

been changed the previous week due to a 

forecast of non BBQ friendly weather. And so it was that 

30 or so Hasher's found themselves at the Ness car park 

waiting on the absent Hare. 

 

For a third week on the trot, U-Bend was the GM. 

Basically no announcements so over to Hare Raiser Smellie. 

Smellie needs Hares from the end of September onwards.

Over to the Hare. Not present. What can the co-Hare offer? 

Man-Pig admitted to only having been involved in setting 

the last three quarters of the trail. To the best of his 

knowledge, there was no Walkers' trail, no sweetie stop and 

he wasn't quite sure where the Long/Short split was or even 

if it had been marked. Yes, the Pig had been about as useful 

as a chocolate fireguard.

Miraculously, from almost nowhere, a dishevelled, but 

enthusiastic, Bird appeared. He was buzzing 

with excitement. This was going to be a good trail (for most). 

Perhaps a candidate for Best Lay of the Year? 

 

He brandished a pair of secateurs, shouting that he 

".....had come prepared for all eventualities". 

Once again the secateurs proved to be about as useful 

as the aforementioned chocolate fireguard.

Instructions were simple. "Follow me" as Bluebird gleefully 

hurdled towards the Smugglers' tunnel.

"Oh. By the way Man-Pig. Lay it as we go!"

And so we were off.

The Trail

Well, what had the Bird got in store for us this evening? 

What indeed? The one thing that we could all be reasonably 

assured of was that the trail would most certainly 

not be boring.

We have hashed Bluebird trails for many a year. Bluebird 

always does his best to keep us on our toes

and provide us with something out of the ordinary. 

But this usually comes at a cost. Namely, the trail 

is likely to be challenging.

This trail did not disappoint. In theory the trail was 

simple but definitely not straightforward.

 

In the absence of a dedicated Walkers' trail, the Walkers 

would have to do their own thing whilst the 

Longs and the Shorts sallied forth into the unknown.

The plan was for the Longs and the Shorts to turn right 

at the end of the Smugglers' tunnel and run 

along the beach; navigate the debris from two cliff falls

and make their way to the aptly named  Rock Flats

 At this point, we would ascend the cliffs to the Hidden 

Valley, the high point of Bluebird's birthday Hash back 

in May. 

 

Exiting the Hidden Valley, we would be back on 

the cliff path. Bluebird would take the Shorts right and 

continue along the cliff path, past the Ness Golf Club and 

back to the car park. 

 

Man-Pig would take the Longs on a 

4 mile loop of tracks and pathways down to 

Stoke-in-Teignhead, and then up Millen Lane to the trig 

point at the top of Commons Lane. 

 

From there it was all downhill back to the car park. 

Simples!. What could possibly go wrong?

Indeed all was well....initially. The trek across 

the boulder fields was painfully slow. This is a potential 

leg breaker and it has to be undertaken carefully, 

very carefully. The sandstone rock is embedded with sharp 

flint. Supporting one's bodyweight with your hands 

is an uncomfortable experience.

Bluebird led the pack whilst Man-Pig swept the rear with 

Melon-Picker for company. 

 

Traversing the boulder field with a canister of flour in one 

hand was a bit of a handicap. I hate crossing the boulder 

fields at the best of times. 

 

Part way across the first rockfall Melon-Picker spied 

a seal not 10m offshore...probably sniffing around the 

lobster pots. I actually didn't see it but 

spent some time scanning the calm waters awaiting its 

resurfacing like a miniature submarine - but it was not to be. 

 

The combination of flour canister and seal gazing meant that 

Melon-Picker and I arrived at the Rock Flats at 

least 10 minutes later than everyone else.

 

We had regularly looked behind us and had seen no back 

markers. We assumed that the back markers had, sensibly, 

bailed out and were making their way back to the pub.

It was bang on 8.30 when we arrived at the Rock Flats. 

 

Bluebird was elated.

"Well done. You've all made it. Are you the last?"

"Yes", I replied in all honesty.

Bluebird was beaming from ear-to-ear. 

 

He had thought, not unreasonably, that he had 

laid a corker of a trail and he was as pleased 

as Punch that everyone had made it safely across 

the rocks.

 

We ascended the cliffs in single file with the 

assistance of the ropes - some knotted so as to 

provide more grip. Safety first, only one

person was allowed on a roped section at a 

time. 

 

In truth, only the very last 15 feet or so 

truly required the aid of a rope. 

 

Ten minutes later we were all back on the 

cliff path atthe Long/Short split. 

Tamsin looked at her Garmin. The last mile 

had taken 49 minutes. 

 

I recalled having done this trail back in about 

2013 when my Garmin recorded an average 

speed of 1.4 MPH. 

No change over the intervening 9 years then!

Despite the time, a goodly number elected to 

do the Long. This comprised Beeficker, Beefy, 

Pisswell, Soapy, Palmolive, Fukarewe, Piddler,

Horny, U-Bend, Tamsin and the Pig. 

However, there must have been others on the 

Long before us as all of the checks had already 

been kicked out. I rather suspect that the FRB 

was probably Pollyfell.

 

At least we could now stretch our legs for the 

next 4 miles and enjoy a well earned pint in 

the Ferry Boat Inn. I looked at my watch. 

This part of the trail was hilly but potentially 

fast. I estimated ETA at the car park at 9.30 

and having a pint in my hand by 9.45.

Yes, it had been a technically and physically 

challenging trail in parts. Up to this point everything 

had been going swimmingly, and Bluebird could 

justifiably promote this trail as a candidate

for Best Lay of the Year.......well up to 9.23pm.

The last of the Longs' were almost at the bottom of 

Commons Lane. Only a half a mile to go and we'd 

be back at the cars.

 

I'd just finished laying the lastof the arrows. 

This was just in case there were any 

backmarkers that I didn't know about. Although 

this would be highly unlikely at 9.23pm. Then the 

phone rang and everything changed in an instant.

Catastrophe! Averted?

Who on earth is phoning me at this time? By the 

time that I wrestled the phone from my pocket 

it was silent. A missed call. I looked at the screen. 

 

Without my glasses is was rather blurred. 

Nevertheless, I could make out a name 

"Mary Sturgess - missed call". It was Coldtits.

 

This was not a social call at this 

time. My immediate thoughts were, 

"What's gone wrong?" I phoned her back

immediately.

"Hi Coldtits. It's Man-Pig. Where are you?"

"Hi Man-Pig" replied a positive sounding 

Coldtits. My anxiety eased fractionally.

 

At the other end of the line was a composed 

Coldtits. No hint of panic. A good start to the 

conversation.

"We're stuck at the last length of rope and

 can't get up. Ernie is on the Shorts'".

Jeeper's. They've crossed the two boulder 

fields! I was convinced there was no-one behind 

me.

"Who is "We"?" I enquired.

"Me, Georgy Porgy and Piltdown Man".

I was incredulous.

"OK. I'm 10 minutes away. I will come 

back for you now. We will do the best 

we can with torchlight from our phones".

And, with that, I retraced my steps up 

Commons Lane, across the A379 and 

back to Labrador Bay car park and the cliff 

path to the top of the Hidden Valley.

 

Only 100 yards short of the access to 

the Valley, my phone rings again. It is Coldtits. 

They have made it onto the cliff path. 

60 seconds later I am with 

them. Coldtits is fine. Piltdown Man 

is exhausted and Georgy Porgy appears 

OK but is having dizzy spells.

We make our way up to Labrador Bay

car park and Coldtits asks where my car is.

"In the Ness car park".

With hindsight, it might have been better 

for me to have stayed with the Longs all 

the way back to the 

Ness car park and jumped into my car

and made my way back to Labrador Bay. 

At least then I would 

have had torches and rope. Right now, all I 

had was a half empty container of flour!

I offered to run back and get my car but 

Coldtits said she'd phone for a taxi. 

Regrettably, no answer. 

 

So we commenced our way back to the Ness

on foot. First along the decidedly dangerous main

road and then onto the top of Common's Lane. 

 

My phone rings again. It's Smellie but I can't 

hear her. I try to phone back but no answer. 

I then borrow Coldtits' glasses and try phoning 

Bluebird. No luck. I try Forest. we're in luck...comms.

"Where are you?" Enquires Forest.

"The top of Commons Lane".

"Where's that?"

"Near Labrador Bay car park".

"Are the others with you?"

"Yes".

"Ernie, Pisswell and Beefy have gone out to look 

for you in their cars".

"How long ago did they leave?"

"They left the pub 2 minutes ago but I don't have

 Ernie's number".

"Great. I have time to run back to the top of 

Commons Lane and flag them down. Coldtits,

 Piltdown Man and Georgy Porgy are already 

on the Longs' trail, down Commons Lane. We will 

 pick them up en route".

By this time, I am at the top of Commons lane, 

for the fifth time today, I do not have long to 

wait before the cavalry arrives....relief. 

This is in the guise of a bright yellow former 

AA van followed by Ernie and his new Audi. 

I tell Pisswell and Beefy to follow 

Ernie down Commons Lane and we'll pick 

everyone up.

It is not long before everyone is safely recovered

and deposited back at the Ness car park. 

Forrest had thoughtfully collected overcoats from other 

Hashers in the pub and deposited them in Ernie's car lest 

exposure be an issue. Thankfully, they are not 

required. Piltdown is miffed by the overly difficult trail 

and doesn't want to go to the pub, although Smellie 

needs to be collected. Georgy is too tired to care. 

Coldtits just fancies a drink.

Smellie phones again. Working comms this time. 

I give her an update and say that we'll be at the pub in 

5 minutes. No time to change, we jump in Piltdown's 

car and get dropped off at the pub. It is 10.30. 

Last orders have been called and we are being shuffled 

out the door before we've even got in. It is 10.35 

and time for some very late Down-Downs.

Down-Downs

Many have already gone home. Pork Torpedo thrusts a 

plastic half pint of ale into the hands of Man-Pig, 

Piltdown-Man and Beefy. No explanations are required.

Man-Pig's Down-Down is for an overly ambitious trail 

and poor sweeping.

Piltdown Man's is for getting overly delayed on trail.

Beefy's is for being part of the rescue party.

Pork Torpedo sings us an apt song but, for the life of me, 

I can't remember what it was. Meanwhile, 

Bluebird catches it all on film for posterity.

That concluded a most eventful evening. Well, not quite. 

 

There is something called The Management of 

Expectation. It is a curious thing and basically centres 

upon different people's perception and 

interpretation of identical information. 

 

I do not know what went on in the pub. 

I rather suspect that there would, inevitably, 

have been some leg pulling of Bluebird 

regarding an overly ambitious and potentially 

dangerous trail. At the other end of the spectrum,

several Hashers will have welcomed the challenge 

and onsidered it an excellent trail. 

 

Certainly the photos of the Hashers clambering over 

the rockfalls reveal smiling faces of Hashers 

relishing the challenge.

Bluebird had put a lot of thought and effort into planning 

tonight's trail. Initially, as a Hash summer BBQ 

and subsequently "The Rockfall Challenge". 

 

Bluebird lays more than his fair share of trails 

and he is also the first port of call when Hares are thin 

on the ground or something comes up at the last moment 

that prevents the original Hare from laying their trail. 

 

Basically, we all have a lot to thank Bluebird for

over the years. 

 

Yes, the trail was challenging. Yes, part of the 

nature of the Hash is leg pulling. 

Additionally, all Hashers are expected to give as 

good as they get in the leg-pulling stakes.

Bluebird. You are an eccentric old coot, but we love 

you because of who you are, not in spite of who 

you are. 

 

We all welcome your speedy return. The nature of 

the Teign Valley Hash is what it is because of 

people like you. 

 

Whilst I would never knowingly put someone's 

life at risk, I equally do not want Hashes to 

become overly sanitised to the point of being 

bland. We already live in a cosseting and intrusive 

nanny state. 

 

Monday night is our opportunity to break free of the 

cotton wool cocoon and enjoy Devon's great outdoors.....

rockfalls and all.

We will all miss you. Speedy and safe return, my friend.

Epilogue & lessons learned

 

Well that was a close call. At one point, seemingly trapped 

between the north and south Rock Flats, 

Georgy Porgy was on the verge of calling the coast guard. 

 

Thankfully, Coldtits encouraged Georgy to push 

on over the second rockfall and the temporary respite 

of the roped climb to higher ground. At least there 

would be no exposure to the incoming spring tide. 

 

If the coastguard had been called, you can bet your bottom 

dollar that there would have been an enquiry into the 

activities of the Hash and it might not have stopped at 

just TVH3 being under the microscope.

This is not the time for finger pointing, blame or

 recrimination. However, it is a timely opportunity 

for some introspection.

Most us know what Bluebird trails are likely to

comprise. They are frequently challenging. 

 

Any outdoor activity has an element of danger 

associated with it. It is up to us, individually, to 

decide for ourselves if we want to expose ourselves

to these potential dangers. 

 

Some exposure is as a result of the trail itself. 

Other exposure, maybe entirely down to individual 

behaviour and how we tackle the terrain below our 

feet. 

 

If we are going to charge down rocky ravine at full pelt, 

we can expect to:

a) eventually fall over

b) get hurt when you do fall

We are all adults and responsible for our own 

safety and, collectively, the safety of our fellow 

Hashers.

 

I do not want the nature of the Hash to change and

I certainly do want any outside interference with 

the Hash - even though it is likely to be dressed up

 by some well intentioned do-gooders as "....

It's in your own best interests". 

 

I am sure that none of us want the Hash to run the 

risk of being sanitised to the point of being bland, 

dull and boring.

I have had a look at the photos posted on the 

TVH3 Facebook page on Tuesday. All I see is 

happy smiling faces atop the rockfalls. 

 

Accordingly, I think it would be a fair assumption 

that the majority of the Hashers thoroughly enjoyed 

last night's trail. 

 

Yes, the clambering over the rockfalls was, at times, 

challenging, tiring and painful. However, that didn't 

prevent at least a dozen Hashers committing to 4 

more miles on the Long at the Long/Short split.

There is a well known saying: You can please some 

of the people all of the time. You can please all of the 

people some of the time. 

However, you will not be able to please all of the 

people all of the time. 

 

And so it is with the Hash. We do our best to 

accommodate an age range of between 6 and 80+,

male and female, and all of differing abilities. 

 

With the best will in the world we will not get it 

right every time - or for everyone. 

 

Please accept this as a fact of life.

Last night's trail was a typical Bluebird trail. 

Exciting, interesting, different........just plain 

Bluebird really. 

 

However, the clamber across the rockfalls is 

always slow and time is always going to be a factor 

in undertaking a trail of this nature.

Man-Pig was supposed to be doing the sweeping 

of both the Longs and the Shorts along the beach. 

I was aware that I had passed some Hashers on 

the beach straight after the smugglers' tunnel. 

 

Several times I looked behind me but I could see 

no-one.

 

I believed that everyone behind me had turned back

and done their own thing. 

 

As it was, Melon-Picker and I were at least 10 minutes 

behind all those ahead of us by the time we reached the

roped ascent to the Hidden Valley. 

 

As far as I was concerned, I had no reason to believe that 

there was anyone behind us.

The timeline of events shows that our three stranded

Hashers arrived at the rope ascent atthe northern end of 

the Rock Flats approximately three quarters of an 

hour after the sweeping Hare. 

 

This was nearly an hour after 

the arrival of the FRB's. 

 

The single reason for this huge discrepancy was the 

nature of the terrain. The rockfalls make for jolly 

slow going. 

 

Yes, I am guilty of not having swept properly. 

Equally, unless there are at least 3 Hares 

 (and I can't remember the last 

time that TVH3 had a 3 Hare trail) 

it is not realistic to expect the 2 Hares to comprehensively 

marshal a trail where there is an hour's difference 

between the FRB's and the tail-enders over exactly 

the same course. 

 

In this respect, I think that a certain amount of 

introspection is required.

We are all getting older and slower. We no longer 

have any members of the Hash whose daily routine 

includes undertaking the assault course at Lympstone.

 

We must be aware of our own limitations. Many 

of us like to push ourselves on the Hash, including 

me. 

 

Nevertheless, it is an unfair burden to place on 

the Hares to expect them to cater for every eventuality. 

 

This includes marshalling a 3 hour hash when it 

should have taken two hours.

However, all is not doom and gloom. Far from it. 

There is most definitely a silver lining to all of this. 

The camaraderie and support of the Hash is excellent. 

Special thanks must go to:

Ernie: for running on ahead to raise the alarm at the 

pub and then to jump in his car and come back out 

to recover the stranded trio.

Forrest-Stump: for his forethought in ensuring that 

Ernie took with him warm coats; remember our

 stranded Hashers were dressed for the summer. 

 

These thanks are, additionally, extended to all those 

who volunteered their fleeces, jackets and coats to the cause.

Beefy and Pisswell: for coming to the rescue in their

AA van. Fortunately, no-one had broken down.....

just running a little slower than usual. 

Last night there were heroes and victims. There were 

no villains, other than time. 

 

Last night we had a lucky escape. The coastguard was 

not called out. 

 

May I respectfully ask that both Hashers and Hares 

reflect on the events of last night going forward?

Thank you.

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Sea Trout 

with Hares - Bobbiball and Man-Pig.

On-On to next week.