DON'T SPILL A DROP!

TVH3 The Words for 24th July 2023

The Royal Oak, Dunsford  

 

Run No. 1979

HARES: Forrest Stump & Pisswell

Who wuz there: Forrest-Stump, Pisswell, U-Bend, Man-Pig, Wetfart, Archangel, Zoot, Hotlips, Ollie (Hotlips' son), Bluebird, Tamsin (Miss Ing), Wood-Lend, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beefy, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me, Big End & Daughter, Ned, Well Hopped, Fukarewe, Ernie, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Fallen Woman, Soapy, Palmolive, Melonpicker, Piddler, Strap-On and a young, fast returnee - also named Ollie.

Circle

In the absence of Shitfaced, U-Bend assumed the role of GM for the evening. Smellie announced that the next available slot for Haring was 25th September. 

Forrest was just about to explain the trail when Wood-Lend arrived late in a brand new Suzuki - very posh.

Eventually, some (mis)guidance from the Hare. The trail was laid in both sawdust and flour. Some parts of the trail were "out & back". Accordingly, blobs of flour or sawdust would be on both siders of the road or track. 

Distance wise....now listen very, very carefully....there was a very Short, a very very Short and a Walkers'. I didn't actually hear mention of a Medium or Longs but, apparently, 6 miles was mentioned. Then Pisswell chipped in that there would be both a drink stop and a sweetie stop but, and this is a BIG BUT, you had to bring your own cup. I don't think anyone had their own cup.

The Trail

Well, it's been a long, long time since we ran from the Royal Oak. 2015 to be precise. Would the run be equally as long. With the demon duo of Forrest-Stump and Pisswel as Hares the portents were that it would, indeed, be Long.....perhaps even longer than The Words.....well, not that Long!

So, where did we go? On a lot of virgin territory with some fantastic views. But it was long. Longer for some than others as we shall see.

We turned right out of the car park behind the pub and, in next to no time we cam to the Walkers/Long & Short split. A few yards further down our first check. 

The wide track up to the right looked promising. A promise that appeared to have been confirmed by Fukarewe returning from the other direction empty handed - obviously not on trail. Hence it had to be up this track. Most of the pack had already embarked in a northwesterly direction up towards Collarbridge led by Beeflicker. Backmarking FRB's were soon overtaking the rest of the pack. I only saw one mark but most of the pack were still in front of me and heading uphill. The Bird and I steadilly picked them off until we were on our own with just Beeflicker and Tamsin ahead of us.

It was at this point that we were just a little perturbed about the absence of marks. We could just see Beeflcicer and Tamsin ahead of us and we could still hear Hashers behind us. Sights fixed on the FRB, we were on a mission, marks or no marks. It had to be "on" this way. Myopically, we closed in on the slowing FRB's. in fact they had ground to a halt scratching their heads.

"Are we On?" enquired Beeflicker.

A perfectly reasonable request to which I honestly responded "Yes".

We carried on and on and up to the junction with a lane at Collarbridge; an ideal place for a check, or failing that, at least a dot. Nothing. Absolutely billy zip. Whilst we were navel gazing in disbelief Strap-On arrived.

"Maybe we are on Trail after all", I pondered. However, after a couple of minutes no-one else had arrived so back down it was. All the way back down into Dunsford where Pisswell was waiting for us. Sure enough, less than 150m from the start of the track there was, indeed, a cross in sawdust. The Bird and I were suspicious. Had this cross been put in AFTER we had commenced our ascent. we were convinced it had been. A glance at the Satnav, just under 1.5 miles and we still less less than 200m from the pub. We were also a long way behind and with little knowledge of what was yet to come.

A jolly Pisswell pointed us in the right direction and after only 50 yards (imperial measurements now) there was a Long/Short split.

"Surely Fukarewe can't have missed this", I thought. It turned out to be a bit of a spooky L/S split as the Shorts stayed on the road whilst the Longs ran in parallel along the raised pavement. A check had us go left. In front of us rose Bridford Woods. I had a strong feeling, "I bet we're going to the top of those woods...and they look quite high".

After another 250 yards an arrow had us going left, over a stile, and along a slightly overgrown footpath. The road that we had just run down had marks on both the left and the right. this would be the "Out & Back" part of the trail. The footpath then crossed a field and onto the Exeter-Mortenhampstead Road. Here we caught up with back markers Strap-On and Smellie. The ensemble now comprised Man-Pig, Bluebird, Tamsin, Smellie and Strap-On. Beeflicker was well gone. Somehow we'd lost the trail by the time we hit the road. Man-Pig checked right and found the "On-Home" marks for the Walkers. Time to check in the opposite direction. Sure enough an arrow had us crossing the road and joining the footpath behind "The Old Dairy".

 

 

"Stepping Stones!". Smellie took one look at them and hightailed it back to the pub......a wise decision. The Pig, with some considerable trepidation, made it nearly all the way across before bottling out and jumping into the river, bypassing the final two stones. Behind me shrieks. "I'm stuck Man-Pig. I'm stuck". The septuagenarian Bird had bitten off more than he could chew. this was not helped by him insisting on filming his dilemma and thereby becoming even more unbalanced. The Christian Pig, recalling his St Christopher's pendant from many years ago, jumped back in to hold the Birds's hand. Eventually, the Bird made it to the other side but had to resort to jumping into the river rather than risk the last two stones.

Tamsin made a far better go of it. she managed 50% of the stones unaided but eventually succumbed to the wet stuff. Finally, Start-On gave it a go. 50-50. Fifty percent goat and 50% duck as he leapt and then waddled his way to the far side of the Teign. By this time, Pisswell had arrived.

"Watch out for the wobbly rock".

"What wobbly rock?"

"The one you're next to".

Sure enough, it was a wobbler. But I hadn't noticed it when I'd been standing on it.

Into Bridford Woods and a check which had been kicked-out, inevitably uphill. Up we went on a well marked trail. Just as the track levelled off, another check kicked-out left and onto a track at the edge of the Woods just next to a transmitter. We could hear calling ahead of us. We ran through the farm at Woodland and then stopped. Not one cross but two, one on either side of the road. Off course, we stopped dead. But, no less than 50 yards ahead of us were the rest of the Longs and Shorts. this comprised: Fallen Woman, Big end, Ned, Big end's daughter, Well Hopped, Beeflicker, Wood-Lend, Pork Torpedo, Horny and Soapy. They were looking as perplexed as we were.

Eventually a call of "On-On", but from whom? We were on tarmac, good condition tarmac too, and skirting the lower edges of Copplestone Down. I was convinced that this was a private drive to an estate. it is only now, having looked at the OS map, that I can see that it is part of the public highway. It appears to be called Heath Road and it runs straight through the middle of Woodlands Farm.

At the edge of Copplestone Down, a Long/Short split had the Shorts turn right and onto a footpath that takes them across Lower Lowton Down, through Lowton Farm, thence onto Burnicombe before rejoining the Longs at Thorn Farm. At least, this is where it was supposed to go. Imagine Forrest's surprise to meet the Shorts at Plaston Green after they had been upto Helltor Rock.....a map reading error at Burnicombe methinks.

Meanwhile, back on the Longs, the Pig and the Bird caught up with Beefy and Wood-Lend at Windhill Cross. At Windhill Cross farm, we found the track blocked by an ambulance. We thought that this was the promised drink stop and that Pisswell had, somehow purloined a krankenwagon from Torbay Hospital. Not so, a real ambulance and really broken down...in the middle of nowhere. The trail was now pretty much on the ridgeline (at 930 ft above sea level) dead straight and heading due west along Neadon Lane towards Plaistow Green. In fact, it was so straight that I caught my first glimpse of Beeflicker in 5 miles.

At the junction with Lowton Lane, the Bird bailed out. He bee-lined off-trail and down Lowton Lane. He is a thirsty man and he didn't want to miss last orders. 

The Pig followed Beeflicker, Beefy and Wood-Lend, only just ahead of Tamsin...she was doing really well. We were already at the 6 mile marker when we came to an in and out arrow. This was a jolly jaunt up to Heltor Rock and our second viewpoint en trail. A quick photo shoot with Beefy and we were off again. 

At Plaston Green, a vaguely familiar shape appeared. A silver Peugeot estate. It was Forrest-Stump but there was no beer and no sweets. Apparently, they had been at Heltor but we hadn't seen them. 

Forrest said that the Shorts had been through, although they shouldn't have been on this part of the trail. The check had been kicked out, and Forrest confirmed the route as along the lane towards Lower Heltor and then take the second footpath on the right.

We saw an arrow, in sawdust, pointing down a slightly overgrown footpath. Not having clocked another footpath, we assumed that this must be the first footpath and ignored it. 

We carried on into Middle Heltor but found nothing. It was just the Pig, Beefy and Tamsin forming the backmarkers on the Longs. Wood-Lend and Beeflicker were now out of sight but we did wonder if we would catch up with the Shorts but we never did.

The final part of the trail was almost all downhill - thankfully. Heltor had been the highest point. The early parts of this footpath had a dense tree covering and it was now decidedly tipsy. We didn't really need to be out much longer. It was bang on 9pm. 

The trail took us through a small wood and then took a right and downhill across open pasture before dropping back into Bridford Wood. 

A long, but simple descent, on a wide track had us back on the main road at Steps Bridge. But not for long. A final LS/W split had the Walkers remain on the main road whilst the Longs and the Shorts were back into Bridford Woods for the third, and final,  time. 

Eventually, we came to a kicked out check, but it was kicked out uphill. We also came to an arrow, in flour, that was pointing in the direction we'd just come. The logical explanation is that the last leg of the Longs & Shorts return trail was, in fact, the Walkers' outward trail. A sharp left turn had us running downhill and back to the stepping stones that we'd battled with nearly 2 hours past!

We backtracked the outward trail the short distance to the pub. It was almost 9.30. Surely Forrest would have pushed on and completed the Down-Downs by now?

Actually a fantastic trail and a whole load of virgin territory too. So well done Forrest and Pisswell. Additional congratulations to Tamsin for completing all the Longs including the early 1.5 mile fools' errand.

Down-Downs

No. It was 9.45 and the Down-Downs had not been done and the food was still coming out of the kitchen. I was amazed that Smellie was still standing. She must have been in the pub a good hour and a half before the final longs had returned!

Forrest nominated the Pig to conduct proceedings but there was a proviso. The Down-Downs had to be done outside as absolutely no beer was to be spilt on the carpet. 

A light rain had started to fall so some Kissengeresque diplomacy from Forrest won Julie (the landlady) round. We would be allowed to do the Down-Downs inside BUT DON'T SPILL ANY ON THE CARPET!

First up was Smellie. She had two awards from last week. The first one was the birthday hat. There was some discussion about marks and double crosses and hazardous stepping stones. Which of the Hares was to blame? Pisswell or Forrest? Forrest of course. Pork Torpedo offered us the Aladdin's Lamp ditty.

Next up was Strap-On. He had the Jester's hat. There was only one contender. Strap-On regails the story of whingeing and whining in the extreme. The flightless Bird had alighted upon a stepping stone mid-river and could not get off. What a dreadful wail. It was ten times worse than someone learning the bagpipes. What made things even worse was that it went on for ages. So much so that the Pig had to swim to the rescue of someone who is old enough to know better. A down-down for the stranded Bird.

Ablesemen had the third award. After putting Forrest in the frame for another half, Forrest stepped forward to relate the saga of the stepping stones. 'For sheer effort and determination, Able gets the vote!' Bacardi Hat back to Able. Cue Sngmeister with 'Love me Tender' before Able spills nary a drop. All three DD's supped and a clean sheet - as well as a dry carpet.

Finally, the Hashshit shirt. This has spent the past 5 minutes on the floor of the pub, allegedly saving the carpet from dribbles of beer from the Down-Downs. The shirt was so filthy that it would have been far better to risk the dribbles. Nevertheless, Smellie recovered the biohazard from the floor and giave us a little story. 

One of our senior Harriets did ever so well. She was on the Shorts but, in fairness, this was quite a long Short. So long, in fact, that she sneaked a lift back to the pub with the Hare! 

The final Down-Down goes to Fallen Woman to the accompaniment of Pork Torpedo's Aladdin's Lamp. She carefully drank most before abruptly walking back to her chair to drink the rest! That hash gent Forrest stepped in to finish the half. 'He's always been my hero.' said FW.

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Ship, Cockwood with Hares Piltdown Man and Georgy Porgy.

On-On to next week.

DOWN-DOWNS FROM THE ROYAL OAK

 

'I KNOW WHERE I AM.'

 Way, way off course - of course, the beat-up and bedraggled Bird has just hit the main road and the six mile marker. A familiar sign is spotted - the same one he passed driving to Dunsford. At least it's all back on road.

FRB's ON A FOOL'S ERRAND

 At the first check, Fukarwi was seen returning from one direction, and with two marks seen up the off-road path, the game looked on on. Beeflicker, Man-Pig, Miss 'Inn and BB assumed FRB role, but, they were on a fool's errand.

CIRCLE FROM THE ROYAL OAK CP

 

'HELP, MAN-PIG, I'M STUCK!'

 As you may be aware, Bluebird and water do not mix. Remember the time he fell in crossing another moorland river and his cam got washed away? Remember the time Beefy dropped him in Galmpton Creek? 

This dread evening, the stepping stones were wet, the river was running fast, and, ultimately, the Bird's nerve failed.

Thanks, MP, for realizing that I really was stuck and coming back to assist.

The annals will record the awful event, and in years to come, hashers will watch again and think:

What a Wally!

ADVENTURE APLENTY ON FORREST'S HASH

 Circle, on trail and Down-down videos to follow shortly.

ERNIE ON STEROIDS & BORN AGAIN BEEFY

THEBIRDISTHEWORD

Entertaining and innovative though they Shirley were, the hare's grid word search on Facebook did not provide an account of Soapy and Melon Picker's excellent trail from the Star at Liverton on run #1978.

For the tiny band of words junkies out there, herewith are a few highlights of the Star's trail.

 

If you had asked me Friday or Saturday, I would have hardly dared thought it possible to make #1978. 

 

However, my circumstances changed for the better on Monday to enable making the relatively short excursion out to Liverton.

 

A beautiful evening and no excuses for the fair weather hashers not to venture out. 

 

The list may not be complete, but I spotted these hashers at the circle: Teapot, Piltown, Georgy, Forrest, Woodlend, Man-Pig, Pisswell, Beefy, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, U Bend, Cheerio, Hornie, Pork Torpedo, Well Hopped, Big End, Archangel, Shitfaced, Wetfart, Zoot, Hotlips, Smellie, Palmolive, Polyfella, Beeflicker, Slip on Me, SatNav, Miss 'Inn (Tamsin), Ernie and a gent who seemed to be with Zoot and Hotlips. Roughly 31 or 32, I estimate.

 

There was talk of a sweetie stop and marks in various media but the most important detail I always listen for is the distance of the long. Six miles is a maximum, any further and injury beckons. Tonight's long was (accurately) predicted to be 5.5 - 6 miles so a full bank of green go lights.

 

Unless I have a warm-up jog, lethargic is the dinosaur, and tonight was no exception but not having run since the previous week's 7 mile epic from the Monks Retreat, I wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary.

 

The FRB's were away and gone before Man-Pig and I hit the main road, and then the twinges in the knee started and MP receded into the distance. 

 

Shuffled well to the rear, I teamed up with Forrest and Muttley and progress was resumed albeit via walking and jogging. 

 

Up ahead, two black-attired hashers came into vision. I took them to be Well Hopped and Big End, but as we closed, they turned out to be U Bend and Cheerio! Should have gone to...

 

A long gentle climb on tarmac got the lawnmower engine started again and I was slightly more optimistic of continuing on the long.

 

A hard a port junction and, just as I was climbing a gate, I caught a fleeting glimpse of a red vested hasher in front. Ernie! Gotcha! and the lawnmower revved furiously as the faded blue Archaeopteryx set off in pursuit.

 

A quarter of a mile later, the red vested figure was serenely drawing away - what?! It cannot be, Ernie on steroids?  

From an elevated position in the fields, I caught sight of a trail of hashers crossing a mown field - HA! They all were going the long way round - time to head 'em off at the pass, padre.

 

Blast it! There was Beefy, born again FRB, with phone camera in hand, and he had only spotted the SC'ing Bird and was taking aim - whatamistakathebirdmada! The photographic evidence would later be presented to the jury and gleeful would be the Birdbaiters. Sigh...

 

The awful truth was revealed - it wasn't Ernie I had been chasing, it was Polyfella, also red t-shirt attired, yes, really should have gone to..

Suddenly, we found ourselves in the middle of Stover golf course and shorts and longs had come together - Shirley a triumph for the hares so late in the trail.

 

Back in business Bird threw in a sub 9 minute mile but Beefy followed effortlessly before pressing on for the sweetie stop.

 

The FRB's comprising Big End, Well Hopped, Polyfella, Wood Lend, Man-Pig, Beeflicker and Beefy had assembled and were rifling the sweetie bag.

 

We were close to the ranch house now and just the maze of paths through Stover park to navigate to earn a beer or two.

 

The Bird homing device failed miserably as I told Wood Lend it was left for the pub as he pointed right - and he was right!

 

A brief melee ensued as hashers came back on themselves but the Bird saw Man-Pig continuing and wisely headed for the exit. Five point five mies in the bag and the knee twinges had gone - result!

 

Thank you hares, great trail.

FORREST UPDATE REGARDING FOOD MONDAY

The Royal Oak will take orders at the circle (but would appreciate orders before if possible) but only for beef burgers and chips , vegetable lasagna , beef lasagna and cod and chips.

Tester!

 This is the first of many! Testing to see if this works! On On Shitfaced 

COMMENTS ENABLED

Look at the foot of each post to find the time stamp, author (Grand Master and Wigwam able to post) and comments box. Gradually remembering  how the template was set up a few years ago. Keep checking, as the revamp is not yet complete.

ADVANCE NOTICE - NEXT MONDAY'S HASH

Hash menu for next Monday 24th July from the Royal Oak at Dunsford.

You will be able to book before the circle but Forrest informs that the pub would really appreciate orders early - Monday during the day, hopefully. 

Thank you. Their telephone:   01647 252256

Spicy bean burger served with chips (Ve) £8.95 (+cheese £1)

Beef burger served with chips £9.95 (+cheese £1)

Home cooked ham egg & chips (Large/small portion) £9.45/7.95

Battered cod chips and peas (Large/small portion) £9.45/7.95

Beef lasagne (with garlic bread or salad)

£8.95 Vegan/Vegetable lasagne (with garlic bread or salad) (V) £9.45 Chicken goujons with chips & peas/salad £9.95

Scampi with chips & peas/salad £9.95

Pies (All served with chips/new potatoes & salad/petit pois) Steak & ale, Chicken leek & hamhock, Mushroom & spinach (V) All £11.45

MAIN WEBSITE UPGRADE & REVAMP

After chatting to Wetfart, who is not on Facebook, I have had a thought about the relevant importance of our two sites: the Facebook page and our main website at http://www.teignvalleyh3.com

We pay a yearly sum for the domain but for a few years now, it has merely ticked over and has really only served to announce each week's hash location.

 

Long term hashers may recall the glory days of http://www.preconderotous.blogspot.com (2007 - 2013 now mothballed) a dual-purpose site which included many hundreds of images, reports and video clips of TVH3.

 

Before that, Flowery Twats (Steve Wilbraham) blazed the trail with his excellent members interactive website which was at the forefront of technology at that time.

 

I am presently upgrading and revamping the website - slowly, as I have to relearn much of the HTML incorporated a decade ago on a custom imported template.

 

Some of the content will be reposted on the FB page but much of it will remain unique to the website to encourage hashers to shift their focus.

 

 

You will, like FB, be able to post comments, and an added benefit will be that anyone will be able to view the content and thus encourage new members.

DOWN-DOWNS FROM THE STAR #1978

 

SWEETIE STOP Hash #1978

 

TRAIL BRIEFING FROM THE STAR

 

TOUR DE PANZER

It's what you've all been waiting for, and here it is, the grand Tour of Bobby Woll's new panzerkampfwagen. 

I'M SINGIN' IN THE RAIN & A TALE OF TWO TWITTIES

The Monks' Retreat, Broadhempston

 

Run No. 1977 11 July 2023

 

HARES: Fukarewe & Prickley Bush aided by Pole Dodger

 

Who wuz there: Fukarewe, Prickly Bush, Pole Dodger, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Archangel, Cheerio-Beerio, Threesum, Bluebird, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beefy, Pisswell, Broadshit, Scott, Coldtits, Beeflicker, Ned, Well Hopped, Ernie, Wetfart, U-Bend, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Soapy, Melon Picker, Satnav, Piddler, returnees Rent Boy & Diane, Ollie and plethora of local newbies recruited by the Hare including a chap with a brolly; in total 50!

 

Circle

The forecast was grim - a 90% chance of rain at 7pm. For a change the forecast was correct. It was, therefore, a huge surprise that the pack had swollen to 50! The reason for the huge pack was due to a recruitment drive in the village by the Hares. Such was the success of their recruitment drive, I can only assume that the new faces were all pleurophiles. It was wet and was going to get much wetter.

 

Smellie put out a call for a volunteer Hare for 31 July. Piltdown Man had a final plug for TVH's Grand Day Out on Saturday - an all day A to B style trail. Let's hope that it's a tad drier on Saturday. In addition, Soapy advertised the Turkish meal in Newton Abbot after the run.

 

The Hare then stepped into the huge circle to describe the run. The Walkers' trail would be about 3 miles. The Shorts' 3.5 and the Longs' around 5 miles. Great. We should all be back in the pub just after 8.30. The sooner the better as it was beginning to pelt down. 

 

Furthermore, there would be not one, but two, sweetie stops and three Long/Short splits. The marks could either be in sawdust, chalk or flour.....if any are still left?

 

The Trail

Our local virgins were a mixed bunch. At one end of the spectrum we clearly had some FRB'ing athletes. At the other end of the spectrum, we had some seniors who would, no doubt, be tackling the trail at a more leisurely pace. These were interspersed with everything in-between.

 

Local folklore has it that Broadhempston has four roads in but only three out! Local knowledge would come in useful.

 

The trail started by passing the the village car park and entrance to the new village hall to our left before arriving at the first Long/Short split. 

 

The Shorts' went right and down Small Lane. The Longs' continued onwards and an arrow took us right and though a gate into what appeared to be allotments. I'm not sure if I'd been in there before.

 

Having navigated our way around the allotment, we found ourselves on New Lane heading back into the village. We passed the Coppa Dollar and almost missed the arrow that took us down and then up Daniel's Lane and onto Wotten Way.

 

At this point, we began to catch up with the Shorts'. This included our returnees from Spain, Rent Boy and Diane. 

 

A left and then a right and we were heading uphill on the "main" road that would eventually take you back to Ipplepen. We passed Scott and Broadshit just before arriving at the hairpin left hander where Prickly Bush and Pole Dodger ensured that we didn't end up in Ipplepen as they guided us onto a public footpath.

 

Up and across two fields and past the transmitter and then into a small plantation atop a hill we went until encountering a check. 

 

Some had gone straight ahead. Erection, a seasoned Hasher, stood by the check whilst the Pig and the Bird took the right hand fork.

 

On-On, even though both tracks arrive at the same place.

 

We exited the plantation on high ground. In front, we could see the FRB's down below. A couple of FRB's had gone to the right and were now running back to the left. Big mistakatomaka as some, but not all, eventually found out.

 

We had done this trail a couple of times before, but usually from the other direction. I think the last time we did it was on a Wet-Johnny trail. The obvious route would have been to the left and back to Broadhempston via Torbryan. 

 

Halfway down the slope there is a stile and a field boundary/fence. This was the last mark that I saw for almost 20 minutes.

 

Sheeplike, the Bird and I followed the pack down onto the lane at Ambrook. Quite a few FRB's were on the lane looking for non-existent marks and some had already hightailed it towards Poole Cross.

 

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Wet-Johnny was convinced that this was similar to one of his trails but in reverse. The FRB'ing Broadhempstoners thought likewise including our be-brollied Dutchman. It was full speed ahead to Poole Cross. At the back of the FRB's were Erection, Wet-Johnny, Well Hopped, Ned, Man-Pig and Bluebird. 

 

Something was amiss. NO MARKS!

 

The Pig and the Bird had an uneasy feeling and slowed. By the time we reached Poole Cross, all the FRB's were out of sight except Erection. Had they gone left or right? Road all the way back to Broadhempston or via Torbryan? 

 

Erection made the decision to make a beeline back to Broadhempston via road. The Bird and Pig checked out towards Torbyan. Nothing. No marks. No calling. No returning Hashers off-trail.

"Let's follow Erection and see if we find marks" suggested the Piggy one. After 500m we found nothing apart from a solitary blob of four. But this was in the middle of the road. It was definitely flour but is didn't look like a mark.

 

"OK. Back to the last mark at the field boundary above Ambrook".

 

The Bird wrung out about a pound of water from his singlet. The Pig re-donned his Ron Hill waterproof....don't know why, and back to Ambrook we jolly well trotted. Here we came across Shitfaced and friend just about to backtrack the Longs'.

 

"Are you on trail?" asked the Pig.

 

"Yes. I think so. We've only just come out of the field 20 yards back".

 

Sure enough, 50 yards further on there was a second footpath exiting onto the lane. What was more, most of the local Walkers' trail were coming down it. 

 

The penny dropped. At the fenced field boundary we should have gone right and not left. Beeflicker should have stuck to his guns as he was on trail.

 

Although backtracking the Longs' outward trail was tempting we elected to run the marked trail....but where on earth were the other FRB's? There had to be at least 7 or 8 hashers off trail in the Torbryan area.

 

We soon found sawdust and then more sawdust. We were definitely back on trail after nearly 20 minutes lost at sea. Were we still FRB's? Was everyone else off trail? 

 

At Fishacre Cross it was right and up past Fishacre Barton. We had got our eye in and we could see plenty of sawdust now. Perplexingly however, this was now in the middle of the road - perhaps to avoid any gully water washing them away.

 

We headed northwest and uphill towards Broadhempston. Occasionally, we could see a splash of flour in the hedge augmenting the sawdust. Hallelujah!. The sweetie stop and a Long/Short split. We arrived just as Coldtits was leaving.

 

"Have you seen the Longs'?" the Pig asked Fukarewe.

"Yes. Smellie, Beefy etc have already been through".

"What about Wet-Johnny?'

"No".

"Ahhhhh. You might not be seeing him or any more of the FRB's. They were last seen heading towards Torbryan!"

".......and haven't returned?" enquired the slightly incredulous Hare.

 

"Nope" I perceived that the Hare was making a mental note for the recipient of a Down-Down.

 

"I will stay here for 10 minutes just in case they get back on trail", announced Fukarewe. What a stalwart but, if I was a betting man, I would wager that we would be the last to arrive at the sweetie stop.

 

The Hare gave the bedraggled back markers some directions and we trotted down the bridal path at Hollycombe Green. We ignored the third and final Long/Short split across a field of corn and joined the highway at Slipperstone Cross. 

 

Fukarewe had told us to do a dogleg left and then right at this juncture. This would have taken us down to Bow Cross and then back into Broadhempston via Bow Mill Farm and Millclose Linhay.

 

We were soaked through and parts of Hollycombe Green had been decidedly dipsy. Hence we turned north and up past Lowmans Farm, encountering Fukarewe again at Stoop Cross. We were pretty much home.

 

What a trail (for those that were on it)? Made all the better because of the rain!

 

And now, with apologies to Charles Dickens and Alfred, Lord Tennyson, we bring to you:

 

A Tale of Two Twitties by Bird Sickens

 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, as Bird Sickens wandered lonely as a cloud way way down in the boondocks of despair that was the blighted land of the Fukarwi tribe.

 

Nosing into the obviously misnamed Broadhempston, a mighty host of rain-jacketed hashers appeared. Having been cut off from the civilized world for five days, Bird Sickens was unaware of the forecast deluge, emerging from the silver chariot clad in shorts and singlet... whatamistakatomaka.

 

The NeverEnding Story circle spiel was tedious, and the Rain god on high began to weave his mischief as, finally, the host got underway beneath leaden skies.

 

All was uneventful until the two mile marker and the Tale of Two Twitties unfolded.

 

Captain Johnny's Twitties

 

There were some tasty virgins out there. A group of five or six smashed onto tarmac with narrowed eyes and snorting steam.

 

in the absence of a check, and not waiting for the scouts to the right to return, they veered left.

Johnny had laid a trail from these parts before and believed it must be left. The die was cast and there would be no turning back. 

 

A half a mile later, and still nary a mark to be seen, Johnny's Twitties were undeterred in their quest for everlasting foolishness. 

 

The last sighting had them closing fast with Denbury village green.

 

Singalong with me:

When Wet Johnny comes marching home again

Hurrah! Hurrah!
We'll give him a hearty welcome then
Hurrah! Hurrah!
The men will cheer and the boys will shout
The ladies they will all turn out
And we'll all feel gay

When Wet Johnny comes marching home.

 

No? Well please yourselves then - you usually do.

 

Colonel Man-Pig's Twitties

Meanwhile, the rearguard of the Colonel and Bird Sickens had followed Captain Johnny's ill-fated foray in the fond belief that marks had been seen.

 

With every furlong covered, a deeper suspicion formed in the mind of Colonel Man-Pig. The rain intensified and Bird sickened even more. He began to edge furtively back from whence he had come but was halted in his retreat as the Colonel bellowed: 'Come on, let's check out the Torbryan road!' sigh...

 

Half a league, half a league,

Half a league onward,

All in the valley of Death

Rode the Colonel and Bird Sickens.

Someone had blundered.

Theirs not to make reply,

Theirs not to reason why,

Theirs but to hash and die.

 

The Colonel had a set of wheels that just wouldn't quit. 

 

Leaving the bedraggled and soaking wet Bird at Giraffe junction, he coursed back in the other direction.

A brief eureka moment faded away as Man-Pig called the Bird to investigate a strange white mark in the road. 

 

A lesser hasher would have headed for the salvation of the pub but Colonel Man-Pig was on a quixotic mission and he was going to find the trail even if hell did bar the way.

 

And find it Don Quixote and his faithful companion Sancho Panza Shirley did.

 

Many twists and turns later, in heavy rain and non-existent light, the Colonel and Bird Sickens made the haven of the Monks Retreat. 

 

Shirley Valentine a Night to Remember.

 

Down-Downs

The Hare and co-Hare were keen to get the Down-Downs underway whilst most of the visiting locals were still in the pub. They also had some suggestions for those who were deserving of a Down-Down. Hence, push on with the Down-Downs. But first a question posed by the RA:

 

"What happened in 1977?"

 

Beefy immediately answered with, "The Queen's Silver Jubilee" - correct.

 

The pub made us enormously welcome. In fact, Fukarewe had enticed them to open especially for us. Splendid.

 

Accordingly the RA commenced proceedings by:

1. Thanking the pub for opening

2. Thanking the pub for providing the scoff

3. Thanking the pub for such pretty bar staff (the silver tongued lounge lizard strikes again)

4. Most importantly, thank the pub for the beer

Cheers all round.

 

What did we think of the trail? "Too dry". Obvious really.

 

On to the Down-Downs.

Satnav had had a Down-Down the previous week so she came up with the story of one of our visitors taking the initiative. He would avoid the rain by running with a brolly. Big mistaka. Pisswell had just given the RA a child's wellington boot resurfacing again from the previous week's hash at the Rugglestone.The RA then delighted in pouring a half pint of beer into the toddler's welly for him to down accompanied by Pork Torpedo reciting 'Why was he born so beautiful...'

 

Next up was Smellie who had the birthday cake hat. She commenced by asserting that a Hasher had almost caused a diplomatic incident before even clearing passport control in Poland the previous week. This was Man-Pig who was simply practicing the name of a local brand of beer. However, if mispronounced it means nipples or tits. The Pig had already received a down-down for this in Poland so he wasn't getting a second one. Tonight's story went back a fortnight to the Hash from the Parkers Arms. 

 

Those of you on Facebook will recall that the Hash's David Bailley (aka Beefy) posted a photo of Smellie with the caption, "Back end of a bus". Hence Beefy was awarded a Down-Down for a crime against womanhood with the rendition of the faulty Aladdin's lamp ditty.

 

Co-hare Prickly Bush had a story about a local virgin who had committed the most heinous of crimes....and on her first hash. This was awarded to local girl Polly for getting a lift back in a car. Pork Torpedo let rip with his particular rendition of "Love me tender"....oh dear!

 

Finally, the Hare got his revenge for waiting for ages for those that did not come. Fukarewe awarded the final Down-Down to Wet-Johnny for taking 50% of the Longs' off trail on a DIY route around Torbryan....with not a mark in sight. Wet-Johnny, you know better than that. Pork Torpedo came up with "The Grand Old Duke of York".

 

A big "Thank you" to the Hares for laying a pretty good trail in atrocious conditions and for going over and above the call of duty in arranging the pub on a night when it's usually closed. In fact we enjoyed it so much that next week's Hare threatened to change the venue!

 

Thankyou all for coming and the contribution made by the indigenous virgin Hashers. We hope that you enjoyed it. 

 

Please come again.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Star, Liverton with Hares Melon Picker and Soapy.

 

On-On to next week!

A VERITABLE TOUR DE MOOR

Run #1976 Monday 3rd July 

 

from the Rugglestone Inn

 

Hare: Pisswell assisted by Beefy

 

 

 

Who wuz there: U Bend, Wet Johnny, Gianluca, BroadS, Scott, Pork Torpedo, Hornie, Pisswell, Beefy, Ernie, Fukarwi, BeeFlicker, Fallen Woman, Wetfart, Able, Archangel, Big End, Well Hopped, ThreeSum, SatNav, Zoot, Hotlips, Teapot, Forrest, Slip on Me, Cheerio Beerio, BB, Soapy, Melonpicker and possibly an unknown Lunatic attendee.

 

Preamble

Amble was the word as mine silver chariot climbed towards the moor from Goodmans Cross. Amble became shambles as around a corner a column of crawling chariots appeared. At the head of affairs, the culprit and cause was a tractor pulling a loaded trailer of hay bales.

 

For the next threequarters of a mile, we proceeded at a snail's pace, and anxiously did I look at my chronograph. In my wing mirror, a blue van appeared - Pork Torpedo and Hornie but they had timed it rather better and were delayed for only about half a mile. 

 

At Cold East Cross, the abomination mercifully turned off but the Bird predictably became disorientated and slewed across the junction letting the Torpedo bus through. Blast it, Blaster!

Wandering sheep slowed us a tad on the approach to Widecombe but we made it bang on time for the circle. Olé, Ollie!

 

Circle

With a Polish expeditionary force comprising Man-Pig, Bobby Woll, Piltdown, Georgy and Smellie, numbers were expected to be on the low side. However, thirty intrepid hashers assembled for Pisswell's Tour de Moor.

 

Preparing my old tech of an ancient 2006 Xacti minicam, I missed the circle spiel but believe U Bend was pressed into service with the GM and Piltdown missing. 

 

Pisswell then outlined the plan of action: 2.2 miles for the walkers, about 4 miles for the shorts and 'possibly' a long of 5.5 miles - all distances to be taken on board with caution - and with the knowledge that a mile on the moor was Shirley going to be more arduous than its flat tarmac equivalent.

Go with whatever deity you trust, and the hash caravan moved towards the exit of the car park.

Over to Pisswell for her 'Widecombe Fools on the hill'

 

The Fool on the Hill

Song by The Beatles Lyrics Day after day

https://youtu.be/6Hlw_9ldThs

I recced this hill

The girl with the welly boots is keeping quiet until The circle.

Who wants to wear them?

They can see that she's not a fool

And she risk assessed the danger

But the fools on the hill sees their friends going down

As we cross Venton mire, see them sink in the ground!

Up the Rugg rock, just past the Inn

We wade through the virgin bog and follow where she has been

They squelch up to Bovey rock and, the split takes the longs to Pil tor

If lost you had took no notice

But the fools on Top Tor see the shorts running down

And the walkers as well, as they short cut around.

Instrumental

And everyone goes to Bonehill, whilst they all chose what they must do

They’re on, up the track to Chinkwell

But the fools on Honeybags, see the rest going down

As they reach the ha ha, see the trail turning ‘round

More instrumental

And all over Bell to Bone hill, they know they’re the same old fools

More virgin ground is seen there

And Higher Northway farm hosts the hash through their ground

See the pond and the bridge, to the pub we are bound.

Instrudrivingyoumental

Yes, the fools on the hill,

See the sun going down

As they go to the Rugg

And join in the down downs

Instruhashersdrivingyoumental

Yes, no fools lost on the hill

Missing pints going down

As the fools from the hash

Win awards that abound.

 

Pisswell added: The bracken bashing was worth it and the Rugglestone and owners of Higher Northway and Northway have to be thanked for their virgin territory.

 

It went much better than I expected and combined as a lunatic hash! Loved the little welly boot and was great to speak to the people in Poland who all sent tbeir love mid hash! 

 

Hope you enjoyed it? Pisswell x

 

The Tour de Moor by the Bird on the hill

 

After a hundred yards, I knew it wasn't going to happen. The legs felt like lead and breathing was difficult. Wet Johnny and Gianluca were right behind and chatting away. If I knew then what I knew an hour later, I might have adjourned to the bar. 

 

But what the heck, it was an adventure and quitting was not an option.

 

The silly sod HA HA at the start, cruelly directed with arrows, gave the shorts and walkers a nice little start but they created a log-jam in the lower boondocks as the longs sought a way through. I simply could not go with Big End and Well Hopped, and if anything, started to feel worse.

 

The steep hill out of Widecombe loomed large in the crosswires with the trail running parallel. I had seen this game many times before and much preferred the tarmac ascent.

 

After briefly linking up with Big End and Well Hopped, I decided to keep to the road to keep an eye on proceedings as there was no way Pedro that I could do the long trail.

 

Below me, I espied the shorts and walkers, led by U Bend crossing the B3387 - Shirley a good indicator that the longs would have to cross as well later on.

 

Tacking across (SCB), I made contact with the longs headed by BeeFlicker along with Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Fukarwi and Ernie. Not far off were Broads, Scott and Beefy.

 

A camping gent emerged from his tent to have a chat as BeeFlicker took a photo from on top of a tor.

Back down to the main road we journeyed where Pisswell was waiting, and I asked for the exit strategy.

At Bonehill Rocks, we caught sight of the shorts about to disappear into the bracken and Pisswell called out to them: 'Do you want to do the rest of the short?' 

 

There was quite a pause until U Bend replied: 'No.' I knew how he felt, it was a beaut of an evening, the scenery was heaven-like but we had nearly been out for an hour and the bar beckoned Bertie.

 

Down to the farm and passing Hornie and SatNav having a natter, and then Able and Slip on Me with Fallen Woman up ahead.

 

I needed the chequered flag quite badly now - that little old pensioner plucked from a park bench was looking like Superman and Able had to slow up a little for me to keep up.

 

Ah, the main road and the cut across the field to the Rugglestone. Nearly five miles covered but boy, that Legend tasted good.

 

Some time later, the longs dribbled back. Remarkably, BeeFlicker not only completed the 6.6 moor miles but had run up to Widecombe as well, covering double figures in the process. Good job he's an ultra runner.

 

The longs did well on what would be about a ninety minuter. I wasn't surprised with Big End and Well Hopped but Fukarwi, Ernie, Broads and Scott had a really good workout.

 

Downdowns

Covered by video, all nine minutes.

 

Birdlogue

Looking back on the evening, I am glad I made the effort to get out. It was unfortunate that I was unable to do the long but I had a great time nevertheless.

 

Finally, an apology to Wetfart (non Facebook subscriber). In the car park, he asked if I had forgotten to put the road closure on the website. Guilty. I had meant to do it but if you don't do it immediately, it'll be forgotten. Sorry Wetfart.

 

Next week

Confirming that it will be Fukarwi's hash from his local, the Monks Retreat at Broadhempston. Details to follow.

 

ON ON to next week!