1ST APRIL HASH

 

Run #2014 Monday 1st April circle up 7:15 pm from King William IV, 45 Fore St, Totnes TQ9 5HN with hare Smellie.

Dress code: Wear something silly!

Parking at Victoria car park (free from 6 pm) or nearby on the Plains.

TVH3 The Words for 25th March 2024

 

The Park Inn, Kingskerswell

 

Run No. 2013 - Awards Night

 

HARES: Beeflicker (official) & Squeaky Bum (actual)

 

Who wuz there: Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Shitfaced, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Archangel, Forrest-Stump, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Shay, Warmfront, Beefy, Pisswell, Well Hopped, Roger the Dodger, Wet-Johnny, Manopause, Strap-On, Ernie, Fukarewe, U-Bend, Piddler, Coldtits, Slip-on-Me, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Tamsin, Wetfart, Threesum, Hotlips, Zoot, Melonpicker & Soapy.

 

Circle

A cold and damp evening welcomed us to the Park Inn for the Teign Valley Hash House Harriers Awards' Evening 2023. 

 

There was a light rain as a very well-dressed Shitfaced commenced the Circle-Up. The GM's dress sense rather implied that he would not be running. The pause in his welcoming address made some Hashers think that they'd lost their sense of hearing. 

 

Regaining his memory, and already with mandatory pint in hand, Shitfaced advised that there was a chilli laid on by the pub as it was The Awards Night. Nevertheless, any donations into the pot would be welcome and any shortfall would be made good by the Hash. It would be a short trail as, tonight, time would be of the essence.

 

Over to the Harerazor - Smellie needs Hares for 15th and 29th April. Additionally, Smellie would be Hare for next week's April Fools' Hash so wear something silly!

 

Some comments were made regarding Teapot and his release from Pyscho's clutches at Newton Abbot hospital. This had been scheduled for last Friday. 

 

After the Awards, Wetfart imparted the following news to be included in the Words. 

 

Last Friday, Teapot was assessed so as to ascertain if he was well enough to be allowed to return home. Hoorah! He passed and made his way home on Friday - complete with bell so that he can call on Mrs Teapot to wait on him hand and foot. I don't Mrs Teapot is too impressed with the bell. Nevertheless, Teapot is delighted to be home. 

 

He has also asked Wet Fart to convey his heartfelt thanks for everyone's support from the Hash. Whether that be those that sent cards, chocolates, phoned or visited, or simply welcomed him back to the Hash for Burns' Night. Teapot has been in hospital quite a long time time and that can, eventually, become depressing. Your calls, cards and visits have really cheered him up and for that he is sincerely grateful. 

 

Hopefully, the next time we see him he will be back in the Circle.....and soon, although his mobility issues will take some time to improve.

 

So, over to the Hare and tonight's trail. Beeflicker advised that it was going to be a 3-2-1 trail. Three miles for the Longs, and it would be muddy out there; 2 miles for the Shorts and a single mile for the Walkers. The trail was laid with a lot of arrows, in chalk, and some blobs of flour.

 

"Be back quick for the Awards".

 

Trail

Well, it's a little difficult to describe the trail as I don't think that any more than two Hashers followed the same trail and there is some doubt as to whether anyone actually completed any of the intended trails....marks or no marks.

 

Now, in fairness, none of us knew that Beeflicker was so incapacitated by his weekend escapades that he had to delegate Monday's trail laying to Squeaky Bum. 

 

Beeflicker had every intention of laying Monday's trail, especially as they would all have to be short so as to make time for The Awards. However, over the weekend, Beeflicker had been engaged in something called "Last Man Standing". This is a type of escape and evasion exercise. The last one to get caught or travel furthest from the starting point wins. Judging by his hobbling, I suspect that Beeflicker travelled some considerable distance. (Fifty two miles in fact!)

 

The Hare sent the Walkers out to the left for a walk around the village. Meanwhile, the Longs and the Shorts were directed up the alleyway almost opposite the pub. 

 

We followed green chalk arrows down to just near the Sloop and then blobs of flour taking us back to the pub in under 15 minutes and about a third of a mile. So round we went again. 

 

We had missed an arrow that would have taken us over to the Sloop side of the Newton Road. Another arrow had us heading for Newton Abbot before turning right and into a housing estate where we lost the marks. Eventually, we went back down to the Newton Road.

 

Some carried on towards Romany Jones looking for marks i.e. Wet-Johnny and Man-Pig. Others headed back towards the Sloop. Some then decided to take a right by the camper van garage and check out if there were any marks in Coffinswell. Yet another breakaway group opted to run up past Kingkerswell Primary School and check out Kingskerswell via the Coffinswell Lane track.

 

Sure enough, at its brow was a Long/Short split, but no other marks could bee seen. Beefy dropped down the other side of Coffinswell Lane and took a right at its end and did his own thing for the next 4 miles. Well Hopped came across what she thought was a fishhook and did a U'ey and backtracked to the pub.

 

Meanwhile, Man-Pig, Ernie and Strap-On were on a fruitless search for non-existent marks near the Barn Owl. Still no marks so Ernie and Strap-On made a Beeline for the On-Down. Man-Pig went back to the site of the last mark. But not before the number 12 bus stopped to ask if I was waiting for the bus? Well, I was near the bus stop but I wasn't aware that I was running so slowly that the bus driver thought that I was actually waiting at the bus stop. 

 

The Pig speculated that the trail might have gone straight up Priory Avenue and thence the short length of footpath to Bushmead Avenue. 

 

Bingo! A mark on the first footstep of the footpath and I was back on trail. Outside the Primary School I was surprised to find a blue arrow pointing down Coffinswell Lane towards the Sloop. I would have put money on a traipse over to Coffinswell but this was the only mark I found. So it was back to the pub I went.

 

Once again, the best laid plans of mice and men had been outwitted by the weather. The moral of this story must be "Do not use chalk in the wet". 

 

On the upside, our de facto Virgin Hare, Squeaky Bum, did have us running around in circles and down a few tiny footpaths in the village that we haven't done for several years. 

 

We got out on an "interesting" run. No one got lost (until it was time to get changed), no-one was late back for the Down-Downs and The Awards, and no one got injured. I'd say that's a success.

 

Down-Downs

Forrest-Stump and Perry assumed the role of RA and commenced by thanking the pub for putting on the scoff and providing the Down-Downs.

 

"What did we think of the trail?" An interesting question which would normally have illicited a few comments. Tonight there was the potential for 33 hashers to describe 15 plus different trails. But time was against us as we needed to push on for The Awards ceremony.

 

First up to give an award was Horny. She has the Turd Hat. This she gives to someone for not paying attention at a road junction and jaywalking. 

 

I think the guilty party was U-Bend but I'm not entirely sure as the Bird was squawking in my ear at the time. As we had the Songmeister present, he took control of the choir. "He doesn't kiss the girls any more....."

 

Next up was Man-Pig whose award was in the car but a substitute Jester's hat appeared courtesy of U-Bend. The obvious candidate was the Hare. Beeflicker was called up but only to confess that he was too injured to lay it. The Award should go to Squeaky Bum...and so it did. The Songmeister was called upon again.

 

Next was Squeaky Bum herself. She had the Hashshit shirt from last week. She tells the tale of a very rude Hasher who enjoys afternoon telly, particularly quiz shows.....just like the 3-2-1 description of the trail but featuring Dusty Bin. The programme is introduced with a 3-2-1 flick fingers. There follows some lewd conversation that ended up with Hotlips stating that "You only get four fingers in a Kit-Kat". (NB there was no mention of the Duchess of York during this narrative). Over to the Songmeister once again.

 

Forrest asks if there are any more Awards present. Fukarewe steps forward with the Tittie apron. Fukarewe tells us that he is parked right outside the pub. He had finished his run and was getting changed at the back of his car with the tailgate up. the next thing that happens is that a short-sighted Harriet opens the rear door to his car, sits down inside and starts to undress. 

 

What spectacular luck! thinks Fukarewe. What have I done to deserve this? So, who was not paying attention to the car in which she arrived? Smellie. It's Specsaver time for you my girl. The Songmeister pipes up with, "The one skin hangs over my two skin......."

 

Finally, there is an item of lost property that needs to be returned, not to a hasher but to a Hash Hound. Well Hopped has recovered a dog lead from the Old Commercial, Bishopsteignton. There ensues a Cinderella moment whilst the lead is matched to different Hounds' collar sizes. A match! It fits Slip-on-Me's Hound perfectly. You are going to the ball after all doggie...."woof!" "She's a little flat chested but she's all right" is the final ditty selected by our Songmeister.

 

AWARDS 2023

This year The Awards comprised the usual T-shirt and, for the fist time, matching Beanie hats for each category. Additionally, there were scrolls to be framed and hung at home. Shitfaced was suitably attired as the master of ceremonies. He also had his phone set up for a live link to Mavis in New Zealand - assuming that he was out of bed. In Oscar nominee fashion, three candidates were read out before the GM opened the envelope to reveal the winners:

 

And the winners are:

Best trail - Pisswell

Hare of the year - Pisswell: these two awards were combined into a single shirt and beanie and both were thoroughly deserved. The Cheesy Nipples and Cheesy Helmet trail was marvellous in all respects; virgin territory, private function, grape pressing, free cheese and wine. Splendid!

 

Newcomer of the year - Beeflicker: again, thoroughly deserving and in recognition of his contribution in having laid some excellent trails over the past 12 months including some virgin territory.

 

Scribe of the Year - Soapy for her Day of the Dead Hash and accompanying Words- an old school Hash with lots of short loops to keep the pack together. A huge turnout and enjoyed by all.

 

Club Hasher of the Year (formerly Crusher Award) - Zoot for all her work in the background.

 

Hasher of the Year - Man-Pig; nobody knows why.

BB: For me, the best moment of the evening - for his dedication and so much time and effort expended, no one in our hash has worked harder. And, bless him, he really was surprised at getting the award. Well done, hashers, you really got this one right.

 

Harriet of the Year - Warmfront; nobody will catch her, that's for sure.

 

On-Down of the Year: Tucker's Maltings. Other hostelries under this heading were The Park Inn and The Lord Nelson, coincidentally both pub landlords were present at The Awards. However, there were no representatives from Tucker's Maltings so regular Malting's frequenter, Archangel, accepted the Award on their behalf and for onward delivery.

 

P.O.T.Y. - Forrest-Stump, predominantly for forgetfulness during his RA'ing. Staggeringly, Smellie wasn't even shortlisted. I think that she must have been one of the main recipients of Down-Downs throughout 2023.

BB: I'll go along with that, MP. Hashers seem to have the strange idea that this particular award is unsuitable for harriets and might be seen as a stigma rather than the honour it truly is. Think on, as they say up in Yorkshire.

 

A final group photo of the winners and our thanks to the committee for organising it and, with that, it was all over for another year.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the King William IV, Totnes. Our Hare is Smellie and, as it is April Fools' day, you are encouraged to wear something silly.

 

On-On to next week, MP

TEAPOT

Good news. Man-Pig has been to see Teapot and he is scheduled to be discharged tomorrow (Friday 22nd).

He had asked Beefy where his bag was as he needed the bell to ring for attention when he gets home. MP had it in safe keeping.

 

MP says he is in good spirits and was delighted to see him. Teapot must have been keeping a scorecard as he said that MP was the 15th hasher to visit him! 

 

Well done everybody that took the time to show how we all care about him.

AWARDS NIGHT THIS MONDAY

 

Run #2013 Monday 25th March 7:15 pm circle up from hash HQ the Park Inn, 15 Cole's Ln, Kingskerswell, Newton Abbot TQ12 5BQ for our AWARDS NIGHT fun and games.

Beeflicker will supply the shortish pre-entertainment trail.

Park 'n' Ride has mild chilli, fresh bread and rice for hungry hashers.

INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU ON THE WHODUNNIT TRAIL

A rip-roaring ankle-deep rollercoaster of a tale

 

TVH3 The Words for 18th March 2024

 

The Church House Inn, Marldon

 

Run No. 2012

 

Shitfaced's Birthday Hash & Paddy's Day Hash

 

HARE: Shitfaced......or was it?

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Archangel, Forrest-Stump, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Shay, Psycho, Beefy, Pisswell, Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Roger the Dodger, Wet-Johnny, Manopause, Strap-On, Strap-Dancer, Ernie, Fukarewe, Coldtits, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Wetfart, Bobbiball, Miss Piggy, Mateus Rose, Rise 'n' Shine, Only Here for the Beer and returnee, after a jolly long absence, Flowery Twats; saving the best 'til last, it was excellent to welcome back Broken Man. It is lovely to see you again.

 

Circle

Shitfaced welcomed us all back to the upmarket Church House Inn, Mardon; specifically, long term no see returnee Flowery Twats and, additionally, a big clap to welcome back Broken Man.

 

This was Shitfaced's Birthday Hash combined with a celebration of St Patrick's Day - both having occurred the previous day. 

 

Accordingly, Hashers had been encouraged to wear something green. Shitfaced announced that the pub kitchen was closed but there would be some nibbles available after the run. Not for the first time, a fairer description would have been; "nibbles will only be available for the first back - be quick"; namely only the Walkers and the Shorts would reap the benefits of the Church House Inn's delicacies. Ho Hum.

Smellie needs Hares for 15 April and 29th April.

 

Wetfart updated us on Teapot's progress. Essentially, there is no change. Teapot is still in Newton Abbot hospital and continues to work on his mobility.

 

Back to the Hare for a description of the trail. Shitfaced said that there were Walkers', Shorts' and a Longs' trails. There was one Long/Short split so once you've committed to the Long, you're on it. The Walkers' trail was quite short, the Shorts' trail would be circa 3 miles and the Longs' 5. Most importantly, all marks would be on your left (or not as it turned out to be).

 

Trail

It was almost inevitable that a Shitfaced trail would require the enlisting of some outside help in the form of so called 'friends'. Tonight's trail was presumed to be headed in the same direction. 

 

But, not so fast.

 

I had popped into the Park Inn on Saturday afternoon to take in the second of the three Guinness Six Nations games being played that day - Ireland v Scotland. This would be the only match that I would be watching in the pub as the following day was the Grizzly - 20 miles of pure Hell....and that's on a good day. Shitfaced approached me and asked the inevitable:

 

"Are you free on Monday?"

"Not after 20 miles on Sunday".

"So are you withdrawing your availability?"

"Err, no. I never was going to be available on that Monday".

 

Later on Saturday, I get an e-mail from the flightless one. "It's OK M-P. I will come up with something". Another sterling offer by our young-at-heart 75 year old stop-gap Hare. Thank you. 

 

But, again, not so fast.

 

Just before the Circle, the Bird comes up to me and tells me that he couldn't help out on trail after all. Accordingly, it would be a 100% Shitfaced effort.

 

Now, call me a doubting Thomas but I was not expecting great things. My doubts were reinforced when Shitfaced said that he awoke that morning with the Mother of all hangovers. On the upside, however, there was a good chance that the trail would be short and we'd be back in a rather nice, quiet old pub PDQ. 

 

It was, therefore, with some astonishment that I'd listened to Shitfaced confidently stating that the Shorts would be 3 miles and the Longs 5. I certainly had my doubts about that.

 

The trail took us out of the car park and then right and right again up the narrow and tortuously steep hill past Marldon Church - unsurprisingly called Church Hill. 

 

Beeflicker was FRB but not by much. Shay was on his heels.

 

Amazingly - marks. There was a trail after all. The trail took us right and up Ipplepen Road and then an arrow had us bear left and up a couple of stone steps to follow the footpath that leads across the fields onto Smallwell Lane.

 

The weather couldn't make its mind up whether to rain or not. There was the occasional light drizzle but this hadn't affected us in the pub car park. Marldon lies in a fairly deep valley and is protected from the wind. 

 

However, as soon as we embarked along the footpath, we had lost the protection of the valley and were exposed to strong winds as we passed Marldon Tor. Dead ahead were the red lights of the TV transmitters. 

 

The footpath was wet and had turned into frictionless mud.

 

Frankly, I'd had 20 miles of this the previous day and I was less than impressed to be doing it again.

Nevertheless, on the upside, I was thinking to myself, "Crikey. Shitfaced has done well here. Especially being a solo effort with a major hangover".

 

At the end of the footpath, almost opposite in fact, there was another footpath across a field. This I recognised from a previous trail - probably Piltdown Man's and George Porgy's. 

 

However, tonight the marks took us right and west along Smallwell Lane. FRB's now consisted of Beeflicker, Shay, Wet-Johnny, Manopause, Big End, Well Hopped, Flowery Twats, Beefy, Pisswell and Man-Pig. 

 

It was 7.45pm on a Monday night and we were on a very minor road in the back of beyond. 

 

Nevertheless, I was surprised how much traffic there was on the road. Hence there were numerous times when we had to halt our progress and squeeze into the hedge to let cars go by.

 

At a kink in the road, we came to the only Long/Short split, but many had overran it as it was marked on the right .....hmmmmm. 

 

Nevertheless, my respect for the solo Hare's effort was increasing; "My Word this is a good trail. There you go Shitfaced. You can do it", I thought to myself, "No need to enlist the assistance of your "friends"". I could see some torchlight disappearing up the Shorts' trail towards Aptor Farm.

 

A loose shoelace meant that I was someway behind the Longs. As I attempted to catch the Longs, a sole torch beam was coming towards me. "Back check?" No. It was Big End. He had pulled a muscle and was now making his way back to embark on the Shorts.

 

Eventually, I could see torchlight in the distance. "I wonder where we're going", I pondered. 

 

At Weekaborough Oak Cross, I recognised where we were. We had been past here before on a Wet Johnny trail. 

 

Although there was no check, Beefy had checked out due south; an obvious choice but to no avail. Surprisingly, there were calls of "On-On" from dead ahead. I knew that if we continued along this road we would arrive at Red Post Cross on the Newton Abbot to Totnes Road. 

 

Where on earth was the Hare taking us?

 

The marks were good. In fact, suspiciously good. Beefy, Pisswell and I were now running together. We examined the marks quite closely. We were pretty sure that Shitfaced must have laid this by car. 

 

However, the marks had neither the tell tale signs of the splatter pattern of flour dropped from height, nor the tail of flour that would result if having been dropped from a moving car.

 

There was something else odd about the marks. They were quite dark. In fact, all of the marks that we'd seen were a tad too dark to be flour. They looked more like cat litter. Now, who lays trails in cat litter? The Bird, comes to mind.

 

Had the Bird lied to me? Were my eyes deceiving me? Was it flour after all? I didn't have time to bend down and analyse the marking material as the FRB's were now way ahead.....in the wrong direction as it turned out. 

 

Beefy and I carried on due west past Weekaborough Oak Cross, an alleged hanging site from the middle ages but no ghouls around tonight. We were still looking for marks on the left. 

 

Fortunately, Beefy spied a mark on the right. It looked like and "L" with an arrow head. A slippery farm track headed downhill to Higher Weekaborough. I recognised this from a Wet-Johnny trail.

 

Now my suspicions were well and truly aroused. 

 

I was incredulous. No way was this a Shitfaced trail. It was a bloody good trail. It had all the hallmarks of having been laid by a seasoned Hasher but Bluebird had sworn that he'd played no part in tonight's trail. 

 

Unbeknown to us, we were the only Hashers on trail. Beefy stole a lead on me on the slippery descent, Shay should have been behind me but had disappeared and the other FRB's had missed the mark altogether. As a result of which, they were now merrily going round in circles at Red Post Cross.

 

At Saxon Manor barn, we arrived at a T-junction. Immediately in front of me was a mark. To keep this on my left, as per the Hare's instructions, I would need to turn right. Intuitively, I was inclined to turn left and I am sure that I could hear Beefy calling from that direction. 

 

I followed the Hare's instructions and then took a right up towards Lower Weekaborough. No marks. I returned to Saxon Manor Barn just as the Longs arrived from their jolly out to Red Post Cross. Aha. There had been a mark on the left all along.....plus a mark on the right!

 

All the Longs were now back on trail and our numbers had grown to include Pork Torpedo and Horny. Smellie, Fukarewe and Ernie were also on the Longs but I don't recall having seen them. 

 

We were headed north towards Comb Fishacre. The Pig had to be called back after overshooting a pair of arrows on both the left and the right...poor battery life was to blame....on the pacemaker, not the torch. 

 

At the entrance to Combe House, we embarked on the long, slow and slippery climb to the top of Tanyard Lane. Crikey, it was hard work. 

 

We were nearly at the crest when we came across a huge puddle that spanned the whole track. If anyone had managed to keep their feet dry up to this point (highly unlikely), this would be their nemesis.

 

It was at this point that the evidence became overwhelming. 

 

THIS WAS NOT A SHITFACED TRAIL!

 

There are times in your life when you really don't want to stray from your hopes and beliefs whatever the cost and no matter how irrefutable the evidence is. 

 

A case in point might be when you finally have to come to terms with the fact that your partner really is cheating on you. You simply don't want to believe it. 

 

I so, so, so wished that this had been a Shitfaced trail, laid alone and whilst nursing the Mother of all hangovers. Hasher of the Year, Best Lay of the Year, all the accolades would be yours. 

 

But proof, if further proof were needed, came when we turned right and along the 500m of muddy track that took us onto Ipplepen Road. This was further compounded by the next arrow - a right turn down Aptor Lane - another ankle breaking mudslide in the dark. This trail had been laid by a professional, and on foot.

 

The Pig had had enough. "No Aptor Lane for me tonight. I know where I am. I am tarmacking it all the way back to the pub".

 

The icing on the cake was the distance. A wholly unpalatable post-Grizzly slip slide of 5.9 miles!

 

Down-Downs

Now, there is more than one doubting Thomas in the Hash. Just before the Down-Downs, cash changed hands. 

 

At the Grizzly, a (very) well known Hasher had bet Man-Pig a whole English pound that Bluebird would not fulfil his promise of laying the evening's trail. The final piece of evidence was when the RA asked Shitfaced what he'd laid the trail in? "Flour" was the alleged Hare's answer. Pete Tong. Wong answer. Not a graded grain of finest flour had been spotted over the previous nigh on 6 miles.

 

Forrest was the evening's RA, and it was straight into the first award. Smellie had the Turd Hat for being "Back on the game" last week. It was a bit of a long-winded story but the hat went to Horny for her perseverance in sliding her way around the Longs....amazingly without falling over but with a lot of describing a catalogue of ailments that had befallen her. 

 

Unfortunately, we had the Songmeister with us. He came up with a ditty about a rag tag slag bag with a barrel etc etc. I will not be singing this particular Hash song to Mrs Man-Pig on the grounds of self-preservation.

 

Next up was Forrest himself to be sure. He had the Hashshit shirt. He had also brought his two dogs with him, Winky, Woo and Perry. 

 

Now, unknown to most Hashers, whilst they were out on trail, Squeaky Bum had given Forrest's Winky a good rub down and a massage. Another song from the Songmeister: Old McDonald had tourettes....

 

It was fantastically slippery out on trail. Inevitably, there were going to be some fallers and collisions. This came to a head (who said "head"?) with the coming together of Smellie and Shay. I don't know who was on top of whom or if Shay had been saving up his pocket money for a dirty night. 

 

Nevertheless, Shay got Shitfaced's Paddy's Day stove pipe hat, a red false beard and a half pint of water. The water was subsequently upgraded to a half pint of beer after a stewards' inquiry. "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

 

On the subject of slipping and sliding, at least one hasher had taken a fall in the mud early on. This left him looking like he'd shat himself. Well, that's how Forrest described Flowery Twats' behind after he ran past him. We have not seen Flowery Twats for the best part of 10 years. Hence a Down-Down was long overdue. Over to the Songmeister.

 

Last, but not least, it was a return to tradition and a Down-Down for the Hare. But who was the Hare? The RA eventually gave it to the birthday boy. Trail? What trail?

 

Finally, a big "Thankyou" to the Hash for the beer.

 

Well done Bluebird for coming to the rescue once more. You are a star.....or you would be if you could differentiate between your left and your right!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is our Awards' Night. This will be held at the Park Inn, Kingskerswell. The Hare is Beeflicker.

 

And the moral of tonight's trail is that if something sounds too good to be true - it probably is!

 

On-On to next week, MP.

MONDAY'S DETAILS

Run #2012 Monday 18th March 7:15 pm circle up from the Church House Inn Marldon, Village Rd, Marldon, Paignton TQ3 1S with your Grand Master Shitfaced.

Remember to wear something green for our St Patrick's Day hash.

We last hashed from here October 2019 #1816.

There is a fair-sized CP behind the pub.

 

 

ROGER THE DODGER STARS WITH JEROME THE GNOME

 

TVH3 The Words for 11th February 2024

 

Cockhaven Arms, Bishopsteignton

 

Run No. 2011

 

HARES: Roger the Dodger & Well Hopped

 

Who wuz there: Roger the Dodger, Well Hopped, Shitfaced, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Cheerio Beerio, Forrest-Stump, Smellie, Psycho, Beefy, Pisswell, Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Well Hopped's brother, Mrs RtD?, Big End, Ned, Pollyfella, Wet-Johnny and son Gianluca, Slip-on-Me, Strap-On, Strap-Dancer, Ernie, Fukarewe, Coldtits, Ablesemen and long term absentee - Miss Piggy.

 

Circle

We arrived at the Cockhaven Manor/Arms (not Inn) to see the Hare in action on traffic warden duties. The pub/hotel is quite big and there is a reasonable amount of car parking. However, I am always amazed as to how the car park always seems to be full, yet there are very few people dining or at the bar. Nevertheless, we all got parked relatively easily so it was straight over to the GM.

 

The GM had almost nothing to impart apart from a welcome to returnees, Well Hopped's brother and Miss Piggy. 

 

Then it was over to Ablesemen for some information on poorly Hashers. Poor Satnav has had to give up work as a result of long covid. We also had updates from three Hashers who have visited Teapot over the past week, Ablesemen, Forrest Stump and Beefy. 

 

Teapot remains in Templar wards at Newton Abbot hospital. The only legacy of his mini stroke is a reduction in mobility. Psycho, in her professional capacity, advised that he is making progress with his mobility which sounds positive. We all wish both Satnav and Teapot swift and full recoveries.

 

There was no news in the Circle regarding Broken Man but Facebook and WhatsApp postings suggest that Zoot and some SH4 Hashers have visited him over the past week.

 

Smellie advised that two Mondays have become available in April; 15th and 22nd I think. See Smellie for a date if you want to lay.

 

With that, over to the Hares. Roger the Dodger was very accurate with his distances. Longs' would be 5.7 miles (it was - to the yard!); Shorts' 3.7 and Walkers' 2.7 miles.

 

"Turn left out of the car park".

 

Trail

It is very rare that we Hash from the same village on two consecutive weeks. In fact, I can't recall another occasion but I am sure the Bird will correct me if I am wrong on that score*. 

 

One thing was guaranteed though; despite running from the same village as last week, there was absolutely no chance that we'd get this week's marks confused with last week's!

 

Beeflicker and Pollyfella attained FRB status from the off. The trail took us up Cockhaven Road then left up Bishops Avenue followed by another left along Fore Street. 

 

There was a sense of deja vu as we arrived at the Walkers'/Long & Shorts' split outside last week's On-Down. The Walkers' trail continued up Smith Hill whilst the Shorts and the Longs ascended Berry Hill and thence the public footpath that climbs steeply up to the lane to the south of Humber Down and the Long/Short split.

 

The climb to Humber Down was temporarily impeded by an amphibian. A tiny brown toad was spotted on the muddy footpath. With hashers scurrying hurriedly towards the poor toad, it was picked up and safely deposited on the other side of a fence and well away from Hashers' horrible hooves.

 

The Longs went right towards Teignmouth Golf Course whilst the Shorts went left and straight to the sweetie stop at Colway Cross. 

 

For the Longs, it was now a reciprocal deja vu as we turned left and left again onto Three Trees Lane doing a reverse of last week's trail.

 

Pollyfella was now in the lead, initially followed by Man-Pig but not for long. During the descent down Three Trees Lane, the Pig was overtaken by Beefy, Wet-Johnny and Gianluca, Well Hopped and then Beeflicker. Where had he been? I thought that he was miles in front.

 

At the junction at the rear entrance to Lindridge House, we headed due west, through an avalanche of mud at a field entrance and then left down the long track that took us to the sweetie and rum stop at Colway Cross. But, behold, what did we have here? A fairy light illuminating a large garden gnome (Jerome on an away day from home) at the rear of an estate car. This was RtD's sweetie stop and RtD's sense of humour, the "On-gnome". Hmmmmm........very good.

 

We all expected the "On-home" to be up to Ashwell Cross and back down to the pub via the cemetery. But no. It was left and down to the steep and usually very muddy and slippery footpath descent to Forde Lane. 

 

From here, the trail took us up Forder Lane, right down The Drive and onto the Teignmouth Road.

Here we caught up with Coldtits and Forrest-Stump. Beeflicker was long gone and it was now Psycho, Man-Pig and Beefy FRB'ing just ahead of Wet-Johnny and Pollyfella. 

 

In fact, quite a few on the Long's this evening comprising Wet-Johnny and son, Pollyfella, Well Hopped, Pisswell, Strap-On, Ernie, Fukarewe and, amazingly, Bluebird for the first time since last July.

The final push was up Church Road and then left down a fenced footpath that I did not recognise. This took us into a cul-de-sac that could only be entered from Cockhaven Road. The marks were excellent. We were Home, Jerome!

 

• Not only the same village - Widecombe, but the same pub as well: Groundhog hashes from Rugglestone #1797 & 1798 3rd & 10th June 2019
   

Down-Downs

There was no-one in the bar but, despite this, all Hashers had congregated in a meeting room a few steps up from the bar. The home made sausage roll and chips had been downgraded to just chips. Apparently, the pub had not got enough pre-orders to warrant preparing them. Oh dear.

 

Nevertheless, the Hare had organised and prepaid for the Down-Downs so it was over to the RA for the Down-Downs.

 

Forrest-Stump had the Hash shit shirt from last week. But he had forgotten to bring it to the pub. When Forrest had visited Teapot in hospital he had bumped into Psycho. There ensued a technical conversation regarding the gizmo by which Forrest attached his artificial leg. "Oh. it looks just like a moon cup!" exclaimed our occupational therapist. A lot of perplexed faces, followed by an online search which changed Hashers' faces from perplexed to embarrassed A note for "the Mooner".

 

No other awards present. Beefy was pointing vigorously to the Hare, Roger the Dodger. A Down-Down for the Hare. What a jolly good idea and thoroughly well deserved on a virgin lay. 

 

We had everything. Excellent marks, a sweeper, road, mud, frogs, hills and best of all a sweetie stop with rum. You can Hare again......with or without Jerome the gnome.

 

Beeflicker had a story about a discussion on trail. Apparently, one of our Harriets was delighted to announce that she was "Back on the game!" 

 

Now, just to be clear , recently, Smellie has been injured and has restricted herself to doing the Shorts. Tonight, she was back on the Longs. What she meant to have said was, "I'm on it. I'm back in the game . But that is not how it came out. "Is business brisk, Smellie? And do working girls ply their trade on both sides of the street these days?" A note for the "Working girl".

 

The Hare also had a story. this was about how well the Longs did; particularly when considering all those steep hills. So who, in the final analysis, was the ultimate FRB i.e. first back? The Hare was looking straight at Man-Pig even though Beeflicker had been leading the Longs home ever since the sweetie stop. The Pig got a new award, a Union Jack stovepipe style hat and a rendition of "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

 

The last half of ale. Any more stories? Bluebird had one about hearing some childish yelping from behind him. This had occurred at the bottom of the muddy track just before the sweetie/rum stop. Someone had careered straight into a quagmire which the Bird described as unfeasibly 3 feet deep. So, who was the screamer? Ernie denied all knowledge so Fukarewe was landed in it [sic]. A note for the cry baby, please.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Church House Inn, Marldon. The Hare is Shitfaced.

 

On-On to next week. MP