Run #1783 Mon 25th Feb at The Tally Ho! Littlehempston, Totnes with Hares Coldtitz & Bobbiball
It was back to the charming Tally Ho! at Littlehempston that the TV bandwagon sallied to be regaled by new tenants Mike and 'Kickboxer' Kelly, not forgetting their adorable Basset hound Betty. Are you sitting comfortably? Then once more unto the breach, dear friends all..
Chariots of the TVH legion crammed into the compact CP of the former Bolton Arms* for what would subsequently be known as the Charlton Heston** hash, Harry. Oh Shirley yes, Dearly Oblivious, this EPIC in the making would give Ben-Hur and the Ten Commandments a run for their money. So, as Calvera*** would say, 'Read on' or was it 'ride' on? Never mind, back to the car park I say..
Famous faces familiar were espied in tantalising glimpses before being swallowed up again in the eerie swirling maelstrom of forty five assembled hashers.
And there was Beefy at last, he came back, a hasher like him. Big Raf back from a footballing shoulder injury; Ipplepenners Roxanne & young Harry****, Manopause, Erection and WJ; Forrest with his new, highly secret, supersonic ski prototype; virgins Tom, Mark, Bert (and returnee Ernie [sic] who drove the fastest milk cart in Tamar H); Poacher in repaired chariot; the National X country heroes Deep Throat and Grinder and, as befitting an EPIC, a supporting cast of dozens... Wait for it, it's Shirley showtime.
Procurator Piltdown demanded order and predictably had an Oscar themed question for the plebeians packed before him, Harry. Difficult to see what was occurring in the maddened throng, but eventually the director of the EPIC, one Mary Sturgess (yes, and possibly a distant relative of that director of epics aplenty, John Sturges) stepped up to the Roman oche accompanied by a bewheeled Bobby. Already an air of excitement prevailed and the crowd hushed in anticipation.. (I think it's going quite well so far SM Ellie, what do you think?)
The EPIC edict was proclaimed: FOUR TRAILS! A long, medium and short plus the now obligatory walkers' route (as fanatically supported by Teapot, Wet Fart, Only Here and other unnamed suspects) and the estimated distances elicited gasps from some - especially the Magnificent Seven Mile long HA! Also included was a Sherry and Cheese stop somewhere out there in the wilds, Winfield.
A prancing idiot could be discerned on the periphery of the crowd displaying his £140 Nike EPIC React Flyknit road cruising shoes to all and sundry - more on this and the EPIC fail of the Supersonic Ski foot later HA! I'm enjoying this rubbish now...
If he had only bothered to listen, the Pillock would have heard Bobby reveal the intricacies of the extra loop for the longs which a nameless buffoon had assisted in laying two hours previously..
The gates of the ancient stockade were flung open and a myriad array of dazzling head torches appeared at the entrance and first check.
Cunning indeed was the hares' design which flummoxed all before the longs surged out of the woods by the Pig & Whistle and across the main road, Berry Pomeroy bound.
Poacher/Cider led, pursued by a resurgent Beefy, Deep Throat and a t-shirt clad Nike EPIC cruising Bat. They were joined by serial FRB Whisperer, (didn't see him at the circle Cyril) Grinder and Forrest's buddy Tom. Out onto the road (becycled Bobby: 'How did you get here so quickly?) and downhill the Nike EPIC shoes kicked in (I get paid 10P every time I write that) taking the Bat to the front (yes, it was a race you fools) and prompting a 'Here we go!' from Deep Throat who, along with Grinder, Shirley wanted an easy time of it after Saturday's exertions (and beer celebrations afterwards).
All along, down along, out along lea coursed the merry longs and many twists and turns did they make as they inexorably closed with the ruins of Berry Pomeroy castle and the riddle of the loop..
Bobby: 'Don't ask questions Bluebird, just lay the loop down there, turn right onto the road, round the lake and back up to the castle. I'll meet you there.'
'Well, we suddenly came across the loop after already going round the lake from another direction and knowing we were now going down to the lake yet again, I halted Beefy, Manpig and Wet Johnny and warned that we were going round for a second lap. Seven minutes later, we arrived at the same point.' Aghast was the Bat: 'I'm NOT going down there AGAIN!' But Beefy had finally solved the riddle. 'Yes, we WILL go down there AGAIN but we'll turn left this time and that will let us escape this disaster you have got us into!' We had now been joined by Ernie, Bert and Sugar Puff (come to think about it, where did WJ and Manpig disappear to?) and you know what? Beefy was right and there was Coldtitz and Bobby, manning the Sherry & Cheese stall and asking where on earth we had been.
Now before I forget and I know you're dying to find out, Dearly Inquisitive, what had happened to our Hash Hero Forrest - he of the secret supersonic ski foot? We-ell, he covered about two miles before deciding that it just wasn't going to work and returned to change back to the old ski foot - four miles in the bag. But that wasn't the end of it as Forrest then set off again onto the trail and I still haven't found out how many miles he covered in the end but he did arrive back at the pub a long time after the DDs. Back to the drawing board for the supersonic ski.. Rebuilding the Bionic Forrest is taking more time than we thought.
I also heard tell of an alarming tale regarding Slip on Me. Details are scarce but apparently she had to be rescued after somehow taking the long trail! Quite understandably, Slip on Me didn't want to dwell on the scary details.
The Nike EPIC shoes were a rip roaring success - up to the time where their limitations were exposed in the mired depths of Gatcombe Brook just below the A381 ... sigh.
The Tally Ho! was snug and welcoming with good old Dartmoor Legend on tap along with Red Rock Dark Ness 4.5 ABV (excellent DD ale) and an ale I couldn't recall sampling (Archangel: 'You're slipping Bluebird.') Exeter Brewery's organic Avocet ale 3.9 ABV. Hash chilli was available and Mike and Kelly did us proud, didn't they just.
Coldtitz and EPIC Director Mary Sturgess, ably assisted by Bobby had scripted a classic trail which we enjoyed immensely and was well worth their efforts even though you both know that it was nearly the end of me!
TALLY HO! DD AWARDS
Poacher (Hashit shirt) to Bluebird for getting his prized new shoes ruined on the muddy trail.
Sugar Puff (should have been Horsey Horseface hat) to Camel Toe for forgetting to bring the Horse Head Hat from last week.
Bobbiball (prized Ceremonial Bat Hat) to Shitfaced for overtaking someone on Trail at last!
Hare Coldtitz for requesting lager from the pub as the best drink for the Hash.
Hare Bobbiball using his bike to lay the those confusing trail marks.
*Bolton Arms from 1850-1955
**An EPIC you fools
***You're not paying attention, the Mexican bandit from The Magnificent Seven.
****Roxanne's little lad (still trying to make sense of it all).
ON ON to next week and the Star at Liverton with Soapy & Melon Picker.
It was back to the charming Tally Ho! at Littlehempston that the TV bandwagon sallied to be regaled by new tenants Mike and 'Kickboxer' Kelly, not forgetting their adorable Basset hound Betty. Are you sitting comfortably? Then once more unto the breach, dear friends all..
Chariots of the TVH legion crammed into the compact CP of the former Bolton Arms* for what would subsequently be known as the Charlton Heston** hash, Harry. Oh Shirley yes, Dearly Oblivious, this EPIC in the making would give Ben-Hur and the Ten Commandments a run for their money. So, as Calvera*** would say, 'Read on' or was it 'ride' on? Never mind, back to the car park I say..
Famous faces familiar were espied in tantalising glimpses before being swallowed up again in the eerie swirling maelstrom of forty five assembled hashers.
And there was Beefy at last, he came back, a hasher like him. Big Raf back from a footballing shoulder injury; Ipplepenners Roxanne & young Harry****, Manopause, Erection and WJ; Forrest with his new, highly secret, supersonic ski prototype; virgins Tom, Mark, Bert (and returnee Ernie [sic] who drove the fastest milk cart in Tamar H); Poacher in repaired chariot; the National X country heroes Deep Throat and Grinder and, as befitting an EPIC, a supporting cast of dozens... Wait for it, it's Shirley showtime.
Procurator Piltdown demanded order and predictably had an Oscar themed question for the plebeians packed before him, Harry. Difficult to see what was occurring in the maddened throng, but eventually the director of the EPIC, one Mary Sturgess (yes, and possibly a distant relative of that director of epics aplenty, John Sturges) stepped up to the Roman oche accompanied by a bewheeled Bobby. Already an air of excitement prevailed and the crowd hushed in anticipation.. (I think it's going quite well so far SM Ellie, what do you think?)
The EPIC edict was proclaimed: FOUR TRAILS! A long, medium and short plus the now obligatory walkers' route (as fanatically supported by Teapot, Wet Fart, Only Here and other unnamed suspects) and the estimated distances elicited gasps from some - especially the Magnificent Seven Mile long HA! Also included was a Sherry and Cheese stop somewhere out there in the wilds, Winfield.
A prancing idiot could be discerned on the periphery of the crowd displaying his £140 Nike EPIC React Flyknit road cruising shoes to all and sundry - more on this and the EPIC fail of the Supersonic Ski foot later HA! I'm enjoying this rubbish now...
If he had only bothered to listen, the Pillock would have heard Bobby reveal the intricacies of the extra loop for the longs which a nameless buffoon had assisted in laying two hours previously..
The gates of the ancient stockade were flung open and a myriad array of dazzling head torches appeared at the entrance and first check.
Cunning indeed was the hares' design which flummoxed all before the longs surged out of the woods by the Pig & Whistle and across the main road, Berry Pomeroy bound.
Poacher/Cider led, pursued by a resurgent Beefy, Deep Throat and a t-shirt clad Nike EPIC cruising Bat. They were joined by serial FRB Whisperer, (didn't see him at the circle Cyril) Grinder and Forrest's buddy Tom. Out onto the road (becycled Bobby: 'How did you get here so quickly?) and downhill the Nike EPIC shoes kicked in (I get paid 10P every time I write that) taking the Bat to the front (yes, it was a race you fools) and prompting a 'Here we go!' from Deep Throat who, along with Grinder, Shirley wanted an easy time of it after Saturday's exertions (and beer celebrations afterwards).
All along, down along, out along lea coursed the merry longs and many twists and turns did they make as they inexorably closed with the ruins of Berry Pomeroy castle and the riddle of the loop..
Bobby: 'Don't ask questions Bluebird, just lay the loop down there, turn right onto the road, round the lake and back up to the castle. I'll meet you there.'
'Well, we suddenly came across the loop after already going round the lake from another direction and knowing we were now going down to the lake yet again, I halted Beefy, Manpig and Wet Johnny and warned that we were going round for a second lap. Seven minutes later, we arrived at the same point.' Aghast was the Bat: 'I'm NOT going down there AGAIN!' But Beefy had finally solved the riddle. 'Yes, we WILL go down there AGAIN but we'll turn left this time and that will let us escape this disaster you have got us into!' We had now been joined by Ernie, Bert and Sugar Puff (come to think about it, where did WJ and Manpig disappear to?) and you know what? Beefy was right and there was Coldtitz and Bobby, manning the Sherry & Cheese stall and asking where on earth we had been.
Now before I forget and I know you're dying to find out, Dearly Inquisitive, what had happened to our Hash Hero Forrest - he of the secret supersonic ski foot? We-ell, he covered about two miles before deciding that it just wasn't going to work and returned to change back to the old ski foot - four miles in the bag. But that wasn't the end of it as Forrest then set off again onto the trail and I still haven't found out how many miles he covered in the end but he did arrive back at the pub a long time after the DDs. Back to the drawing board for the supersonic ski.. Rebuilding the Bionic Forrest is taking more time than we thought.
I also heard tell of an alarming tale regarding Slip on Me. Details are scarce but apparently she had to be rescued after somehow taking the long trail! Quite understandably, Slip on Me didn't want to dwell on the scary details.
The Nike EPIC shoes were a rip roaring success - up to the time where their limitations were exposed in the mired depths of Gatcombe Brook just below the A381 ... sigh.
The Tally Ho! was snug and welcoming with good old Dartmoor Legend on tap along with Red Rock Dark Ness 4.5 ABV (excellent DD ale) and an ale I couldn't recall sampling (Archangel: 'You're slipping Bluebird.') Exeter Brewery's organic Avocet ale 3.9 ABV. Hash chilli was available and Mike and Kelly did us proud, didn't they just.
Coldtitz and EPIC Director Mary Sturgess, ably assisted by Bobby had scripted a classic trail which we enjoyed immensely and was well worth their efforts even though you both know that it was nearly the end of me!
TALLY HO! DD AWARDS
Poacher (Hashit shirt) to Bluebird for getting his prized new shoes ruined on the muddy trail.
Sugar Puff (should have been Horsey Horseface hat) to Camel Toe for forgetting to bring the Horse Head Hat from last week.
Bobbiball (prized Ceremonial Bat Hat) to Shitfaced for overtaking someone on Trail at last!
Hare Coldtitz for requesting lager from the pub as the best drink for the Hash.
Hare Bobbiball using his bike to lay the those confusing trail marks.
*Bolton Arms from 1850-1955
**An EPIC you fools
***You're not paying attention, the Mexican bandit from The Magnificent Seven.
****Roxanne's little lad (still trying to make sense of it all).
ON ON to next week and the Star at Liverton with Soapy & Melon Picker.
