Given the runaround - Take 2

 

TVH3 The Words for 20th November 2023  

Court Farm, Abbotskerswell  

Run No. 1996

HARES: Sugar Puff, Cameltoe & the Silver Sweeper

Who wuz there: Sugar Puff, Cameltoe, the Silver Sweeper, 

Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Hotlips, Zoot, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown 

Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beeflicker, Big End, 

Well Hopped, Ned, Soapy, Melonpicker, Wet Johnny, 

Manopause, Fukarewe, Ernie, Psycho, Warm Front, 

Coldtits, Wetfart, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Piddler, 

Goingdown (both Circle only), Threesum & non running 

returnee Deep Semen (the latter two pub only).

Circle

As good as their word, returnees, Sugar Puff and Cameltoe

had laid the trail as promised a fortnight earlier. Not only 

that, they had brought along a newbie to undertake the 

role of Sweeper. Now, my sincere apologies, I never got 

to ask you your name. I am guessing that Sugar Puff and 

Cameltoe made you come? But at least we now know what 

happened to Smellie's reflective jacket.

Shitfaced had no announcements. Smellie requires Hares 

for next year. Hotlips reminded us of this coming Saturday's 

pub crawl by train via Newton Abbot and Exmouth. I also 

spoke to Wetfart regarding Teapot. Not a lot of information 

but at least there are signs of movement which must be a 

step in the right direction.

Then over to our Hares who had been press-ganged by 

Smellie at the King William IV a fortnight ago. Sugar Puff 

advised that the trail had originally been laid the previous 

day. Overnight rain had dictated a partial relay on the day. 

There was one Long/Short split. The first part of the trail had 

marks on the right, thereafter they would be on the left (some 

Hashers clearly weren't listening at this point as we shall 

see later). The Longs would be about 5 miles and the Shorts 

4'ish.

Trail

If Archangel's trail gave us the runaround last week, this week 

the buzzword was ROUND.

The pack turned left out of the pub car park and down Wilton 

Way. At Wilton Way's junction with Slade Lane, the Shorts 

went left whilst the Longs went right. 

 

It wasn't long before the Longs came to a check outside the

long-time-closed Butcher's Arms.

 

From here the trail went up a track and looped ROUND 

and back on itself to create the additional mile for the Longs'. 

Where the return trail rejoined the outward trail, there was a 

huge arrow marking the outward trail. Most of the Longs

recognised the arrow and knew that they had done a loop. 

Not so Ernie and Psycho. They both saw the arrow and 

were about to re-do the Longs' loop again. If it hadn't have

been for Fukarewe and Warmfront, the pair of them would 

have been going ROUND & ROUND for ever and a day.

The Longs were now on a mission to catch up with the Shorts 

as, from now on, it would be a common trail. At the bottom of 

Priory Road we came to the OH sign and an arrow directing 

us up Priory Road. At least we knew we'd be coming back this 

way at some stage. Beeflicker was FRB. At the first junction 

up Priory Road, there was a check. Beeflicker checked straight 

ahead and continued up Priory Road. Wet Johnny went left 

along Manor Road and Beefy checked up Stoneman's Hill. 

The latter two came back empty handed. Eventually, a call from 

Beeflicker and the Longs pursued the calls of "On-On" from atop 

Priory Road.

Just before the priory the road levels off and there is a public 

footpath to the left. Sure enough, another large arrow had us 

embark along this footpath. The start of the footpath is at the 

brow of a hill and, as we looked down across two fields, we 

could see several torches ahead of us. This would be the Shorts.

 

The footpath skirts the left hand edge of the first field before a 

gap in the hedge and a tiny bridge took us into the next field just 

next to an abandoned barn. This field had been planted with 

maize and was jolly slippery underfoot. Despite the slip-sliding 

through the mud, I am not aware that we had any fallers this week.

Soon the bulk of the Longs caught up with the Shorts. However, 

we missed a small gap in the hedge that would have taken us 

into the third and last field before entering Decoy Country Park.

 

We climbed up an unfamiliar path through the maize. We knew 

that Beeflicker, Beefy and Wet Johnny were ahead of us and 

we heard Beefy calling "On-On" to our right. We were off trail, 

but not by much. We backtracked and soon found ourselves 

back on trail.

At the point at which we entered Decoy Park, we expected to

see a check. No check but Big End did spy a single dot of flour 

to our left. Big End, Well Hopped and Man-Pig headed north 

west but no marks. Nevertheless, we were convinced that we'd 

be turning left at the top of Decoy Brake and embarking up the

steep footpath that eventually meets up with Stoneman's Hill - 

wrong'ish. Where we expected to turn left a large arrow had us

 turn right. This would take us down to Decoy Lake....a loop 

 ROUND the lake perhaps?

We followed the track where the arrow had pointed us and 

eventually arrived at a 5 bar gate and a mark. But what sort of 

a mark? Whilst we pondered the curious mark, Warmfront caught 

up with us. We concluded that it was a cross and turned right 

and towards the lake. Coming towards us were torches. 

It was Wet Johnny, Beeflicker and Manopause.

"Are you on trail?" we enquired.

"Yes. We've just been ROUND the lake".

Hmmmm. They had gone ROUND clockwise and we were 

going ROUND anticlockwise. In fairness, we had been 

following marks on our right when we should have been 

following marks that lay to our left. Big End, Well Hopped 

and myself decided to carry on ROUND the lake 

anticlockwise. We knew that the trail wasn't back the way 

we'd just come.....or was it? Warmfront, meanwhile, wasn't

 content with just going ROUND the lake anticlockwise, 

she then went ROUND clockwise as well.

We continued ROUND the lake anticlockwise spotting the 

occasional mark to our right. Looking across the lake we 

could see plenty of torches....lost Hashers. Inevitably, we 

met up with the rest of the pack again. Now it had swollen 

to include Ernie, Fukarewe, Smellie and Soapy. 

We searched high and low for marks that would get us away 

from the aquatic merrygoROUND. Nothing. The only marks 

were the ones that we'd followed down to the lake. 

 

We backtracked and encountered the shimmering ghostly 

figure of the Silver Sweeper. We were back at the perplexing 

check. Was it a cross? Was it an arrow? Neither, it was a 

crarrow.

The Silver Sweeper directed us through the kissing gate and 

said, "Turn left at the end".

We followed his instructions and in short order we had emerged 

from the woodland of the Blackball Plantation. We turned left 

and along the edge of a field for a couple of hundred yards 

before arriving at a wide track. This looked familiar. We turned

 left and headed for the bottom of the steep footpath at the edge 

of Decoy Brake. This would take us up to near the crest of 

Stoneman's Hill. Despite the absence of marks, we knew the way 

home now and embarked on the final push to the summit Chris 

Bonnington style. Then a shout of "On-On" from up ahead. 

Was this Well Hopped, Sherpa Tensing or Big End? I arrived at 

"the mark" and took a closer look. It was very white but had 

straight edges. Not really like a blob of flour. I bent down 

to check that it was, indeed, flour. No. It was a white stone!

It made no difference. We were three quarters of the way 

up the first field. Looking behind us a long string of torches 

were following like lost sheep. Then another call of "On-On". 

Really? But this time there was no doubt; a large arrow in 

flour just the other side of the last stile. We were all back 

on trail, amazingly.

The final leg had us turn left down Stoneman's Hill and then

 right along the enclosed public footpath that took us back 

into Abbotskerswell at Ford Road. Unbeknown to us, we 

had presumed too much. We were off trail and we had 

missed the sweetie stop. 

But we weren't going to be late for a beer. We crossed 

Manor Road and took a left along Slade Lane and the OH.

What great trail and, just like last week, made all the more 

enjoyable by the absence of marks. Thankyou, Hares and 

Sweeper.

Down-Downs

Once everyone had finished their scoff and, for the first 

time ever, the sweetie stop in the pub, it was time for the 

Down Downs.

The first half of ale had to go to the Hare for giving us 

the runaround.

"Which one of you devised the countercyclical route 

ROUND and ROUND Decoy lake?" A finger was pointed 

and up came the male Hare. Now, was this Sugar Puff 

or Cameltoe? After a thorough investigation, the RA 

concluded that this was unlikely to be Cameltoe. 

A note for "giving us the run-around".

"Who has an award from last week?". Beeflicker steps 

up with the Jester's Hat. This he immediately gives to 

Psycho. Something about a tampon issue in the car 

park. Oh Lordy. I think this is a first. This is 

an unprecedented fourth award in as many weeks*. 

Worse. Psycho tries to convince everyone gathered 

that it is only her third.....liar! 

A note for "the serial sinner".

Unsurprisingly, it is now Pysycho's turn to offload some 

of her accumulated awards. The Checking Chicken 

Hat goes to Soapy. 

Soapy had thought that she'd caught up with a Hasher. 

In fact it was a senior gentlemen who was out walking his 

dog. A note for "the Dogger"; the dogger elects to go for 

the glass of water.

Psycho's turn again as she has two awards looking for 

a new temporary home ( I don't know why she is even 

bothering to award them as most of the awards seem 

to have taken up permanent residence at chez Psycho). 

Nevertheless, the saga of Hotlips' Reynard's disease 

is still a hot, or should that be cold, topic. Hence Psyco 

gives the Horned Hat to Hotlips. A note for 

"the white helmet".

There is one half pint of ale and one award left. It is the 

Baby Bat Hat from last week. This was awarded to 

Woodlend but entrusted to Man-Pig for safekeeping. 

Man-Pig's story comprised tales of mistaken identity 

and lying. The first involves those on the Longs who, 

upon seeing a large arrow, decided to go ROUND 

again. Candidates were Ernie and Psyco. At least 

Ernie admitted to his mistake. Whereas Psycho denied 

being off trail at any point......doubtful. The other 

candidate was whoever called "On-On" due 

to a white stone being spotted. In the absence of Sherpa 

Tensing this had to be Well Hopped or Big End. 

The blushes said it all. 

A vote was called for. Liar No. 1 - Pscho - some cheers. 

Liar No. 2 - 

Well hopped - huge crescendo. Baby Bat Hat to Well 

Hopped and a note for "the petrified one".

Next week

Next week's Hash is at the Manor Inn, Galmpton, with 

Hare U-Bend.

On-On to next week.

• ---

 Run #1997 Monday 27th November Circle up 7:15 pm from the Manor Inn, 2 Stoke Gabriel Rd, Galmpton, Brixham TQ5 0NL with U Bend.

 Run #1996 Monday 20th November circle up 7:15 pm from Court Farm Inn, Abbotskerswell, Newton Abbot TQ12 5NY with hares Sugar Puff and Camel Toe.

ARCHANGEL GIVES THE PACK THE 'RUNAROUND'

TVH3 The Words for 13th November 2023

Tucker's Maltings Taphouse, Newton Abbot

Run No. 1995

HARE: Archangel

 

Who wuz there: Archangel, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Hotlips, Zoot, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Wet Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Fukarewe, Ernie, U-Bend, Tamsin, Well Hopped, Big End, Psycho, Ben (Psycho's partner), Warm Front, Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Ablesemen, Wetfart, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Forrest Stump, Woodland, an elderly chap who's run with us before & who had travelled by train to the Hash - sorry, I can't recall your name, Bobbiball & Threesum (the latter two pub only).

 

Circle

There was concern at the Circle. The Hare wasn't present. Was he still setting the trail? Was there a trail? Or, had he already laid the trail and enjoying a well deserved pint in the Taphouse? Soon our concerns were allayed as Arkangel strolled into the Circle.

 

Shitfaced's only announcement was that Threesum should have been there as she was selling tickets for the Christmas party and raffle tickets.

 

Smellie was desperate for a Hare for 27th November (which I understand has now been filled).

The Hare gave the briefest of descriptions of the trail:

 

"There is a Long & a Short. For the Walkers, follow the Shorts and, at the second Long/Short split, come back on yourselves".

 

"How long is the Shorts?", asked Piltdown Man.

 

The Hare was not forthcoming.

 

"There is a Longs and a Shorts", he repeats. What mystery lies before us?

But, before the off, an update on Teapot from Wetfart.

 

"There is no change. Still waiting for the results of tests". We all hope and pray for a diagnosis and treatment very soon.

 

The Trail

What on earth can I say about tonight's trail? It maybe best to paraphrase Black Adder: the Hare has devised a trail so cunning that you could put a mink stole on it and call it a weasel. And jolly weasily it was. So weasily in fact, that this was the first ever trail that I'd been on where I have gone wrong at least twice at every single check!

 

With the wisdom of having now completed the trail, in many respects it was quite a simple one. A canter down to Hackney Marshes and back.

 

The trail took us past the Taphouse and down to the canal and the first check. The trail then took us right towards the Brunel industrial estate but, before the estate, the first of the two Long-Short splits. The Longs turned right and up a short length of uneven track up to the corner of the industrial estate.

Unknown to the Longs, the Shorts meanwhile carried on just around the corner and crossed over the new pedestrian bridge and onto the Newton Abbot to Kingsteignton cycle path behind the racecourse.

The Longs were lulled into a false sense of security as the marks were well laid. A combination of dots and arrows. In no time at all we we at the second check. This was at the footbridge that spans Aller Brook and the A380 and provides a shortcut to Buckland.

 

Beeflicker checked over the footbridge and found nothing. Beefy was returning from the estuary end of the footpath so I followed Tamsin, Warmfront and Psycho along the only other possibility - the footpath to The Penn Inn. Again, nothing. I was sure that the trail would have taken us over the footbridge. this would have us climbing up to Woodside Copse and then taking the path under the A380 and back towards whence we came.

 

I rechecked over the footbridge and found nothing. Back at the check, the trail had now been called. We followed the footpath that runs along the western edge of Aller Brook up to the point at which it flows into the estuary. Here we came to another check and a dot on a wooden bench straight ahead. There is no path straight ahead so Tamsin and I took a right heading towards Coombe Cellars.

 

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing and I was 100% convinced that the trail would take us in a clockwise loop under the A380. We got to the point at which a track passes under the A380 and into the edge of the Buckland estate. I was incredulous. Still nothing.

 

Backtracking towards the Brunel Industrial estate, Tamsin got a move on and that was the last I saw of her. I jogged slowly back to the check half expecting to find the befuddled pack still there. A sole Harriet was looking at the check. It was Smellie. Where on earth had everyone gone? The trail couldn't possibly go back into the industrial estate as we'd be back tracking over the outward trail. Hence I checked out the footpath that runs down the east side of Aller Brook.....nothing.....again! I returned to the check, and Smellie, empty handed.

 

Almost conceding defeat, we took the steps down to the grassy patch of foreshore where the canal meets the estuary. This is a spot favoured by anglers. We still didn't find any marks. Time to return to the On-Down for an early beer.

 

It did cross my mind that it was just possible that we could be heading towards Hackney Marshes without backtracking, but only by a matter of yards. I looked up the canal to the new footbridge. I knew that we were a long way behind but not that far. I had expected to see Hashers' torches crossing the new bridge - but nothing.

 

We had lost the trail, so Smellie and I set off for an early pint when, lo and behold, an arrow. This appeared from the spot favoured by anglers and was directing us back into the industrial estate. More arrows and we were, indeed, back on track and heading towards Hackney Marshes.

 

Just over the new bridge, we came across the first of the walkers on the return trail. It was Ablesemen and Wetfart. Just behind them was Slip-on-Me. As we carried on along the cyclepath on the outward leg towards Kingsteignton, we encountered several other Hashers on the return leg; Wet-Johnny, Erection, Manopause, then Piltdown Man and Forrest Stump and, eventually, the Hare. Archangel simply told us to carry on towards Kingsteignton and then turn back.

 

There was still no sign of any of the FRB's on the return trail. Then we encountered a long but shallow puddle. It rather looked as though a lot of the Shorts and Walkers had turned back prematurely so as to avoid wet feet. Smellie was happy to continue so we carried on only to find that the arrows were now pointing towards us....obviously on the return trail.

 

We carried on to the second and last Long/Short split. We turned down the opportunity to go Then short...perhaps a mistaka? Soon we were at a check. One of the options was to go down into the reeds. However, we were now on a flood tide, and the path through the reeds was under about 4 inches of water. I checked it out nonetheless.....nothing.

 

Next we checked the path dead ahead of us.....nothing. The final option was over a wooden bridge, more of a raised duckboard really. Yes, a mark and we were back on trail....but now it had become a wet one. Several parts of this section of the trail were beginning to flood. Undaunted, we carried on. Just before reaching Greenhill Way we ran out of marks and we'd just waded through 6 inches of water.

I thought that we were on a flood tide and that the return trail would become even deeper. Hence, when reaching Greenhill Way with no marks, we decided to return to the On-Down by road.

 

We'd just started our return when we came across an arrow. Back on trail again, we crossed Greenhill Way and followed the cycle track to the edge of Kingsteignton Church (St Gregory's I think).

 

The obvious route for the trail would be through the graveyard but there were no marks. We skirted the edge of the churchyard and found a check outside the entrance to the churchyard at the end of Church Lane. It had not been kicked out and we did wonder if we might be the only ones on trail this far out.

We checked down Church Lane which is, in fact, a pretty footpath with a stream running along one edge. Near the entrance to the bowling club, we came across a mark. We were on trail, or so we thought.

 

Arriving opposite the Bell Inn, the Pig checked dead ahead, then down to the main road and the Kings Arms and then uphill towards the upper part of Greenhill Way. I didn't bloody believe it....f**king nothing. The Hare's habit of not using any crosses to denote a false trail was giving us the run around big time. But, it wasn't cold. It wasn't raining. We weren't tired and it was only 8.30. In fact, the pair of us were quite enjoying our solitary duet in a funny kind of way.

 

Back at the last check we thought we'd better check out the only unchecked avenue remaining. Bugger me. Marks! Good marks too. Heading east along the northern end of the churchyard then left uphill and right onto Greenhill Lane.

 

At Greenhill Way, an arrow had us going up Greenhill Way before another arrow had us crossing the road for the second time. I had a good idea where we were going - The Passage House. We'd better not be turning off and crossing the fields onto Combeshead Road because that would be a jolly long trail. Poor Smellie had no idea where she was. However, she did find time to photograph evidence of confusing marks....usually two arrows in the same spot pointing in opposite directions.

 

We were in good spirits. My only concern was that, if we were on a flood tide, how deep would the return trail be?

 

At the Passage House, we were back on good marks. Again, a combination of dots, arrows - and a dead swan. Amazingly, all was dry and the tide didn't look too high. We followed the trail under the railway bridge and back into Hackney Marshes. A huge arrow had us heading back towards Newton Abbot. Now Smellie knew exactly where she was as we passed the first set of contradictory marks that she'd photographed earlier.

 

A simple run had us back at the Taphouse at 8.55pm - and not too wet either.

 

Down-Downs

The Hare had arranged for the Taphouse to open especially for us as they don't usually open on a Monday. Additionally, last week the Hare had put a notice up in the foyer. This advised that the pub was open to all on Monday and, if you wanted a bit of fun, bring a torch and trainers and join Teign Valley Hash for a trail. As it turned out, we had no surprise visitors. A shame. I think that they would have enjoyed it.

 

Forrest Stump assumed RA duties for the evening. He commenced by thanking Chris (barman) and the pub for opening and providing an assortment of cider, beer and water for the Down-Downs.

 

The first beer went to the Hare for an excellent and, at times, befuddling trail.

 

For some reason, Forrest then decided to strip off, to the horror of all Harriets, and don the filthy Hashshit shirt. Then Bobbiball (the first of many choruses of Bobbiball, Bobbiball.....) got the shirt for turning up and not doing the run. This was because he could save himself the £1 run fee. Tightarse! Nightmaringly, Bobbi now stripped off too. I was surprised none of the Harriets fainted. No Bobbi - fainted, not swooned. For being so tight fisted he got the glass of water.

 

Piltdown Man had the Baby Bat Hat from last week. This he awarded to Woodlend. He had spent part of the evening assuming the role of a Deliveroo driver after having gone to Dominos for victuals.

The final beer. Where was this going to go? Hotlips stepped up. He praised the sterling work of the NHS especially during the covid crises. He was particularly congratulatory regarding their care and consideration for the elderly and especially those suffering from Reynard's disease - poor circulation in cold weather. This makes ones toes, fingers and the end on the penis turn white due to reduced blood flow. So it came as a pleasant surprise when one of our Harriets, who is also a nurse, came up to him and asked:

 

"How is your penis?"

 

Well done Psycho. You've only been back running with us for three weeks and you've succeeded in getting an almost unprecedented 3 awards in three weeks. You may well find yourself a candidate for Pillock of the Year! Appropriately, the Down-Down song was, "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

Finally, someone had a 100 run badge but who was it? It is the fastest woman on the Hash (and on the Grizzly). For a slightly built lady, Warmfront certainly had no problem in making a half pint of ale disappear sharpish!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is in Abbotskerswell, with Hares Sugar Puff and Camel Toe. At the moment, we anticipate the On-Down being The Court Farm - watch this space for further details.

 

On-On to next week. MP

ARCHANGEL GIVES THE PACK THE 'RUNAROUND'

TVH3 The Words for 13th November 2023  

TUcker's Maltings Taphouse, Newton Abbot  

Run No. 1995

HARE: Archangel

Who wuz there: Archangel, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Hotlips, Zoot, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Wet Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Fukarewe, Ernie, U-Bend, Tamsin, Well Hopped, Big End, Psycho, Ben (Psycho's partner), Warm Front, Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Ablesemen, Wetfart, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Forrest Stump, Woodland, an elderly chap who's run with us before & who had travelled by train to the Hash - sorry, I can't recall your name, Bobbiball & Threesum (the latter two pub only)

Circle

There was concern at the Circle. The Hare wasn't present. Was he still setting the trail? Was there a trail? Or, had he already laid the trail and enjoying a well deserved pint in the Taphouse? Soon our concerns were alaid as Arkangel strolled into the Circle.

Shitfaced's only announcement was that Threesum should have been there as she was selling tickets for the Christmas party and raffle tickets.

Smellie was desperate for a Hare for 27th November (which I understand has now been filled).

The Hare gave the briefest of descriptions of the trail:

"There is a Long & a Short. For the Walkers, follow the Shorts and, at the second Long/Short split, come back on yourselves".

"How long is the Shorts?", asked Piltdown Man.

The Hare was not forthcoming.

"There is a Longs and a Shorts", he repeats. What mystery lies before us?

But, before the off, an update on Teapot from Wetfart.

"There is no change. Still waiting for the results of tests". We all hope and pray for a diagnosis and treatment very soon.

The Trail

What on earth can I say about tonight's trail? It maybe best to paraphrase Black Adder: the Hare has devised a trail so cunning that you could put a mink stole on it and call it a weasel. And jolly weasily it was. So weasily in fact, that this was the first ever trail that I'd been on where I have gone wrong at least twice at every single check!

With the wisdom of having now completed the trail, in many respects it was quite a simple one. A canter down to Hackney Marshes and back.

The trail took us past the Taphouse and down to the canal and the first check. The trail then took us right towards the Brunel industrial estate but, before the estate, the first of the two Long-Short splits. The Longs turned right and up a short length of uneven track up to the corner of the industrial estate. 

 

Unknown to the Longs, the Shorts meanwhile carried on just around the corner and crossed over the new pedestrian bridge and onto the Newton Abbot to Kingsteignton cycle path behind the racecourse.

The Longs were lulled into a false sense of security as the marks were well laid. A combination of dots and arrows. In no time at all we we at the second check. This was at the footbridge that spans Aller Brook and the A380 and provides a shortcut to Buckland.

 

Beeflicker checked over the footbridge and found nothing. Beefy was returning from the estuary end of the footpath so I followed Tamsin, Warmfront and Psycho along the only other possibility - the footpath to The Penn Inn. Again, nothing. I was sure that the trail would have taken us over the footbridge. this would have us climbing up to Woodside Copse and then taking the path under the A380 and back towards whence we came. 

 

I rechecked over the footbridge and found nothing. Back at the check, the trail had now been called. We followed the footpath that runs along the western edge of Aller Brook up to the point at which it flows into the estuary. Here we came to another check and a dot on a wooden bench straight ahead. There is no path straight ahead so Tamsin and I took a right heading towards Coombe Cellars. 

 

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing and I was 100% convinced that the trail would take us in a clockwise loop under the A380. We got to the point at which a track passes under the A380 and into the edge of the Buckland estate. I was incredulous. Still nothing.

Backtracking towards the Brunel Industrial estate, Tamsin got a move on and that was the last I saw of her. I jogged slowly back to the check half expecting to find the befuddled pack still there. A sole Harriet was looking at the check. It was Smellie. Where on earth had everyone gone? The trail couldn't possibly go back into the industrial estate as we'd be back tracking over the outward trail. Hence I checked out the footpath that runs down the east side of Aller Brook.....nothing.....again! I returned to the check, and Smellie, empty handed. 

 

Almost conceding defeat, we took the steps down to the grassy patch of foreshore where the canal meets the estuary. This is a spot favoured by anglers. We still didn't find any marks. Time to return to the On-Down for an early beer.

It did cross my mind that it was just possible that we could be heading towards Hackney Marshes without backtracking, but only by a matter of yards. I looked up the canal to the new footbridge. I knew that we were a long way behind but not that far. I had expected to see Hashers' torches crossing the new bridge  - but nothing. 

 

We had lost the trail, so Smellie and I set off for an early pint when, lo and behold, an arrow. This appeared from the spot favoured by anglers and was directing us back into the industrial estate. More arrows and we were, indeed, back on track and heading towards Hackney Marshes.

Just over the new bridge, we came across the first of the walkers on the return trail. It was Ablesemen and Wetfart. Just behind them was Slip-on-Me. As we carried on along the cyclepath on the outward leg towards Kingsteignton, we encountered several other Hashers on the return leg; Wet-Johnny, Erection, Manopause, then Piltdown Man and Forrest Stump and, eventually, the Hare. Archangel simply told us to carry on towards Kingsteignton and then turn back.

There was still no sign of any of the FRB's on the return trail. Then we encountered a long but shallow puddle. It rather looked as though a lot of the Shorts and Walkers had turned back prematurely so as to avoid wet feet. Smellie was happy to continue so we carried on only to find that the arrows were now pointing towards us....obviously on the return trail. 

 

We carried on to the second and last Long/Short split. We turned down the opportunity to go Then short...perhaps a mistaka? Soon we were at a check. One of the options was to go down into the reeds. However, we were now on a flood tide, and the path through the reeds was under about 4 inches of water. I checked it out nonetheless.....nothing. 

 

Next we checked the path dead ahead of us.....nothing. The final option was over a wooden bridge, more of a raised duckboard really. Yes, a mark and we were back on trail....but now it had become a wet one. Several parts of this section of the trail were beginning to flood. Undaunted, we carried on. Just before reaching Greenhill Way we ran out of marks and we'd just waded through 6 inches of water.

I thought that we were on a flood tide and that the return trail would become even deeper. Hence, when reaching Greenhill Way with no marks, we decided to return to the On-Down by road. 

 

We'd just started our return when we came across an arrow. Back on trail again, we crossed Greenhill Way and followed the cycle track to the edge of Kingsteignton Church (St Gregory's I think). 

 

The obvious route for the trail would be through the graveyard but there were no marks. We skirted the edge of the churchyard and found a check outside the entrance to the churchyard at the end of Church Lane. It had not been kicked out and we did wonder if we might be the only ones on trail this far out.

We checked down Church Lane which is, in fact, a pretty footpath with a stream running along one edge. Near the entrance to the bowling club, we came across a mark. We were on trail, or so we thought. 

 

Arriving opposite the Bell Inn, the Pig checked dead ahead, then down to the main road and the Kings Arms and then uphill towards the upper part of Greenhill Way. I didn't bloody believe it....f**king nothing. The Hare's habit of not using any crosses to denote a false trail was giving us the run around big time. But, it wasn't cold. It wasn't raining. We weren't tired and it was only 8.30. In fact, the pair of us were quite enjoying our solitary duet in a funny kind of way.

Back at the last check we thought we'd better check out the only unchecked avenue remaining. Bugger me. Marks! Good marks too. Heading east along the northern end of the churchyard then left uphill and right onto Greenhill Lane. 

 

At Greenhill Way, an arrow had us going up Greenhill Way before another arrow had us crossing the road for the second time. I had a good idea where we were going - The Passage House. We'd better not be turning off and crossing the fields onto Combeshead Road because that would be a jolly long trail. Poor Smellie had no idea where she was. However, she did find time to photograph evidence of confusing marks....usually two arrows in the same spot pointing in opposite directions.

We were in good spirits. My only concern was that, if we were on a flood tide, how deep would the return trail be?

At the Passage House, we were back on good marks. Again, a combination of dots, arrows - and a dead swan. Amazingly, all was dry and the tide didn't look too high. We followed the trail under the railway bridge and back into Hackney Marshes. A huge arrow had us heading back towards Newton Abbot. Now Smellie knew exactly where she was as we passed the first set of contradictory marks that she'd photographed earlier.

A simple run had us back at the Taphouse at 8.55pm - and not too wet either.

Down-Downs

The Hare had arranged for the Taphouse to open especially for us as they don't usually open on a Monday. Additionally, last week the Hare had put a notice up in the foyer. This advised that the pub was open to all on Monday and, if you wanted a bit of fun, bring a torch and trainers and join Teign Valley Hash for a trail. As it turned out, we had no surprise visitors. A shame. I think that they would have enjoyed it. 

Forrest Stump assumed RA duties for the evening. He commenced by thanking Chris (barman) and the pub for opening and providing an assortment of cider, beer and water for the Down-Downs.

The first beer went to the Hare for an excellent and, at times, befuddling trail.

For some reason, Forrest then decided to strip off, to the horror of all Harriets, and don the filthy Hashshit shirt. Then Bobbiball (the first of many choruses of Bobbiball, Bobbiball.....) got the shirt for turning up and not doing the run. This was because he could save himself the £1 run fee. Tightarse! Nightmaringly, Bobbi now stripped off too. I was surprised none of the Harriets fainted. No Bobbi - fainted, not swooned. For being so tight fisted he got the glass of water.

Piltdown Man had the Baby Bat Hat from last week. This he awarded to Woodlend. He had spent part of the evening assuming the role of a Deliveroo driver after having gone to Dominos for victuals.

The final beer. Where was this going to go? Hotlips stepped up. He praised the sterling work of the NHS especially during the covid crises. He was particularly congratulatory regarding their care and consideration for the elderly and especially those suffering from Reynard's disease - poor circulation in cold weather. This makes ones toes, fingers and the end on the penis turn white due to reduced blood flow. So it came as a pleasant surprise when one of our Harriets, who is also a nurse, came up to him and asked:

"How is your penis?"

Well done Psycho. You've only been back running with us for three weeks and you've succeeded in getting an almost unprecedented 3 awards in three weeks. You may well find yourself a candidate for Pillock of the Year! Appropriately, the Down-Down song was, "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

Finally, someone had a 100 run badge but who was it? It is the fastest woman on the Hash (and on the Grizzly). For a slightly built lady, Warmfront certainly had no problem in making a half pint of ale disappear sharpish!

Next week

Next week's Hash is in Abbotskerswell, with Hares Sugar Puff and Camel Toe. At the moment, we anticipate the On-Down being The Court Farm - watch this space for further details.

On-On to next week.

 

Run #1995 Monday 13th November

7:15 pm circle up from Maltings Taphouse & Bottle shop, Teign Rd, Newton Abbot TQ12 4AA with Archangel.

Parking in Osborne Street car park about 200 yards away and also nearby on the road. No food is served but we have been welcome to bring our own on previous visits..

DAY OF THE DEAD TRAIL 30/10/23 (with apologies for tardiness of posting)

Hares Soapy, Palmolive and Melon Picker

What a lovely night it was, not a ghoulie was in sight

Beautiful sugar skull faces, painted not to fright.

Costumes made to celebrate the lives of departed friends

Not to scare or frighten, if we did, we made amends.

It was difficult to see who’s who, and make out faces in the dark

As we circled up in Chudleigh, and gathered in car park.

It was good to see returnees that we haven’t seen for years,

And always good to be supported by Hashing connoisseurs!

Some people wore red dresses to remember hashers passed

And “Please give a donation, to Winfield’s charity” you were asked.

40 embellished hashers came out to have some fun

And reminded in the circle exactly how it’s done.

Its not about who runs the fastest, or who finishes the first

Or first one back inside the pub to quench your well-earned thirst.

It’s all about the socialising, and looking out for each and other

Keeping together as a pack and helping one another.

Kicking out the checks, in right direction - once its sussed

And calling “On on” loudly, to those behind you, is a must.

I think you will agree with me, last night trail was so much fun

Despite we all got soaked right through once the ‘raining’ had begun.

Slippery, sludgy, knee deep shiggy made worse by the weather

Loads of checks and long/short splits kept you all together.

All I could hear was laughter, and shrieks of sheer delight

And the sight of all your torches together, was a sight………

of times gone by when hashing was done, in groups, not run alone.

Who wants to run down country lanes with no one but your phone?

A sweetie stop, an essential thing, please return I advocate

It’s good to stop and have a break and discuss things with your mate.

It gives the slower guys a chance of catching up with pack

So they also feel part of the group (and not always at the back!).

The On Down last night was at the Ship, a small pub without food

But it really doesn’t matter, cos it’s the ambiance and the mood.

To give you time to mingle, chat and analyse your week

Or just relax and chat with friends, a ‘Youth club’, so to speak.

Let’s all try and get Teign Valley back to a HASH – and not a race

And keep the pack together for everyone. So just in case...........

you need some tips on how it’s done, I think we ALL need to dwell

Visit SOUTH WEST HASHING WEBSITE, then click on “HARE YE WELL"

 

On on Soapy

TVH3 The Words for 6th November 2023

 

The King William IV, Totnes  

Run No. 1994

HARE: Wet-Johnny

Who wuz there: Wet-Johnny, Shitfaced (circle only), Man-Pig, Pisswell, Melonpicker, Soapy, Palmolive, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beeflicker, Squeaky Bum, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Fukarewe, Ernie, Psycho, Warm Front, Piddler, Slip-on-Me, Arkangel, Coldtits, Ablesemen, Wetfart & returnees Camel Toe and Sugar Puff.

Circle

Shitfaced called the Circle to order. Shitfaced's main query was, "This year Christmas Day falls on a Monday. Is anyone interested in a Christmas Day Hash - morning or afternoon?" No pubs are likely to be open in the evening. Something for the Circle to ponder over the next 3 weeks.

Smellie needs hares from 20th November and Pisswell announced that the Hashshit shirt has spent the past week in her freezer. Something for some poor unfortunate to look forward to. In addition, Pisswell advised that almost £100 was raised for Winfield's charities at last week's Hash and that Hash funds would bump it upto £200. Well done Hashers.

Melonpicker had been in contact with Teapot by phone and offered us the following update. Teapot has lost 3 stone. He is now being ill after eating. However, he feels OK as long as he doesn't eat. He continues to have tests but still no diagnosis which is  fantastically frustrating. Nevertheless, he is looking forward to returning to the Hash and we all hope for a diagnosis, treatment and a return to the Hash asap. It will be good to have him back.

The Hare's description of the trail was brief: "There's a Long, Short and Walkers' trail".

The Trail

It had been dry all day and the forecast was for a dry run. What happened? As soon as Piddler got in his car it started to drizzle. The drizzle increased steadily over the course of the journey between Abbotskerswell and Totnes. By the time we'd Circled Up, the rain was really quite heavy. It looked like it would be a wet run. Fortunately, this proved not to be the case. Shortly after commencing the trail, the rain abated.

The first part of the trail was a zigzag around town. Initially down to the roundabout by Morrison's petrol station then towards the supermarket itself before jogging along the footpath that exits at the traffic lights and pedestrian crossing next to Brutus Bridge. Here there was a Walkers'/Long & Short split. 

 

For the Longs and the Shorts the trail took us under Brutus bridge and along the footpath on the southern bank of the River Dart and up to the weir. Fortunately, it was not a high spring tide (Beeflicker take note). Accordingly, no wet feet and no twisted ankles....the footpath up by the weir is a mat of roots and one has to take care so as not to end up on your bum (Smellie!).

By the weir the trail, which was very clearly marked, took us away from the river bank and to the bottom of the western bypass. By this time, I had caught up with Ernie and Fukarewe. Here we crossed the junction headed back towards town. 

 

The marks had us going down Malt Mill and then up Lower Collins Road towards the Norman motte and bailey castle. But the castle was not part of tonight's trail. At the top of town, the marks led us right and up Cistern Street, across the western bypass again and onto Harper's Hill. 

Oh dear, I knew what was coming....and so did the Walkers. Ahead lay a one mile ascent up a wide but eroded trackway. Coming towards me was torchlight. It was Wetfart, Slip-on-Me and Ablesemen. They'd had enough and were now making a beeline for the pub - sensible choice.

 

Unperturbed, Coldtits and Squeaky Bum had not bottled out. They were heading for the summit atop Windmill Down. This is one of the highest points surrounding Totnes at 151m but would it be the highest point of the trail....hopefully so.

Overtaking Coldtits and Squeaky Bum, I continued my slow ascent. Almost at its crest, I could hear calls of "On-On". Hmmm. Who were tonight's FRB's? Beeflicker certainly, and probably returnees Warm Front and Psycho...but, in Beefy's and Woodlend's  absence, would there be anyone else?

At the end of Harper's Hill, sure enough, there was a Walkers & Shorts/Long split. Crikey, the Walkers have done well if they've made it up here I thought. The calls that I'd heard a moment earlier had come from my right but there was no sign of Hashers or torchlight. Neither was there much chance of catching these three FRB's, or so I thought. 

 

I took the Longs' trail along Jackman's Lane. Just before the footpath that would take you down to the Dartington-Totnes Road, there is another public footpath on the opposite side of the lane....and an arrow. 

 

The path was muddy and slippery but not too wet considering the weekend's rainfall. Certainly nowhere near as slippery as last week's trail. I tiptoed slowly along the track not expecting to see another Hasher for the rest of the trail. However, at the end of the footpath, I come across two Harriets. But what were they doing? Warmfront has just returned from a seven month sabbatical travelling around Turkey, Armenia and Georgia. What I was unaware of was that this sabbatical had an arboricultural twist to it. 

 

Psycho and Warmfront had set about creating an artificial shrubbery in the middle of the road. Well, that's what it looked like to me. A smattering of large leafy branches which, they assured me, was an arrow. It didn't look too much like an arrow to me, nor Fukarewe and Ernie. However, on the upside, it had allowed me to catch up.

Beeflicker was running back from the left not having found any marks. I assured him that it would be left as we would, surely, be rejoining the Shorts. Backtracking, we eventually found marks and then an arrow taking us right and onto Green Lane. 

 

It wasn't long before we were crossing the Totnes-Harbetonford road at Gerston Farm and heading towards Bowden House. The running was pretty much on the level here but we had done a lot of climbing. Then a short respite as an arrow had us bear left and down to Wet-Johnny who was manning the sweetie-stop at Bowden Lodge.

The sweetie stop was also another split. Just as we left the sweetie stop , we could see torchlight coming down the hill whence we came a few minutes earlier. This would be Ernie and Fukarewe. 

 

The Walkers would continue down onto the western bypass and a simple downhill trot back to the On-Down. The Longs and the Shorts would follow the public footpath southeast towards the rear entrance to Bowden House. 

 

At the first junction, another Long/Short split. Here Man-Pig and Beeflicker caught up with Coldtits and Squeaky Bum for the second time. The Shorts trail was marked down to the left. My guess was that it joined up with Fishchowter's Lane to take the Shorts back into Totnes at Maudlin Road. For the Longs, it was a continuation along the footpath towards Higher Bowden until it meets with Totnes Down Hill. 

 

A little further, and a check had us climbing over a slate stile and onto another public footpath across two fields set high above Totnes. Behind us torchlight. This was the topiary twins who had stayed a little longer at the sweetie stop. The obligatory, "On-On" had all four of us on trail and crossing the first of two fields at what, by a mere single metre, was the highest point of the trail at 152m. Below us we could clearly see the lights of Totnes - note to self, we must do this trail in daylight!

Having crossed the two fields, we then found ourselves running along a short length of fenced pathway before dropping back onto Totnes Down Hill. This is a long and steep descent down to Moat Hill and the "On-Home". 

 

Behind us, out of sight, would be Ernie and Fukarewe and, I guessed, that this would be the sum total for those on the Longs. But I was mistaken. This used to be home turf for Smellie. Incredulously, she knew where she was at all times and enjoyed doing the Longs substantially on her own and without getting lost. A slow, but determined, Arkangel also managed the Longs without incident as did Pisswell.

What a lovely run!

Down-Downs

Back in the pub the King Bill had laid on a Hash menu. The landlord, Rob, had  passed on his apologies to the Hash for his absence. He had had to take his mum into hospital. I guess that was a pretty good reason not to be behind the bar, and we hope that it's nothing too serious and for a speedy recovery for Rob's Mum.

The pub had kindly donated beer for the Down-Downs so it was a "Thank you to the pub for the Hash scoff and the Down-Downs".

Now who had an award to give away?

Slip-on-Me had a rather wet Baby Bat hat. She also had a simple story of an inaccurate weather forecast. Not by Warmfront but by Piltdown Man. A note for the "Met office impersonator".

Next up was Pyscho. She's only been back a week and had already got a hat. She awarded the Horned hat to Beeflicker for doing a lot of checking.....all of it in the wrong direction! A note for "The FRB".

It was a great trail and one deserving of a Down-Down. The RA called up Wet-Johnny and asked the pack what they thought of the trail. The half of ale was almost, but not quite, offered to Wet-Johnny. 

 

At the last moment, the RA retracted his hand, saying, "Here is a glass of beer......that I'm not going to give you......for the trail". But he might hand over the beer if Wet-Johnny will turn around and bend over.

"What for?"

"In order that I can pin your 300th run badge on your arse!".......no one more deserving, especially on the occasion of his own trail. A chorus of "Get a life...." ensued.

The final award of the evening. Man-Pig starts by apologising to the Songmeister and affording him the opportunity to come up with a ditty to accompany the awarding of the Jester's hat. Man-Pig tells the story of the shittiest bum he'd ever seen on last week's trail.

"Is there anyone here who had to give their washing machine a good workout last week?"

Smellie was looking jolly sheepish. Psycho had witnessed the slo-mo event and described it to all gathered. To compound the issue, Piltdown Man further enlightened the hash as to how, when he'd got home after last week's hash, he had to clean the back seat of his new car. I'd make her walk from now on if I were you.

It looked like a slam dunk - but no. The final award had to go to Dumb and Dumber for the most appalling attempt at making an impromptu arrow that I have ever seen in 35 years of hashing.

"Which one of you isn't driving?"

Pyscho and Warmfront immediately point at each other. Ultimatel, it transpires that Warmfront is the driver and Pysho acquired her second hat within a week! The Songmeister piped up with, "R-sole, R-sole. A soldier I shall be......". Fantastic.

Next week

Next week's Hash is at Tucker's Malting tap house, Newton Abbot, with Hare Arkangel. I suspect that food will be available from take-away alley to bring back to the tap house.

On-On to next week.