The Three Virgins and an Equine Adventure

TVH3 The Words for 19th November 2024

The Prince of Orange

Run No. 2050

HARES: Smash, Miss Mash & Satnav

 

Who wuz there: Smash, Miss Mash, Satnav, Man-Pig, Archangel, Beefy, Pisswell, Coldtits, Pocket Rocket, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Ernie, Wetfart, Psycho, Wet-Johnny, Red Rum, Miss'Ing and special guest of honour - Teapot!

 

Circle

In the absence of Shitaced, Piltdown Man called "Hash Hush" for the Circle. Only one half of the Topiary Twins was present - Psycho. But she was making enough noise for both of them so Piltdown handed over RA'ing duties to her for failing to adhere to the "Hash Hush". Despite being put on the spot, she made a pretty good job of it, especially as there was only one notice.

 

The solitary notice came from Man-Pig and relates to a change of Hash for next week. Unfortunately, Poacher can no longer do next Monday's Hash. Hence the replacement Hare will be Man-Pig and the On-Down will be the Lord Nelson in Kingskerswell. Details to be confirmed on the TVH3 Facebook page.

 

So over the the Hares, all three of which have arrived by bicycle. Would we be on cycle paths for the entire trail? We would soon find out.

 

Smash explained that there was a Long, Short and a Walkers' trail. However, a combination of wind, rain and sabotage had obliterated a number of marks and the first Long/Short split was:

"Up the road and on the left".

 

Trail

So off we trotted, crossing Barton Hill Road to the chip shop and then heading uphill. Sure enough, 200 yards later we come to the L/S split. The Shorts were to carry on up Barton Hill Road whilst the Longs descended on a track that I never knew existed. This was virgin territory for me and I must have run past this track dozens of times, always assuming that it was a private track. The track is aptly named, Bottom Park Lane. It is long and steep, descending onto Kingsley Avenue.

 

The Shorts (Miss'Ing and Red Rum) meanwhile carried on up Barton Hill Road to the triangle junction between Barton Hill Road and Kingskerswell Road. Here I am assuming that they arrived at the Walkers'/Shorts' split; the Shorts commencing the fantastically steep descent down Daccombe Hill whilst my guess is that the Walkers (Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Wetfart and Pocket Rocket - I'm not sure which trail Arkangel was on!!!) would have carried on up Barton Hill Road before veering right and along Great Hill Road. The next time that we saw the Walkers was back at the bar of the Prince of Orange.

 

Back on the Longs (Psycho, Beefy, Wet Johnny, Man-Pig, Ernie & Pisswell) Psycho picked up the trail heading south down Kingsley Avenue and then climbing up Leeward Lane. I hadn't seen a mark since the L/S split and simply followed the FRB's hoping/assuming that they were on trail.

 

Near the top of Leeward Lane, we ground to a halt and started back checking - including a footpath that wound its way down and onto Windward Road. Below me I could hear Ernie. "On On. There's a check here". The FRB's were a bit spread out but all converged on Ernie and Pisswell who were already on Windward Road. Amazing. Ernie had found another bit of "dust". We were now arcing around and onto Lindisfarne Way. However, before we got there Pisswell spied another mark and we now entered a large play park with swings and seesaws etc. At the other end of the play park, we came out at the bottom of Cassiobury Way where Smash was waiting for us on her bike.

 

We were encouraged to continue along Browns Bridge Road. Opposite Nightingale Close, there is a public footpath that takes one up to Barton Hall. One of the FRB's must have spied a mark or two as the FRB's ascended up and past Barton Hall and onto Kingskerswell Road where we found a large and intact flour arrow, "Hoorah". In front of me were Psycho, Beefy and Wet Johnny. Behind me, and not to be seen again till the pub, were Ernie and Pisswell.

 

Beefy assumes that he is on trail and takes us down Orestone Lane but marks were decidedly absent. When we came to the junction with Daccombe Hill, Wet Johnny checked uphill but came back empty handed. Psycho checked out a farm track and also came back with little in the way of guidance. Hence, we carried on into Daccombe. Hallejula! At the bottom of Footland Lane was another arrow pointing uphill. Half way along Footland Lane we saw torchlight. It was the almost solitary Shorts - just Miss'Ing and Red Rum.

 

We just happened to be at the bottom of a track that leads up to Ridge Road which is a fast and dangerous road for joggers as there is no footpath and not much in the way of verges. However, there is a verge at the top of this track that would allow a relatively safe crossing at Roccombe Cross and onto either Newton Hill or Honey Lane which are on the other side of Ridge Road. Despite the absence of marks, we agreed to the Pig's suggestion and climbed the track. Then, just before Ridge Road, an apparition - fairy lights. They weren't here when I ran up here on Sunday the Pig thought. I then looked at my feet and I was standing on an arrow pointing through an open gate. Ahead of us another open gate and another set of fairy lights. We were back on trail but on private ground.

 

We followed the fairy lights along a track, diagonally across a field and then along a broad track. After 300 yards we arrived at an illuminated stabling block. It was the drink stop and what a fantastic drink stop it was. We were surrounded by 4 stabled horses and a collapsible picnic table adorned with Pimms, Martini, orange juice, water and an array of savoury nibbles and sweets. It was all really rather relaxing being surrounded by the horses. The only thing missing was the rest of the pack! Regrettably, they never made it so they missed a great drink stop.

 

Poor Smash had various phone calls coming in and going out about Hashers lost on trail....or off trail. For the Longs, the most expedient way back would be to deviate from the planned trail as the marks would Shirley be washed away by now. The Pig said that he knew exactly where we were and that he would lead the pack back to the pub.

 

We backtracked over the private land from whence we came only be be barked at. Not by a dog but by the land owner.

"What are you doing. Why are all these gates open?"

We explained that we were merely following the trail of fairy lights. The land owner could see that we didn't really fit the description of your traditional horse thief and waved us on our way.

 

Back on the public footpath, we crossed Ridge Road and then ran on the verge down to Honey Lane. We then proceeded down Honey Lane and started finding blobs of flour to our right. We were back on trail.....sort of. At the junction of Honey Lane with Great Hill Road we came across an arrow and a "W" but it was pointing towards us. It looked as though we were now running the Walkers' trail but in reverse. The Pig assured us that he knew where he was going and took the pack onto a small footpath that links Great Hill Road with Roccombe Close.

 

"Aloha". Another arrow, but this time pointing down Swedwell Road. We were back on trail and the marks seemed relatively intact. The trail now took us down Swedwell Road and then right and up Jacks Lane and onto Barton Hill Road opposite the first L/S split. In next to no time we were back at the On-Down.

 

Down-Downs

I don't know. Was it the weather, the location or a new "On-Down" that had reduced this week's numbers to less than half of previous hashes? It made no difference. Those that did turn up thoroughly enjoyed the trail. In fact, the absence of marks (through no fault of the Hares) made it all the more interesting. Plenty of virgin territory to boot which is a rare thing in this neck of the woods, so well done Hares. Particularly, young Miss Mash on her virgin lay.

 

A postmortem of the "missing marks" revealed that most of the marks that were on road were not missing at all, especially around the Daccombe area. The strong winds and relatively light rain had combined for an awful lot of leaf fall throughout the afternoon and early evening. These were mainly hazel leaves and they had simply covered a lot of the marks. It also highlighted the fact that different species of deciduous trees lose their leaves at different times throughout the autumn. The chestnut trees in my neighbour's garden have already dropped all of their leaves, the sycamores and hazels still retain about half their leaves and the ash tree hedge will lose its leaves very slowly throughout the autumn/winter period. I seem to spend the entire winter sweeping these up well after every other species of tree has lost all of their leaves.

 

On entering the pub an unexpected but wonderful surprise.; Teapot was sat at the bar with Wetfart. Teapot was smiling away and it was great to have him back. A shame that Psycho had to rush off as Teapot would have liked to have had a catch up with his occupational health specialist.

 

We started by thanking the pub for having us and making us welcome. So welcome, in fact, that a couple of hashers had popped over the road for fish 'n' chips and brought them into the pub.

 

Smash hadn't prearranged Down-Downs with the pub and we thought it a bit rude to ask a virgin "On-Down" for free beer on our first visit. That would have been a little presumptuous. So, Smash kindly arranged for three halves of Doombar and two glasses of water. Now, whom to award said victuals?

There is only one award present. It is the Jester's Hat which Pisswell has from last week. This she awards to Satnav for a temper tantrum in throwing her bike to the ground just before the Circle (I think you'll find that it blew over in the wind....twice, along with Small & Miss Mash's bikes). A note for the "Bike Smasher" who is not driving and elects to have a beer for a change.

 

No more awards so are there any stories? Silence.

Hence the three Hares, or is it the three virgins, are called up for their Down-Downs. Three virgins? Yes indeedy:

1. Virgin territory

2. Virgin On-Down

3. Virgin lay by Miss Mash

The RA did ask Smash and Satnav if it was also their virgin lays? No. Satnav assures us that she last laid a TVH trail 14 years ago! Crikey, that's worse than Smellie!

 

The remaining two waters and a beer are despatched by the trio of Hares to a chorus of "Here's to the virgins".

 

The last beer. There must be a story. And so there is. A hasher is mentioned as being afraid of the dark - the recipient is Ernie. However, the story needs a little more elaboration. Ernie actually told Pisswell that he was scared of being in the dark with her!!

 

Well, we all got back safely on what turned out to be a very interesting trail. I am sure that hashers can smell free booze a mile off....marks or no marks. I think the Walkers will simply need to refine their olfactory glands when seeking out the drink stop....no need for marks at all!

 

Next week

A change of venue for next week's Hash. This will now be from the Lord Nelson in Kingskerswell. Our Hare for the evening will be Man-Pig.

On-On to next week. MP

PRINCE OF ORANGE

Run #2050 Monday 18th November Circle up 7:15 pm from The Prince of Orange 157 Barton Hill Road, Torquay, TQ2 8HN with Smash, MisMash and Satnav.

No food in the pub but there's a fine chippy (Paul's Plaice) and Chinese takeaway (Wok's Cook-in) across the road at Barton shops.

 

 

TVH3 The Words for 9th November 2024

Highweek Inn, Newton Abbot

Run No. 2049 Remembrance Day Hash

 

HARES: Ablesemen & Poacher

 

Who wuz there: Ablesemen, Poacher, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Archangel, Beeflicker, Beefy, Pisswell, Pocket Rocket, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie Ernie, Ted, Coldtits, Satnav, Wetfart, Smash, Psycho, Warmfront, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Roger-the-Dodger, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Threesum, Base Camp, Cheerio Beerio, Triple Jump, Red Rum, Graham, Only Here for the Beer, Dog End, Popeye and family and virgin Stuart brought by Coldtits and returnees, Ollie and Triple Jump - welcome back.

 

Circle

Shitfaced welcomed the huge pack of 40 to the Highweek Inn, 37 of which I think were runners.

"What number run is it Man-Pig?".

Silence, as The Pig has yet to arrive.

There were quite a few announcements.

Beeflicker is in need of a Santa Claus and some elves for his charity's grotto. Volunteers, please see Beeflicker.

Beefy advises that the next Devon Lunatics Hash is this coming Friday; 7.30 from the Star at Liverton.

Both Psycho and Wetfart provide us with an update on Teapot. Essentially, slow progress but in the right direction. Teapot is hoping to join us at an On-Down in the near future. It will be good to see him again.

 

There is a message from Fukarewe apologising for his recent absences. He has a peculiar work commitment which commits him to remaining on ferries between Harwich and the Hook of Holland 24 hours a day for 5 days a week. He hopes that this particular assignment will be complete by Christmas.....just one last rat to catch. Perhaps a return to old technology might be the answer.......get a Ship's cat!

 

Eventually, it is over to the Hare.

 

Ablesemen welcomes all and clarifies that Haldon Hash have now abandoned the plan of setting their Hash from the Highweek Inn. They have now relocated to Kingsteignton. Hence no overlapping trails to confuse the easily confused. Poacher adds that he has no idea as to distance but there is livestock in most of the fields, so "Dogs on leads please".

 

"Livestock in fields? On a trail from Highweek? Where on earth are we going?"

 

Being Remembrance Day, Ablesemen asked if we would all join in a minute's silence to remember all those who have served their country and especially those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our tomorrows. For the next 60 seconds we were lost in our own thoughts and the thankful reflection that, within our lifetimes, the world has been a relatively peaceful place. The 60 seconds conclude with a simple, "Thankyou", from Able.

 

We were getting chilly on a clear night so it was onto the first check at the edge of the car park.

 

Trail

We checked this way and that, eventually picking up the trail leading down Ringslade Road and then we ground to a halt.....somewhat perplexed. There was an undecipherable mark on the grass. It looked strangely like a fish hook but the Hares hadn't mentioned fish hooks in the Circle. Warmfront didn't even know what a fish hook was. Beneath the fish hook (if it was a fish hook) should have been a number. Instead we had a dodgy smattering of flour. We stayed there scratching our heads until Poacher arrived and deciphered the hieroglyphics.

 

"First 9 of you here, go back to the Hare". And so the hapless nine FRB's cantered back to Ablesemen who was someway back.

 

About turn and back down to the new roundabout on the Bovey Road. Head scratching metamorphosed into navel gazing as we encountered a check. The trail now took us up towards Forches Cross. The FRB's had missed an arrow crossing the road and Poacher had to call them back. 

 

The trail now took us down Greycoat Lane and the Walkers split at the T-junction near Twelve Oaks caravan and camp site. The Walkers headed right and towards the Old Exeter Road. For the Longs and the Shorts it was left, past Twelve Oaks Farm and onto Teigngrace and a back check.

 

At this point the Pig was, surprisingly, an FRB along with Beefy and Wet Johnny. But where were Beeflicker and the Topiary Twins? It didn't take long for Psycho and Warmfront to catch up. The back check now had us going down the gravel driveway that takes us to Locksbridge where road, canal and railway converge.

 

Across the railway line and, behold, the one and only Long/Short split. A very fast Pocket Rocket is first to take the Short. I wish I'd followed. For the Longs, Man-Pig, Beefy, Wet-Johnny, Pisswell, Warmfront, Psycho, Ernie, Ted, Big End and Well Hopped it was left and up the Templer Way on the banks of the Stover Canal. At Ventiford Bridge a single mark had us bear right and into fields.

 

We were now following the southern bank of the Teign downstream. Marks we few and far between but Beefy found the trail marked over a wooden footbridge where we ground to a halt. 

 

We were sure that the trail would have taken us east on the northern bank of the Teign. However, we were faced with a gate, no discernible footpath and a steep mound to our left that we didn't recognise. Big End checked over the gate but found nothing. Beefy checked upstream and found marks but these were clearly going to take us in the wrong direction. It appeared that we should have forded the river a little way upstream and approached the bridge from the other side. Indeed, looking at the OS map, I can now see that we were not on the bridge that we had thought we were on. That was another 600 yards downstream. We were on a bridge near Mortimer's farm and I'm not sure that I've ever been on this one before.

 

The trail was now a simple "follow the banks of the Teign" down to where it passes under the Old Exeter Road. This is a long old hike and the FRB's were beginning to get a bit stretched out. However, it was a clear night and it was nice to see the torchlight of the FRB's now some 400 yards ahead of the trailing Longs.

 

At the Old Exeter Road I was convinced that it would be up to the A382 and straight across and "On Home" up Whitehill Road. Pete Tong. I had merrily carried on over the bridge when a voice behind me called "On back". Some mistaka - Shirley? No it wasn't Shirley and it wasn't a mistake. The trail crossed the road and was now following the redundant railway line along the western bank of the Stover Canal. We were heading back towards Newton Abbot. A quick GPS check with Ernie revealed 4.75 miles so far. This was going to be a six miler and the pub kitchen wanted us back for scoff by 8.45 - no chance.

 

Sure enough, the marks took us up and onto the roundabout at the end of Jetty Marsh Road near Newton Abbot Hospital. Then it was up towards Coombeshead School roundabout and across the Bovey Road. An arrow had us bear right and the climb upto the public footpath that would take us up to Highweek Church. Here we caught up with Ablesemen and Strap Dancer, then Ollie, Roger-the-Dodger, Strap-On and Poacher, eventually catching up with Big End and Well Hopped just past the Church.

 

It was a good old canter. I was going to enjoy my well earned pint; 6.3 miles on our first crisp evening of the autumn.

 

Down-Downs

The RA commences by thanking the Hash for the beer.....or lager as it turned out.

 

What did we think of the trail? Very good. So good that the Hares may even get a Down-Down this evening. First, let's see who has remembered to bring an Award and who has any stories, authentic or otherwise.

 

Warmfront was amongst about half a dozen or so people who had the Jester's Hat on their head at some stage during last week's firework Hash. This she awards to Pisswell for unladylike language on trail.

"I'm going to catch that Wet Johnny. Hunt him down and rub his face in the mud". Oooooerrrrr, missus. The RA was trying to think of the name of the Greek Godess of Hunting. Beefy came to his assistance with Diana. Accordingly, a note for "Diana".

 

Shitfaced has the Horned Hat and has a story about a Hasher discussing first dates and what they might do to woo the heart of another. Now, buying one's new beau a plug doesn't immediately spring to mind. There then followed a rendition of the Two-Ronnies' hardware store sketch:

"Plugs. Do you have any plugs?"

"Yes. Rawlplugs. Solid or hollow core door?"

"No".

"Concrete or masonry?"

"No. No. No."

"Oh. Bath plugs! 1 1/2 inch or 1 3/4 inch?'

"No!"

"Aha. Plugs! Square pin or round pin?

Again, despondently, "No".

"13 amp or 5 amp?"

Exasperated, "BUTT PLUGS. BUTT PLUGS!!!"

Without a change of expression or tempo:

"Latex or rubber?"

A note for "The butt plug charmer".

 

No more awards but Poacher has a simple story. This is about a Hasher who has left the lights on in his car but insists he hasn't. The guilty party is Beeflicker but he can't drink because he is driving. It is suggested that Poacher nominate last week's hangover merchant, Psyco. Psycho is so nominated.

In a return to tradition, Ablesemen and Poacher as Hare and Co-Hare are awarded the last two drinks,: Poacher's to the accompaniment of "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from a new venue for Teign Valley. We are running from the Prince of Orange, 180 Barton Hill Road, Torquay TQ2 8HN. Our Hares are Smash and MissMash.

 

On-On to next week. MP

HIGHWEEK INN

 Run #2049 Monday 11th November 7:15 pm Circle up from the Highweek Inn, Highweek, Newton Abbot TQ12 1QA with Poacher and Able Semen. Land Ho! hash are also there but apparently there are separate trails.

 

"Forrest's Famous Fireworks & Roadkill Stew Hash"

 

TVH3 The Words for 4th November 2024

Tinkley Bottom

Run No. 2048

HARES: Forrest-Stump & Man-Pig

 

 

 

Who wuz there: Forrest-Stump, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Beeflicker, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Poacher, Ernie, Ted, Coldtits, Satnav, Ablesemen, Smash, Miss Mash, Psycho, Warmfront, Soapy, Melonpicker, Palmolive, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Roger-the-Dodger, Arkangel, Wet-Johnny, Wide Receiver, Threesum, Base Camp, Woodlend's friend (sorry - forgot your name), Only Here for the Beer, Judge-Mental, Dog End and returnees Flying Pig, Trucker and Pocket Rocket

 

Circle

"Welcome to the the Teign Valley Strip - a smoke free zone" (for the time being).

Shitfaced continued the welcome by welcoming back Pisswell who had just returned from a diplomatic mission to the White-House. Her goal? To secure permission to use the TVH3 stockpile of fireworks outside the borders of the Teign Valley. Joe Biden thanked Pisswell Putin for visiting and her reassurance that TVH3 had a special place for Kamala in the Teign Valley. In fact so good that she'd brought Kamala back with her!

 

Threesum notified the Hash that this year's Christmas Party would be held at Teignmouth Rugby Club on Saturday 7th December. The cost of £15/head would be subsidised by the Hash. Accordingly, those who pay an annual membership get the reduced price at £5/head and those who pay weekly subs would pay £10/head.

 

Piltdown Man promoted the upcoming TVH3 beer and curry night. This will take place in Newton Abbot on Friday 22 November and take in the Cider Bar, Weatherspoons and probably end up in the Eastern Eye.

 

Ablesemen reminded us that next week's Hash is from the Higweek Inn, Newton Abbot. Importantly, if you want food (baked potato & chilli con carne or ham, egg & chips - both at £8/head) she will need to know by Wednesday 6th November. Kindly advise your orders via the FB page.

Eventually it is over to the Hares.

 

Forrest has laid the Walkers' trail which is exactly 1 mile as we need to get everyone back quickly for the roadkill stew and fireworks.

 

Man-Pig has laid the Shorts' and the Long's trails which are "not long". The only thing to be aware of are back-checks, "Go back to the last mark and pick up the trail from there. The last part of the trail will be coming back on the outward trail. Do not go round again!"

 

Trail

Following the establishment of independent parliaments in both Wales and Scotland, the Teign Valley Strip is fighting for devolulion from the tyrannical machinations emanating from London as a result of last week's budget. 

 

To this end, the valley has created the TVH3 LDV. Our very Home Guard and tonight was to be our first training run in preparation for the BFT. Thirty four volunteers assembled to learn the arts of night time vision, orienteering and observation with a little bit of fitness thrown in for good measure.

But, before embarking on the nighttime operation, a quick inspection of the volunteers was required. This was taken by the QM, Sergeant Piltdown-Fraser. He reported back that he could not detect any North Koreans amongst the volunteers and that all of Corporal Forrest-Jones cats and dogs had been accounted for. Excellent.

 

The route march was fairly straight forward. The Walkers, under the command of Corporal Forrest-Jones would follow the river to the first bridge. Then, about-turn, and return via the woods. A simple case of following the dots.

 

Those who had already passed their basic assessment would be on a slightly longer and hillier route. They would be under the command of Captain Pig-Waring. Initially, the route ascended Farley Hill, avoiding any booby traps laid by the Pooks. At the Long/Short split, the Shorts would descend down past Ruggedon Farm and take the footpath that runs parallel with the goyle down, and then up, to El Dorado (Trusham). A couple of checks were laid to challenge their sense of direction but, all being well, they should be back well within the hour.

 

The Longs continued along Farley Hill. Their challenge was to recall what a back-check was and what to do when they reached it. Nearly all found the back-check a mere 300 yards past the Long/Short split. An about turn and back to the last mark which, unsurprisingly, was the Long/Short split. All the Longs arrived back at the L/S split before the Shorts and continued their FRB-ing all the way back to Platoon HQ at Tinkley Bottom. 

 

Back at the L/S split ,one of the group had used their initiative to assist the back markers by placing three logs strategically across the road so as to form an arrow. Not only did the improvisation mark the direction of the trail, it also blocked the road from any Pooks pursuing by quad bike. Good work. This had all the hallmarks of the Topiary twins at work. They will be mentioned in dispatches....and in the Circle.

 

Down-Downs

Back at HQ the first order of service was to get some scran down you. The recruits had brought their plates, KSF and, most importantly, money. In fact, Forrest's road kill stew was so popular that Forrest didn't get to have any himself....it was that good.

 

Captain Main-Pig assumed his RA'ing role. The first thing we did was to thank Corporal Forrest-Jones for the venue; then for the roadkill stew, the beer and, best of all, for the enormous bonfire. It must have taken ages to build.

 

Captain Man-Waring then asked if anyone had an award from last week.

 

"What? No-one?" The only award present was the one sat on the good Captain's head. It was the Jester's Hat and it wasn't even his own award. It was Wetfart's from last week. An initial candidate was Wide-Receiver. Wide Receiver didn't want to get the tires wet on his vintage MGB Roadster so he parked on the tarmac outside Corporal Stump's residence. 

 

However, Wide-Receiver was missing. Apparently he'd been RTU'd immediately after the trail......for pretending it was a race. Serves him right.

 

The Topiary Twins were then invited into the Circle.

"Which one of you was responsible for the road block?"

"Neither", respond the twins. "It was Sapper Poacher".

"Where's Sapper Poacher?".

"Over by the bonfire sir. Preparing the ordnance".

"Get him here PDQ".

Now, owing to the nature of the evening's activities, we have been loaned Sapper Poacher from 9 SQN due to his expertise in pyrotechnics.

 

Sapper Poacher arrives whinging about primed detonators in proximity to a large fire.....nothing to worry about there I'm sure. There is some scurrying around behind the Field Kitchen in search of a pint mug. We have three very large half pint measures of beer pre-poured but Sapper Poacher only drinks cider. We have the cider but no receptacle. It is soon sorted and the cider disappears to the accompaniment of "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

 

Eventually, a story is squeezed out of the pack. It involves Warmfront....again. I think she was a faller. Warmfront is driving and asks to nominate. Medic Godfrey-Psycho is nominated and is already a bit doddery on her feet. Another pint will finish her off. Corporal Stump-Jones saves the day by offering her a bed to lay.....erm....her head and the generous half pint disappears.

 

Private Shit-Sponge has a story.

 

"We have a retired Hasher in our midst from just across the water. In fact, a mere stone's throw away. Despite the distance, 40 yards as the crow flies, he has got a taxi here".

 

In fairness, the River Teign does lie as a natural protective border along one edge of our HQ. Nonetheless, if he'd been Jesus, he could have walked. So it is a note for, "Here's to Jesus he's so blue....." etc.

 

A backdated (in the mists of time) DD is awarded to Wet Johnny. His misdemeanour, being found naked at the side of the road.

 

When this story eventually unfolded, this event did actually take place. But not in this country and not this year. It was many years ago in Chile. Apparently, WJ had got blind drunk and was throwing up on the side of a road. Despite being blind drunk he had the presence of mind to make sure that he didn't mess himself if he followed through at both ends. His solution was to undress and carry on throwing up at the side of the road......delightful!

 

The final half pint has to go to our host, Corporal Forrest-Jones-Stump for, well, everything. Another fantastic firework Hash. Talking of which it is now time for Sapper Poacher to do his stuff.

 

The fireworks commence (no maroons this year). We have boxes where you light one corner and then wait for the pyrotechnics to go off in sequence. We have flares, roman candles, giant sparklers but I don't see any bangers, jumping jacks or Catherine wheels....I think they've been banned. The Catherine wheels always used to fall off their nails and then appeared to deliberately chase children around the garden. Then the finale - the rockets. Oh, the rockets. Big ones. Small ones. Whistlers, wailers and starbursts and then there were the Katoushkas!

 

Unbeknown to the TVH3 LDV, the valley's goal for independence was now a major concern for the new Labour Government. Could this be contagious, an explosion of devolution across the UK? At that very moment, a USAF AWACS was flying high above our heads. Their incredibly sophisticated thermal imaging had detected Poacer's missile launch site. Unfortunately, the AWACS was running some new Beta software. This identified the Standard Firework Whizzer's heat trail as the exhaust signature of a Katouska rocket. Additionally, its trajectory was towards Tel Aviv. Mossad intercepted and deciphered comms from the AWACS. Four F-15E's were scrambled from Hatzerim airbase to make a targeted precision strike on the Teign Valley; a round trip of 6,440 miles. Recently deployed KC-46A Pegasus were already in the air and provided the two refuellings required by each F-15E.

What a spectacular firework display.

 

When asked about the attack, Private Shit-Sponge (a retired opium farmer from the Teign Valley) said:

"We weren't expecting that! As long as the IDF don't hit any pubs, bars or licensed cafe's they can come again next year."

 

Another eye witness, Medic Psycho, said that she was so traumatised by the amount of beer she'd drunk that she missed the whole thing!

 

In the aftermath of the attack a source, who has asked not to be named, said:

"Death will come on swift win,gs to those who have defiled the Valley. Once we secure authorisation from the FO (Lieutenant Scroogesum) to expend Hash funds, we will be beetling down to Lidl for another box of fireworks". Although informed sources understand that authority to expend Hash Cash will only be granted after 5th November when the FO anticipates that they'll be on offer at half price.

Sir Kier Starmer addressed the House on Tuesday morning. He described the Teign Valley as a place of utter lawlessness.

 

"It is bandit country", he said. The prime minister went on to reiterate that Israel has the right to defend itself against the acts of November 4th.

 

A spokesman for the TVH3 LDV confirmed that one bonfire had been completely destroyed in the attack and that there had been a single casualty; one Guido Fawkes, a 454 year old catholic man from Westminster, London. Apparently he had been hiding on the top of the bonfire at the time of the attack.

Also missing was Private Coldtits who was last seen on Monday night, off trail, and heading in the direction of Chudleigh. In light of the attack, TVH3 LDV have advised that they will, in future, read the instructions on the side of the box before leaving it next to the bonfire!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Highweek Inn, Newton Abbot. Ablesemen is Hare. I think that this is a joint Hash with Haldon. 

 

On-On to next week. MP